Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Where’s the Justice If a Fiend Can Repent and Gain Heaven?”

Q: I am going through a bumpy process of getting closer to the Church and God, and there are still some things I struggle with. One of those is how can we reconcile God’s justice with the fact that one can get condemned for eternity for just one isolated mortal sin whereas others can make it to heaven simply because they had time to repent for their heinous lifetime. For example, suppose there is a devout and good Catholic man whose every day is pleasing to God, but the very day he dies in a car accident he also happens to have had sex with his girlfriend because they failed to overcome their desire. Then you have a lifelong murderer-rapist-pedophile who repents, say, while in prison and could possibly even get a plenary indulgence. So the latter goes straight to heaven while the former ends up in hell for literally one lapse. Now I am aware that God’s thoughts are not our thoughts and his ways are not our ways, but this is so fundamentally contrary to our common concept of what it means to be just that, frankly, it makes me think that the justice we attribute to God has nothing to do whatsoever with our human, day-to-day understanding thereof and is thus — from our perspective — devoid of any real or tangible meaning. I would be grateful if you could try to clear things up even a little bit. – Igor

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Perhaps the answer to your basic question could focus on your phrase that “this is so fundamentally contrary to our common concept of what it means to be just” [italics mine].

To put things in perspective, it is good to remember that God, in justice, could have given up on mankind a long time ago. He could have abandoned the world to sin after the fall of Adam and Eve. But God chose to be merciful and to send us a redeemer.

Every time he forgives us our sins, he is going “beyond the call of duty,” so to speak.

Your instinct that the justice we attribute to God doesn’t have much to do with our human understanding of the term does have some validity. Justice and mercy in God are so far above our grasp of justice and mercy that we can’t really understand what these qualities are like in the Almighty. But that’s not because the terms lack any meaning; rather, the qualities we might assign to God are at an infinitely higher level.

Now, to your specific scenarios:

Mortal sin by definition involves a deliberate choice to offend Our Lord in a grievous way. In other words, it involves a conscious — whether implicit or explicit — rejection of God’s friendship.

That means that the loss of a soul isn’t a case of God sending someone to hell as much as it is a person choosing to live outside of God’s friendship and staying firm in that choice up until the moment of death. This is why Jesus warns us to be vigilant, “for you know neither the day nor the hour” (Matthew 25:13) when the moment of our death will arrive.

God respects the decision of someone who freely rejects him through grievous sin. Thus he allows a person to feel the consequences should that person die in a state of mortal sin.

Likewise, God’s mercy is boundless to those still in this world. Hence, even a grievous sinner can repent and attain salvation. Here it might be good to meditate a bit on Matthew 20:1-16, the parable of the workers in the vineyard.

God’s generosity can be extraordinary. Any “problem” that we have with that is not a sign of a shortcoming on God’s part but on ours. We can become so accustomed to the idea of morality as a system of rules and punishments that we miss the deeper, divine mercy that holds the world together.

For more insight into God’s mercy, you might want to read: The Return of the Prodigal Son, or Dives in Misericordia.

You also might find it useful to go through the various Retreat Guides we have published that touch on God’s mercy: Fire of Mercy, Miracles of Mercy, Messenger of Mercy, The Dawn of Mercy, Father of Mercies, and From Sorrow to Joy.

Perhaps you want to give God the benefit of the doubt and see whether the Holy Spirit is inviting you to appreciate ever more his great mercy. That mercy is what gives us hope.

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Knights of the Altar Visit the Vatican

Twenty-four students from Everest Academy Manila (Phillipines), from grades six through 10, recently traveled to Italy to train as altar servers. Members of Knights of the Altar, they spent June 23 to July 11 training and having fun. For most of this time, they stayed at the Casa di Santa Maria in Val Formazza, Italy, and at the end of their trip they met Pope Francis and served at Mass with him. 

Mio P. Medrana, one of the teen participants, said that meeting Pope Francis was a dream come true—but it was a privilege he had to earn. Medrana  said he and other participants “had to complete challenges which revolved around a virtue, such as give food to a homeless person to practice the virtue of generosity.”  He concluded, “This amazing experience inspired me and taught me that dreams do come true, but to reach your dreams you have to work for it.” 

Knights of the Altar is an organization within ECYD, the teen division of Regnum Christi, that focuses on young men who serve Mass. Like all EYCD programs, this one seeks to meet teens where they are and help answer their questions, building up their encounters, convictions and decisions. As the organization describes itself, “In serving God in the daily masses, we are forming the hearts of future Christian leaders in our society, people willing to spend [their] entire life in helping the less fortunate, [to] make our society an authentic culture of love and care.” 

Enzo Tanjutco, one of these young Knights, commented on the trip to Italy: “I was able to make strong bonds of friendship with my companions and friends,” he said, “but especially with Jesus Christ. My love for Him grew in a special way in this Vatican trip, and I could have great training opportunities in Val Formazza and in Rome.” 

At the end of the trip, the group traveled to Rome for three important meetings. First, they met with Msgr. Guido Marini, the Pope’s master of ceremonies, and had time for questions about Pope Francis and how Marini helps him. Second, they took part in a Mass at the worldwide headquarters of the Legion and Regnum Christi with Fr. Eduardo Robles-Gil, LC, where they renewed their friendship with Christ in ECYD. Finally, they served a Mass with Pope Francis and greeted him afterwards. 

They practiced serving Mass in all these different places, but they also had fun, such as climbing a mountain more than 10,000 feet high. 

Several of the participants shared their testimony about meeting the Pope and how the experience has affected them.  

Santi Violago-Tanjutco said, “I believe that meeting Pope Francis has affected my faith in many ways. The fact that I was able to celebrate the Mass with him, and even shake his hand, is a true honor. After meeting him, I felt different in a way. I started to pray more often, and I also visited Christ in the Eucharist more frequently than before. Also, I was more conscious of my actions and words, especially towards others. I also got to talk to more people about my faith, and I have continued to spread the Word of God.” 

Vasco Tam Esquivel, one of the youngest participants, had a special sign of affection from Francis. “I recently celebrated my birthday before meeting the Pope,” he said. “Fr Felipe, our school chaplain, told the Pope it was my birthday, and the Pope touched my left cheek as a form of greeting me. I felt an indescribable feeling of joy as he touched my face and shook my hand.” 

Shaking hands with the Pope was also a moving experience for Nathan Angelo Oseña. “I was really nervous,” he said, “because he is the holiest Father and the Vicar of Christ. The moment I shook his hand, I felt the amazing grace from the Pope and felt that I was much closer to God than before. I saw him as a gentle father and a friend, as if I had known him for a long time. He was very gentle and kind-hearted, and it was an experience like no other.” 

You can watch a video of highlights from their trip. 

Embed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6R3i7Oaj9z4&feature=youtu.be&ab_channel=JaimeLorenzoLC 

And a video about this apostolate in Manila. 

Embed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JeA2eE4cRV0&feature=youtu.be&ab_channel=NeilBurdeos 

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Witnessing to God as a Teenager

Lucía Nardiz is an 18-year-old in Madrid who just decided to join Regnum Christi. She describes it as wanting to keep the goodness she found in Regnum Christi close to her.

Lucía just graduated from Everest School Monteclaro in Madrid, and had previously done two years at boarding schools Regnum Christi runs called OAK International Academies. As she begins University, she has decided to incorporate into Regnum Christi. In this interview she tells us what this means in her mission to be a witness of God before others.

What has made you join Regnum Christi at this time in your life?
As I start college, I would like to stay close to the movement and I have seen that it was the right time.

What does your family think about your decision to join?

My parents have not given joining much importance. My mother is more excited than my father, but in general both support me with my decision.

What is your mission within Regnum Christi?
For the moment, I believe that my mission is to improve, however I can, in my environment and to be a witness of God for those who are near.

Father Nicolás Núñez, LC, with the group of people who joined Regnum Christi with Lucía

Has graduating from a Catholic school influenced your life and the decisions you now make?
Of course! Having been brought up in a Catholic environment has not only given me the opportunity to make plans and to know God more thoroughly, it has allowed me to grow in values, which I am sure will accompany me the rest of my life.

What has been one of your best experiences with Regnum Christi?
I have not been incorporated for a long time, but from what I have been able to live in the Kingdom, I would say that the best have been the schools. I had the opportunity to go one year to Woodlands Academy in Ireland and another one at Le Châtelard Academy. It was an incredible experience.

What do you have in common with other people in the movement?
With my friends from Regnum Christi, I share my vision of life, the way I want to grow in relation to God and my commitment to Him.

Do you think that a job and an existential vocation can be combined? In your case, what would it be like?
Of course! That is the purpose, to know how to bring God into your daily life. In my case, this would be knowing how to make a difference with the young people with whom I live every day.

Read the original on the Regnum Christi Spain site.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What If My Husband Thinks I’m Preaching at Him?”

Q: What if my husband, who is Catholic, doesn’t want me to talk about God or Jesus, because he thinks I’m preaching? I had an encounter with God when I was 30, and I really want to speak up more about Jesus, because I feel as though I have failed him in the past. My husband, I feel, needs to hear what I have to say. – M.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It’s one thing to evangelize the world. It’s another to evangelize one’s spouse.

If your husband thinks you are coming across as “preaching,” that might be a signal to step back and rethink your approach.

You might want to focus more on preaching by example: your charity, your patience, your gentleness. All these elements will help to draw your husband closer to the faith. And of course, you could intensify your prayers and sacrifices for him. The more you love him as Christ wants you to love him, the more open his heart will become to encountering Christ.

Here is how the Bible puts it: “Likewise, you wives should be subordinate to your husbands so that, even if some disobey the word, they may be won over without a word by their wives’ conduct when they observe your reverent and chaste behavior” (1 Peter 3:1-2).

What can happen is that couples marry when they are lukewarm in the faith. Later, one spouse has a deep conversion and feels, understandably, the need to share the faith with the other spouse. But the spouse might not be at the same point in the spiritual life.

So this is where the fervent spouse might need to shift gears and try a subtler, less aggressive route to win over the spouse.

I say “win over” as a matter of speaking. Conversion is a gift of grace, not persuasion. It is really the Holy Spirit who will win over your husband. The Spirit works gently in souls, and he has his own timetable.

In the meantime it might help to look for channels outside the home for your evangelical drive. There might be things you can do in the parish or diocese, such as Bible studies, CCD programs, and theology of the body classes.

Stay close to the Blessed Virgin Mary. She will intercede for you and your husband.

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New Book Offers Advice for Catholic Moms of College Kids

Maribeth Harper wants to help you accompany your kids to college. Instead of moving on to campus with them and auditing their classes, her advice is to be with them in prayer every step of the way.

With the wisdom of a mother who has just finished sending her own four children off to college, and the experience of a woman who has learned to parent by placing her young-adult children in God’s hands, she has written a new book called …And So We Pray–Guidance for Moms of College-Aged Young Adults. It offers 33 chapters of reflection, advice and prayer, to cover the 33 weeks of the academic year.

During the time her children were in college, Maribeth says she really experienced how practical and applicable to real-life the Catholic faith can be, and how it helped her meet the spiritual, moral and parental challenges that she and her husband faced during those years.

The idea of writing a book came to her after she met Laurel Howanitz, the founder of Praying College Moms.  This ministry, which had about 200 women meeting in small groups, was using a very good protestant book for their discussions over the last five years, but they really wanted something with a Catholic perspective. Maribeth called it a “Holy Spirit moment.” She clearly saw an opportunity to share her own thoughts and experiences, having sent four through college. She also wanted to involve others she knew who had valuable wisdom that could be of help to mothers, including fellow Regnum Christi members, Legionary priests, and Fr. Paul Scalia of the diocese of Arlington, VA, who wrote the foreword to the book.

As a Regnum Christi member, Maribeth credits the movement with teaching her to pray, and to be faithful to prayer on a daily basis.  Having seen the fruit of this in her own family life, she is passionate about teaching other women this discipline.  To her, the opportunity to write a book was the perfect opportunity to share her enthusiasm for daily prayer and ask other people she knows with deep spiritual lives to contribute as well.

Photo: The Harper Family

Maribeth challenged herself to be very practical in writing the book, citing the many times in her own experience when she realized that if the Catholic Faith didn’t apply to the particular situation her family was facing, it was hard for her kids to understand why they should be Catholic.  In every life situation that she and her children faced, she would look for the faith principle in play, building a list of topics she had experience with — from alcohol on campus, to homosexuality, runaway tuition costs, sexual assault, the rise in mental health emergencies, and other hot-button issues.

In addition to offering practical advice, Maribeth said, “It is important that moms accompany their students with grace and wisdom, but I wrote the book to help mothers with college aged young adults grow closer to Christ and, where they meet in groups, to build up a Christian community. I think that a supportive community is essential for women of any age and I think that women with college aged young adults are sometimes in transition, moving from a kid-oriented social life to one of their own making. They can become isolated.  If they’re experienced pray-ers, they need strong faithful friends. If they’re new to prayer, the REALLY benefit from accompaniment of other women.”

Asked about the one thing she wished that she would have known as a mom sending her child to college for the first time, she shared, “I wish that I could have had more hope and more trust in God and in our parenting, because I would have been much more calm and cheerful than I sometimes was.  It doesn’t work to nag, to carry a grudge, to hold onto anxiety…it’s not good for us parents and the kids don’t want to hear that from us.” Even when things that are serious need to be addressed, Maribeth relates that, “When a bigger issue arose, I  reminded Our Lord that this or that was ‘above my pay grade.’ Placing it in his hands allowed me to interact with whichever child was misbehaving in a calm and reasoned way — most of the time.”

The 33-chapter book is broken into three parts, Who is God and Does He Care About My Child?, Looking at College Crises Through a Faith-Based Lens, and When We Doubt.  Each chapter addresses a real-life topic, shares a family experience, delves into the Catholic principle in play, leads readers in a prayer, and offers questions for reflection.   The book can be read as a private devotional, or it can be part of a small group study.  Melissa Overmyer, a friend of Maribeth’s, created a video on the Praying College Moms website that anyone can view to receive training as a leader.  They are currently fundraising to be able to have the book translated into Spanish.

In addition to the book, Maribeth maintains a blog at www.andsowepray.com, which offers advice geared to the specific time of year. August’s topic was about saying goodbye. September’s will be about how to handle sadness after they have left.

The 424 page book is available in paperback and kindle versions.

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Missionaries in the Home

When someone talks about an unintended consequence they typically mean something good was intended but something not-so-good resulted.  For example, a well-meaning dad builds a fire in the family room fireplace to create a warm atmosphere for the wife and kids, but fails to open the flue. Unintended consequence: a house full of smoke.

But in some cases, a practical need requires a solution and the unintended results are many, spiritual, and positive.  A case in point is the missionary host family.

As the title suggests, a missionary host family is a family that hosts a missionary, in particular a Regnum Christi Mission Corps Missionary. And Mission Corps?

The Mission Corps is a Regnum Christi Program through which a young person volunteers for one or two years to work exclusively for the Catholic Church. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity to serve the local Church through active apostolate and to help other young people find the meaning of their lives in Christ.

RC Mission Corps is a program of formation and accompaniment designed for young people to have a real experience of Christ’s love, to be formed as apostles, to live selflessly and in constant self-giving in service of their neighbor, and to experience a journey towards vocational fulfillment.

“A missionary must have graduated from high school, be a baptized Catholic, and be drawn to the Regnum Christi charism,” said Tessa Martin, former RC Mission Corps Director. “Most have been associated with Regnum Christi, but some are not members. Many are international.

“More than that, they have to be well-balanced emotionally and not have any illnesses that would make it hard to complete a year of service. We have an in-depth application and interview process to make sure the potential missionary is a good fit for the program and will benefit from participation.”

They work alongside the Legionaries and Consecrated, often running youth activities, clubs, camps, parish programs, and school programs.

On a practical level, a missionary has to live someplace during the time they serve. Often, this is the local Legionary or Consecrated community, obviously depending on the gender of the missionaries.

However, in recent years, some localities have had several missionaries and either due to scheduling or space issues, they could not always live in the “religious” house. Thus was born the solution of the missionary host family – a committed Regnum Christi family where a missionary or two could live during their time serving the locality.

“The missionary host family has to be Regnum Christi and active in the locality,” Tessa said. “And of course, the local Legionaries and Consecrated must recommend the host family – and they have to have the blessing of the young missionaries’ families. We are really careful to make sure this is a positive experience for everyone involved.”

This has the intended consequences for the missionaries of:

  • Nice place to stay
  • Living with a Regnum Christi family and a positive married environment
  • Exposure to the laity in the locality and full range of RC branches

And it has the unintendedconsequences (at least they were unintended at the beginning) of a great experience for the host family. At least if you talk to any of the host families you will get a ringing endorsement.

“We have been very involved with the Consecrated and had a gathering each year after the March for Life,” said Ann Alicia, who with husband Hector has been a host family for the Washington, DC Locality for several years. “A couple years ago, Mary Smith said their house was overflowing…could they have a couple missionaries stay in our home? We said yes.

“They have been part of the family, but also doing their own thing.  They are gone doing their mission work all day, but we have a nice dinner on their day off and have really enjoyed the relationships. It’s been really enriching for all of us. We’ve never had a missionary who wasn’t a great person.

“It is really important that the missionaries have their own space and privacy so they have independence and freedom. So anyone who is interested has to have the right setup in their house.”

The Alicea’s experience was so positive, that it inspired Helen and Joe Truppo of the Washington locality to become the locality’s second host family.

“We live in the same small town as the Aliceas, who had been hosts,” Helen said. “We’re just 30 minutes from Our Lady of Bethesda Retreat Center and Mary Smith and Helen Yablir (Consecrated Women of Regnum Christi) wanted to add a couple missionaries and asked if they would be willing to help. We have a fully finished basement with a bathroom, so it was ideal.

“And it has worked out ideally, because we were just becoming empty nesters.  We moved our son to college the same day the missionaries moved in to our house.

“The biggest challenge we faced was when we had to say goodbye and they went home.  I felt like brought their mission into our home every night when they returned from their day and it was wonderful to see their love for Christ.”

While the Aliceas and Truppos are hosting young women in Washington, Patty and Tom Steele are hosts for young men in Cincinnati.

“Fr Lucio Boccacci, LC,approached Tom and I and asked us if we would be a host family.  They didn’t have room in the priests’ house so they needed somewhere for them to stay,” Patty explained. “Because they asked and all of our kids have moved out of the house.  We had the room and we were excited to have the energy in the house!!  God has blessed us with so much and we were excited to give back!

“We hosted two young men for the past year and we look forward to next year with the possibility of three missionaries.  The two were the first missionaries Cincinnati has been blessed to have. They brought such laughter into our house and their faithwas an inspiration to Tom and me.”

The Steeles have been in the Movement for 15 years. Patty said the only “challenge” in hosting the missionaries is that, well, they are boys in their late teens.

‘”They didn’t keep up things around the house like I’m used to, but those little things were great opportunities for me to work on my charity. And the boys really tried to do things the way I preferred. I can’t wait for the new missionaries to arrive.”

This year, two dozen missionaries will serve in localities through the North American Territory – equally divided between men and women. All are serving in localities with active Legionary and Consecrated communities.

Tessa said it is possible that localities without Legionary and Consecrated communities could host missionaries in the future. But that likely will occur after the localities with communities are being served.

If someone is interested in being a missionary host family, Tessa would love to hear from you. But keep in mind that it is a huge commitment to a locality to have missionaries, so they won’t be assigned to a locality unless missionaries are part of the locality plan and provision has been made to use their time and support their presence.”

“Not all localities are ready to host missionaries,” Tessa said. “But even if your locality isn’t directly involved, you can help the program through prayers and financial contributions.  You can make a real difference in the lives of the young missionaries, as well as the localities where they serve.”

Four Dimensions of Mission Corps

  1. Spiritual – During this year, a missionary is given an opportunity to grown in personal relationship with Christ through prayer and the sacraments.
  2. Human – During this year, a missionary works on a personal program of human formation to build a rich and balanced personality and develop qualities such as: self-knowledge, a mature and upright conscience, responsibility, trustworthiness, and self-control.
  3. Intellectual – The year begins with a formation course in the summer to prepare a missionary for his or her mission year with a series of important workshops and seminars. This formation program is continued throughout the year.
  4. Apostolic – An RC Missionary serves in various apostolates throughout the Regnum Christi localities. This work may take many forms, (retreats, youth groups, mission trips, assist in schools, parishes, etc…), through any apostolate an RC Missionary works to build up Christ’s Church. He or She is Christ’s hands and feet and voice to bring Him and His Word wherever they go.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Is It OK If Confession Follows Spiritual Direction?”

Q: I have been going to a priest for spiritual direction for about five years now. After direction, he usually hears my confession. Recently I mentioned this in a chat with a Catholic study group, and one of the participants, who claims she is a trained spiritual director, stated that the two things, direction and the sacrament of reconciliation, should never occur at the same time because they involve two different charisms. I’m a bit confused and wondering if this might be true. Coincidently, I’ve been wondering and praying whether I should seek someone new anyway. This priest was my former pastor. Although he is learned, kind, a good listener and a pleasure to talk to, he never actually offers me any direction or even any suggestions about what I should or shouldn’t do in my prayer life or anything else in my life. I know you can’t tell me what to do, but do you agree with not mixing direction with confession, and could you give me any guidelines of what I should expect from a director and lastly, do you think my doubts about my director and this woman’s comments could be God trying to tell me something? – H.M.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: In principle a person can certainly go to confession right after spiritual direction. There is nothing that bans this.

So long as the person spontaneously asks for confession from the director, that is fine. Many people are comfortable going to confession at that point, with a priest they trust. Confession can be for them a way of rounding off the experience of spiritual direction. One shouldn’t feel obliged, however, to go to confession with a director.

To say that confession and spiritual direction “involve two different charisms” has some truth to it. The former is a sacrament whose efficacy is not as dependent on the personal holiness or perspicacity of the minister. Even a mediocre priest can validly absolve sins.

Spiritual direction involves a somewhat different set of skills, and of course it can be carried out by qualified laypeople.

Still, there is overlap between the skills of a confessor and a spiritual director. The best confessors will often impart a bit of spiritual direction within the sacrament itself.

A separate issue is your current spiritual director. You mention that he is a pleasure to talk to, but that he never offers you any direction or even any suggestions about your prayer life.

From what you describe, that doesn’t sound like spiritual direction at all. It sounds like chit-chat.

Spiritual directors shouldn’t tell people what to do, of course. But spiritual direction, as its name implies, does involve direction. It should be leading you somewhere. It shouldn’t be just an opportunity for nice conversation and little else (even if the session does end with confession).

On the other hand, perhaps you should look at how you are living out your own role in spiritual direction.

First of all, have you expressed to your director the concern you expressed in your question? If not, you might want to do so. That could be fruitful, and it could open up another whole chapter in your spiritual journey.

Then, what about your own preparation for spiritual direction? How responsibly do you prepare? How intentionally are you discerning God’s work in your life and seeking holiness? Do you bring particular questions and challenges that can spark the kind of spiritual direction you really need?

There are always three poles in spiritual direction: the Holy Spirit, the director and the directee. The Holy Spirit will always do his job fully. So even if the director isn’t doing his job fully, as long as you do yours, two-thirds of the participants will be fully engaged. And God will make it fruitful.

Nevertheless, your instinct is right: Ideally you should have a director who challenges you occasionally and suggests definite ways to move forward in the spiritual life.

Perhaps you might want to consider seeking out a new director. If your current sessions seem rudderless, that could a sign that it is time to move on. For spiritual direction that lacks direction can be costing you a chance to grow in the spiritual life.

For more reading, you might check out Navigating the Interior Life.

I hope some of this helps. Count on my prayers.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What If a Catholic Campus Has an LGBTQ Club?”

Q: In the fall, my oldest son is going off to college at a Catholic university. For various reasons we love this school and feel that it is a good fit for our son. However, at our recent visit for freshman orientation, I was very surprised to find out that there is an LGBTQ club on campus. I find it hard to understand why a Catholic university is allowing for a club that is in direct moral conflict with Church teachings. I have always taught my children that all people deserve dignity and respect because we are all children of God. Yet, there is moral truth. I know that my children have to maneuver through the waters of an ever-changing and diverse culture in society, and I have tried my best to root my children in Catholic teaching. However, doesn’t permitting this club on a Catholic campus send our young people mixed messages regarding Church teachings on this issue? Do you have any recommendations for students or parents to handle or respond to this issue? – K.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: What you have learned firsthand is the tip of the iceberg of problems that have plagued many Catholic campuses for decades: a rising tide of secularism and a concomitant watering down of the faith.

The problem you mention is all too common nowadays. Unfortunately, there is no quick and simple solution.

You mention that, for various reasons, you love this school and thought it was a good fit for your son. Perhaps it would be good to step back and ask yourself a few questions. Did you do any research into the school before your son applied? Or were you going on past memories of the place?

Many problems with the religious identity of Catholic colleges in the U.S. can be traced back to the 1967 Land O’Lakes Statement, which marked a decision by a number of high-profile Catholic institutions to blaze a new trail in higher education. (For background, see a National Catholic Register article from 2017).

The 1967 document helped to fuel a secular trend on many Catholic campuses in the name of modernization. This secularization grew stronger with age. Yet many Catholics continued to send their children and money to these campuses which failed to uphold truths of the faith.

Among the responses to the problem was Pope St. John Paul II’s 1990 apostolic constitution Ex Corde Ecclesiae and the norms for its subsequent application in the United States. That is a lightning-quick overview of the problem.

How might you proceed? Perhaps a few suggestions might help.

First, if your son still intends to go to this school, you might encourage him to find a support network that will help him live his faith on campus. This means connecting with good Catholic students and perhaps a solid chaplain or even a good, off-campus parish priest.

This LGBTQ aspect of the college’s culture is certainly disturbing, but perhaps there are no better options, from your perspective. If that is the case, try to stay in touch your son throughout his college career to ensure he has access to authentic Catholic teaching.

Second, it might be good to rethink at some point in the future (say, in six to nine months) whether it might be better for your son to look elsewhere to continue his college education. Part of that reflection could involve his contacting the college to hear how it explains the apparent contradiction between campus culture and the Catholic faith.

Third, you might want to educate yourself further on the problems in Catholic education. One resource is the Cardinal Newman Society. It is a group that has had its share of opposition. But you could judge its merits for yourself.

Also helpful to educate yourself more about how best to talk about this particular issue is the video “The Third Way.”

In the meantime, you might want to intensify your prayer life for your son. Count on my prayers.

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Retreat Center Offers Marriage Renewal Based on Emotionally Focused Therapy

Our Lady of Bethesda Retreat Center, run by Regnum Christi, has begun a new set of marriage renewal weekends based on emotionally focused therapy. This combines faith and psychology to offer couples an opportunity for renewing their relationship.

What made this retreat different from most other Marriage Renewal events was that it was based on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). EFT shaped everything in the retreat providing the structure and a large part of the content.

Our Lady of Bethesda, on the Maryland side of the DC metro area, has run 2 weekends so far with 38 couples.

One Couple on Retreat

Samantha Davies went to the retreat with her husband Steve who had just celebrated 20 years of marriage. She felt that her life was too hectic with their kids and all the demands of life so they didn’t have enough time for each other. They also had a few specific points to focus on. This was pointed our to them by their spiritual director, Fr. Stephen Ellis, LC.

Asked to describe the retreat, Samantha said, “It very beautiful. It was very unifying for us. My husband went on the retreat very doubtful that it would help us resolve our conflicts.” Before they had been on typical marriage retreats focusing on one thing like communication but didn’t go as deep and didn’t help them much. Samantha said that Steve was happily surprised after the fact by how much it helped.

“I had really been looking for an emotional connection,” explained Samantha, “I had really been pursuing a retreat like this to get that connection back.”

She continued describing the time after the retreat, “We found that when we left the retreat, there was a lot that we got from it and there were still some things that had to be unpacked afterward. I feel like it was a launching point to go more deeply. Now we are more unified and thankful for each other. We are back towards the closeness at the beginning of our marriage.”

Emotionally Focused Therapy

EFT has been shown extremely effective for couples. 90% of couples trying it see improvement and 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery. This is more than double the success rate of other couples therapy.

Dr. Jonathan Marcotte who helped facilitate the retreat described the process, “Dr. Susan Johnson has found that couples get caught in a cycle, they get caught in a dance. There is what she calls the ‘demon dialogues’ where one – either the man or the woman – in the couple becomes ‘the pursuer,’ who’s always pursuing a relationship. The other one is ‘the withdrawer’ who’s always trying to avoid conflict for the sake of improving the relationship.”

Dr. Marcotte went on to describe how such a cycle creates conflict. The goal of resolving relationships with EFT is to move the couple to see the cycle as the common enemy they can fight. For this, there is a lot of training in how to recognize a cycle and help the other get out.

Empathy plays a large role in EFT as that is a main path out of the cycle, explained Dr. Marcotte. Once they empathize, they can often see how their actions pushed the other person into an emotional place that caused a lot of conflict. They can then take responsibility for their actions.

Dr. Johnson created a weekend workshop to help couples with EFT, including certain key topics the couples need to work through.

The Marriage Renewal Retreats at Our Lady of Bethesda

The general structure of the weekend is around eight conversations. For each conversation, there is a 30-40 minute talk. After, they do a 5-15 minute role-play with a real couple to give the couple an idea what the conversation will look like. The role-play should help them go deep rather than stay on the surface. The couples have about an hour to go over one or two exercises in that conversation. This repeats for the eight conversations.

During the hour couples had to talk, a team of therapists trained in EFT was available for whenever a couple wanted help.

Samantha found these conversations helpful. She noted, “It required both spouses to be in tune with what the other spouse was experiencing which could be something completely different from what they are experiencing. It really helped each spouse to understand each other better and be empathetic to where the other spouse is. At the same time, the conversations touched on some emotional and deep topics.”

Dr. Marcotte explains how they adapted this for Our Lady of Bethesda Retreat Center, “We made it Catholic. We integrated things like renewing marriage vows and integrating Catholic teachings into each of the conversations.” This involved things like mentioning prayer, adding the spiritual level of intimacy to the section on intimacy, and a number of the speakers using spiritual elements in their talks.

The retreat had a team of psychologists on hand, creating a ratio of about 1 therapist per 3 or 4 couples. Fr John Paul Durán, LC, was the chaplain and the whole team at Our Lady of Bethesda welcomed the couples.

Samantha concluded her words, “This was the best marriage retreat we’ve ever been on. You just feel a little bit remiss… We’ve been married 20 years, Why have we never received some of these tools before now? I think everybody should do the retreat at some point.”

You can find out more about Our Lady of Bethesda’s events for married couples on their website.

Note: Steve and Samantha Davies were pseudonyms for obvious reasons.

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!