Q: When does venting about people turn into detraction? My wife and I often talk about difficult experiences in order to deal with them and to foster communication. However, occasionally we have bad days at work due to a co-worker’s or customer’s awful behavior (someone yells at us or insults us, for instance). Naturally, we carry this emotional burden home and have a need to share it to get over it. Moreover, I have bad experiences of unshared difficult experiences piling up and taking a toll on my mental health. But when does talking about others’ difficult behavior cross the line into sin and even serious sin? We have never even seen almost any of each other’s co-workers and mainly just know them by their first names or their characteristics by which we have described them to each other (the “old guy,” the “Vietnamese woman,” etc.). But sometimes we might go into detail how “that Bob was awful in this many ways to me today.” So, what are your thoughts? I am conflicted about whether this is a sin, but then again remaining in silence about difficult experiences can easily snowball into huge resentments and even mental problems. – V.P.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC:

First, if you detect “mental problems” on the horizon, it might be good to see a counselor.

Second, you seem to present a false dilemma: either you and your wife vent and speak badly about others, or the resentments and mental problems grow.

A few points are worth considering.

For instance, when you vent, do you find yourself making judgments about other people? Are you quick to assume the worst of others? Are you sure of their motives?

We are like icebergs in the ocean; we only see the tip of one another above the waves.

Often, we have no idea what people are struggling with under the surface. They might have loved ones who are battling cancer. Or they might have severe financial or emotional problems.

Then, ask yourself whether you and your wife really feel better after criticizing other people. Or could it be that venting simply feeds a spirit of negativity in your home?

None of this means that you and your wife can’t share your problems. That is normal and healthy if done well.

But you need to be careful about detraction. The Catechism says in No. 2477:

“Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury. He becomes guilty: […] of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them.”

Detraction can slip into grave sin, though it’s not easy where to draw the line.

Another question is worth asking is: If speaking badly about someone was “only” a venial sin, would you keep doing it? If the answer is yes, there is a problem here. 

People who deliberately choose to sin are closer to mortal sin than they realize.

But let’s step back and try a different approach.

First, pray for the people you work with. Ask God for the patience each morning to get through the day with a spirit of charity for your co-workers and customers. And try to remember that Jesus loves each one of them.

Second, if you feel you need to share something with your wife, stick to the facts.

Rather than saying, “Bob showed his bossy self again by telling me how to rewrite the quarterly report,” try saying it this way: “I was told to rewrite the quarterly report, and that caught me by surprise. It was hard to concentrate the rest of the day.”

The idea here is to avoid naming names and attributing bad motives to people.

If you can avoid some of the negativity, it might help the atmosphere in your own home. 

You don’t want to make your home a vent tank, but rather a place of joy and peace — ideally where everyone speaks well of others.