Q: Since around age 10 I have had feelings for men. I have always tried to deny it, and I have tried to pray for it always to be changed. My feelings have never changed, but no one knows about it. I still don’t want to accept it. My family is very Catholic and somewhat against gays, and all my friends are Catholic and against gays. It has led me to very hard times because I have felt so lonely and frustrated even when I pray. I want to ask, is it fine to be a gay person and still be a Catholic, or should I keep praying about it and try to change my feelings still? I am an adult now, and these past few days I have been starting to think that I need to accept it even though I don’t want to be gay. – Mike

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: First, it’s good to remember that your core identity is that you are a beloved son of God. Your sexual attractions don’t define who you are.

Second, same-sex attraction is not sinful in itself. It’s sinful when a person acts on it, in thought or deed.

The same principle applies to everyone. It’s one thing for a man to be tempted to sin with a woman he isn’t married to; it’s another to engage in unchaste behavior with her.

Third, having same-sex attraction is not the same as “being gay.” Being gay usually implies openly embracing and living a homosexual lifestyle. That doesn’t sound like your case at all.

The Catechism is worth quoting here:

Chastity and homosexuality

2357 Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction toward persons of the same sex. It has taken a great variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity, tradition has always declared that “homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered.” They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved.

2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. They do not choose their homosexual condition; for most of them it is a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.

Note that last number: With a solid life of prayer and sacraments and dedicated service to others, a person can approach Christian perfection. He can be on the way to being a saint.

A few suggestions:

Try to find a solid confessor and/or spiritual director to guide you. A good therapist might be able to help, too. It’s important that you speak with someone about what you are going through.

And try to get involved in volunteer work. Reaching out to shut-ins or the homeless or helping at a soup kitchen can help you connect with people and help you see that you can love others and be loved in return through dedicated service.

To find the special spiritual support you need, you might also try reaching out to the Catholic apostolate Courage.

And for the record: The Church isn’t “against gays.” It considers all people sons and daughters of God and is here to help them live in accord with Our Lord’s plan for humanity.

Stay close to the Blessed Virgin Mary through the rosary. She will intercede for you.

I hope some of this helps. Count on my prayers.

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