Q: This year, after many years away from the faith, I turned back to God. It was on my heart to have the sacrament of reconciliation and eventually confirmation, so I scheduled an appointment with a priest. I was looking forward to this because I hadn’t been to confession in about 30 years. The priest asked if I was married (yes, for 10 years). He then asked if we were married in the Church. I explained that because I wasn’t living my faith at the time we got married, no, we did not get married in the Church. He said that because we weren’t married in the Church, my husband and I are living in grave sin daily, and therefore there wasn’t much point in hearing my confession. I understood this but didn’t know what that had to do with my other sins. The priest said that the only way for me to have reconciliation was for my husband and I to have a marriage in the Church. He said that the process would take about a year, and during that time my husband and I needed to sleep separately and abstain from intimacy. I knew this would be a big ask for my husband because he is not religious at all. On a practical level, I also didn’t think this was reasonable to ask of a married couple. When I mentioned this to my husband, he said that he would “absolutely not” agree to it, and then he had some choice words about hypocrisy and grave sin within the Catholic Church itself. Now I know that reconciliation will forever be out of the question for me because of my marriage. Was this priest correct in what he told me? Am I really damned to hell because my husband won’t agree to a Catholic marriage? – S.M.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC A: It’s good that you feel drawn back to God and to the living of your faith. That shows that the Holy Spirit is trying to guide you. From what you say, it sounds as though the priest gave you sound advice. He was forthright about what you need to do to return to confession and communion. The conclusions you have drawn are a bit faulty, but we will return to that point. It is always good to understand the big picture when seeking advice on things like marriage. Marriage is a sacrament, and the Church as Christ’s special instrument in the world has been given the authority to safeguard the sacraments. A Catholic who wants to marry needs Church approval. This, in part, helps to ensure (in theory, at least) that the couple are prepared well for marriage. Since you didn’t have proper approval, your marriage isn’t recognized by the Church and thus isn’t blessed by God. That is why you can’t licitly engage in intimate relations with your partner. The ideal would be to seek a convalidation (“blessing”) of the marriage. Your partner wouldn’t be required to convert. In the meantime, unless you separate or at least live as brother and sister, you continue to live in objectively grave sin, as the priest indicated. That is why you can’t receive absolution through confession. Absolution requires sorrow for all sins and the firm resolution to avoid sin. If your intention is to continue to be intimate with your partner, that means, ipso facto, you aren’t sorry for all your sins — and thus can’t be absolved of any of them. You mention that it’s a big ask for your partner to forgo intimacy for now. True. But the point of your request is so that you could return to the sacraments — which is something obviously important to you. His refusal, in effect, means he is making a far bigger ask of you: to forgo the sacraments so that he doesn’t have to make a sacrifice. When two people really love each other, they want the best for each other. Christians want to help each other reach heaven. Is your partner helping you in this regard? The story isn’t over, though. The Holy Spirit can do wonders. You say that confession is forever out of the question because of your marriage. But there is always hope. You are on a journey and so is your partner. What seems impossible today might seem doable in the future. My short advice is to intensify your prayer life, attend Mass regularly (though refrain from Communion), and start offering sacrifices for your partner. Sacrifices could include fasting and other forms of mortification, such as cold showers. Those prayers and sacrifices might help to merit the graces needed to change your partner’s heart. Cultivate a devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary through the rosary. She will intercede for you. I hope some of this helps. Count on my prayers.
