Q: I have a friend who is biologically a female but identifies as a male. I refer to this person by their preferred pronouns out of love and respect for this person. My boyfriend, however, has no idea this person is biologically a woman, and I am scared to tell him as I know he will react adversely and no longer want to be his friend. I am not sure if it is my right to inform him of this, but I feel bad for not letting him know. It feels like I’m deceiving him, and I know if he knew, he would not want to be treating him like “one of the bros.” Right now, they are good friends, and if my boyfriend were to find out, I don’t think things would be the same. What should I do? – M.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC
A: While it’s understandable that you want to show love and respect for your female friend, it is not helping the situation to feed her fantasies about being a male.
Jesus says, “The truth will set you free” (John 8:32). In practice, this means people need to accept themselves as God created them.
God created your friend as a female. To suggest otherwise is simply nonsense.
What your friend really needs is spiritual direction and psychological counseling.
For whatever reason, she isn’t accepting herself as she is. And unless the root of the problem is addressed, she will unlikely ever be at peace with herself. If she hasn’t done so already, she might end up doing severe damage to herself through hormonal treatments and surgical interventions.
Moreover, her problems are having a ripple effect by causing you to add to the deception.
For the sake of supporting your friend’s mistake, you are misleading your boyfriend about her true identity. Is that kind of deception helping you build a solid relationship with your boyfriend?
One of the problems with “transgenderism” is that it demands that the rest of us accept things that are absurd. This is the stuff of novels like 1984.
It might be good to have a heart-to-heart talk with your boyfriend soon and tell him the truth about your female friend.
In the meantime, you might want to pray for her and even encourage her to seek out counseling with a levelheaded therapist. Your parish or diocese might be able to recommend a good Catholic counselor.
With help, your friend might come to understand her dignity as a beloved daughter of God.
I hope some of this helps. Count on my prayers for everyone involved.
It happened that there was a man full of leprosy in one of the towns where Jesus was;
and when he saw Jesus, he fell prostrate, pleaded with him, and said, “Lord, if you wish, you can make me clean.” Jesus stretched out his hand, touched him, and said, “I do will it. Be made clean.” And the leprosy left him immediately. Then he ordered him not to tell anyone, but “Go, show yourself to the priest and offer for your cleansing what Moses prescribed; that will be proof for them.” The report about him spread all the more, and great crowds assembled to listen to him and to be cured of their ailments, but he would withdraw to deserted places to pray.
Opening Prayer: My God, I give you thanks for the Holy Catholic Church, your body on earth, of which you are the head. Through the Church, I can know your Truth. I thank you for the gift of the Eucharist, where I can encounter your Real Presence both in Communion and Adoration. I thank you for your presence in Scripture. Lord, in all these ways I can see your desire to make yourself known to me and to draw me to yourself. As I place myself in your presence for this moment of prayer, I ask you to open my ears so that I may hear you speak and to open my eyes so that I may see my life through your eyes.
Encountering Christ:
You Can Make Me Clean: Leprosy not only caused physical suffering, disfigurement, and even death, it also separated an individual from society—both general society and the religious community. Thus a leper was cut off from human contact and relationships even in his great physical need. In this story, a leper risked coming into town to plead with Jesus for healing. He knew that Jesus was his only chance of both physical health and restoration to his community. In a similar way, sin affects us personally, weakening our practice of virtue and separating us from God and others. We need healing and restoration. The sacrament of Reconciliation not only forgives sin, but it “reconciles us with the Church,” repairing and restoring fraternal communion (CCC 1469). In the same paragraph, the Catechism speaks of our being “reestablished or strengthened in the communion of saints” and being “made stronger by the exchange of spiritual goods” within members of the Body of Christ.
I Do Will It: There was no question about Jesus’ desire to heal the leper. He didn’t hesitate, but stretched out his hand and touched the leper, saying, “I do will it; be made clean.” As a result of original sin, each of us is subject to concupiscence (the inclination to sin). When we commit what seem to be minor sins, it can be tempting to think, “It’s just a little thing” or “It’s not a mortal sin.” However, even venial sin disfigures the image of God within us. Venial sin “impedes the soul’s progress in the exercise of the virtues and the practice of moral good… [and] disposes us little by little to commit mortal sin” (CCC 1863). We need to approach Jesus in the healing sacrament of Reconciliation, where he can touch and heal us and reconcile us with the community of the Church.
Go, Show Yourself to the Priest: A student once challenged a theology professor about the need for the sacrament of Reconciliation, stating his belief that individuals could just ask Jesus for forgiveness in prayer. The professor asked the young man, “Don’t you think each person deserves a personal encounter with Jesus?” In Reconciliation, we really and truly encounter Christ himself through the priest. Not only are we forgiven, but we are healed and strengthened in this encounter of grace. Regular confession is a means to “form our conscience, fight against evil tendencies, let ourselves be healed by Christ, and progress in the life of the Spirit” (CCC 1458).
Conversing with Christ: Jesus, I trust in your mercy. You see my brokenness and sin. You know where I need your healing grace, and you are so ready to touch me and heal me. Why then do I hesitate to seek you out in the sacrament of Reconciliation? Is it human respect, worrying what the priest may think of me? Is it pride and self-justification? Lord, I ask you to give me the desire to make regular Reconciliation a habit in my life. Help me experience this sacrament as an encounter with your merciful, forgiving love.
Resolution: In the Catechism, we are told, “The human heart is converted by looking upon him whom our sins have pierced” (CCC 1432). Lord, today by your grace I will place myself before a crucifix and will reflect on this paragraph: “The human heart is heavy and hardened. God must give man a new heart. Conversion is first of all a work of the grace of God who makes our hearts return to him. ‘Restore us to thyself, O Lord, that we may be restored.’ God gives us the strength to begin anew. It is in discovering the greatness of God’s love that our heart is shaken by the horror and weight of sin and begins to fear offending God by sin and being separated from him. The human heart is converted by looking upon him whom our sins have pierced.”
Janet McLaughlin and her husband, Chris, live on a mountain in rural northeastern Oregon. She puts her Masters of Arts in Pastoral Studies to work as she shares the beauty and importance of the lay vocation in her writing, speaking, and teaching on spiritual topics.
Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.
In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.
Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.
From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.
Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!
