Q: I have a friend who is biologically a female but identifies as a male. I refer to this person by their preferred pronouns out of love and respect for this person. My boyfriend, however, has no idea this person is biologically a woman, and I am scared to tell him as I know he will react adversely and no longer want to be his friend. I am not sure if it is my right to inform him of this, but I feel bad for not letting him know. It feels like I’m deceiving him, and I know if he knew, he would not want to be treating him like “one of the bros.” Right now, they are good friends, and if my boyfriend were to find out, I don’t think things would be the same. What should I do? – M.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: While it’s understandable that you want to show love and respect for your female friend, it is not helping the situation to feed her fantasies about being a male.

Jesus says, “The truth will set you free” (John 8:32). In practice, this means people need to accept themselves as God created them.

God created your friend as a female. To suggest otherwise is simply nonsense.

What your friend really needs is spiritual direction and psychological counseling.

For whatever reason, she isn’t accepting herself as she is. And unless the root of the problem is addressed, she will unlikely ever be at peace with herself. If she hasn’t done so already, she might end up doing severe damage to herself through hormonal treatments and surgical interventions.

Moreover, her problems are having a ripple effect by causing you to add to the deception.

For the sake of supporting your friend’s mistake, you are misleading your boyfriend about her true identity. Is that kind of deception helping you build a solid relationship with your boyfriend?

One of the problems with “transgenderism” is that it demands that the rest of us accept things that are absurd. This is the stuff of novels like 1984.

It might be good to have a heart-to-heart talk with your boyfriend soon and tell him the truth about your female friend.

In the meantime, you might want to pray for her and even encourage her to seek out counseling with a levelheaded therapist. Your parish or diocese might be able to recommend a good Catholic counselor.

With help, your friend might come to understand her dignity as a beloved daughter of God.

I hope some of this helps. Count on my prayers for everyone involved.