Q: I and my non-Catholic husband just welcomed our first child back in November. Having a daughter has made me take a hard look at my own spiritual life. While I grew up Catholic, I fell into a very secular group in college. I tried to join a local Bible study but eventually stopped going because I didn’t feel valued. At the same time, I met my husband in that group in college. He is selfless, kind to everyone, and supportive of my faith. We’re a strong partnership and talk through everything. But my husband struggles a lot with faith. He was baptized Methodist but never got a true faith foundation. He struggles with feeling condemned and judged. I feel as though I haven’t been living my faith and that for all the good intentions of my heart — including weekly Mass and weekly adoration — I’m still a lukewarm Catholic who doesn’t truly know Jesus. I still struggle with trying to earn Jesus’ love and letting my life be dictated by fear and anxiety. Lately I’ve felt scared about my salvation. When I talked about these struggles with my husband, he felt scared and unsure of how to help me. I know it is my duty as a wife to help my husband find his faith and attain heaven. I went into marriage knowing that I can never change him but hoping Jesus can. I love my husband so much and I want him to find his faith. I don’t know how to do that though. How can we live our lives and marriage in line with God’s will when we struggle individually and as a couple? Any advice would be deeply appreciated. — Ally
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC:
It’s good that you and your husband have talked about faith and salvation, etc. That is a grace in itself.
From what you say, you and your husband are works in progress. That is normal.
We are all a work in progress. We wrestle with our limitations and passions and at times our shaky faith.
This is one reason Jesus founded the Church and left us the sacraments: He knew that we would need his grace to get through life and attain salvation.
The first suggestion is: Don’t beat up on yourself. You don’t have to earn Jesus’ love. He already loves you and your husband and daughter. That is why he willingly suffered and died on a cross for your redemption.
The second suggestion is: The best way to help your husband is for you to live your faith fully.
Don’t be discouraged by your past or present limitations. You are called to holiness, and you can attain it with God’s grace. “For God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).
Offer up your Masses and Eucharistic adoration for your husband. Do so confidently, knowing that God loves him even more than you do.
And to know Jesus better, strive to imitate him in everything you do.
It might help for you and your husband to study the Catholic faith in a systemic way.
Think of getting copies of the Youth Catechism (OK for any age) or the U.S. Catholic Catechism for Adults.
Think of watching Father Mike Schmitz’s “Catechism in a Year” YouTube series. Tune in to Catholic radio at home or on the road. Or access it online.
Of particular help might be to learn more about the Divine Mercy devotion.
One thing that should become apparent as you learn about the faith is that it’s a faith of hope and of God’s merciful love.
Cultivate a devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary through the rosary. And find a solid, regular confessor to guide you.
If the feelings of fear continue to grip you and/or your husband, think about seeing a Catholic counselor.
Then take things one day at a time. Count on my prayers.
