Our Lady of Bethesda’s “Three to Get Married” program succeeds in marriage prep.
Sam and Michelle surprised the staff at Our Lady of Bethesda Retreat Center. They just dropped by to spend a little time remembering their last visit.
They had participated in the marriage preperation program there a while back, and they just wanted to remember all that they have learned from that weekend. Sam was set to deploy to Afghanistan right after their wedding, and they realized now that the tools they had learned that weekend could help them get through the difficulty of separation.
Fr. John Hopkins, LC, the former president of Our Lady of Bethesda, sees couples transformed by the program everyday. He said families regularly come up to him and say things like: “I was at marriage prep 7 years ago. It changed our life. We are so happy for it. We didn’t go to Church before, and now we are really involved. We even put our kids in Catholic schools. Thank you for marriage prep.” In fact, after a recent parish Mass, four couples at the same Mass came up to thank him.
When Regnum Christi and the Legionaries of Christ acquired Our Lady of Bethesda Retreat Center in Metro Washington D.C. 25 years ago, they wanted to help the local Church. They saw a marriage prep program as a way to help because healthy marriages do so much good. Fr. John said, “If we are going to change society and change culture, the family has to come first. If we are really going to build great youth, we need to start with the family.”
The Three to Get Married program at Our Lady of Bethesda achieves success; but what is that based on? Those involved all have a deep desire to save marriages, and they have designed the program with a unique multi-disciplinary approach that allows them to meet engaged couples where they are, and present Catholic teachings charitably.
Motivated to Save Marriages
Fr. John is motivated by seeing the special marriage his parents had, where Christ was at the center. They had some tough years early on because they took care of his grandfather with dementia, diabetes, and related complications. In high school, he noticed that there was something special about their marriage: it was strong while so many friends suffered because their parents had weak or failing marriages.
Jane Newstedt, the program director, makes a special effort to find volunteer presenter couples who have a heart to share with engaged couples; who are motivated to help the engaged couples’ marriages. She seeks couples whose stories resonate so the engaged couples can recognize and identify the struggles they have gone through.
Joe Truppo, a volunteer who does some of the talks with his wife, Helen, said: “I really enjoy sharing those personal experiences, in the hope that these couples have an experience that I kind of wish we had when I was engaged or first married – the experience of learning from the mistakes of other couples. I also like the fact we help give them a reality check.”
A Unique Combination
Three to Get Married spans four days, running 3.5 hours on Thursday and Friday, and all day Saturday and Sunday. That makes it one of the longest programs in the area. However, when talking to those running the program, they emphasized how they use those hours and not just the quantity of them.
Mrs. Newstedt gives an introductory talk explaining why the couples are attending marriage prep. She says they need to learn about marriage in general, and their own marriages in particular. She points out that there are three categories of experts we can turn to to learn about what Jesus says about marriage: priests, psychologists, and married couples.
The priests’ talks cover conscience, the meaning of life, the nature of love, the sacrament of matrimony, and sacraments in general. Most of the talks by the priests are clustered on Sunday morning, which are referred to as a “retreat,” as it covers the spiritual aspects of Catholic marriage. At the end of the retreat, there are 3-4 priests hearing confessions and the majority of the Catholics attend the sacrament, even those who been away for a while.
The second set of experts the course looks to are psychologists who have done a lot of solid research on relationships. They know what is needed for a emotionally healthy relationship. They only present a few talks, such as family of origin and parenting, but they help review all the talks to make sure they apply in a healthy way to all couples.
“The third group of experts we turn to are married couples who have lived the joys, the sorrows, the struggles and the challenges that every marriage faces,” said Jane. The engaged couples need to hear testimonies, not just information. Married couples give about half of the talks in the program, on things like money, communication and boundaries. Very often the engaged couples walk away with concrete ideas on how to deal with challenges from these volunteer couples.
From the beginning, Fr. John wanted to present clear Catholic teaching on marriage in a loving manner. In 1996, the Vatican came out with Preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage which serves as a model they still use today. The program is not designed to help “already perfect” Catholics, but to meet typical young Catholics where they are. One example of reaching people where they are is in how they present natural family planning (NFP). It is part of a talk on intimacy, which is given by a couple who used to use artificial contraception, but turned to NFP instead. They underline how that change really saved their marriage and helped them grow in intimacy. The couples tend to respond to that testimony more positively than they would to a list of reasons why NFP is a better choice.
Fr. John noted that one of the big changes they’ve done in their 25 years is moving to a greater focus on evangelization. Church documents speak of a remote preparation for marriage, which would provide evangelization during adolescence and young adulthood, but many have noted that is not happening with the majority of the engaged couples.
Now, he urges, “We need every single speaker to give witness of Jesus Christ in a subtle way. We need to bring them along to an experience of Christ and little-by-little re-introduce them into the life of the Church.”
With all the details they try to intertwine, once a year the team reviews all the elements of the program from various perspectives – priest, psychologist, organizer, presenter couples, and evaluations by engaged couples – and almost always make a few changes.
Happy Marriages
Currently, there is a waiting list for Three to Get Married. Some couples even come from out of state. One time, couples from New York, Pennsylvania and Indiana came to the same weekend. Deacon Dick Mattocks of St Raphael’s, a nearby parish, recommends the program because, “I ask those who go there ‘How was the marriage prep?’ and most of them say that it was surprisingly helpful. Those comments make me keep sending people back.” Fr. John noted how some who come say their friends told them, “You have to go to Our Lady of Bethesda, because it will change your life.”
After the weekend, many of the participants have share how it helped them. Jacob said it was, “An awesome opportunity to be conscious and thoughtful about marriage.” Mike said he would recommend it because it “prompted great conversations between my fiancée and me.” Timothy referred to the entire program as a “retreat” that he felt such spiritual nourishment from.
Even the volunteer presenter couples feel it improves their marriages. Helen Truppo noted, “It is a blessing for us to be able to talk to married couples. So for us, it’s a date night in a sense. It renews our own marriage.”
The staff at Our Lady of Bethesda aim to put happy couples in front of engaged couples, who will then form happy marriages. Fr. John said that running such a program involves a lot of work but, “when you see happiness return to marriage, it’s worth all the effort in the world.”
Note: all the names of couples taking the marriage prep program were changed for their privacy.
