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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Do You Tell a 13-Year-Old His Sister Is Living With Someone?”

January 27, 2015 / Ask a Priest

Q: My 23-year-old daughter is engaged to be married and recently moved in with her fiancé. I have not told my son about her decision. She has asked if my son can visit her at her home and I have denied her request. I am ashamed of her even though she said she will remain pure until her wedding day. What do I do about my son? -T.H.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I am sorry to hear about your situation. You are right to be concerned about the scandal your daughter’s decision has had and could have, especially on your son.

I think that it is very prudent not to take your son to your daughter’s new dwelling. To see his sister living with someone who is not her husband would send confusing signals to him.

Another issue is whether you want to tell him that his sister is living with someone. If you can avoid the subject, it might be better to say nothing to him. Or if he knows his sister has a new address, you could confirm that information and just leave it at that. If he finds out that she is living with someone, then you might want to explain simply that it is not something you approve of.

As to your daughter: That she says she intends to remain pure until her wedding day indicates a moral sense about the value of chastity.

Her decision to move in with her fiancé, however, doesn’t show good judgment. For one thing, her move has already caused scandal (to you and perhaps to others).

The Catechism in No. 2284 says, “Scandal is an attitude or behavior which leads another to do evil. The person who gives scandal becomes his neighbor’s tempter. He damages virtue and integrity; he may even draw his brother into spiritual death. Scandal is a grave offense if by deed or omission another is deliberately led into a grave offense.”

No. 2285 adds, “Scandal takes on a particular gravity by reason of the authority of those who cause it or the weakness of those who are scandalized. It prompted our Lord to utter this curse: ‘Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened round his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.'”

A second sign of poor judgment is that your daughter has put herself in the near occasion of grave sin by living under the same roof with her fiancé.

You might ask her why she moved in with her fiancé in the first place. If it was to save money, then perhaps there are options that she can explore.

By all means, try to keep in dialogue with your daughter. While she might not be doing the most prudent thing right now, in the near future she could be married and starting a family. It will help her and you and all the family to know that there are bonds of deep love between you, and that you are all trying to live your faith. Mistakes are mistakes. We pray that the damage is limited. But then we move on, and keep building for the future.

Keep praying for your children, since you will always be their mom. And count on your family being included in one of my Mass intentions. God bless.

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“Ask a Priest: Why Does God Allow Some Couples to Suffer Infertility?”

January 23, 2015 / Ask a Priest

Q: Why does God allow good people to suffer in pain of infertility? God said, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” And yet, couples go through the pain of having no children. People who are not ready, who don’t want kids, are the ones who are easily get blessed with a baby. -N.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: No doubt, infertility can be one of the heaviest crosses a married couple has to carry. The Church, in its 1987 document Donum Vitae (The Gift of Life), notes that “the desire for a child is natural: it expresses the vocation to fatherhood and motherhood inscribed in conjugal love. This desire can be even stronger if the couple is affected by sterility which appears incurable” (No. 8).

The document continues: “[S]terility is certainly a difficult trial. The community of believers is called to shed light upon and support the suffering of those who are unable to fulfill their legitimate aspiration to motherhood and fatherhood. Spouses who find themselves in this sad situation are called to find in it an opportunity for sharing in a particular way in the Lord’s Cross, the source of spiritual fruitfulness. Sterile couples must not forget that ‘even when procreation is not possible, conjugal life does not for this reason lose its value. Physical sterility in fact can be for spouses the occasion for other important services to the life of the human person, for example, adoption, various forms of educational work, and assistance to other families and to poor or handicapped children.'”

True, God gave the command to married couples to “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). Yet, children are always a gift. No one has a “right” to a child. No one can demand a child from God.

The Catechism touches on this point in No. 2378: “A child is not something owed to one, but is a gift. The ‘supreme gift of marriage’ is a human person. A child may not be considered a piece of property, an idea to which an alleged ‘right to a child’ would lead. In this area, only the child possesses genuine rights: the right ‘to be the fruit of the specific act of the conjugal love of his parents,’ and ‘the right to be respected as a person from the moment of his conception.'”

This notion of child-as-gift might help to explain the difference between the line in Genesis — which blesses fertility within married life in general — and the reality of infertility in a particular marriage.

Elsewhere in Scripture we read of couples that struggled with infertility, such as Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 25:20). Then there are the stories of Rachel (see Genesis 30) and Hannah (see 1 Samuel 1). All these accounts proved to be key moments of God’s plan in salvation history.

It is good to remember that God loves the spouses even more than they love each other. God is not out to punish an infertile couple or make their lives unbearable. Rather, he in his wisdom will allow certain sufferings in the lives of everyone, in part to help them draw closer to him.

What this can mean in practice is: A couple experiencing infertility may have the call to go deeper in their prayer lives. This will help them see their painful situation with the eyes of faith. Perhaps God is allowing them an opportunity to grow in humility and patience — they discover that life won’t always work out as they planned.

Infertility can also be an opportunity for the couple to deepen their love for each other. Suffering often brings people closer together. It might prompt them to re-examine their priorities. Perhaps they will focus more on spiritual goods. Perhaps they will have to re-examine their own attitude toward each other. “Can I grow in love for this person, even though I might never have a child with him/her?” (Conversely, God can allow babies to enter the lives of reluctant couples, in order to help the spouses grow in generosity.)

Infertility can also afford couples the chance to reconsider what it means to be a parent. Spouses might dream of having their own child, but what about adoption? More than a few couples have found great joy in opening their homes and hearts to an orphaned or abandoned child, or a special-needs child. Such couples also might find impetus to dedicate themselves to pro-life work, to help save the lives of others’ babies.

Couples could also look into the morally acceptable ways of assistance in the field of fertility, such as NaProTechnology.

A key ingredient in all this, again, is prayer. Often, infertility is a mystery whose answer is found only in prayer.

Couples struggling with this challenge can find solace in staying close to the Blessed Virgin Mary and trusting in the workings of the Holy Spirit. All this can help couples see that the greatest fruitfulness of their lives ultimately depends on their closeness to Jesus. I hope some of this can help. God bless.

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“Ask a Priest: Should Animals Be Used as Target Practice?”

January 20, 2015 / Ask a Priest

Q: My nephew and his father (my brother) routinely kill animals on their property. They use animals as target practice, not as a food source. Is this a sin? I believe that to destroy what God has placed on this earth for no reason other than to brag about how good of a shot you are, is sinful, yet I cannot find any examples remotely on point in the Bible in order to convince them of their wrongful ways. Any help? -P.B.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: God told man, “Have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and all the living things that crawl on the earth” (Genesis 1:28 ). This dominion wasn’t a license to abuse creation.

Using animals as simple target practice seems to go beyond man’s proper role in creation. The Catechism offers guidance on our relationship to animals.

No. 2415 says, “The seventh commandment enjoins respect for the integrity of creation. Animals, like plants and inanimate beings, are by nature destined for the common good of past, present, and future humanity.”

It goes on to say in No. 2416, “Animals are God’s creatures. He surrounds them with his providential care. By their mere existence they bless him and give him glory. Thus men owe them kindness. We should recall the gentleness with which saints like St. Francis of Assisi or St. Philip Neri treated animals.”

A key number with relevance to your particular question is 2418: “It is contrary to human dignity to cause animals to suffer or die needlessly.”

If the animals are not posing a threat (that is, carrying rabies or damaging crops), then to kill them indiscriminately seems to show a lack of “religious respect for the integrity of creation” (Catechism, No. 2415).

If a dad wants to bond with his son and at the same time teach him responsible use of arms, then it might be better to resort to firing ranges or legitimate hunting, where animals ultimately will be used as food.

I hope this helps. God bless.

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“Ask a Priest: What About Separation of Church and State?”

January 16, 2015 / Ask a Priest

Q: Is there a short answer to the question of separation of church and state? The question seems very misunderstood by many. -P.B.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: The short answer is that separation of church and state can be very healthy for a society, so long as the voice of the church is not stifled.

Church and state should enjoy autonomy within their own spheres of competence. It is not the church’s business to make or dictate laws (I mean “church” in the generic sense of any organized religious body), nor is it the state’s business to squelch legitimate expressions of religious beliefs.

Jesus himself recognized the legitimacy of worldly authority. At his passion he told Pilate, “You would have no power over me if it had not been given to you from above” (John 19:11).

Jesus also articulated the principle that should guide us in our dealings with the demands of the world and of the divine. “Repay to Caesar what belongs to Caesar and to God what belongs to God” (Mark 12:17 ).

How the Church has followed or failed to follow that principle has been a key ingredient in the drama of the last 2,000 years of history. In practice, the living of that principle stirs debate and passions. But that is OK; that is part of the ongoing challenge of how to live the faith in the world.

Sometimes the notion of “separation of church and state” has been interpreted to mean that religion should keep quiet in the public arena, that religion is a strictly private affair. This is not a view the Catholic Church shares, and it probably not a view the Founding Fathers of the U.S. had in mind.

The famous phrase about a “wall of separation of church and state” never appeared in the Constitution but was a line from a letter Thomas Jefferson wrote to the Danbury Baptist Association in 1802. The First Amendment says that “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.” Nowadays many people forget about that second clause. Free exercise of religion means that a person has the right to express and promote his views in the public square.

For further reading see Archbishop Charles Chaput’s article or his book Render Unto Caesar. Another resource is the Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church, under the heading “The Catholic Church and the Political Community”.

I hope this helps. God bless.

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“Ask a Priest: What Exactly Is the Church’s View on Women Priests and Married Clergy?”

January 13, 2015 / Ask a Priest

Q: Where exactly does the Church stand regarding women priests and married priests? In the course of a recent conversation with a Catholic friend, she hit upon many “hot topic” issues, some which I felt confident in explaining and others that I did not feel I had a clear understanding of. The topic of women priests and married priests was one of those issues. I believe that the vocation of the priesthood was instituted by Christ to men, and that this teaching should not be changed because of a “priest shortage.” I believe that women have a very important role in the Church in the many ministries that the Church offers. Women, in my opinion are the “heart” of the Church. My friend, however, feels that this is an oppressive point of view. If women can in society be anything that men can be, then why not priests? I said that it was a matter of profession versus a matter of vocation — one is on the physical level, while the other is on the spiritual level. And besides, Jesus specifically chose men as the first priests. Her argument was that it was a matter of the times when women were not viewed with equality; times are changing and, therefore, so should the Church on this matter. As far as married priests, she feels that the reason the Church does not permit this is because of the financial aspect of having to support families, and the Church has plenty of money; therefore, it’s time for a change on this issue as well. Can you please clarify what the Church’s position is on women priests and married priests? Is there any possibility of change on either of these issues? -K.D.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: The Church has delved deeply into the matter of women priests and concluded that it has no authority to ordain women. This is based on Scripture and Tradition.

Pope St. John Paul II addressed the matter explicitly in a 1994 apostolic letter, Ordinatio Sacerdotalis.

He wrote, “[I]n order that all doubt may be removed regarding a matter of great importance, a matter which pertains to the Church’s divine constitution itself, in virtue of my ministry of confirming the brethren (cf. Lk 22:32) I declare that the Church has no authority whatsoever to confer priestly ordination on women and that this judgment is to be definitively held by all the Church’s faithful” (No. 4).

This notion of women priests is thus a closed matter. The Church has pronounced on it definitively, and there is no chance that the doctrine will change.

The argument that Jesus didn’t ordain women because of cultural limitations doesn’t carry much weight. Jesus routinely broke the taboos of his day in his dealings with women. Recall his conversation with the Samaritan women at the well (John 4) and his defense of the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11). Our Lord also had women disciples in his retinue (see Luke 8:1-3).

Moreover, the idea of women priests, or priestesses, was accepted in the Greek world. If the prohibition against women priests in Israel had been based on cultural taboos, then the Christians would have presumably felt free to ordain women once the faith penetrated Greece and the Hellenistic societies outside Palestine. In fact, there is no evidence the early Christians ordained women in these societies.

Our Lord’s decision to ordain only men doesn’t reflect any kind of slight against women, for the human person most venerated in the Church is the Blessed Virgin Mary. She wasn’t a priest, but she was far beyond any other human in terms of the graces God bestowed on her.

A very different question is that of married priests. In fact, the Church already allows married priests in certain cases. Eastern Churches allow married priests (but not married bishops). In the West there have been exceptions granted to certain married Anglican or Protestant ministers who converted to Catholicism and were then ordained priests.

The general rule of priestly celibacy is a discipline, not a doctrine. But it is a time-honored discipline with a solid basis. Priests can more explicitly imitate the example of Christ, who was celibate. Unmarried priests can more readily dedicate themselves full-time to their bride the Church.

The financial aspect is very secondary. (By the way, to say that the Church has “plenty of money” is something of a myth. Numerous parishes and schools have closed for lack of funds in recent decades.) True, it would be no small change to have a lot of married priests. Would parishes pay the kind of salary that could support a family with three or six or 10 children? But that is another issue. …

So, yes, in principle the Church could change its discipline on priests and celibacy. More than a few people are advocating for just such a change. (For further reading about the reasons why the Church continues to maintain this discipline, see this article .)

My own hunch is that a married clergy wouldn’t be the cure-all that many people expect. A married clergy in fact might generate its own kinds of problems. Being the wife or child of a parish priest, for instance, could mean living in a virtual fishbowl. Every move you make, every word you speak, is duly noticed by parishioners. But that, too, is another issue.

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Who You Are: A Regnum Christi Retreat Guide with Fr. John Bartunek, LC

Who You Are: A Retreat Guide on the Sacrament of Baptism

January 11, 2015 / Retreat Guide

A deep crisis in our post-Christian culture is the loss of a sense of our identity, a kind of cultural and religious amnesia. To overcome that crisis, we need to rediscover the truth about who we are; we need to map our spiritual genome, so to speak. This Retreat Guide, Who You Are: A Retreat Guide on the Sacrament of Baptism, is a step in that direction, because in baptism we find the very DNA of our human and Christian identity.

In the first meditation, we will look at what Jesus teaches us about who we are in God’s eyes.
In the second meditation, we will delve into the symbols of the baptismal ceremony
And in the conference, we will review some practical activities that can help us all develop our true Christian identity to the full.

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“Ask a Priest: Who Is the Holy Spirit?”

January 9, 2015 / Ask a Priest

Q: I really don’t understand the Holy Spirit. Would you please discuss that? -S.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Your question touches on the Trinity, the core mystery of the Christian faith. The glossary of the Catechism defines “Trinity” like this:

“The mystery of one God in three Persons: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The revealed truth of the Holy Trinity is at the very root of the Church’s living faith as expressed in the Creed. The mystery of the Trinity in itself is inaccessible to the human mind and is the object of faith only because it was revealed by Jesus Christ, the divine Son of the eternal Father.”

That reference to “three Persons” can confuse us. As humans, we hear “three Persons” and might be tempted to think of three people crammed into a phone booth. It is not like that with the Trinity; no one is “crammed together” into one God.

When we speak of a “Person” in God we mean, in technical language, a subsistent relation. Each Person in the Trinity is a real relation, distinct from one another, and each Person is God. Make sense? Don’t worry if it doesn’t – it is a mystery beyond our comprehension.

So what about the Holy Spirit in particular? The glossary of the Catechism gives this definition of “Holy Spirit”:

“The third divine Person of the Blessed Trinity, the personal love of Father and Son for each other. Also called the Paraclete (Advocate) and Spirit of Truth, the Holy Spirit is at work with the Father and the Son from the beginning to the completion of the divine plan for our salvation.”

The Holy Spirit is especially mysterious. Scripture speaks of him “descending like a dove” (Matthew 3:16) at Jesus’ baptism. At Pentecost the presence of the Spirit is expressed by a “strong driving wind” and “tongues as of fire” (see Acts 2:2-3).

A dove, wind, tongues as of fire – those are images that are not easy to attach to a divine Person. Indeed, they seem to accentuate his mysteriousness.

Let’s try to think of God like this. God is pure intellect. What does an intellect do? It thinks a thought. What does God think about? He thinks about himself. And God’s thought is so perfect that it is a divine Person: the Son. The Son “looks” at his Father (the first Person of the Trinity) and the Father looks at the Son, and the love between them is so perfect that it too is a Person: the Holy Spirit. The Spirit is the bond of love between the Father and the Son.

The Father begets the Son, but the Holy Spirit proceeds from the Father and the Son (“filioque,” in the Niceno-Constantinopolitan Creed).

To add one more level of mystery, this dynamic among the three Persons doesn’t happen “in time.” Rather, it occurs from all eternity. There was never a moment when the Father was alone, or when the Father and the Son were alone together. The three divine Persons exist from all eternity. The Father is God. The Son is God. The Holy Spirit is God.

Now, let’s shift to us. That love of God, the Spirit, is the one who inspires us, moves us, sanctifies us. He comes to us at baptism and confirmation in a special way. For more reading, see the Catechism, Nos. 687-701, or this article at Catholic Answers.

Or, if you are a visual learner, you might enjoy watching these video meditations about the Holy Spirit made by my friend and colleague, Father John Bartunek, LC: “Unleashing the Power of Pentecost: A Retreat Guide on the Holy Spirit”.

This attempt at an answer is only the tip of an infinitely deep subject. Rest assured, though, that when you feel inspired to pray or do works of charity, that it is the Holy Spirit at work in you. He is that close … and that mysterious. I hope this helps. God bless.

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“Ask a Priest: Isn’t Cohabitating a Better Preparation for Marriage?”

January 6, 2015 / Ask a Priest

Q: I am wondering how you might approach the modern culture we face today, in terms of values with the consideration of what might be ideal and what might be real. I know the ideal values based in traditional Christian culture and teachings where people married so young, but I think “reality” is that more and more couples cohabitate before marriage as a trial run for compatibility because so many people marry late in life now, already fixed in their habits and self-sufficient financially. My parents married very young and are now married 50 years — God bless them! But they are in the minority. If I had married my college sweetheart, in my generation, I’m sure it wouldn’t have lasted, because I changed so much over the years. In a way, I feel like the “seasoning” of myself, spiritual maturity and growing into myself made me more fit to be a committed partner, and cohabitation before marriage convinced me that this was a man I could spend my life with. Does God want us to marry on youthful blind faith or with greater awareness of the partner who could be a greater match to our spiritual growth and fulfillment knowing he/she might draw us closer to him ultimately? Does he prefer divorce of a pre-mature, unseasoned commitment over the time-tested (even impure) process of a more adult commitment and calculated decision? I’d love to hear your thoughts. -P.D.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I appreciate your concern that people do not rush into marriage prematurely. The Church tries to avoid such pitfalls through its marriage-prep programs, though success isn’t always assured.

The question you raise, however, poses a false dilemma. It seems to presume that there are only two alternatives: either the partners are too young and unprepared and thus headed for disaster, or they have cohabitated and are “more mature” and thus bound for happier marriages. Reality is much more complex than that.

Also, the question reflects a distorted view of God. To think that God wants anyone to marry either on “blind faith” or else with “greater awareness” by cohabitating does a serious injustice to the Almighty. Let me explain.

First, the Church requires informed consent on the part of those entering marriage. “Youthful blind faith” is not sufficient, but certainly faith as such is required to enter a marriage at any age. Why? Because no one knows what the future will bring. That is part of the beauty and thrill of marriage: Two people are setting out on an adventure, with no guarantees about what lies ahead, yet they make a commitment to stay together till death.

Part of what they can rely on is the grace of the sacrament of marriage. A sacramental marriage by nature gives couples a supernatural assistance to overcome the challenges they will face.

Second, it is flat wrong to think God would prefer couples to cohabitate before marriage. Cohabitation contradicts the Sixth Commandment and leads to a blatant misuse of the gift of sexuality that God himself intends solely for marriage couples. Thus, God would not contradict himself.

Moreover, statistics indicate that cohabitation actually raises the chances of divorce. The rate can run 50% higher than for couples who don’t cohabitate. (For more reading, see Mary Beth Bonacci’s article.) That would undercut the argument that cohabitation is a good preparation for marriage.

And frankly, the idea that someone will grow in spiritual maturity by engaging in habitual serious sin doesn’t compute. The spiritual life simply doesn’t work like that. Spiritual maturity by definition implies closeness to God; habitual serious sin leads in the other direction.

Where people mature spiritually is precisely in trying to live God’s commandments. For an engaged couple that means trying to live chastely and learning to help the other partner grow in holiness. For married couples that means living the demands of marriage. These are the privileged paths to spiritual maturity.

Maybe the deeper issue here is the whole notion of reality vs. idealism. The reality of life is that we have inherited a fallen human nature. Original sin has done serious damage to us. Even after baptism we still carry the weight of concupiscence, the tendency toward sin. Only God in his great mercy can lift us above our fallen state.

So if he gives us the commandments to guide us. And since he is the one asking these things of us, we can be sure that he will also give us the grace to live those commandments. This too is “reality” — but a reality permeated by supernatural help.

My suggestion is to read into Pope St. John Paul II’s theology of the body, which has been popularized by a namesake institute (see here). This corpus of teaching helps put God’s plan for marriage and sexuality in its proper perspective. I hope it helps you. God bless.

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“Ask a Priest: How Far Should a Mom’s Love Go?”

December 30, 2014 / Ask a Priest

Q: Could you please tell me if there is anything written in the Bible about a mother’s love for her children. Is it ever OK for a mother to give up on her kids — to stop loving them, to stop talking with them? What about treating each child fairly when there are multiple children? Last of all, is there anything about a mother that, for her own benefit, she should stop associating with her children — for the sole purpose of not wanting to deal, teach, bother, etc., with them any longer? Can she take one child’s side for the sole purpose that she lives with one child and wants to continue to live there, no matter what the outcome for the other child? -L.N.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: You must be facing very painful challenges in your family. First of all, you want to remember God’s love for you and your children. As a mom, you also enjoy a grace of state that will help you live out your mission to be a bond of love within your family.

As to your question: Permit me to offer one quote from the Gospel, as a simple, but not simplistic, answer.The quote is from Matthew 10:37-38. “Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever does not take up his cross and follow after me is not worthy of me.”

This quote helps us put all our relationships in perspective, because at every moment the first person in our life should be Jesus. Ideally, he should be part of every relationship we have – be it with a spouse, a child, a friend, whomever.

In practice that means we should be bringing the love of Christ to others in some way. We should also be helping to bring them closer to Christ. And we should try to exclude anything that would separate us from him.

So what does this mean in your case? It means you should never give up loving your children (we should love everyone, after all).

This doesn’t mean you have to tolerate everything they do. If they are adults and are involved in objectionable activities – for instance, crime or adultery – then you have a right (and maybe a duty) to exclude them from your home. But you shouldn’t stop loving them. You can and should still pray for them and offer up sacrifices for their conversion.

It is good to remember, too, that a mother’s love will take different practical forms at various stages of the children’s lives. Infants need a lot more direct care and attention than adult children. In fact, it would be unreasonable for adult children to expect mom to be as available to them, and as malleable, as she was when they were kids. In that case, a mother’s love might have to express itself in putting some distance between herself and her child — even if the child doesn’t want that. The point is that love — sincerely willing the best for another person — doesn’t always have to look the same on the outside.

In general you need to decide how to deal with your children in the light of faith and of your relation with Christ. That might involve praying about a matter, studying what the Church teaches, and consulting with a spouse or a priest or a spiritual director, and then making your best decision. In practice this means that sometimes you will need to be more merciful; at other times, more demanding.

To come back to your question: You are looking for helpful biblical verses.

What is the Bible? It is the word of God. And who is the ultimate Word of God? Christ! So he is the “verse” you need. Stay close to him. Make him the first person in your life. And then deal with the people in your life accordingly.

One other suggestion: Stay close to the Blessed Virgin Mary. She knows too well the struggles and pains that the heart of a mom goes through. She will be ready to intercede for you.

I hope this helps. You and your family will be in a Mass intention. God bless.

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