Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Is There a Place for Single People in God’s Plan?”

Q: Is there any of God’s grace left for those who are unable to marry or even enter the priesthood or religious life or marriage because of certain limitations or choice? It always sounds as though the Church does not recognize the sacredness of the single life. Thank you. -D.L.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: There is certainly lots of grace to go around for everyone. And all people — singles included — are called to holiness.

You are correct, however, that the Church hasn’t always offered a lot specifically for single people. Things have changed over the decades, though there is always room for improvement.

There are a number of observations and suggestions that you might consider.

First, the Church does offer singles a lot — through the sacraments, the liturgy, its corpus of teachings. Remember that the first relationship we need to be concerned about is our union with Jesus. If you looking for Mr. Right, well, you already have him – in the person of Jesus, who suffered and died on a cross for love of you, who comes down from heaven to be in the Eucharist so as to enter your heart.

It is good to emphasize this point because – and this might be tough for a single layperson to understand – every other human relation will never match up to what Christ gives us.

Put another way, there are a lot of sad married people out there who rely on Christ for real meaning and joy in their lives – for they realize that their own spouses will never bring them the happiness they had hoped for on their wedding day.

Second, if you see that singles have special needs, feel free to do something about it. Be pro-active! Instead of waiting for “the Church to do something,” think about what you can do.

Maybe you could organize events for singles in your area, either at the parish or at another venue. There are lots of things you could build an event around; for instance, a lecture on a new book or a talk on theology of the body or Church social doctrine (look here for some downloadable and discussable retreats, and also some group study guides). Maybe a professor at a nearby college or an expert in your diocese would be available to give such a talk. Or perhaps there is a movie that could be the basis of a good discussion session, preceded or followed by a social event with fancy snacks, etc.

 

Or perhaps there is a charitable agency that could use the help of a group of committed people. A crisis-pregnancy center or a soup kitchen might be able to use help. The idea here is to use your personal gifts to enrich the community and help other people feel as if they, too, can contribute.

A corollary to the above is to see your single state as an opportunity to dedicate yourself to more service to your parish or community. You can dedicate yourself to helping families who need an extra hand. Perhaps you could approach your pastor and see if he has a wish list of projects for the parish. The possibilities are numerous.

Then, too, you could dedicate yourself to more prayer. Praying the Liturgy of the Hours, attending daily Mass and yearly retreats, getting involved in an ecclesial movement (see here for more reading) – all can enhance your spiritual life and build up the Church. I particularly recommend these books by one of my priest friends: The Better Part and Seeking First the Kingdom.

For your own personal balance, websites such as Mary Beth Bonacci’s might give you ideas.

I pray that you understand the great wealth you have to share with others, and to find fulfillment in going deeper in your relationship with Our Lord. Oh, and let’s not forget: It was an unmarried Person who saved the world.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Should an Asperger’s Sufferer Forgo Having Children?”

Q: I have a rather complex question. I have Asperger syndrome, a mild form of autism which manifests itself in social anxiety. Luckily, this is the only side effect of my condition as I have a job, drive a car and enjoy a relatively normal and balanced life. Recently I have met a girl and after much prayer I feel I am being called to the holy sacrament of marriage. However, I am fearful of bringing children into the world if the “law” and “society” see me as mentally unfit to raise a child. Perhaps I do suffer more from this condition than I realize. Should I give up on my calling to marriage, or would it be OK to practice contraception with my future wife so to not bring children into the world? This would, after all, be for the greater good, because I don’t want to perpetuate any damage to a child that might suffer from me being its father. -A.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is laudable that you are concerned about the impact of Asperger’s may have on marriage and fatherhood. It shows that you are thinking deeply and seriously about the true meaning of that vocation.

Some research shows that Asperger syndrome can run in families, and some families have with a history of children with AS and classic autism. A relative who has had similar characteristics when younger might be in a unique position to help a child – because the relative knows what the youngster is going through.

There is no formal identification of the precise means of transmission if the cause is genetic. But there are suggestions as to which chromosomes might be involved. As our knowledge of genetics improves, we might soon be able to predict the recurrence rate for individual families (see here).

As to the question whether this is a good enough reason to abstain from having children, the answer is twofold.

On the one hand, a marriage with the intention of not ever having children would be invalid. The encyclical Humanae Vitae mentions that a couple may space their children if the couple have sufficient or weighty reasons. A marriage would probably be valid if the couple is not totally closed to the idea of accepting a child, should one be conceived despite the use of natural family planning. Under no circumstances, however, is contraception permitted. It is an intrinsically evil act that deliberately thwarts the meaning of the marital act. The end would not justify the means in this case.

Second, your question touches on the notion of human perfectionism and defects. This is not really a Christian concept of the human person; rather, it is a utilitarian notion. We are all imperfect in one way or another. Our humanity matures amid our struggles, our aspirations, our human spirit. To assume that conception should be avoided solely because a future child might have an imperfection is not the healthiest principle to live by. What seems imperfect to the world is lovable in the eyes of God. What makes us valuable is not physical or mental perfection but rather our immortal soul and the image of God engraved in each one of us.

I pray that you consider deeply the options you are considering, and to be aware of the providence of God and his love.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Is it OK to Enter a Civil Marriage First?”

Q: My fiancé and I are planning on getting married and I would like it to be in the Church. My fiancé is in the military and is Christian. He is going to contact the Catholic priest on his Army base to ask about the RCIA process because he wants to become Catholic. Since this process will take a certain amount of time and he also will be going overseas soon, will it be allowed by the Church if we were to get a civil marriage prior to having the Catholic ceremony? We would really like to buy a house and also combine our expenses and insurance, and we know we would not be able to get a Catholic marriage until after he returned from overseas and we do not want to rush. Would we be allowed to have a Catholic marriage celebration after he returns, while already having our civil marriage document previously completed? We would not mention to anyone our civil marriage because, personally I would not consider it a marriage until God sealed our deal and approved. Please let me know if this would be possible. I have been a devout Catholic and I really would like to have a wonderful celebration in the Church. -J.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Permit me a few questions in turn.

Have you and your fiancé talked to a Catholic priest, either your parish priest or the military chaplain? Many things can be expedited, especially if a service member is being deployed to a hostile fire area. It might be possible to have a valid marriage in the Church sooner than you think.

That being said, the Church does not approve of Catholics marrying before a civil magistrate. The Church could, of course, convalidate the civil marriage later, all other things being in order. But at that point you might still need to go through a marriage preparation program.

Another question is: Do you want a big church wedding if and when the marriage is convalidated? Officially, the convalidation should be a small liturgy. The size of the celebration depends on pastoral prerogative. You should be aware of this when making a decision about a civil marriage.

And, of course, there is that chance that news of your civil marriage gets out – and possibly causes a scandal with family and friends.

You will want to take all this to prayer. I pray that you decide well, and will include you and your fiancé in one of my Mass intentions.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: A Soft Spot for Catholicism … But Where Do I Go From Here?”

Q: I feel like a man who is thirsty for the truth but doesn’t know how to find it. So many people within Christendom claim to have the fullness of the truth. I have gone from mainstream Protestantism to dabbling in Catholicism to Christian Universalism to liberal Christianity to Messianic Judaism/Hebrew Roots Movement. And now I don’t even know where I am. I just call myself a believer in Christ. God has shown me that following Christ is the only logical way to live life, but I don’t know how to really go about doing that. I have many Catholic friends and have a soft spot for Catholicism, but I just don’t understand a lot of things. I have seen convincing arguments for the eventual salvation of all mankind and also for Torah observance (from my Universalism and Hebrew Roots studies), though I’m not 100 percent sold on them. The Catholic Church claims to be the fullness of the truth of the church that Jesus Christ set up. But I just don’t know where I am with it all. Please help. -N.H.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good that you believe in Christ. That is the best starting place.

There is no way to prove that Catholicism has the fullness of Revelation. If it could be proven, a person wouldn’t need faith. So there is always going to be an element of faith in accepting the Catholic Church and its teachings and practices.

But let’s return to Christ. He said, “Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets. I have come not to abolish but to fulfill” (Matthew 5:17). Jesus shows respect for the law and prophets of the Old Testament, but he adds that he has come to fulfill, to complete, what the Old Testament was pointing to.

In practice that meant Jesus would perform miracles on the sabbath without disparaging the idea of a day of rest (see Mark 3:1-6). He also “declared all foods clean” (Mark 7:19), in effect superseding the dietary rules of the Torah.

I mention these examples because you mention “Torah observance.” God’s revelation to the chosen people was, in theological terms, progressive. This meant God revealed himself and his plans little by little. The fullness of his revelation was the person of Jesus Christ, the Second Person of the Trinity who took on human nature and walked among us.

What did Jesus do? He founded a church on the faith of Peter (see Matthew 16:18). Peter as head of the apostles (he is mentioned by name more times than any other apostle, for instance) is the first pope. And the Catholic Church can trace the lineage of the popes (or “successors of Peter”) from the apostle all the way down to Pope Francis.

What did Jesus tell us about his own body and blood? “Amen, amen, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you do not have life within you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink” (John 6:53-55). Who purports to offer the real presence of Jesus, body and blood? The Catholic Church does – in the Eucharist, which is celebrated at each Mass.

These are some simple reasons for connecting what the Catholic Church does and believes with what Jesus taught. The process of your entering into a deeper relationship with Christ is something that goes beyond mere logic, of course.

The Church believes that faith and reason are invented by God, and so he wants us to use both in order to draw closer to him.

On the intellectual side, you might consider studying the Catechism or the Compendium of the Catechism.

On the spiritual side, take what you read in the Catechism to prayer (maybe even take some time to dip into our free online Retreat Guide resources, to help your prayer and reflection). Ask for light from the Holy Spirit. You will find a great unity and richness in the Church’s teachings.

Feel free to send along questions from time to time if you get stuck on something. I’ll caution you ahead of time, though, that the Church doesn’t have answers for everything. There are some things that remain mysteries. It seems Our Lord prefers things that way for now – it keeps us humble and aware that God’s ways are not always our ways (see Isaiah 55:8).

I pray that the Spirit lead you to all truth. God bless.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: How Can I Take Baby Steps in Overcoming My Sins?”

Q: I started praying both the rosary and the Divine Mercy chaplet. I have come to see how self-absorbed and sinful I am and can be. I feel regret for things I have said and done, but it is too late for me to take them back. What should I do? How can I take baby steps in eliminating my sins? How can I remain humble when being corrected? I hate that my vices and faults are transparent. I struggle with accepting that God holds us Christians to a higher standard. When I hear that, I want to run away. It seems unfair that people outside the Church are free to live as they please without judgment. My question might reveal some of my biblical ignorance. -D.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: The fact that you sense your sinfulness more clearly is a sign that you are probably advancing in the spiritual life. You are seeing yourself as you really are, through the eyes of Christ.

But that is why this is a moment for hope, not despair. Christ is here to raise us up.

As for being held to a higher standard, you should be grateful for the gift of baptism. Jesus says, “Much will be required of the person entrusted with much, and still more will be demanded of the person entrusted with more” (Luke 12:48). And if you want help reflecting on how to apply that to your own life, in an eminently positive way, you may want to watch this short video, the Conference from the Retreat Guide called Starlight.

Your faith is a gift from God, and you need to see it as such. People “outside the church” are not really free to live as they wish; they too have consciences, and they will have to follow them in order to have a chance at salvation.

Moving ahead in the spiritual life involves a lot of work and effort. God’s grace will be there to sustain you. Don’t lose hope if you still have falls. A big part of humility is recognizing how much we need God’s help and not being afraid to face it when we fail to take advantage of his grace.

Part of his help might come in the form of people around us who correct us from time to time. In moments like these, an act of humility would be to stop and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance, and then calmly evaluate the correction that is offered. Could it be that you have a blind spot somewhere? Could it be that you need to rethink an opinion you have long cherished? Could it be that Our Lord is trying to nudge you to change something in your life?

To grow in the spiritual life, you will find it helpful to have a plan. It is possible to work systematically on the things we need to change in ourselves.

One ingredient is having a program of life. It is a kind of business plan for the spiritual life. We examine ourselves, focus on the key vice we need to get rid of, and then come up with a plan to counter this vice (usually by working on the opposite virtue).

For more reading on programs of life, click here.

At any rate, you will want to intensify your prayer life and sacramental life. Make time for Bible reading or spiritual reading (here is a great book to start with, since it explains how to grow in our love for God, step by step: Seeking First the Kingdom). Consider attending daily Mass occasionally. It might be helpful to have a regular confessor or spiritual director.

There is a way to overcome vice, with the grace of God. The key is to commit yourself to this path of holiness that God calls you to. I pray that you do just that.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Is it OK to Vent About Someone?”

Q: Is venting a possibility? Can one talk behind someone’s back (in a negative way) for therapeutic reasons or to deal with one’s anger toward another? Is this possible? The person does not want to hurt the other, just deal with it. -P.S.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Venting is certainly a possibility, given fallen human nature. But it can quickly become a very uncharitable exercise that ruins the good name of a person. And rather than being therapeutic, venting can become a habit that drags down one’s spirit and the spirit of all those in the vicinity.

A few numbers from the Catechism are worth quoting:

No. 2475. Christ’s disciples have “put on the new man, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” By “putting away falsehood,” they are to “put away all malice and all guile and insincerity and envy and all slander.”

No. 2477. Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury. He becomes guilty:

— of rash judgment who, even tacitly, assumes as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor;

— of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them;

— of calumny who, by remarks contrary to the truth, harms the reputation of others and gives occasion for false judgments concerning them.

No. 2478. To avoid rash judgment, everyone should be careful to interpret insofar as possible his neighbor’s thoughts, words, and deeds in a favorable way.

That last number is a helpful guide in daily life. So often we are tempted to assume the worst of others — and proceed to share our assumptions with others. This is the kind of thing that can poison a workplace or school or neighborhood. And we shouldn’t kid ourselves that venting isn’t going to hurt other people. It does, and with the coming of Internet and e-mail and texting, nasty comments can gain traction and spread rapidly.

I’d suggest a few things. First, cultivate a spirit of mercy and forgiveness. Our Lord actually prayed from the cross for his tormentors. “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). If Christ could suffer and die for that person who rubs us the wrong way, shouldn’t we be willing to show some mercy to that person?

Second, when you are simply boiling up inside and need to express yourself (“vent”), feel free to do so in prayer. God can handle it! Sometimes, though, we need to speak to another human person in order to clear the air and help process our emotions. When this is necessary, focus on expressing your own emotions and how hard it is for you to deal with them. Avoid condemning other persons, their motivations (what you think are their motivations) and their shortcomings. That kind of venting will never actually help us get back to an even keel. It will leave us bitter and angry — maybe even more than when we started venting.

Third, cultivate the habit of speaking well of others, of looking for the good in others. What tremendous good you would do if you tried to keep conversations positive. It would change the atmosphere of the office, the school, the neighborhood. It would be a great act of charity, and it wouldn’t cost much. You’d be surprised what a pleasant habit it could become. I pray that you consider pursuing just such a habit.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Why Was Vatican II Held?”

Q: I still cannot understand why they called the Second Vatican Council. What was wrong with the Church before? From what I’ve read the ’40s and ’50s were a golden age for the Church, with Mass attendance up, vocations up, Catholic schools packed, donations up. When I ask some priests, all I get was a lot of double talk about “new direction” and “opening windows” (I didn’t know they were closed), and the truth is, after the Council the Church declined. Sounds like the whole thing was a big mistake. When did the Church not take care of the poor or reach out to sinners? I am still confused after 50 years. -D.M.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: You raise a big question – one that has puzzled people for a half-century.

I couldn’t begin to do justice to this issue in such a short answer. But let me offer a few observations.

First, though, let me point you to what some experts have said. You can find the opening address to the Council, given by Pope St. John XXIII to summarize the purpose of the Council and give direction to the Council Fathers, here. You can find the first of a series of reflection on the Council made by Pope Benedict XVI, in which he recalls his own experience and ponders the providential meaning of the Council, here. Now onto some of my own thoughts.

It’s true, Catholicism seemed to be healthy in the 1940s and 1950s, in the U.S. at least. But even here there were weaknesses under the surface. The picture was bleaker in Europe and elsewhere.

The Church, though strong in some areas, sensed that it needed to be more effective in reaching out and evangelizing the wider world. Among the problems: Seminary training was outdated, and the Church was insular in some ways.

With the best of intentions, the bishops at Vatican II wanted to open the Church so as to better dialogue with and evangelize the world. They also wanted to get rid of old practices that weren’t really appropriate in the 20th century (for instance, the style of some nuns’ habits).

The problem is, the Church began to change things just at a moment when the wider world was going through turmoil – the radicalism of the 1960s.

To make a long story short, many Catholics were thrown off balance by the changes, and much of what was called the “spirit of Vatican II” was really a misinterpretation of what the Council Fathers intended. Part of the reason for this is that the Council was conducted in Latin, and the media relied on secondhand translations and “interpretations” of what was going on.

The result was a lot of confusion, and this extended to the identity of religious and priests. The fact that so many nuns and priests left the convent and the rectory in those years was a sign of the weak formation that some of them had – that is why the 1940s and 1950s were not really as solid as they appeared on the surface. Smart bishops and religious – those who were orthodox – had detected those problems. (It is interesting to listen to Fulton Sheen’s talks and how he detected a lot of problems during the “golden age.”)

In short, the implementation of Vatican II was problematic, especially in the West. (Pope John Paul II, in contrast, remembered that implementation of the Council went more smoothly in Poland, but that was a culture in a context that was very different from much of the West.)

Historically it takes awhile for the positive impact of Church councils to be felt. We are seeing some fruits of Vatican II. Seminary formation is generally better. We have the Catechism and many up-to-date catechetical materials to help us.

But admittedly we still have a long way to go. Some of the post-Vatican II damage hasn’t been reversed. We need time to rebuild. (For more reading, see Ralph McInerny’s piece here. He has also written a book on the subject.)

So where do we go from here? We pray. We try to help our parish, our neighbors. We try to live our vocations well. We stay close to the sacraments. We cultivate devotion to Our Lady. We do what we can, and then leave the rest in Our Lord’s hands. It is his Church, and he promised to be with us till the end of the age.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Are Pants Appropriate for Women?”

Q: Could you please clarify the Church’s guidelines on modesty for women? I’ve read several sites that state women cannot wear pants, shirts lower than the two fingers below the pit of the throat, or sleeves above the elbow, but I was not sure if this was an actual teaching. Also, I do rowing, a sport which requires the athletes to wear Spandex so clothing does not get stuck in the seat track. I wanted to know a priest’s perspective on wearing such clothing for physical activity when required (not for the intention of attracting attention). Thank you so much for your time! -A.E.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Clothing for women is a topic that could ignite debates that rage for years — with no definitive resolution. With that in mind I will try to outline some general criteria that you might find helpful.

First, the Church doesn’t spell out specific criteria for dress for women. True, at St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome there is usually a small poster showing the kinds of outfits that are not appropriate for women entering the historic church. But the criteria reflect what should be a common-sense approach to attire for someone entering a sacred place.

Second, the Church encourages women (and men, for that matter) to dress modestly for several reasons. Modesty helps others to live chastely. Modesty helps bring out the beauty of the spirit of the person rather than draw undue attention to the flesh. Modesty can also engender as well as express a healthy self-image in a woman. She is first and foremost a daughter of God, a person with dignity and an immortal soul, a human being who reflects the glory of the Almighty in a special way — not merely an object to be ogled for base pleasure.

Third, clothes are influenced strongly (though not always healthily) by the wider culture, and standards vary from place to place and time to time. All these factors should be taken into account.

A woman working or relaxing at home might dress one way, but she prudently wouldn’t dress the same way for office work or a shopping trip. Likewise she might dress one way for the beach but another for a picnic.

A woman would also want to take into account the people around her. Wise is the woman who takes into account the impact that her attire might have on men, especially if she is in prolonged contact with them, as in an office setting. Visual things have a stronger impact on the male brain than on the female brain. What a woman might think makes her “look terrific” might come across as provocative to a man. If she dresses “terrifically” but provocatively day after day, well, that can lead to all kinds of unforeseen problems.

As far as some of the specifics you ask about, I’d say, it all depends. If a woman is at home, a lower-cut blouse might not pose any problems for others. If she is working as a cashier at a gas station, that is another case.

What about sleeves above the elbow? Well, they might be OK if the collar is high and the accompanying skirt is longish. And, again, the location would be a factor. And pants? Here, the question a woman would want to ask herself is, is she wearing pants in such a way as to draw attention to her figure? Or is it for practicality (such as situations where a skirt could be snagged on machinery)? Are the pants tight? Or are they complemented with a jacket?

One idea that might be worth mentioning here is this: Modesty enhances the beauty of a woman and draws people to her as a person. Clothes that draw attention to the face — the countenance reveals the person — will help others to relate to a woman at a higher level. Clothes that draw attention to the body can do a disservice to the woman, because they can encourage others to look more toward the flesh and less toward the spirit.

Unfortunately the media have done a lot to lower standards in dress and demeanor. And women, often unwittingly, have added fuel to the very fires that scorch their dignity as daughters of God.

An apostolate that tries to help women, especially young women, to use prudence in dress is Pure Fashion. Its website offers guidelines on dress, though these shouldn’t be taken as official Church teaching. (And don’t be surprised if you find yourself disagreeing with some of the criteria listed there!)

From a priestly perspective, I would paraphrase an old adage this way: Dress in the light of eternity. Dress so as to reflect the glory of God. “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?) (1 Corinthians 6:19). Dress in a way that helps others recognize your dignity — and their own.

I hope some of this helps. God bless.

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!