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“Ask a Priest: Can Sins Be Forgiven in the Absence of Confession?”

August 18, 2015 / Ask a Priest

Q: Can absolution be granted in the absence of a priest and confession? In other words, under what circumstances would a person receive absolution directly from God? Is this possible in the Catholic faith? I know only God can grant absolution, but under what circumstances would the Church say he would do that without a confession to a priest? I am a graduate student, and there was a bit of a debate during my last class about this topic. After researching online, I am no closer to having an answer to the question. Thank you for any knowledge you can lend me on this topic. -M.P.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: There are ordinary means for receiving forgiveness of venial sins outside of confession. These include: attending Mass and worthily receiving Communion; doing acts of charity; fasting; and almsgiving.

It is also possible to receive forgiveness of mortal sins outside of confession. In this case a person is required to have perfect contrition – sorrow for sin which springs from perfect love, that is, for having offended God. But there is a condition attached.

The Catechism in No. 1452 says, “When it arises from a love by which God is loved above all else, contrition is called ‘perfect’ (contrition of charity). Such contrition remits venial sins; it also obtains forgiveness of mortal sins if it includes the firm resolution to have recourse to sacramental confession as soon as possible.”

Thus, for example, a person on an airplane that is ready to crash could be forgiven for his mortal sins by a perfect act of contrition.

Likewise, canon law (Church law) foresees the efficacy of perfect contrition in the absence of a priest.

Canon No. 916 says, “A person who is conscious of grave sin is not to celebrate Mass or receive the body of the Lord without previous sacramental confession unless there is a grave reason and there is no opportunity to confess; in this case the person is to remember the obligation to make an act of perfect contrition which includes the resolution of confessing as soon as possible.”

Again, notice that the person has to resolve to go to confession as soon as possible. This emphasizes that the sacrament of confession remains the ordinary means for God to grant absolution. A big advantage is that a penitent can be assured of absolution within the sacrament, even with only imperfect contrition.

In any case, the norm remains that people in mortal sin should seek absolution within the sacrament. In the meantime they are encouraged to make an act of perfect contrition, with an eye toward still seeking confession to a priest.

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“Ask a Priest: How Does a Priest Know What He Believes Is True?”

August 14, 2015 / Ask a Priest

Q: How do you know that what you believe is right? The devil confuses people and tells them all kind of lies. So as a priest, how do you know that what you believe is correct and not just another lie? I mean no disrespect. -D.W.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Thanks for your note. Yours is one of the great questions that everyone has to grapple with in his own life. How can we be sure of what we believe? Scripture warns us, “Do not trust every spirit but test the spirits to see whether they belong to God” (1 John 4:1).

So how do I know that what I believe is correct? The short answer is: I see what the Church says.

God is truth. He “can neither deceive nor be deceived” (Catechism, No. 156). In other words, God won’t contradict himself. So he won’t reveal one thing to the Church and then reveal to me something that contradicts what he revealed to the Church. That would be confusion — a telltale sign of the devil’s presence.

What my reliance on the Church means in practice is this: When I tentatively embrace a belief or opinion, I can try to check its validity by looking at what the Church says on the topic. If my tentative view matches what the Church says, or at least doesn’t contradict what the Church teaches, then I can be reasonably sure that I’m heading in the right direction.

But this, in turn, raises an obvious question. How do I know what the Church teaches is true?

Here I could research and discover that Church teaching does not contradict Scripture. I could also look at Church documents over the centuries to see if there is continuity in the teaching. Church documents have lots of footnotes referring to earlier ecclesial documents. Ultimately, though, I trust the Church because I trust Christ; he founded it, and the Holy Spirit guides it.

This doesn’t mean, however, that the Church has an easy answer for everything. Life isn’t that simple. In fact, the Church admits its limitations. Vatican II’s pastoral constitution, Gaudium et Spes, says, “The Church guards the heritage of God’s word and draws from it moral and religious principles without always having at hand the solution to particular problems” (No. 33).

That was written in 1965. The world has gotten a lot more complicated since then. So grappling with modern-day problems takes prudence, prayer, and research.

A practical criterion that helps is this: Whatever is true is reasonable. Faith and reason go together; God invented both, so they won’t contradict each other. Some points of the faith go beyond what reason can discover (such as the Trinity), but they are not unreasonable. That is a fine distinction.

The truth is like a path through a forest. It takes two feet to walk the path – in this case, the foot of faith and the foot of reason. By alternating between faith and reason, we find that we can go deeper into the forest and experience it better.

I could go on, but perhaps this reply would answer your question in a sufficient way. Feel free to send further questions if you have them. (For more reading on God’s revelation of truth, and how the Church discerns it, see the Vatican II dogmatic constitution Dei Verbum). I hope this helps.

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“Ask a Priest: How May I Help my Parish Priest Prudently?”

August 11, 2015 / Ask a Priest

Q: I feel the sense of friendship toward my parish priest, but I do not want this to be misunderstood. Sometimes I want to help my priest and offer support, but I am a female and I don’t want to cause any unnecessary scandal. I do not want to “cross the line.” How far would be “too far”? -M.M.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Thanks for your concern about helping a priest. At the same time, your concerns about avoiding scandal are prudent.

Still, there are many ways you could discreetly support your priest.

First, pray for him and all priests. He and all priests need lots of prayers.

Second, be an active parishioner. Regular attendance at Mass and participation in parish activities are good ways to support your priest in the wide sense.

Third, try to see your parish priest as someone who is married — in this case, to the Church, the bride of Christ. This might help to cast a light on all the decisions you make regarding your dealings with him. You won’t want to spend too much time chatting with him or finding ways to bump into him “unexpectedly,” for instance.

In practice, this might mean offering help through third parties, such as a rectory receptionist. This helps to keep things transparent. So if you want to prepare, say, a feast day meal or fancy dessert for the priest, instead of asking him directly, go through his secretary.

Another thing that might help is to band together with others in the parish to offer assistance. Then two representatives of the group could approach the priest with offers of help, etc.

Fourth, keep an eye on your own motivations. Relationships with priests can start out innocently but later take a turn down an inconvenient path. Here, it is good to be realistic. The human heart can be like flypaper, quick to stick.

Fifth, look to help a variety of priests if possible. This could include guest preachers or the staff at the local seminary.

For further reading, see Fr. John Bartunek’s article here.

And keep praying for vocations. Your support for priests and vocations can be invaluable. God bless.

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“Ask a Priest: What Makes Satan so Evil?”

August 7, 2015 / Ask a Priest

Q: I have been thinking a lot about the whole story of the Bible, and I wanted to ask, What is it that actually makes Satan evil, besides having free thought and questioning God? Other than that, it does not seem like there is any reason to believe Satan is evil other than God telling us he is. I will admit I do not know a whole lot about the Bible, but God seems very hypocritical because he kills many in the great flood and has his commandment “Thou shall not kill,” but he tells the Hebrews to go to war and kill many people — soldiers and civilians — to get a city of their own. I am very confused by why I should believe Satan is evil because it does not really show. -A.K.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: A simple way to approach your questions is, first of all, to focus on one fact: God is infinitely good, infinitely merciful, infinitely true. To call God hypocritical is wrong and should give one pause to rethink assumptions.

Satan was an angel, a pure spirit created out of love for God. Satan was among the highest of the angels. God gave the angels a choice. Some chose to go against God, their creator and the source of everything good in the universe. With their fall they became the bad angels, the demons, with Satan foremost among them. Since then, the demons have been actively trying to destroy everything that God loves, especially human beings, through sowing seeds of arrogance, violence, deception, infidelity, and all other forms of sin — that is why the demons are evil.

Our first parents also sinned, and because of that we inherit original sin, a defect in our human nature. This has painful consequences. It darkens our intellects, weakens our wills and disorders our passions. This is why the world is in such a mess.

Now, God in his justice could have written us off, but he didn’t. He promised a redeemer (Christ). Much of the Old Testament is a narrative of how God reaches out and offers friendship to man, but man spurns him many times. This is not unlike a child who rejects his dad’s love and who shows disobedience at every turn. We wouldn’t fault the dad for disciplining the child, even severely, for the youngster’s good. This is kind of what happens in the Old Testament. God, like that dad, is loving, but his children are unruly. God’s reactions seem severe at times, but from his perspective he is trying to discipline his kids.

As to the brutal stories of the destruction of whole towns and peoples: It isn’t 100% clear whether God commands that, or whether Moses or another figure decides to carry out God’s general commands in a brutal way. This distinction is an important one. Moses and other people were a work in progress, and they didn’t decide things based on 21st-century standards of behavior (although news reports would indicate that the standards of this century aren’t always that elevated, either).

God’s highest revelation is in the person of Jesus Christ. It is in Christ that we find out who God is. God is a Trinity. God is love. That has to our criterion for understanding God. Satan had a better understanding of God, yet he rejected him. Which is why Satan’s sin was all the worse. Keep in mind, too, that Satan would do anything to have each of us join him for eternity. A sobering reminder of his evil intentions.

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“Ask a Priest: Should My Boyfriend and I Take Apartments in the Same Building?”

August 4, 2015 / Ask a Priest

Q: I have just graduated college and moved away from home for my first full-time job. My boyfriend of four years has transferred his job to the same area in order for us to stay together. He and I have found separate apartments in the same building. We have respected our Catholic faith in the four years we have been dating. We are planning to get engaged in the next few months, and we will wait until we are married before we have sex. My mother is concerned that our close proximity is too much of a risk for us. I believe the risk would be the same whether he lived in the same building or down the road. I understand we are at risk, which is why we have chosen to get married. I would appreciate any concerns or advice you may be able to share. -T.K.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good that you have a desire to live your Catholic faith in an integral way.

Your question touches on the notion of the near occasion of sin. An occasion of sin can be near (or proximate) or remote, depending on a number of factors.

Jesuit Father John Hardon wrote in his Modern Catholic Dictionary, “There is a positive obligation to avoid a voluntary proximate occasion of sin even though the occasion of evildoing is due only to human weakness.”

The question, then, is whether living in the same building constitutes a near or remote occasion of sin for you and your boyfriend. This is something you and he might want to pray about. True, he could live down the road or across town, and there would still be a chance for an occasion of sin. Occasions of sin always exist in one form or another.

The more immediate and practical questions worth considering might be: If you are in the same building, how much time will you spend together? Will you be dining together every night? How often and how late will you be in his apartment, and he in yours? The answer to those questions could change remote occasions of sin into near occasions, for various reasons. Again, it is a matter that you might want to pray about and discuss.

It is interesting that you write, “I understand we are at risk, which is why we have chosen to get married.” One would hope that you and your friend would enter marriage for positive reasons, and not just to avoid “risk.” That you use the phrase “at risk” seems to imply that there might be a difficulty with chastity. This is understandable, since it is not an uncommon challenge in courtships.

Still, to speak of marriage as a kind of counterweight to risk, and then to consider living in the same building, might be something to pay special attention to. If you think the risk to chastity too high, then special prudence might be in order.

My apologies if I have read too much into your note. That is one of the risks of e-mail.

In the meantime it might be good to intensify the prayer life and sacramental life. A good preparation for marriage is the awareness that spouses are meant to help each other grow in holiness. That awareness ideally shows up before marriage. You might also find the RC Spirituality retreat “Three Hearts ” useful.

Stay close to the Blessed Virgin Mary. She will help you.

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God is Faithful | A Regnum Christi Retreat Guide on Mary's Assumption with Fr. John Bartunek, LC

God Is Faithful: A Retreat Guide on Mary’s Assumption Into Heaven

August 4, 2015 / Retreat Guide

The Blessed Virgin Mary led a life full of suffering. But she never let that suffering obscure her faith in God. She continued to believe in God and God’s promises, even when King Herod tried to kill the baby Jesus, when the Holy Family had to escape to Egypt, and when Jesus was rejected, condemned and crucified in front of her very eyes. She always stayed faithful to God, because she knew that God himself is faithful, trustworthy, even though she didn’t always understand everything he was doing. And at the end of her life, when her mission on earth was finished, her trust in God was abundantly vindicated. God chose to reward her with a very special grace: he assumed her, body and soul, directly into heaven. God was able to show his faithfulness to her in an extraordinary way, giving her through the Assumption the joy of a special participation in Christ’s resurrection, because she had been faithful to him. This mysterious and extraordinary expression of mutual faithfulness can instruct and inspire us, if we give it the chance. And that’s exactly what this Retreat Guide, God Is Faithful: A Retreat Guide on Mary’s Assumption into Heaven, will try to do.

The first meditation will reflect on how Mary’s faithfulness can help guide our own Christian lives.
The second meditation will explore how Mary’s special experience of God’s faithfulness in her Assumption foreshadows the future experience of the whole Church.
And in the conference, we will reflect on how great Christian art—so much of which has been inspired by the Blessed Virgin Mary—can feed our souls.

To begin, let’s quiet our souls and turn our attention to the Lord who filled Mary with grace, and let’s ask him to do the same for us, so that we too can experience, more fully than ever that, “God is faithful” (1 Corinthians 1:9).

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“Ask a Priest: Is Pole Vaulting Too Dangerous a Sport?”

July 31, 2015 / Ask a Priest

Q: Would it be a sin to play a potentially dangerous sport? I am thinking about pole vaulting in the spring, but after researching it, the sport seems somewhat dangerous. Just the same, the pole vaulting coach at my high school is very careful, and it seems like he takes many precautions to assure the safety of those on the team. -C.W.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good that you are concerned about the relatively safety of a sport. The Catechism in No. 2288 says, “Life and physical health are precious gifts entrusted to us by God. We must take reasonable care of them, taking into account the needs of others and the common good.”

Now, there is no hard-and-fast rule about whether to engage in pole vaulting. Life often involves a trade-off of risks and benefits. In this case the trade-off is between safety and the benefits to be gained by, say, the physical conditioning, personal discipline, and team camaraderie that might be demanded or cultivated by the sport.

Perhaps, too, there is the chance of a scholarship connected with this sport. Or maybe it would give you a (relatively) healthy outlet for energy.

On the other side, you might see what research shows – whether this is a sport with a lot of serious injuries, for instance. You might also consider how your decision would affect others. For instance, is your family depending on you for support for younger siblings or aging relatives? Your decision could have a ripple effect, in other words.

These are all factors to consider. You might try doing your research, drawing up a list of pros and cons, and take all this to prayer. And see where the Holy Spirit is guiding you. Then, make a tentative decision, and pray on that choice for a few days. If your original decision seems to leave you at peace, then proceed as you will. I hope this helps.

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“Ask a Priest: What Signs of Affection Are OK When Dating?”

July 28, 2015 / Ask a Priest

Q: I am from a country where we have our parents arrange marriage for us. But some families do allow a girl and boy who fell in love to get married before a marriage was fixed for them. In my country falling in love with more than one person is considered wrong, and this is what Catholics, including priests and nuns, would say too. And even if they all support arranged marriages, some would say that if people love each other, then it is fine that they should get married. I thought of dating as a way to get to know the right person to make him my partner for life. But I see in Europe and North America that it is completely fine for a person to fell in love with one person and then leave that person and again fell in love with an another person. It is wrong and would it be considered cheating if a husband or wife kiss or become romantic with someone else other that their partners? And if dating is trying to get to know the right person, how is it OK to kiss and be romantic with that person? I mean, you don’t know for sure that he or she is the one you will get married to, right? Wouldn’t that also be wrong? Because it is same as cheating, but before marriage. -V.R.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It would be good at the start to define some terms. “Falling in love” and “kissing” and “being romantic” can mean a wide variety of things.

Let me attempt a short answer to the question about kissing and romancing with someone you are dating. It is generally OK for an unmarried couple to show little signs of affection. I say “generally” because there might be some cultures where such displays of affection are frowned on. I wouldn’t want to show any disrespect for local customs that try to guard the chastity of young people.

“Little signs of affection” could include light kisses or hand-holding. Unmarried people should avoid prolonged contact or anything that would bring on strong physical reactions and tempt them into sinful behavior. Here, people need to be sincere and humble and to recognize their own fallen nature. Sins against chastity are among the easy ones to fall into.

Such sins would not be a good preparation for marriage. Intense physical activity can actually disrupt a courtship. It is easy to get too focused on the physical side of a relationship and not make enough attention to other areas, such as basic compatibility and shared beliefs.

It is good to remember that the best marriages are where spouses try to help each other grow in holiness. That process should begin long before they are married. That is why inappropriate signs of affection between a boyfriend and girlfriend can hurt their relationship. It can also hurt them later, after marriage, when spouses at times have to practice abstinence.

People who are not married do not have the same level of commitment as do married spouses. That is why spouses have to follow a higher standard – they simply should not show any signs of sexual affection to anyone other than their spouses.

If by “being romantic” you mean intense physical affection, then that is not permitted between unmarried people. It can easily lead to serious sin.

You mention about people in Europe and North America falling in love with one person, then leaving for another person. I would say, in these cases, that there never really was true love. Real love lasts. What people call “falling in love” might really mean they feel intense emotional and/or physical attachment to someone. Later, when the emotions fade, they get bored and look for someone else. This is not love; this is a case of using another person as an object. On the emotional plane, it could also be called infatuation, or simply experiencing attraction. Even married couples experience this from time to time toward someone who is not their spouse. In those moments, their true love, their commitment to fidelity and their deep respect for their spouse, will help them resist that temptation.

If you date, it is good to set certain boundaries with your boyfriend. These will help you. If he respects the boundaries, then that is a good sign that he has genuine concern for you. The best courtships and marriages always have Christ in the center of the relationship.

In the meantime stay close to Jesus and the Blessed Virgin Mary. Keep up a regular prayer life and sacramental life, and encourage a boyfriend to do the same. That is the best preparation for marriage. For further reading, see Fr. John Bartunek’s article on “Courtship and Engagement“. You might also find Mary Beth Bonacci’s resources interesting. You can learn more about her here . I hope this helps.

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“Ask a Priest: How Can I Cope With an Anti-Catholic Onslaught?”

July 24, 2015 / Ask a Priest

Q: I often find myself falling by the wayside because of the cultural Zeitgeist. I live in London, and the liberal and professional elite are very outspokenly atheist here. Believers are openly mocked in the comments sections of newspapers, and anti-Christian news items are given great prominence. The “real bones” of Jesus who was married and had a son; pedophile priests; sadistic Irish nuns; and supposedly neurotic, mentally feeble religious people — are in the news, day in, day out. Catholicism is often singled out for special attacks, and at work I often find myself defending Catholic positions on abortion or marriage to colleagues who think the positions are oppressive and unjust. Any tips for coping with this onslaught? I really am not strong enough or informed enough to withstand all this, and I often find myself giving up my attempts to pray sincerely, live a Christian life and bring up my sons as Catholics because it is all too difficult. I am tired of being made fun of, and I am more or less on my own (my husband has been an agnostic for some 15 years). I know this experience is common to many, and I just wondered what you tell people with similar issues. I don’t feel our local priest can help me, partly because he is very old (70s) and partly because the only time he sees parishioners is a couple of hours on a Saturday, which means I can’t ever go and speak to him without taking the children along too. -S.C.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I am sorry to hear about the atmosphere in which you live. Certainly we are facing an age where attacks on Christianity, and Catholicism in particular, are becoming something of a national sport.

Our Lord himself warned his followers that discipleship would bring difficulties. “If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you” (John 15:20). Yet he also promised, “I am with you always, until the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20).

We could assume, then, that Jesus will give us the means we need to persevere in the faith. Perhaps a few steps would be helpful.

First, guard your own faith well. Make time for prayer every day. Frequent the sacraments as much as possible. Take advantage of online resources, such as the monthly retreats. Or look to make a live retreat occasionally, even if only a two- or three-day event. Also helpful for prayer is The Better Part, which is available in book, e-book or app.

Second, go deeper in your understanding of the faith. Here it would help to draw up a good list of reading. Father John Hardon’s The Catholic Lifetime Reading Plan might be a good point of reference. You could also browse Catholic publishers such as Ignatius Press, Our Sunday Visitor, Ascension Press, Sophia Institute and TAN. A subscription to Magnificat might help you get more out of the liturgical cycle. And try to keep up with what the Pope is saying and doing (you might consider a subscription to Zenit.

Third, try to network with other faithful Catholics. Having even a small circle of Catholic friends can do wonders for morale. You won’t feel so alone in the world.

Fourth, and this is connected with the third suggestion above, look to do some kind of apostolate. Help out at a soup kitchen or pro-life agency. Or visit shut-ins. If there isn’t something available, think about starting something. Perhaps your pastor could give you an idea. The idea here is to reach out to people. Bring them the Gospel through your charity. It will give you something positive to focus on, and your example can help to strengthen others in the faith or attract others to the faith.

Fifth, be careful about the media you allow into your home. Secular media can wear you down if you let them. You might do well not to take them too seriously. Their perspective on things can ring a bit hollow at times. A case in point is the positive impact of Pope Benedict XVI’s visit to the United Kingdom in 2010, despite the dire predictions of media naysayers.

Sixth, learn to see discouragement as something coming from the devil. Don’t give in to him! St. Paul’s words are worth recalling: “Put on the armor of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil” (Ephesians 6:11). The online retreat on “A Cure for Discouragement” might be particularly helpful.

I hope some of this helps. Count on being included in one of my Mass intentions.

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“Ask a Priest: Can Sins Be Forgiven in the Absence of Confession?”

“Ask a Priest: How Does a Priest Know What He Believes Is True?”

“Ask a Priest: What Makes Satan so Evil?”

God Is Faithful: A Retreat Guide on Mary’s Assumption Into Heaven

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“Ask a Priest: Is Pole Vaulting Too Dangerous a Sport?”

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