Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What to Do About Noisy Kids at Mass?”

Q: I attend church regularly as much as I can. I believe the sacrifice of the Mass is the most beautiful gift given to us because of the body and blood of Christ. I am very dismayed at the amount of disrespect showed during the Mass today by young parents. We have a cry room, yet parents choose to bring their children into the congregation, believing that you are not Christian if you speak up about the disruptive behavior of their children. Now, I do not mind the sounds of laughter from babies. I do take issue with parents who allow their children to play and make noises during the Mass and especially during the consecration. A prime example is that of a grandmother who brought two young boys to Mass, and after the first reading a woman in her late 30s joined them with three other children. The entire time, the children were making noises and playing with their toy cars, hair dryers and much more. The mother joined in by braiding the hair of her daughter’s doll during the celebration of the Eucharist. I just wanted to cry. It was such a fiasco. After Mass I went up and nicely asked if the women knew we had room for young people in the back of the church. They said they did and showed disgust that I should even ask. I am so upset because I want to pay reverence to God and now I am the bad guy. Is it really wrong for me to address this behavior? I do believe it is turning people away because [the children] have such bad boundaries. Why don’t more priests speak up about this? If they lose parishioners, then so be it. -M.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good to hear of your great love for the Mass and for the Eucharist. It is the highest form of prayer in the Church and certainly deserves to be celebrated in an atmosphere of reverence. Part of the beauty of the Mass is that all the faithful are called to participate in it.

It sounds as if you have tried to broach the topic discreetly with folks, but to no avail. To press the issue might cause further bad blood. So what should you do?

First, you could see it as an opportunity to go the extra distance in patience. Raising children in today’s culture is not easy, and parents need all the support they can get, especially from their parish.

Second, it is good to realize that the average pastor is already swamped with problems (including complaints from church custodians who have to clean up Cheerios and other food left behind in pews) and is probably grateful for the people who do show up at Mass. He might not want to risk alienating young families by singling out them on the account of noisy kids.

Still, you could try approaching the pastor and sharing your concerns. If you know him well, that would be good. If you don’t know him well, maybe you could wait for a moment when you could first help him with something in the parish. It is easier to approach someone when he is already aware of your good intentions and contributions to the parish community. Perhaps you could suggest some compromises; perhaps parents could be encouraged to at least avoid talking with their kids during the consecration. Or have them keep the toys to a minimum. Once you raise the issue with the priest, leave it in his hands.

If that doesn’t solve the problem, then perhaps you might consider attending Mass at different times (when there are fewer children around) or even at another parish. That second option is a more radical solution, and not an easy one for many people. The idea here is to attend Masses that will actually help you grow in your spiritual life and not distract you to the point of frustration.

In the meantime, though, look to help out at your parish as much as possible. This helps to build community.

For more reading on this issue, see Patrick Madrid’s posting here and Greg Popcak’s here. I hope some of this helps.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What If I Pine for an Ex-boyfriend?”

Q: I was in a one-year-and-nine-month relationship. We broke up, and I went straight into another relationship. This relationship has been going on for three months. In the first relationship I felt love, but we had our differences. In this new relationship we have little to no differences, but I don’t feel love. He loves me, but I don’t love him as much back. I would like to know what I should do. Should I wait it out and see if I feel love? Or should I become single and see if it would work out with the first guy? -A.H.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is hard to offer advice, since there are few details to go on. But perhaps a few observations could be helpful.

In any relationship it can be helpful for a young woman to ask herself two questions:

1) Could you be happy with X for the rest of your life if he doesn’t change much? Could you be happy with this man, as he is, for the next five, 10, 40, 50 years? This is a key question, since more than a few women have mistakenly believed they could “change” a man after marriage.

2) Could you see X as the father of your children? Would you want your children to have the same values as X? Of course, children are unique and have their own personalities, but dad can impact them profoundly.

Another question might help too. What do you mean by “love”? Real love involves self-giving, sacrifice — in a word, the cross. Love is not feelings. Counselors who work a lot with married couples say that the romantic feelings that newlyweds experience will last, at best, two years. And sometimes those feelings fade a lot faster. This is not to say a spouse married the wrong person. Rather, it’s just that solid marriages require hard work and selflessness — they aren’t built on feelings, which can be all too ephemeral.

You might want to be careful to avoid playing one person off another. Judging by the timing, it seems that this second relationship was a kind of reaction to the breakup of the first. Now you ask whether you should leave the second relationship in order to salvage the first. Here, you want to be careful not to play around with the sensitivities of your second friend, especially since he has expressed love for you.

Perhaps it would be good to focus more on the most important man of your life: Jesus. You might do well to intensify your prayer life and sacramental life, and to ask the Holy Spirit for guidance. (For ideas on prayer, see the vocation.com offerings.) Possibly a retreat would be helpful too, with guidance from a spiritual director (you might look at the retreats available here). Ultimately the best relationships are the ones with Christ in the middle.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Did Jesus Only Release the Just Souls After His Death?”

Q: When Jesus died, he went to “the place of the dead to release the just.” Were there “unjust” in the place of the dead at the time of the Crucifixion? Did Jesus only release the just? And if so, what happened to them? Did they then go to purgatory? Also, did purgatory begin after the Crucifixion? Did purgatory begin when hell began? Thank you for your answers. -D.F.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: When Jesus “descended into hell” (as the Apostles’ Creed says) he went to the abode of the dead, to release the just souls who needed him to open the gates of heaven for them. This abode could be thought of as a kind of purgatory. The unjust were those already suffering eternal damnation. Jesus did not release them.

The Catechism in No. 633 says, “Scripture calls the abode of the dead, to which the dead Christ went down, ‘hell’ — Sheol in Hebrew or Hades in Greek — because those who are there are deprived of the vision of God. Such is the case for all the dead, whether evil or righteous, while they await the Redeemer: which does not mean that their lot is identical, as Jesus shows through the parable of the poor man Lazarus who was received into ‘Abraham’s bosom’: ‘It is precisely these holy souls, who awaited their Savior in Abraham’s bosom, whom Christ the Lord delivered when he descended into hell.’ Jesus did not descend into hell to deliver the damned, nor to destroy the hell of damnation, but to free the just who had gone before him.”

As to what happened, and when, to all the just is hard to say. Some of the just could have entered heaven immediately. Whether others lingered longer, in a purgatorial state, is harder to tell. Suffice it to say that all of the just souls eventually get to heaven. Certainly the unjust remained in hell, the state of eternal damnation.

Some scholars apparently hold that the Sheol or Gehenna of the Old Testament could be equated with purgatory in the New Testament. The problem is that terms are sometimes a bit vague, with different connotations, in the Old Testament.

It seems reasonable to think that souls from the Old Testament who were basically just but who had flaws would have suffered something after death and before the opening of the gates of heaven. In that sense, purgatory could be akin to the Sheol of the Old Testament. So purgatory wasn’t a totally new phenomenon after the Crucifixion. (For more reading see the EWTN piece.)

In the Old Testament we see evidence for the belief in what we call purgatory. 2 Maccabees 12:43-46 says: “He then took up a collection among all his soldiers, amounting to two thousand silver drachmas, which he sent to Jerusalem to provide for an expiatory sacrifice. In doing this he acted in a very excellent and noble way, inasmuch as he had the resurrection in mind; for if he were not expecting the fallen to rise again, it would have been superfluous and foolish to pray for the dead. But if he did this with a view to the splendid reward that awaits those who had gone to rest in godliness, it was a holy and pious thought. Thus he made atonement for the dead that they might be absolved from their sin.”

This need for offering sacrifice and making atonement for the dead would support the idea that the souls were suffering something and somehow needed the prayers and intercession of the living to help them.

Though Judaism has not included the books of Maccabees in its canon of Scripture, some Jews have embraced a belief in a process of purification after death (see this article).

Did purgatory begin when hell began? This is an intriguing question, because the things of the spirit world are outside of time as we know it.

Nevertheless, it seems as if some of the angels fell first, among them the one we now call Satan. He, in turn, tried to turn men away from God. If we accept that sequence of events, then it seems reasonable to say hell existed first, since it was the punishment of the fallen angels.

Purgatory, or Sheol, or Gehenna — however we want to label the abode of the just who can’t enter heaven yet — would have started with the death of the first humans.

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From Sorrow to Joy | A Regnum Christi Retreat Guide on Confession with Fr. John Bartunek, LC

From Sorrow to Joy: A Retreat Guide on the Sacrament of Confession

When the devil tempted Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, he directly contradicted something that God had told them. God had told them that eating the forbidden fruit would cause them to die. But the devil says to them, “You certainly will not die!” Adam and Eve believe him, and they eat the forbidden fruit and… Well, they didn’t die. They lived on for a long time, becoming the first parents of the human race.

So, was God lying? Of course not. Physical death did enter the human family with original sin, even though Adam and Eve didn’t die right away.

But biblical scholars point out that another kind of death did in fact happen right away: spiritual death. To live in communion with God is to be on the path of full, meaningful, everlasting life. To live separated from God— and that’s what sin does, it opens the door of separation from God—is to be cut off from the source of all life, joy and goodness. It’s a spiritual death.

Jesus, through his passion, death, and resurrection, went through that door himself, not because he sinned but because he loved sinners and wanted to come and save them. And then he opened another door, the door of mercy, which rescues sinners (and we are all sinners) from spiritual death and its many sorrows, if only we are humble enough to walk through it.

The easiest way to do that is to make good use of the sacrament of mercy, confession, and that’s what this Retreat Guide, From Sorrow to Joy, will explore.

  • The first meditation will explore what this sacrament reveals to us about God himself.
  • The second meditation will call to mind some extraordinary ways that God has revealed the beauty and the power of this sacrament.
  • And the conference will identify some common obstacles that keep us from getting the most we can out of confession.

Let’s begin by silently turning our attention to God, the Father of mercy, and asking him for all the graces we need, most especially the grace to renew our appreciation for this sacrament, which has the power to turn death into life and sorrow into joy.

Video

Audio

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What to Do About a Lukewarm Catholic?”

Q: I have a sister who is a cradle Catholic like myself. I have reverted back to the Church after being away for some time. However, I love my Catholic faith and go to Mass and Communion every day. I love praying the rosary and chaplet of Divine Mercy. I go to confession every week or two weeks. I still have a problem with sin; however, I love Jesus and the Blessed Virgin. With that said, my sister, who is married to a cradle Catholic (who doesn’t practice his faith), goes to Mass with me on Sunday. I got her to go to confession and communion last year, and she goes to Mass with me every Sunday. I feel though that she is lukewarm or slipping. One time she told me she had used God’s name and vain, and that it was all right for her to go to communion. I gave her one of those looks and got her to go to confession the following week and not to go to communion that day. My main question is, how do I keep her from falling away from church and into missing Sunday Mass? Because of the influence of her husband, she takes missing Mass lightly. I am afraid of her falling into mortal sin and not caring. I have to watch what and how I talk to her because she is prideful and stubborn. Do you have any suggestions? I already include her and other people in my daily rosaries. I explain to her about how the Mass is Jesus on the cross at Calvary, and she feigns interest. I don’t know what to do. -J.D.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good to hear that you are trying to help your sister live the faith.

Faith is a gift, and some people have it in more abundance, others less so. It isn’t something we can force on people. I know you have your sister’s best interests at heart. But it’s good to recognize that your sister is on her own journey, and there is only so far anyone can coax her.

That said, it is good that you pray for your sister. Keep looking for the opportunities for the both of you to go to Mass and even confession.

What might help your sister go deeper in her faith is for her to get involved in some kind of apostolate — that is, volunteer work that promotes or involves the faith somehow. This could be anything from visiting shut-ins to helping out pro-life crisis pregnancy centers to parish work to raising money for the missions.

The idea is that, if your sister gets more involved in the work of the Church, she might feel more attached to the faith. It would also help her meet other lay faithful. The more she sees other people who live their faith deeply, the more it might help her live her own faith. This might help her more than any well-intentioned finger-wagging.

One clarification if I may: Taking God’s name in vain, though an offense against the Almighty to be avoided, is not necessarily a mortal sin. It could be a venial sin, especially if someone uses Our Lord’s name in vain thoughtlessly (out of habit, for instance). Thus it might not be a reason for refraining from communion.

Beyond that, you might want to continue to go deeper into your own knowledge of the faith. Listen to your sister closely. What are her views about things? How does she think? This might help you to focus on what you need to study in the Catholic faith in order to give her direction.

In matters of faith, it will help to try to meet your sister where she is. Explaining the relation between the Mass and Calvary might be over her head right now. Maybe what she really needs (and what she could understand) would be insights into why the Church teaches what it teaches in some other area, such as social issues.

Above all, keep looking for ways to show her and her husband your love. That will help to open hearts and minds to the working of the Holy Spirit, the real agent of conversion.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Isn’t It Perverse to Create a Person, Knowing He Will Be Damned?”

Q: How far back does God’s foreknowledge of someone’s damnation go? Does he know that someone will be condemned before he creates him? I mean, if God knows that a person will be damned before he creates him, why does he create him at all? Wouldn’t it be perverse to create a person, knowing that he will be damned? If God knows that we will be saved or damned before he creates us, and he still creates us, wouldn’t that be predestination? How do I reconcile God’s foreknowledge with human freedom? With the power of prayer? Could you give me any references that I could read to better understand this issue? Thank you very much and God bless. -F.A.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Some of your questions touch on matters that have generated lots of theological debates over the centuries. Obviously I won’t be able to resolve the issue here, but perhaps a few observations and replies will help.

God sees and knows everything — past, present and future — since he is outside of time. Even before he created the physical world around us, he already knew where everyone would end up. So, yes, God knows whether a soul will end up in hell even before he creates the soul.

Here it is good to recall what condemnation and hell are about. We shouldn’t think of hell as some kind of superheated furnace into which God flings souls who have stepped out of line and who didn’t repent before death.

Rather, think of it like this: God, who is infinitely good, infinitely merciful, infinitely loving, wants to share his love with creatures made in his image and likeness (see Genesis 1:26). He creates them out of nothing and gives them free will. He makes them free because he wants them to freely love him. After all, love requires freedom. God could have made us like robots. But can a robot love?

Now, some people use their free will to love God, others don’t. Some people use their free will to offend and reject God. If they die in that state, they in effect live with the eternal consequences of their decision. If they didn’t want God, well, they will have to live with that decision forever. That is what hell is. It is not something imposed by God as much as it is something chosen freely by people.

If anything is perverse in all this, it is the decision by souls to reject God. That God created us in the first place is a marvelous sign of his greatness. That some of us reject this loving God is a sign of how badly we can use freedom.

God’s knowledge that a soul will end up in hell shows his omniscience, not his malevolence. An analogy might help here.

Imagine that you give your neighbor a bottle of his favorite wine as a gift on his birthday. Now, imagine that a few minutes later you see your neighbor toss the bottle of wine out his third-story attic window. You know that within a second or two the bottle will shatter when it hits the cement sidewalk below. And, lo and behold, the bottle shatters and the wine is lost. Did your “foreknowledge” cause the bottle to break? No. Are you perverse because you gave him the bottle of wine in the first place? No.

Or take a more personal example. Let’s say a man and woman marry, with the hopes of starting a family. Lo and behold, their first baby arrives a year later. Will this baby grow up and someday sin? Probably. Now, sin is offensive to God. So why did this couple ever marry and have a baby? Are they “perverse” because they wanted to bring children into the world, children who someday will likely sin and offend God?

Of course, we wouldn’t consider such a couple perverse. Rather, we think of them as a very healthy couple who want to share their love with their own children. Let’s say that the parents raise the children as best they can. If the kids grow up and sin and misuse their free will, will that be the parents’ fault? No, the onus is on the kids. What the parents did was honorable, beautiful. What the wayward kids do is foolish, a misuse of freedom. It’s similar with God who creates us. Our being created reflects his greatness; our sinning shows our bad decisions.

It sounds odd, but even souls in hell reflect the goodness of God. Their very existence as souls shows the miraculous creative power of God. And the fact that such souls are barred from God’s presence is a sign of his infinite holiness; the souls who sinned grievously cannot mar the beauty of God, they cannot disturb the happiness of heaven.

Now, what about predestination? It is good to recall what predestination doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean that God decided ahead of time who was going to be saved and who was going to be lost. God’s ideal plan is for everyone to be saved. Indeed, he “wills everyone to be saved and to come to knowledge of the truth” (1 Timothy 2:4).

The Catechism in No. 600 says: “To God, all moments of time are present in their immediacy. When therefore he establishes his eternal plan of ‘predestination,’ he includes in it each person’s free response to his grace: ‘In this city, in fact, both Herod and Pontius Pilate, with the Gentiles and the peoples of Israel, gathered together against your holy servant Jesus, whom you anointed, to do whatever your hand and your plan had predestined to take place.’ For the sake of accomplishing his plan of salvation, God permitted the acts that flowed from their blindness.”

The idea is that somehow God has already factored in people’s free choices when looking at the sweep of history. This raises even more questions, I know. Here, we are up against the mystery of how God works in history. That kind of topic has inspired whole libraries to be written. (For more reading see this article.)

And what about reconciling God’s foreknowledge with human freedom? And with the power of prayer?

Again, just because God knows something in advance doesn’t mean that he directly causes it. God foresaw 9/11, but his foreknowledge didn’t take away the free will that the attackers used that day for such horrific ends.

Also, God foresees our freely offered prayers and acts of repentance, and has already factored them into his own response. For more reading on this topic you might look at the Catholic Encyclopedia entry or the Catholic Answers piece.

I will be the first to admit that this answer can’t explain fully the connection between God’s providence and foreknowledge and man’s free will. Getting to heaven is a grace of God. We can’t get there on our own. Yet, some of us will, and apparently some of us won’t. That is a mystery in itself.

We can be sure of one thing, though. God loves us and wants for all of us to be saved. Yet he seems to respect our free will enough to allow some souls to be lost. That is a bit scary. That should keep us praying for the grace of final perseverance.

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!