Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Is Divorce and Remarriage Considered Worse Than Murder?”

Q: I am 76 years old and have been “remarried” for the past 15 years after having divorced. It’s my understanding after having researched this subject on Catholic websites, that absolution after confession appears to be granted and available to all Catholics, including murderers, but not for divorced Catholics. So, if true, this tells me that my “sin” of divorce is more serious in the eyes of the Catholic Church than the sin of murder. It seems that a murderer on his/her way to their execution can simply go to confession, confess their sin, receive absolution, then proceed to receive Holy Communion. The Church will forgive a murderer, but a divorced Catholic will never be able to partake in all of the Church’s sacraments unless they agree to the ordeal of inquisition by annulment! What do I not understand? Did I not interpret this issue correctly? -A.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Thanks for your note. It might be good to focus on two points here. One deals with contrition, the other with the nature and dignity of marriage. (Divorce, by the way, is not necessarily a sin in itself.)

For a valid confession, a penitent has to have contrition (sorrow for his sins) and the resolve to make amends (the intention in the here-and-now to avoid sin again).

Thus a murderer can receive absolution if he is contrite and resolved not to sin again. A divorced-and-remarried Catholic who doesn’t have an annulment and who doesn’t want to seek one lacks the proper contrition; the person isn’t ready to make a good confession if he intends to keep on living with and having relations with his partner. The key here is that he doesn’t intend to give up the sin – hence, he can’t be validly absolved.

The point isn’t that the Church considers divorce and remarriage a worse sin than murder. The point is that someone who persists in living in an irregular union does not really have the required contrition for his sin and thus cannot receive absolution. This is not to say that some divorced-and-remarried don’t harbor regrets about their situation. The problem is they aren’t taking the proper steps to fix their situation.

The prohibition against divorce and remarriage comes from the lips of Jesus himself. “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and the one who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery” (Luke 16:18).

What the annulment process involves is the Church investigating and finding that there was a defect in a marriage from the start. The process is not an “inquisition”; rather, it is an attempt to learn the truth of whether both partners met the conditions for entering a valid marriage in the first place.

Many people who have passed through the annulment process have found peace. They are able to bring a chapter of their lives to closure. They can understand better what went wrong. Often it gives them a kind of new lease on life. Perhaps you might want to reconsider pursuing an annulment.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: How About a Mom Who Kicked Her Son Out of Her Life?”

Q: I met a family through church many years ago. Our sons grew up in the church together and were friends for many years. We have very different parenting styles, but we have always loved each other regardless of our differences. My friend’s oldest son, whom I have known for 12 years and whom I love, has recently become lost. He couldn’t seem to find his way. My friend wanted him and his pregnant fiancée to do things the way she wanted, and because he wanted to do things differently he was kicked out. They were staying there to save money for a car and an apartment. He had no car, no phone, no money, no food and no place to go. It was the coldest night of the year and she dropped him off at a storage shed with his pregnant girlfriend and walked out of his life. She told me all of this. I am having a really hard time being around her right now. I think there were so many things that could have been done to help these two young kids — they aren’t on drugs or destructive or anything like that — and instead I feel she abandoned them when they needed her the most. What is really hard for me is it’s like she has just moved on — she went home and cooked a big special dinner to cheer herself up (all I could think about was her son was hungry). She is a pillar in our church and runs a Catholic blog where she writes about helping those in need, giving of yourself, and other topics that I can’t even read anymore because I feel she’s a hypocrite — I hate even typing that word. I hate that I feel this way. I know I am not supposed to judge her. I love my friend and I don’t know how to get past this feeling I have — just disappointed, sad, disheartened. Father, what can I do? I have been praying daily and I cannot seem to shake this feeling in my heart. -J.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: What you describe is a sorry scene. Your feelings about the whole situation are understandable. There is no need, I think, to try “shake this feeling,” but rather to keep bathing it in prayer and using it to motivate yourself to constructive action.

Let’s say at the start that we don’t to fall into the trap of judging your friend. We probably don’t know all the details.

That said, where do we go from here?

First, it would help to pray for your friend as well as for her son and his girlfriend.

Second, you might see if there is anything you can do to help the young man and his girlfriend. Even a small gesture of support might help them — and help them avoid making another kind of mistake. What they need now is a reason for hope.

This pregnancy is by no means the end of the world. All things considered, their unborn child is precious and loved by God, and the couple themselves can bounce back. It’s just that they have a lot of growing up to do, real fast.

Perhaps you can direct them to some kind of structured help. Crisis-pregnancy centers could offer help, for instance.

Third, you might look for a moment to sit down and speak with your friend heart to heart. The fact that she has a Catholic blog, etc., could indicate that she has high ideals and high standards in regard to the faith. Thus she probably feels deeply disappointed by her son. Besides sharing your own impression of the situation, it might be useful to hear a fuller explanation of her own point of view.

Nevertheless, she might be missing the forest for the trees, overlooking the fact that charity is at the heart of the Gospel and that mercy and forgiveness are crucial ingredients in the life of followers of Christ.

Perhaps her break with her son is her way of trying to deal with what she perceives as an overwhelming challenge. She needs to be encouraged to see that this crisis isn’t the end of the world but rather an opportunity for her to show a different level of love for her son.

This isn’t to say that she should take on all the responsibility for her son’s situation. He got himself into this pit; he needs to work to get out of it. Still, your friend needs to think about the long term. Does she really understand the consequences of excluding her son and his girlfriend and her grandchild from her life?

If she doesn’t reach out to him, it might be much harder for him to get back on a good path. How will he learn of God’s mercy if his mom remains so aloft?

Perhaps you could encourage your friend to read the bull of indiction of the Year of Mercy. She might also benefit from our recent retreat guide “Father of Mercies.” Whether these will help change her heart is anyone’s guess. But it’s a start. I hope some of this helps.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Could a Convicted Felon Become a Catholic?”

Q: Could you explain the steps I would need to take to become a Catholic? And would the Catholic Church allow me to become a member if I am a convicted felon? -G.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good to hear that you are interested in entering the Church. Being a convicted felon is no bar to your becoming Catholic. We are all sinners, so we all need Christ’s mercy. He extends that mercy in a particular through the Church and through the sacraments.

To join the Church you would need to be introduced to its teachings and practices.

A good first step would be to contact a Catholic parish and ask about entering an RCIA program. The RCIA is a program that will teach you about the beliefs and practices of the Church.

It would be helpful to find a sponsor, a Catholic who could accompany you on your spiritual journey.

In the meantime you might try reading the Compendium of the Catechism or the U.S. Catholic Catechism for Adults.

Try to make time for prayer each day. Read the Gospels and get to know the person of Jesus Christ; he is the head of the Catholic Church and the reason why any of us is here. I wish you well on your journey.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Should I Attend My Daughter’s Goth Wedding?”

Q: My daughter is a fallen-away Catholic, 25 years old, and she is marrying a non-practicing Christian. At age 15 she full-force chose to be confirmed. She talked to me about how some kids were being confirmed only because their parents wanted them to. I am all for letting them choose to be confirmed or not. She was well-trained in the Catholic faith. Yet, she and her fiancé are marrying with a justice of the peace. I know each situation is different. My daughter has a tendency in that, if I say nothing, I am OK’ing a situation. I plan to talk to her and her fiancé about how my husband, I, and two young kids might decide to attend the wedding, but that I am not giving it a stamp of approval. Still, if I tell her that and then attend the wedding, it might be that in her mind I am OK’ing it in the end. They want my son and daughter to be flower girl and ring bearer. The wedding is going to be Halloween-themed because my daughter likes the Goth look. The music is not going to be traditional at all. They will probably have a lot of heavy metal or grunge music. There will be a lot of black and purple coloring and something like a “Nightmare Before Christmas” type of wedding cake. I will have to explain to my children that this is not how Catholics are supposed to get married and that their big sister had quit being Catholic some time ago. If we decide to go to the justice-of-the-peace wedding, is it best we not participate in it? Should I not have my kids be ring bearer and flower girl, for instance? Thanks so much for any input. -T.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I am sorry to hear about your family situation. Your daughter obviously has made decisions that she probably knows go against the Catholic faith. You can certainly pray for her and for her conversion.

But what about attending the wedding? The Church doesn’t issue hard-and-fast rules in this case. It does, however, offer principles that can guide us.

First, all of us have an obligation to avoid scandalizing others. Two numbers from the Catechism are quote citing here:

No. 2284: Scandal is an attitude or behavior which leads another to do evil. The person who gives scandal becomes his neighbor’s tempter. He damages virtue and integrity; he may even draw his brother into spiritual death. Scandal is a grave offense if by deed or omission another is deliberately led into a grave offense.

No. 2285: Scandal takes on a particular gravity by reason of the authority of those who cause it or the weakness of those who are scandalized. It prompted our Lord to utter this curse: “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened round his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” [end quoted material]

Here you would want to ask specifically: How will your daughter interpret your attendance? You already fear that she will think you really approve of the whole thing.

More importantly, will you scandalize the children, especially by allowing them to participate in the wedding? At their age they won’t be able to distinguish between a valid and invalid marriage. And it is it understandable if they think everything is fine — why else would they be there as flower girl and ring bearer?

Second, we should be willing to give witness to our faith. Your daughter probably expects to have her own opinions and free will respected. Doesn’t her mom have the same rights? In other words, does your daughter have a right to expect you to compromise your beliefs in order to make her feel good?

This might be the moment when she needs your witness of faith more than ever.

The Goth theme of the wedding indicates that your daughter has some deeper issues to work through. These issues might surface sooner or later, and when they do, she will be grappling for answers. Answers that only the Church can provide.

You might want to take all this to prayer, and see if you are ready to risk scandalizing and confusing the little ones about the wedding. And keep praying for your daughter; she needs your motherly love more than ever. Whatever you decide, having that sincere and calm conversation with her about it beforehand will be very important. She needs to know that you love and respect her, even when you don’t agree with her choices.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: How Can I Help a Non-believing Sibling?”

Q: I come from a family of deeply committed Anglican Christians. My great aunts never missed church and at my request began taking me to Sunday services from time to time as a child. Unfortunately, my mother and father who lead good lives influenced by Christian values never really took a great interest in either mine or my brother’s spiritual development. This didn’t bother me greatly — until around two years ago. Since then I have become increasingly more aware of my beliefs. My feet are itching, and I feel that Christ is making himself known to me in so many ways. I find that I am almost constantly thinking about God, theology, morality, what I can and should be doing for others, and just wanting to learn more about the faith. I am not part of any church, nor was I baptized, which I feel puts me at some disadvantage. My question is about my younger brother, who is 17 and a non-believer. How can I help guide him? I feel that reciting Scripture would make him feel alienated and as if I was being judgmental. Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. -J.C.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is very clear that God is at work in your life. The “itchy feet” are, I surmise, a result of his own pursuit of you. He created you, redeemed you, and has a wonderful dream for your life. You are not indifferent to him. As Francis Thomson wrote, the Lord is like the “Hound of Heaven” who pursues us, out of love, “down the nights and down the days.” I hope you keep seeking to respond to all that he is doing in your life.

As regards your specific question, there is an old expression, “You can’t give what you don’t have.” What that means in practice is that, in order to give your non-believing brother something about Christianity, you need to have a grasp of it yourself.

Jesus Christ is the full revelation of God to man. That is why Christianity has a lot of the answers to the questions that unsettle the human heart. The gateway into Christianity is through baptism.

You might want to work on your own spiritual life first, and in the meantime pray for your brother and continue to be for him what you believe a big brother should be. This means building a relationship with God. This is the same as building a relationship with Jesus, the Son of God who took on human nature and suffered and died for us.

So you want to get to know Jesus better. One way is through the Gospels. Another would be to spend time in front of the Blessed Sacrament in a Catholic church. The Blessed Sacrament (also called the Eucharist) is Christ truly present.

You might consider doing a few of the online retreats at RCSpiritualty.org. Further suggestions include making time for prayer each day. The Better Part, by my colleague Father John Bartunek, is a good book to help you learn to pray.

Moreover, you might try looking at the Catechism of the Catholic Church or its Compendium. These give excellent overviews of all the important facets of the Catholic faith.

At some point, you might want to consider asking for baptism. In the Catholic Church that would normally come for adults after the RCIA program.

Take some of these steps, and the Holy Spirit will guide you. Then you might find that you have more to offer your brother.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Is It a Sin to Watch Episodes of “Columbo” and “Bewitched”?”

Q: I’m a convert and my husband has told me that certain TV shows are forbidden by the Church. I watch old classic DVDs. He told me that the Church forbids watching shows like “Columbo,” “Bewitched,” “The Munsters,” some episodes of “Andy Griffith” and “Dark Shadows.” If I’m sinning, I’ll give this up. I just don’t understand how these are sinful compared to the gory, distasteful TV shows in today’s lineup. I don’t sit around watching TV. I work a full-time job, take care of the home, and I’m active in my parish. I just like to watch an old TV show now and then, remembering simpler times. -G.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I don’t recall the Church publishing a list of forbidden TV shows as such. What the Church does teach is a set of principles to guide us. Shows and movies that would expose us to the near occasion of sin (such as risqué material) should be avoided.

Also to be avoided are things that endanger our faith. This can be a more insidious area. “Bewitched,” for instance, was a light sitcom, on the surface. For some viewers, however, it could have acted as a kind of Trojan horse that convinced them that magic and witches — and by extension, the occult — are the stuff of harmless entertainment. While the show might not be a danger to you, a critically thinking adult, it could have an undesirable impact on children.

Rather than try to referee the shows that should be allowed in your home, I would recommend that you and your husband talk through these issues more thoroughly.

It is admirable that your husband wants to guards you and the household from secularizing influences. Perhaps the both of you can come to a compromise (in the best sense of the word) on what will be on the shelves in your home.

It is also good to avoid extremism. It isn’t clear where your husband found that list of forbidden shows. Beware of personal preferences (the Internet is full of them) that masquerade as Church rules. Was “Columbo” really that terrible?

It might be helpful for you and your husband to read Taming the Media Monster and then have an in-depth discussion.

Perhaps this might be an opportunity for you and your spouse to explore other pastimes, such as a good diet of serious reading and walks together, etc. I hope this helps.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What If I Feel My Faith Fading?”

Q: This is probably the fourth letter I have sent to you guys, but to be honest, I just feel like you are the people to turn to sometimes. For nearly a month, it feels a bit like my faith is declining. I think it might be because of how much religion is portrayed negatively on the Internet. But to be honest, I don’t even know anymore if God even listens to me. I have been trying to keep my faith, no matter how hard it seems, but really, I feel like he doesn’t respond to me. I know this might have another meaning or something, but to be honest, I don’t want to keep living this way, since at this point, it now feels like all these ways to calm me down are just excuses to keep me believing in God. I do want to keep my faith no matter what happens, but in the meantime, is there anything else I should know? -C.T.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Faith is a gift that we need to guard and protect, as well as try to nourish through prayer and the sacraments.

You touch on a big problem: the Internet. There are all kinds of wild things on the Internet, which is why we need to be careful about what we expose ourselves to.

It might be good, then, to limit your time on the Internet to good things. The Vatican website is a great treasure of papal and magisterial documents. Lots of other sites, such as Catholic Answers and Discerning Hearts and our own RC Spirituality.org, offer material that helps build the faith.

We live in a very secular age, and that reality won’t change quickly. So we need to be prepared for the long term. This doesn’t mean living in a bunker. Rather, it means looking for ways to help share the faith with others around us. The more we share the faith, the stronger our own faith grows.

If you feel up to it, you can engage people in dialogue on the Internet. But — and this is a big but — you need to prepare yourself well in apologetics. That is where ongoing study of the faith could help (the Catholic Answers site has a lot of good resources).

As for God responding to you, he might be communicating in all kinds of ways. His ways can be very subtle, however, and we can miss the clues.

A few observations might help you. First, one way to gauge the Holy Spirit’s work in you is your life of charity. Are you more sensitive to the needs of those around you? You are growing in patience and mercy? Those are signs that God’s grace is at work in you.

Second, God might be allowing you to go through a dry period. On the positive side, he might be inviting you to have even more faith in him, to persevere in prayer even when you don’t see the fruits of it right away.

On the less positive side, you might be feeling some of the fallout of having exposed yourself too much to the wrong kinds of things on the Internet for too long. Just as ocean waves beating against a rocky cliff will eventually cause part of it to crumble, the nasty things on the Web can weaken our faith and our spirit of Christian optimism. Hence the recommendation to stick to positive things on the Internet.

You might want to look for a good regular confessor or spiritual director who can help you navigate through the rough waters. A three- or four-day retreat might be helpful too. If you can’t get to a live retreat, perhaps the “Cure for Discouragement” online retreat could suffice in the meantime.

Be confident that the Holy Spirit will help you. Stay close to the Blessed Virgin Mary. And keep up the prayer life and sacramental life. Those essentials will serve you well.

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!