Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Why Does It Seem As If Church Teaching Has Changed?”

Q: I have been in a state of involuntary doubt for years. My main problem revolves around the question of the inspiration of the Church, whether the Holy Spirit does, indeed, offer it guidance when formulating teachings. It is not so much present-day teachings that bother me — rather, teachings from the past become large stumbling blocks. For example, my understanding is that the Church used to teach that people who committed suicide simply went to hell. My understanding is also that the Church used to have a negative valuation of sex (following partially from Augustine) incorporated into its teaching. Neither of these teachings is taught today — in fact, the exact opposite is taught. This being the case, it doesn’t seem to me that the Holy Spirit could have been operating at both points in history. In fact, it simply seems that many people simply followed the Church into error. At the end of the day, I cannot at present go out into public in good conscience and state that I am Catholic, because to say so would be to give explicit assent to the notion that the Church receives such eternal guidance in faith and morals. The historical evidence does not seem to support that viewpoint. I would appreciate any thoughts you can provide on this issue. –M.L.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It’s good to make a few distinctions here.

First, I don’t think the Church ever taught that this person or that person ended up lost. It doesn’t even teach anything definitive about the fate of Judas.

The Church did, however, hold in early times (and still holds) that suicide is objectively a grave fault against the Fifth Commandment. To underline that teaching, in earlier times it even denied funeral Masses for such unfortunate people.

I emphasize that word “objectively.” In recent times, with the advance of psychology, we understand that people who commit suicide are often not totally in control mentally. Hence, subjectively their culpability might be lessened, if not eliminated. That is why the Church now allows funeral Masses in the case of suicides. It is not that the Church’s core teaching has changed — suicide remains objectively a grave error — but rather its pastoral application and the way it understands how suicides can stem from severe emotional or mental problems.

As far as the “negative valuation” of sex is concerned, you would need to cite something specific in a papal or conciliar document. It is one thing for the Church to be perceived as being negative about sex; it is another to point out a specific text that says the Church disdains sex.

There might have been a general downplaying of sex — it can, after all, be an extremely destruction of power if misused — which is understandable in cultures where the stability and dignity of family life was highly valued. The Church has always understood that procreation is a big part of the intent of marriage — and you can’t have babies without sex, obviously. And the Church, unlike any other group, has always revered marriage as a sacrament, an objective window of supernatural grace in the natural world. That seems to me to be a very positive view.

Early ages were probably more sensitive to the many deviations and misuses of sex that could trouble mankind. Many people in the Church reflected such thinking. Even prominent theologians sometimes emphasized marital intimacy as a “cure for concupiscence.” Their view, however, was not synonymous with Church doctrine. Theologians, even great theologians, espouse ideas that later are rejected. Augustine, for instance, believed that unbaptized babies were lost, yet the Church never officially accepted that view.

But even a possibly negative emphasis on sex in ages past doesn’t undercut the Church’s core teachings about marriage and sex. In recent times, of course, the theology of the body has gone deeper into the theological meaning of marital intimacy. But this doesn’t alter the core truths perennially taught by the Church.

So it might be good to distinguish between what is held by some theologians or groups within the Church, and what the Church officially teaches as doctrine.

Contrary to popular myth, the Church has a long history of encouraging debate and allowing theologians and philosophers and others to float a wide variety of ideas. Some of those ideas stand the test of time and eventually are incorporated into official teaching. Other ideas might take hold at a popular level, yet never be officially accepted by the Church.

I could only encourage you to study more deeply the teachings of the Church, beginning with the Catechism and the documents of Vatican II. I think you will see the underlying continuity of official doctrine.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Is Mercy About Ignoring Sin?”

Q: What is mercy? I have heard so much of the word “mercy” since the Jubilee Year of Mercy began. I do not hear often about repentance and its connection with mercy. Is it about living in a state of sin without repentance and receiving pardon and mercy from God and his Church? Is it about setting aside the teachings of Christ in expediency of a particular sinful situation? Is it forgiveness, compassion, overlooking sins, leniency, kindness, not judging, not being legalistic and rigid about faith and morals, no absolute moral norms, no sin in the world, no guilt, no naming, non-mentioning and non-labeling of sin, no admonishing of the sinner, broad-mindedness, etc.? What is mercy and what calls for mercy? –W.A.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: You raise a lot of good questions, and a complete answer would fill a small book. Perhaps a few points will suffice here.

Let’s start with a quick definition of mercy from the glossary of the Catechism. Mercy is the “loving kindness, compassion, or forbearance shown to one who offends.” What is interesting is that it doesn’t mention the offender showing any signs of repentance. Is that fair? Does that mean mercy implies “anything goes”?

The short answer is: no. Mercy doesn’t imply that sin is OK. It doesn’t mean setting aside Church teaching. Nor does it imply that people who continue to sin are off the hook. For God is merciful, but he is also just. Mercy is the fullness of justice, but it doesn’t negate justice.

But maybe that is getting into the abstract. Perhaps a better way to explain mercy is to look at two manifestations of it: God’s mercy, and our mercy to one another.

God’s mercy means that he is always ready to forgive someone who repents. God has lots of patience in this area. He doesn’t send down thunderbolts on us when we step out of line. Rather, he is like the father in the parable of the prodigal son who longs for the day when his errant offspring returns home repentant.

The thing is, people need to be reminded of God’s mercy. Many people stay away from the Church or the confessional because they think they are already lost, that they are beyond redemption. That isn’t true. They have access to God’s mercy if they are repentant. This is a big motivation for the Year of Mercy: to remind folks of God’s willingness to embrace them and welcome them back. Perhaps the emphasis on mercy has somewhat dimmed the spotlight that used to shine brightly on sin.

Nevertheless, God isn’t indifferent to sin. Sin led to the death of his Son on a cross.

Souls who seek mercy need to have repentance and some kind of resolve to leave behind their sinful ways. There is no fooling around here. All of us will be called to strict account at our particular judgment at the moment of death. Even forgiven sins might still carry a debt of temporal punishment that would require a stint in purgatory.

As for the mercy that we are called to show, ideally we should be willing to extend mercy to anyone, for the simple fact that God has been merciful to us.

This mercy doesn’t imply that we have to be indifferent to justice. Nor does mercy imply that we have to condone evil. We are called to love the sinner but hate the sin. We can hate abortion but be merciful and try to help a woman who has had one.

Another factor here is that we need not wait for someone to ask us forgiveness. We can forgive someone, not in the sense that God forgives someone (we can’t absolve as the Almighty can) but in the sense that we decide to let go of anger or resentment toward someone and wish the best for the person.

Mercy, too, can involve reaching out and helping people who simply have made messes of their lives. Perhaps they haven’t offended us personally, but they are nevertheless souls who seem to have made bad choices. They are stuck in the mud, and they need someone to help pull them out.

None of this demands indifference to objectively sinful behavior. We won’t show mercy by insinuating that someone’s drug addiction or promiscuous lifestyle is OK. Rather, we try to help them, either by aid or example or coaxing or prayer, all the while steering them away from the bad behavior.

There is a wide range of responses to someone’s faults. We can come down hard on the person and use condemnatory language, or we can be gentle and patient and try to encourage them in the right direction. That second approach is what the Year of Mercy is about.

(For more reading see this article.) You also might enjoy our series of free Retreat Guides on mercy: “Father of Mercies,” “Dawn of Mercy,” “Messenger of Mercy,” and “Miracles of Mercy”.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What If Relatives Don’t Want to Attend Our Non-Catholic Wedding?”

Q: My fiancé and I are non-denominational Christians and are getting married in our church. Our families, however, are devout Catholics and are very uncomfortable with this. They do not think that a marriage such as ours will be considered valid or sacramental in the eyes of the Catholic Church. My fiancé’s parents and many other family members are threatening to not even attend our wedding because of this. What can we do in this situation to make everyone happy? –N.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is admirable that you would like to make everyone happy. It won’t be easy in this case, however.

First off, it is good to remember that the Church sees marriage as a sacrament and thus something that brings a grace that can help the spouses grow in holiness. As such, the Church takes its responsibility very seriously to prepare its members well for marriage. That is why marriages involving Catholics ultimately need the approval of a bishop (usually relayed through a pastor).

Now, I can only surmise that you and your fiancé were baptized as Catholics — hence the opposition of your families to your marrying outside of the Catholic Church.

Permit me to give the canonical (legal) point of view here. Anyone baptized in the Church is considered to be under Church law. Thus, you and your fiancé, in order for the Church to recognize the marriage, would need to marry with Church approval.

Your relatives, as Catholics, understand that your marriage is not considered valid and sacramental in the eyes of the Church. Hence their unwillingness to attend the ceremony.

Now, permit me to give a pastoral take on the situation. You and your fiancé have chosen, for various reasons perhaps, not to practice your Catholic faith. You are content to have a wedding in a non-denominational setting. You are exercising your religious freedom. God alone knows your hearts.

Your relatives, too, are exercising their freedom, by trying to follow their Catholic beliefs, which include certain beliefs about marriage. The thing is, there is no clear way to reconcile your beliefs and theirs right now. The situation is at a standoff.

I’m sure they love you and your fiancé very much, which is one reason why they don’t want to compromise their faith. They want to witness to their beliefs, in part for your sake, even if it means not attending your wedding. (The Church, by the way, doesn’t issue hard-and-fast rules for attendance at this kind of ceremony.)

In a sense, you and your fiancé are simply experiencing a consequence of your own decision not to practice the Catholic faith. You have decided, for now at least, to travel a path different from your families’ path. It is just the way it is.

So what could you do? Perhaps you can take all this to prayer and see where the Holy Spirit is leading you. From what you describe, it seems unlikely that your families want to compromise their position. That is a decision that is to be respected.

They likely did not make this decision lightly. It might be as difficult a moment for them as it is for you. Perhaps they are concerned that everyone reaches heaven, and hence they fear that their presence at a wedding not approved by the Church would send the wrong signal.

Again, you and your fiancé might want to take all this to prayer. Perhaps this is a moment to examine why the Church teaches what it does about marriage. This website might help. You also might want to watch together our free Retreat Guide on marriage, “Three Hearts”.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: When Does Eating Become Gluttony?”

Q: When does eating become gluttony? Is it OK to slightly overeat? Say you want the last piece of meat, although you don’t really need it. It is not as though you would be sick if you ate it. Also, is eating dessert OK since it is not necessary for you? –D.L.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: The simplest criterion is to say that we start to slip into gluttony when we eat more than we really need to eat.

I say “start to” because there isn’t a hard-and-fast line involved. Each person is unique, each metabolism is unique. Some people go long periods between meals and thus might be justified to load up as many calories as possible. And there might also be times when an extra bite could be justified if the alternative is to waste something — for instance, at a picnic where cooked meat can’t be easily and safely stored.

Gluttony is a disordered use of food and of the pleasure that eating and drinking gives us. The pleasure itself is part of God’s plan. He made food to taste good. He gave us taste buds. It is no sin to enjoy food, to prepare good food, to have a cake at a birthday party, etc. The point is when we become unreasonable in our pursuit of this pleasure. This leads to a disordered attachment, damage to our health, and spiritual damage too.

Perhaps you are asking the question because you sense that you might be crossing or being tempted to cross the line into gluttony. That might be a reason to pause and see if the Holy Spirit is calling you to a greater spirit of sacrifice.

Forgoing a little food at each meal is a nice way to practice self-discipline and to show solidarity with the poor of the world. It can certainly discipline us to better stand up to other (and worse) temptations of the flesh.

The Catechism briefly puts the danger of gluttony in context. No. 1866 says:

Vices can be classified according to the virtues they oppose, or also be linked to the capital sins which Christian experience has distinguished, following St. John Cassian and St. Gregory the Great. They are called “capital” because they engender other sins, other vices. They are pride, avarice, envy, wrath, lust, gluttony, and sloth or acedia. [end quoted material]

So gluttony – or even just simple overeating – can lead us down a slippery slope of vices if we aren’t careful.

This might be as good a time as ever to see where the Spirit is leading you. Pope Francis has been calling for greater simplicity in our lives and a greater spirit of sacrifice for the poor. Wouldn’t it be nice to give up a little something each day and contribute the difference to the poor? Food for thought.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Doesn’t Mary’s Virginity Detract From Marriage?”

Q: Why do we believe that Mary is ever-virgin? It makes it seem as though she would be less if she weren’t. I find it a little frustrating, though, because it makes her seem more far away, less human, especially if I’m a woman/mother/wife who won’t be ever-virgin. It makes it seem like what I’m doing is less or bad somehow. I don’t understand. Thank you. –K.J.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Let me point out at the start that marriage is a sacrament – and thus being a wife is good – and motherhood is a rightly honored state.

A proper answer to your question would require a book. But let me offer a few observations that might help.

First, Mary’s perpetual virginity is a fact of faith, if I may use that term. We don’t believe it because it’s “convenient” or because it fits in with some preconceived notions that we have. We believe it because it is true; it was part of God’s plan for Mary, and the Holy Spirit guides the Church so that it isn’t mistaken on this important point. It was fitting, too, that Mary, who conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit, would be the perpetually faithful spouse of the Spirit.

Your deeper question, though, is that perpetual virginity seems to somehow put marriage in a bad light. It doesn’t. In fact, it elevates marriage. Let me explain.

The Church values virginity for various reasons, including Jesus’ own virginity. Virginity points toward heaven, where there is no marriage (“At the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage but are like the angels in heaven” — Matthew 22:30). So virginity can be a kind of foretaste of heaven.

Virginity is prized, too, precisely because it can represent the voluntary giving up of marriage. Now, if marriage were bad, then it wouldn’t be a sacrifice to give it up — we would all be obliged to forgo it. But marriage is good – a sacrament, in fact. Hence, to give up marriage freely for the sake of the Kingdom is a noble sacrifice. In effect, virginity points up to the dignity and beauty and goodness of marriage.

Another consideration: many people instinctively recognize something good in virginity. Think of children. Part of what makes them so endearing is their innocence, their purity — their virginity.

Virginity can make it easier for a person to have a disinterested love across the board, without being tied down to one particular person. Virginity can also bring out good in others — it can raise their vision toward more transcendent goals.

Marriage, of course, has its own kind of beauty. Mary herself was the fruit of a marriage. And God’s very first command to humans was to “Be fertile and multiply” (Genesis 1:28).

For further reading you might consider works dealing with St. John Paul II’s theology of the body. Popular writers such as Christopher West help to make accessible that Pope’s deep teaching about the beauty and dignity of marriage.

So don’t think that marriage is somehow faulty. On the contrary, it is a calling that can allow people to participate in the creative power of God in a special way. It is a pillar of healthy societies.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: How Can I Forgive, After Years of Harassment?”

Q: I know we are supposed to forgive, no matter what. Sometimes I wish I could, but I do want justice. I also want to forgive without feeling bitter, but I don’t know how. Over the past 10 years I have been slandered, to the point of losing my profession. My mother and I had been stalked, mocked and harassed wherever we went. I also know who started it. I don’t have any close friends. I’m pretty much alone most of the time. My mother was harassed right up to the time when she died. My faith is a comfort to me. I know I must forgive, but don’t know how. I can pray for my persecutors, but can’t ever see myself say even hello to them. How can I forgive? –P.T.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I am deeply sorry to hear about the harassment that you and your mother had undergone. The forces of evil are strong in the world. This is why being a Christian can be so demanding.

A person can be forgiving without forgoing justice. It isn’t unreasonable that we would expect people to try to make up for the evil they do. In that sense it isn’t unhealthy that you want to see some kind of justice done. You need not be indifferent to justice.

Then again, it is good not to confuse forgiveness with feelings. We can forgive someone but still reel from the pain that the person caused us. Sometimes painful feelings can last a long time.

The important thing is that you make an act of the will when you forgive. You can say, “Lord, I want to forgive this person; give me the grace to do it.” That is the important part. Our Lord knows that the feelings of pain might linger — but those are separate from your act of the will.

The upshot of this: Keep praying for the grace to forgive those who have hurt you. Your prayers for them, by the way, would be a sign of your forgiveness for them. In this way you won’t let them take away your ability to be merciful. People can hurt us on the exterior level (including our reputation). But they can’t hurt our core if we don’t permit it. Your loving heart is something no one can take from you.

Perhaps Jesus has allowed this special cross in your life to draw you closer to himself. You can probably understand more deeply what it means to be persecuted as Our Lord was. This cross can be the instrument of your growth in holiness.

For more reading you might check out Forgiveness Is a Choice, by Robert Enright.

I hope some of this helps. Count on being included in one of my Mass intentions.

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“Ask a Priest: Will I Lose My Soul for Listening to AC/DC?”

Q: Last year, I went through a phase were I really opened up and became a better Christian. And it worked! But I let my anxiety take it too far, to the point where I wasn’t living my life. Now, as a result of that, I find it hard to pray, and I’m having trouble finding that even balance between sinning and living a godly life. I want to make the best out of my life while I’m here, and it’s difficult, because one of my biggest anxiety problems is hell. I don’t want to go there. If I swear, will I go to hell for eternity? If I make an inappropriate joke, will I go there for eternity? Also, music is a big concern for me. My favorite band is AC/DC. They’ve inspired me to start learning to play electric guitar. I know their songs are about sex, being a rebel, and even hell sometimes. But you’re not supposed to take them seriously. They’re a band simply here to have a good fun time. But when I listen to songs like “Highway to Hell” and “Hells Bells,” I have my anxiety worries. Will I go to hell for listening to them, even if I don’t let the lyrics get to me? All these questions are building up in me. I need guidance. –T.R.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good that you are trying to be a better Christian. To be a saint is the best way to go through life. That is how you give glory to God and find happiness.

Now, having a healthy fear of hell is good. We are in a spiritual battle, after all, and the stakes are enormous. But you don’t want to focus just on hell.

Christianity is about Christ, who is the full revelation of God. He wants us to be his followers, which means we need to make time for prayer, the sacraments, and acts of charity.

Christianity is about love more than about fear. In that sense it is better to focus on how to bring the love of Jesus to others each day. If you do that, then you are more likely to tame your faults and to put your energies into something positive.

Some practical things could help. Make frequent use of the sacraments. Try to read the Gospel every day. Get to know Christ, your best friend. Consider doing an online retreat occasionally, at RC Spirituality.

Then, ask yourself what God wants you to do with your life. Does he want you to be more respectful of others? More generous? What kind of music would he want you to listen to? Lyrics and hard beats can, after all, have a deep impact on the psyche. Instead of asking yourself if listening to a certain type of music will end up sending you to hell, why not ask yourself how listening to this or that type of music will affect your relationship with God? Will it help you be a wiser, stronger, more merciful person? Will it help your heart stay close to God and get to know him better? That type of reflection could be helpful. After all, to use another comparison, eating potato chips every once in a while won’t ruin your health, but only eating potato chips all the time certainly will.

You might also want to look for a regular confessor or spiritual director who could guide you.

If you focus on these kinds of things, you won’t be overly concerned about hell. Because your energies will be steadily geared toward moving in another direction.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: I Feel Drawn Back to the Church, But What If My Husband Resists?”

Q: I was raised Catholic and my husband was raised Pentecostal. Before getting married, we decided to compromise and go to a non-denominational Christian church because neither of us wanted to convert to the other’s religion. We have a great marriage and have been attending our new church regularly. But I am unhappy. I am pregnant with our first child and I desperately miss the Catholic Church. I have become depressed over the thought of our son not being baptized and raised Catholic. My husband does not believe in infant baptism. He also doesn’t believe in the Trinity. He reads the Bible daily and prays more than anyone I know. I feel that if he really understood Catholicism, he would love it, but I don’t know how to make that happen. He feels betrayed now for me even bringing up the Catholic Church again. With each day that passes, I keep praying he will change his mind, but what if he never does? I cry all the time and am so sad over the issue that I worry if the stress will harm the baby. What can I do? –S.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Thanks for your note. It is good that you feel a desire to return to the practice of the Catholic faith and to raise your children in the faith. That means the Holy Spirit is working in your heart.

You mention that you have a “great marriage.” A really great marriage is one that would help you grow in your faith and your union with Christ. That means living the fullness of the faith as best you can.

Part of that living of the faith means to trust that God’s grace is at work in your life and that this painful situation is not outside of God’s providence. You can continue to love your husband fully even as you begin to take steps that could bring you back to the fullness of the Catholic faith and the grace of the sacraments.

That said, there are several issues you would need to deal with.

First, since you married outside the Catholic Church, your marriage isn’t recognized by the Church. Here the question arises about how your children would be raised in the Catholic faith if you yourself are in an irregular situation.

Second, notwithstanding his intense prayer life and Bible reading, your husband apparently doesn’t embrace the core belief of the Christian faith: that God is a Trinity of three Persons. This is an odd position for a self-styled Christian. That, and your husband’s opposition to infant baptism, would indicate that there is a deep chasm between your beliefs and his.

Perhaps it would be good to reconsider your position about the Catholic Church. Your instincts seem to be telling you that your current denomination isn’t satisfying. That is understandable. The Catholic Church guards the fullness of God’s revelation in Christ, including the sacraments.

It might be good to consider attending Mass again, or at least talking with a priest at a local parish. You might not be able to change your husband, but you can change your own course. The first man of your life is Christ, not your husband. Jesus is your redeemer. If you stay close to him, all the other relationships in your life will find their proper place.

If you want your baby baptized in the faith, the ideal path would be this: Seek to get your marriage recognized by the Church; make a good confession; and return to the life of the sacraments. (For more reading on helping your marriage, see the For Your Marriage site.)

In the meantime keep praying for your husband. And count on being included in one of my Mass intentions, OK?

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!