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“Ask a Priest: Would It Be OK to Scatter My Wife’s Ashes at Sea?”

May 16, 2017 / Ask a Priest

Q: My wife is a practicing Catholic, but her request for burial is for her ashes to be spread with the dolphins at sea with her Cindy Girl (our faithful dog that had passed away several years back). Will my wife still go to heaven if I follow her request? – A.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: While the Church allows for cremation in some cases, it does not allow for the scattering of ashes.

A 2016 instruction from the Vatican Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, “Ad Resurgendum cum Christo,” says as much.

Paragraph No. 7 of that document says, “In order that every appearance of pantheism, naturalism or nihilism be avoided, it is not permitted to scatter the ashes of the faithful departed in the air, on land, at sea or in some other way, nor may they be preserved in mementos, pieces of jewelry or other objects. These courses of action cannot be legitimized by an appeal to the sanitary, social, or economic motives that may have occasioned the choice of cremation.” You can refer to the full text HERE.

Our bodies, while we are alive here on earth, are temples of the Holy Spirit from the moment of our baptism. And at the end of history, when Jesus comes again, we will be resurrected and our soul and body will be reunited. Burying our remains instead of scattering them is a more apt reminder of these truths of our faith; it respects these truths better. And besides, a specific burial place also allows surviving loved ones a location where they can go and pray for those who have died.

While it’s not the place of Ask a Priest to say who and who won’t make it to heaven, it might be good to dissuade your wife from her plans. Following Church teachings, and encouraging other Catholics to do so, is one way the faithful could improve their chances of reaching heaven someday.

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Today’s secular world throws curve balls at us all the time. AskACatholicPriest is a Q&A feature that anyone can use. Just type in your question or send an email to AskAPriest@rcspiritual.wpenginepowered.com and you will get a personal response back from one of our priests at RCSpirituality. You can ask about anything – liturgy, prayer, moral questions, current events… Our goal is simply to provide a trustworthy forum for dependable Catholic guidance and information. So go ahead and ask your question…

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“Ask a Priest: Should I Be Preaching to People?”

May 12, 2017 / Ask a Priest

Q: This might sound like a silly question, but I was wondering when I should be preaching to people. I really want to spread my faith, but what if people think it’s weird if I just randomly start talking about Jesus with them? Won’t it turn some people off? Also, if I should be preaching, how should I do it? Thanks so much! – M.T.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Preaching normally refers to the homily at Mass and is done by an ordained minister.

If you mean day-to-day “advice,” then the best preaching is your personal example. Your charity in word and deed is one of the best ways to preach the Gospel to others. People tend to believe Christians only if they see them living the Gospel fully.

Although it is laudable and necessary to speak of Jesus, it takes prudence to say the right thing at the right moment; otherwise, people will tune out.

Try to engage people in respectful conversation and look for opportunities where you can witness to your faith. That is, look for moments when you can speak about how your faith has helped you. This is different from “telling people what to do.”

The desire you are experiencing to share your faith is definitely an inspiration from the Holy Spirit. The question you ask shows that you are not sure how to respond to that inspiration. My colleague Father John Bartunek has written a book that seems well designed for your situation. “Go! 30 Meditations on How Best to Love Your Neighbor as Yourself” explores the missionary dimension of every Christian’s life, and gives advice about how to use our words, works and witness to spread the Gospel.

Again, the best first step is your own example of charity. Work on that, keep up your prayer life and sacramental life, and the Holy Spirit will guide you to say the right thing at the right moment.

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“Ask a Priest: Did the Church Teach That the Earth is 6,000 Years Old?”

May 9, 2017 / Ask a Priest

Q: One of my college professors was talking about geologic time. She mentioned James Ussher, the man accredited with the 6,000-year time span for the age of the earth. She said that he was a Catholic bishop and that his writings were decreed by the Catholic Church, and that this presented a problem for scientists in that time because to suggest anything otherwise would be going against the Catholic Church which she said would have led to excommunication or death. Is this true? Every source I’ve looked at online says that James Ussher was an Anglican archbishop. Wouldn’t this mean that he was Protestant and not Catholic? Also, was this teaching or his teaching decreed by the Catholic Church? Thank you so much! – G.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: As best I can tell, James Ussher was with the Church of Ireland, so he would have been part of the Anglican Communion, and hence a Protestant in the wide sense, but certainly outside the visible bounds of the Catholic Church.

The Catholic Church has never officially taught that the world is 6,000 years old. That 6,000-year figure comes from a literalist reading of Scripture. This is not a good way to read the Bible. The creation accounts in the Book of Genesis are theological and not meant to be read as a science textbook.

There are no excommunications connected to people who believe the world to be millions or even billions of years old.

Your comment about there being “a problem for scientists in that time” points to the deeper issue involving the relation between faith and reason. It might come as a surprise to some people today, but the Catholic Church sees no contradiction between faith and science (or “faith and reason”). Both were created by God, and truth cannot contradict truth.

There is no reason why a person of strong faith couldn’t be a great scientist, and vice versa. You could find a list of examples HERE. The “problem” between faith and science is when scientists make statements that go beyond the bounds of science or when people of faith make scientific claims that are clearly contradicted by evidence.

The Catechism in No. 2293 says, “Basic scientific research, as well as applied research, is a significant expression of man’s dominion over creation. Science and technology are precious resources when placed at the service of man and promote his integral development for the benefit of all.”

For more reading on the relation between faith and reason, see Pope St. John Paul II’s encyclical Fides et Ratio. I hope some of this helps.

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“Ask a Priest: Should I Cut Ties With Toxic Relatives?”

May 5, 2017 / Ask a Priest

Q: I am newly married and expecting my first child, and I realized today that there are some people in my life who I don’t want influencing my kids or being in their life. They are toxic and have hurt me a lot throughout my life, but they are my family. Do you think God would be OK with me cutting them out of my life, or do I have an obligation to keep them in my life? – S.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: May the Blessed Virgin Mary watch over you as you await the birth of your baby!

You raise an interesting question. The short answer is … there is no simple answer. People can change. And people can influence others to change.

In the case of problematic family members, it might be part of your mission to help them, through your prayers and your example.

The most important relationships in your life — after God the Father, the Holy Spirit, Jesus and Mary – are those with your husband and children. You are within your rights to protect them as best you can from noxious relatives.

But it is good to remember the words of St. Paul: “Do not be conquered by evil but conquer evil with good” (Romans 12:21).

We as Christians are called to bring the light of Christ to others. We need to shine amid the darkness of the world.

Dealing with problematic family members might be one way to do this.

This doesn’t mean you have to ignore their objectively bad behavior or open your home to bad behavior. Certainly, if any family members have abused you physically in some way, you are wise to keep them away from your family until there is rock-solid evidence of their rehabilitation.

But it might be good at least to start praying specifically for those who have hurt you. This has many advantages.

First, it gives you a way to channel your energy in a charitable way.

Second, this prayer in turn can also bring a deep peace to your own heart. If you can pray for and forgive someone who has hurt you, then it will be that much easier to foster a spirit of mercy to others around you.

Third, the prayer will expand your own heart and help make you a better wife and mom. You could turn your home into a little paradise. And that could have ripple effects in your community.

Fourth, this exercise in prayer and forgiveness would help you see everyone through the eyes of Jesus. For he suffered and died for each of your relatives. He loves each of one, without exception. Imagine a heart that could love like Christ’s.

And who knows? Your prayers could help convert souls.

Again, this doesn’t mean you have to indiscriminately open your home to every problematic person. Yet it is healthy not to try to live cut off from every difficult relative. Dealing with them, though challenging, might give your own heart a chance to grow.

It might be worth thinking of the alternative. If you cut off all contact with certain relatives, will that improve the situation? Will it help them? Will it help you? Could it, for instance, cause a hardening of hearts over the years?

Perhaps you could take all this to prayer. Talk about it with your husband, too, and see where the Spirit is leading you. Count on my prayers.

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“Ask a Priest: Am I Wrong to Avoid a Restaurant Where Waitresses Dress Immodestly?”

May 2, 2017 / Ask a Priest

Q: I have ran into a situation with my boyfriend that has become a concern of mine. We both were raised Catholic, but in different types of families. Just the other day he asked me if it was okay to go watch a football game with some friends at a certain restaurant, but the girls are very immodestly dressed there. Of course, my response was no. We had an argument about the fact that it’s not an appropriate place to eat — and he wouldn’t understand. His argument was that he isn’t going there to look, it’s to eat and hang out with friends. What do I do? I explained that if he respected me, he wouldn’t even consider going there. Am I at fault? The other problem is that his dad and brother went a while back and doesn’t seem for him how it can be any different. – B.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It sounds as though your friend has been heavily influenced by the culture. Modesty isn’t a strong suit in today’s society, and that has deeply affected the thinking of men and women alike.

It seems totally appropriate that you refused to go to the restaurant. From what you describe it sounds like a place that exploits women and degrades customers, whether they realize it or not.

Yet, this might be a providential moment for you. It has shed light on a deep division of opinion between you and your friend about a significant issue. It is no small thing to think that an establishment with immodestly dressed women is OK. Moreover, it is significant that your friend’s dad and brother apparently think the same way.

This might give you pause if you are thinking about marriage to your friend someday.

This might be a good moment to ask yourself some questions.

Is this a man you would feel comfortable spending your life with, if he doesn’t change his attitude about places like this restaurant?

Would you feel comfortable with his dad and brother as in-laws? Could you see your sons and daughters growing up with such a dad and uncle and grandfather? Would you be comfortable with your friend’s friends as part of your life?

You might consider taking these questions to prayer. A special task of evangelization lies ahead if you become a part of your friend’s family. This isn’t an impossible task, but you would want to be realistic about the chances of changing the attitudes of the men in that family.

You might also want to speak more with your friend about this incident. Sooner or later the issue will resurface. As will the tensions.

I hope this helps. Count on my prayers.

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“Ask a Priest: Would the Weak Be Judged for Not Being Martyrs?”

April 28, 2017 / Ask a Priest

Q: Jesus said that whoever rejects him before men, he will reject before his Father and the angels. Where does this dire warning leave people who are psychologically fragile, vulnerable and sensitive who could barely stand up for themselves, and are seemingly called to witness the faith? Or what if a man is put under pressure to renounce the Christian/Catholic faith by threats to his wife and children instead of to him, and, although he is not afraid to undergo death or torture himself, he decides to renounce the faith so that his wife and children could be spared that fate? Would God hold him to account for this most difficult decision? I must admit that I sometimes experience angry moments when I ask myself why God created us with such a lousy and imperfect nature only to judge us for displaying symptoms of such a nature. – P.

It is good not to think of God as some kind of wrathful judge who is ready to pounce on us if we show weakness or step out of line. He is a loving Father who knows our weaknesses and who is there to sustain us.

As for people with psychological weaknesses, etc., Our Lord will take all that into account. “Much will be required of the person entrusted with much” (Luke 12:48). Conversely, less will be required of those who have been given less.

As for someone whose loved ones are threatened, Our Lord would also take into account the pressure and tension that a person would feel.

Still, there will be times when God allows martyrdom to occur. Perhaps here it is helpful to meditate on the example of the mother and her seven sons in 2 Maccabees 7.

By the way, God didn’t create us with “lousy natures.” It was the sin of the first humans that brought pain and suffering in the world. From them we inherit original sin and a fallen human nature. A consequence is concupiscence, the tendency to sin.

God sent his only Son to redeem us from our sins. He gives us the sacraments and the magisterium to support and guide us. This is a God of love.

Nevertheless, the presence of so much evil caused by humans is a bit mysterious. Suffice it to say that this wasn’t part of God’s plan, and that he offers us sufficient help to become saints.

Perhaps you need to cultivate more trust in the Almighty. He doesn’t make junk. We are made in his image and likeness, and he cares for us as his children.

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“Ask a Priest: Is It OK to Date a Muslim?”

April 25, 2017 / Ask a Priest

Q: Should a practicing Catholic have even one date, knowing the fellow is Muslim? I feel it is as bad as dating a man knowing he is married. Thank you! I want to instruct a relative. – M.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Ideally the purpose of dating is to see whether there are grounds for a possible marriage. Relationships should ideally be pursued so long as there are signs of a reasonable potential for a good marriage.

That is the theory, at least. In practice, life and relationships can be very complex.

Two numbers from the Catechism might be worth quoting here:

1633 In many countries the situation of a mixed marriage (marriage between a Catholic and a baptized non-Catholic) often arises. It requires particular attention on the part of couples and their pastors. A case of marriage with disparity of cult (between a Catholic and a non-baptized person) requires even greater circumspection.

1634 Difference of confession between the spouses does not constitute an insurmountable obstacle for marriage, when they succeed in placing in common what they have received from their respective communities, and learn from each other the way in which each lives in fidelity to Christ. But the difficulties of mixed marriages must not be underestimated. They arise from the fact that the separation of Christians has not yet been overcome. The spouses risk experiencing the tragedy of Christian disunity even in the heart of their own home. Disparity of cult can further aggravate these difficulties. Differences about faith and the very notion of marriage, but also different religious mentalities, can become sources of tension in marriage, especially as regards the education of children. The temptation to religious indifference can then arise. [end quoted material]

That notion of disparity of cult would be a key issue in a relationship between a Catholic and a Muslim. There are lots of reasons why the Church doesn’t encourage these type of marriages.

Now, to your specific questions. If someone goes out on “one date,” it doesn’t seem like a pressing issue. “One date” could just be a simple social event, with no intention of pursuing a serious relationship. It is certainly not akin to dating a married man, which would objectively illicit, given his marital vows.

A more delicate matter — and this I can’t really speak to since I don’t know you or your relative — is how much to “instruct” the loved one. This would require a bit of prudence and timing. How things are said, and when they are said, could make a big difference. Such “instruction” could be edifying if done well. If done not so well, it could cause a bit of resentment.

Again, I can’t gauge the situation with so little information. Perhaps it would be helpful to pray a lot beforehand if you decide to approach your relative. Perhaps you could share your own experience (if it’s the case) of how it has enriched your own marriage to have a spouse who shares the faith.

If this dating is a once-only event, you might not want to press the issue. I hope some of this helps.

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“Ask a Priest: How Do I Know If I Believe Enough?”

April 21, 2017 / Ask a Priest

Q: I know that Jesus died for our sins, and if we trust in him and put our life in his hands, in return we get eternal salvation. How do I know that I believe it enough? What if how much I believe isn’t enough? How do I truly believe it in my heart? I want to be saved and I want to believe, but how? I don’t want to wait till it’s too late, because we never know how much time we have left. – R.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: To have faith in Jesus is to set out on a journey, like Abraham in the Old Testament. You follow Jesus because something in you says he is really God, he is really your redeemer.

By making that initial act of faith and following him, we can verify from day-to-day experience that we have made the right decision. As time goes on, we discover the deep wisdom of the Gospel. Something in our heart tells us that we are on the path of truth.

But how do we know that we believe “enough”? That isn’t easy to measure, though two criteria might help guide you.

First, real faith translates into action. It’s not enough that we make an intellectual assent; we need to conform our lives ever more closely to the Gospel. “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven” (Matthew 7:21). In practical terms that means making time for prayer and the sacraments and doing acts of charity.

Second, we can tell that our faith is growing stronger if we always give Our Lord the benefit of the doubt. That is, accept that what he teaches us through the Church is true and good and trustworthy, and that he is charge of the universe – that there is no problem too big that he can’t solve.

Two ramifications of this are worth mentioning.

One, we shouldn’t expose ourselves to things that put our faith in doubt, such as dicey books or bad TV shows or movie or websites. We need to feed our minds and hearts with good reading, such as papal teachings, stories of lives of the saints, and solid works of spirituality. This helps us to make sure our own ideas are in line with what the Church teaches. Our own perspective can be limited and distorted; the Church with its centuries of wisdom and assistance of the Holy Spirit is there to guard us from error.

Two, we need to cultivate a habit of seeing any difficulty in life with the eyes of faith. We need to have confidence that God allows difficulties in our life to help us grow in virtue and in confidence in his help. God will give us the grace we need to bear any burden. This is crucial because difficulties and tragedies can shake our faith; handled without a spirit of faith, they can undermine our belief in God’s love for us. So in the face of difficulties our first response should be to turn to prayer and to remind ourselves of God’s closeness and concern.

As mentioned earlier, faith is a journey. It demands a constant response of trust on our part. If we can remain confident in God and stay humble, imploring his help, in the midst of any problem, then that is a good sign that our faith is deep.

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“Ask a Priest: After the Music-and-Drug Scene, Is There Hope for Me?”

April 18, 2017 / Ask a Priest

Q: I’ve been away from the Church for a few years. Until recently I was in a band, which was fun … lots of gigs around the country, etc. But I became involved in the drug scene, which seems to go hand in hand with the music scene here. I enjoyed it at the time, but it has taken its toll on me. Recently I decided enough was enough, and I quit the band. The timing wasn’t great, as we have gigs coming up for New Year’s, but I just can’t do it anymore. My father has a damaged heart from a heart attack, and was told recently that he has about a year to live. This is also a reason for me leaving the band, as I don’t want to disappoint him anymore with the partying, etc. I feel sad that I’m probably going to lose friends over this, but it can’t carry on. I also feel guilty for letting them down by quitting before a gig, but I know that it’s destroying my soul, so to speak, by continuing. Anyway, I’ve been praying about it, praying the rosary and to Our Lady, but feel like I’m not worthy to return to the Church. I haven’t spoken to the priest here where I live, to be honest I’m a bit scared. I haven’t attended Mass for years … I’m worried about not being forgiven. I so desperately yearn for the Church, but feel so unworthy. Is there hope for me, Father? Thank you for taking the time to read this. – T.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It sounds as though the Holy Spirit has been leading you back closer to the Church. The fact that you have quit the band, knowing that the well-being of your soul is more important, is a sign that grace is working in you.

You most certainly can come back to the Church. Our Lord is anxious to extend his mercy to you in the sacrament of confession (Father of Mercies is a Retreat Guide that could help you deepen in understanding God’s love and mercy for you!). You remain his beloved son, and he only wants the best for you.

The music-and-drug scene is the world trying to distract you from what is really important. You were made for heaven, and your life on earth is meant to give glory to God. The time you have here is the time God gives you to become a saint.

That might sound like an exaggeration, but it’s not. With God’s grace you can grow in holiness.

The first step is to believe that this is possible. Then, think about approaching a priest for confession. You have nothing to fear. This is one reason why Jesus established the Church — he wants to extend his mercy in a way we can see and hear, as in the sacrament of confession.

You could find online guides to help prepare yourself for confession, such as the one HERE.

It might also help you to watch these short videos about confession, and about how it is actually a gift God gives us because he wants to make it easier for us to come back to him when we need to: “From Sorrow to Joy: A Retreat Guide on Confession.”

The best gift you can give yourself and your loved ones is to go to confession. Receiving absolution will take a great weight off your mind. It will be the first step in what is sure to become an amazing journey with the God who created and redeemed you, and has so much he wants to give you.

In the meantime try to pray each day. Try to attend Mass. And call on the help of the Blessed Virgin Mary. She will do her best to guide you back to her Son.

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“Ask a Priest: Would It Be OK to Scatter My Wife’s Ashes at Sea?”

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“Ask a Priest: Did the Church Teach That the Earth is 6,000 Years Old?”

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“Ask a Priest: Should I Cut Ties With Toxic Relatives?”

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