“Ask a Priest: When Does Venting Become Detraction?”

Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest
Q: I have a hard time discerning when I am venting versus when I’m committing the sin of detraction. Further yet, I don’t know when venial detraction turns into mortal detraction. Is there a way to tell the difference? – A.Y.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: The Catechism in No. 2477 says:

“He becomes guilty […] of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them.”

The key phrase is “without objectively valid reason.” Often there is no pressing need to disclose other people’s faults.

There are, however, times when we do need to speak up.

How to tell the difference? There are no hard-and-fast rules that apply in every case.

Venting, when it consists of violent complaining about other people, has actually be proven, even physiologically, to exacerbate the negative emotions — the boiling pot gets hotter.

Healthy “venting” is something different. It’s speaking with a trusted friend, who understands me, about the difficulties I am having. It is giving voice to my emotions and my difficulties and trying to process them and understand them by speaking about them with someone in a “safe” space.

The focus in this kind of venting should never be on complaining about other people, but on what I am experiencing and how I can respond constructively to that.

In any case, you might want to ask yourself a few questions before saying anything:

— If I were in the other person’s shoes, how would I like someone to deal with a problem that I caused? (Perhaps it’s more charitable to approach the other person privately and calmly and say what’s on your mind.)

— Might I be wrong? (It doesn’t hurt to double-check your facts first.)

— Might the person be struggling with big personal problem? (It doesn’t hurt to give people the benefit of the doubt.)

— Does the person I’m talking to have a right to hear this? (Maybe, maybe not.)

As to the gravity of the sin of revealing another person’s faults, this isn’t easy to measure. Perhaps another question would help:

— If the level of detraction was “only” a venial sin, would I continue to do it? (If the answer is yes, there is a big problem here. It shows a willingness to offend God deliberately.)

To help point yourself in another direction, you might ask how you can cultivate the habit of speaking well of others.

Here, you might find this resource helpful: Sharpening Your Tongue: A Regnum Christi Essay on Charity in Our Words.

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!