Q: I was wondering if you could clear up some confusion regarding the term “effeminate” as it applies to men. I always took that term to mean “weak,” generally, or specifically referring to male prostitutes who took on a feminine role during same-sex encounters. And then the definition expanded to mean general weakness, but not referring to any particular personality trait or interest. I work designing advertisements for a clothing company. I’m interested in fashion overall and try to dress nicely, wearing more colorful stuff within the men’s section. My girlfriend doesn’t like this and calls it sinful, considering it “effeminate.” She then pointed out how I’m not good at sports, my voice isn’t as deep as some other men, and how I have a great number of female friends. Or like how I prefer fruity drinks to beer. I don’t know if she’s suspecting I’m secretly gay or something, I’m not and I’ve told her this many times but it’s starting to get on my nerves. I’m a straight man. I’m comfortable being a man. I was raised Methodist, but my girlfriend is Catholic, so she keeps saying that it’s a difference in religion and that in Catholicism it’s considered a vice to be “effeminate.” I thought that always referred to being weak-willed and easily led into sin or too attached to pleasure. Individual men have personality differences and preferences, but being a man is about protecting and using strength to serve others. Do my girlfriend’s arguments hold any weight, or is she correct and should I try to change some of my interests/behavior? — G.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC:
A: Since I have only side of the story, the advice that follows is tentative.
First, while there are deep differences between men and women, there can be overlaps, shall we say, in behavior and tastes.
Some men might display qualities that are more identified with women, and vice versa.
This doesn’t necessarily point to any homosexual tendencies; it’s just that everyone is unique.
It seems an exaggeration to label certain effeminate qualities in a man as sinful. This isn’t Catholic doctrine.
Perhaps your friend has been influenced by certain websites and YouTube videos that have reacted against some of the problems and distortions that have arisen in the culture, everything from “toxic masculinity” to transgenderism to various strains of feminism.
More than a few commentators and pundits sense that many problems today, in family life in particular, stems from a loss of healthy masculinity.
There is a lot of truth in all this. The key is to find solutions that don’t push the pendulum too far in the opposite direction. But that’s a bigger issue for another day.
More to the point: It would be good to continue dialoguing with your girlfriend. She must see something good and worthwhile in you; otherwise, she wouldn’t be dating you.
And while there might be things that the both of you can do to make reasonable accommodations for each other, you shouldn’t feel pressured to change your preferences about everything. You are who you are.
If your friend can’t handle that, well, that might be a sign that the two of you aren’t meant to spend your lives together. It’s better to find that out sooner than later.
In the meantime, it would be good to pray about the relationship. Ask the Holy Spirit for guidance for the both of you. And be sure to share your religious views with each other in depth.
Count on my prayers.
