Q: I’m messaging you to ask about the way my girlfriend dresses. She often shows a lot of stomach and shoulders. She also has a belly button ring. The way she dresses attracts a lot of attention. Even when she’s with me, guys still approach her — it makes me uncomfortable. From a religious standpoint I’m not too fond of the way she dresses. She also is Catholic, but I think she hides away from her faith. Could you help me understand what is right and wrong here, and if and how I should confront her about it? – Matthew
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC:
It’s admirable that you show concern about the way your girlfriend dresses.
She might not realize how her way of dressing can put others in the occasion of grave sin. Showing a lot of stomach and shoulders is no way to reflect her dignity as a daughter of God.
Frankly, skimpy clothes can trigger lustful thoughts, especially in men, and might lead others to view her as an object of pleasure rather than as a person made in the image of God.
It’s possible that your girlfriend is oblivious to some of these ideas.
She has grown up in a culture saturated with sexual images. Social media might have conditioned her to think she needs to dress in a certain way to get and keep attention.
She might also be insecure about herself and sees her racy garb as a way to get lots of attention. She is selling herself short.
It would be good to have a heart-to-heart talk with her.
Let her know how much you appreciate it when she dresses modestly and how uncomfortable you are when she doesn’t. Let her know that modesty enhances her beauty.
It’s important to speak frankly with your girlfriend now, since you need to find out how compatible you two are.
Dating is usually done with an eye toward marriage. If you and your girlfriend don’t see eye-to-eye on the value of modesty, that is a significant issue. Think about the impact on future children if you were to marry her.
Moreover, you mention that she doesn’t seem to embrace her faith too openly. This, too, is a serious issue that needs attention.
A big part of marriage and parenting is helping your children learn and grow in the faith.
Could you see your girlfriend as the future mother of your children? Could you see her helping the kids grow in the faith?
You might recommend that the both of you, together or separately, review some resources and then discuss the matter of modesty. Some resources:
https://ascensionpress.com/blogs/videos/advice-for-modest-dress
https://laycistercians.com/cathoic-women-modest-dressing/
https://chastity.com/2015/07/is-this-too-short/
You might want to pray about this matter first. Ask the Holy Spirit for guidance for yourself and for your girlfriend. Count on my prayers.
