Q: I am struggling to find ways to grow in the faith with my fiancée. We are both Catholic, but she doesn’t follow many of the teachings of the Church or practice a deep life of prayer. She feels that going to Mass every Sunday and going to confession regularly aren’t necessary for deepening her faith. I have tried to talk to her about how the sacraments are where we meet Jesus and that there are abundant graces in practices like the rosary or other devotions. However, she shirks these off and says, “I don’t get anything out of those.” There was probably poor catechesis in her early faith formation. What can I do to help guide her as her future spouse? She says sometimes she feels shameful when I bring up things like lack of regular confession or making it to Mass. I’ve tried to tell her it comes from a place of love and care for her, but she feels as though I’m being self-righteous. I’m trying to lead by example and not force her to do any of these things, but I can’t help worrying about her immortal soul. What ways or resources are out there to help people learn about what our place as laity is in the Church and our role as the Body of Christ? Thank you. – D.N.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC A: It’s admirable that you want to help your fiancée to grow in the faith. A short answer is: Start to offer up sacrifices for her. This can take the form of mortification (fasting, cold showers, lots of physical work) or Eucharistic adoration, for starters. The longer answer is: Be careful! Conversions can happen, of course. But when it comes to your fiancée it might be good to look for signs of real progress — before the wedding. She is resisting your comments about the need for regular attendance at Mass, etc. That indicates that she isn’t as far along on her spiritual journey as you are. Poor instruction in the faith might be a factor. Nevertheless, you need to ask yourself whether you could see yourself married to her for the rest of your life if she doesn’t change her attitude about Mass and prayer. Could you see her as someone who would help raise your children well in the faith? It’s tempting to think that with enough nudging, you will help her become a better Catholic. Conversion, of course, depends on God’s grace. But people need to be open to that grace. If your fiancée’s formation was weak, invite her to join you in reading the Youth Catechism or the U.S. Catholic Catechism for Adults together. Start talking out things issue by issue. You mention that she doesn’t follow many of the teachings of the Church. This, too, is an area where you would be wise to look for progress. It would also be good to seek out a marriage-preparation course that will force the both of you to answer serious questions. You might look for a program that uses something like the FOCCUS Pre-marriage Inventory. In the meantime, keep up those prayers and sacrifices. And count on my prayers.
