Q: My mother claims to be a practicing Catholic, yet she is dating a man without having gotten an annulment since being divorced. I tried explaining to her that what she is doing is very wrong, since she and the man she’s dating are still married to their respective spouses in the eyes of God. I don’t feel comfortable attending holiday parties with the man there, since he knows I don’t condone his relationship with my mom. I also don’t want him to think I’m “OK” with what’s going on by attending the gathering. In this case, am I wrong for not wanting to attend? Especially considering their relationship is potentially mortally sinful, I would have a difficult time attending with a clean conscience. – A.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC A: It’s admirable that you are concerned about your mom and her choice to date without having obtained an annulment. Admirable, too, is your desire not to want to appear supportive of the relationship. Now, you don’t mention a lot of details about these holiday parties. If these are big events on neutral ground (such as a relative’s home, with dozens of people in attendance), it’s not clear whether you need to avoid such family get-togethers on account of your mom and her friend. In a relatively large crowd, your presence need not imply your support for their relationship, especially if you can keep your distance from the man. It would be another case if the gathering is small and awkward encounters would be hard to avoid. In that case it could be justifiable to skip the event if it goes against your conscience. Our first allegiance is to Our Lord. As you probably realize, keeping your distance from Mom when she’s with her friend could avoid later problems. What if they get tired of waiting for annulments and announce plans for a civil wedding — and ask you to actively participate in the event? If you hold the line now, they might not put you on the spot later. Or if they get used to your company when they are together, what if they ask to spend the night in your spare bedroom? For now, you might want to encourage Mom to speak with her pastor. Above all, pray for Mom. With God’s grace you can help the woman who brought you to life, to reach eternal life.
