Q: I have a doubt that has been hammering my mind and stopping me from taking another step toward self-improvement. What do I need to accept in myself and what do I need to change? How to make this distinction? Example: I don’t like having a lot of friends around me. I have just a few of them, but I know they are true. Is this a trait of personality or a flaw? I also don’t like being overly talkative to strangers, which may seem like I am arrogant. Should I try to change or would that mean I am trying to be who I’m not? Thank you. – G.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC
A: A short answer is that we need to accept the things that will help us draw closer to God, and try to change the things that lead us away from him. In practice, this can require a lot of discernment. A complete answer in an e-mail isn’t possible.
That said, it is good to note that being selective about one’s friends is not necessarily a bad trait.
Even Scripture advises, “Let those who are friendly to you be many, but one in a thousand your confidant. When you gain friends, gain them through testing, and do not be quick to trust them” (Sirach 6:6-7).
Certainly, it helps to cultivate the belief that all of us are sons and daughters of the heavenly Father, and hence we are brothers and sisters. This means that we try to be kind and respectful to the strangers we meet, even if we aren’t overly talkative with them.
Unless your reserve is an intentional form of disrespect for others, you shouldn’t beat yourself up. While some aspects of introversion might be a sign of lack of self-confidence, they might simply reflect your particular temperament.
Since your e-mail gives little of your background, it’s hard to address the issue of self-confidence.
For now, it might help to learn more about your own temperament. Two works that might help are The Temperament God Gave You by Art and Laraine Bennett, and The Four Temperaments by Conrad Hock.
No matter what your temperament, it always helps to foster a spirit of charity. And charity can be practiced as much with deeds as with words.
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