Q: I am struggling hard with my faith and with Christianity in general. A lot of the time, it does not feel like freedom to me. It feels like I’m being asked to live by standards I don’t even fully understand, and I hate feeling like my whole life is being measured by whether I can become some different person overnight. I keep hearing that God changes people, but I have tried, and I have tried a lot. I pray, I try to be honest, and it still feels like nothing comes back. God feels silent. That part is what hurts the most. If God is there, why does it feel as though he ignores me? How am I supposed to love or trust someone I can’t even seem to hear from? I also struggle with the idea that because of my past, I’m already disqualified. It feels like I’m being told I’m not good enough no matter what I do. I don’t know how to fix that. I’m not writing this to be disrespectful. I need someone to tell me plainly what I’m missing. If there is hope for someone who feels this stuck and this angry, I want to hear it. Thank you for reading this. — H.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC:
God certainly hears your prayers and is already working in your heart — your e-mail shows that!
The fact that you are trying to pray and have a desire to connect with God shows the Holy Spirit is guiding you.
That sounds strange, I know. God is mysterious and sometimes keeps a low profile because he wants us to make a deeper act of faith about his presence and goodness.
But let’s back up for a moment.
You mention feeling disqualified because of your past. Perhaps sins from the past weigh heavily in your memory.
Now, we are all sinners. We all need God’s mercy and grace.
If you have done things wrong in the past and taken them to confession, then leave them in God’s hands. He has already extended his mercy to you, and he doesn’t want you burning your energy by lamenting the past.
Rather, he wants you to be at peace. You are his beloved daughter, and he wants your happiness and holiness. He wants to use your energy for good things.
You mention about having to live up to standards you don’t understand. Here it might be good to dedicate time to studying your Catholic faith in depth. It might help to get a copy of the Youth Catechism or the U.S. Catholic Catechism for Adults.
Our Lord gives us the Commandments to help us. They are a bit like traffic laws, designed to keep us safe on the road of life. They aren’t arbitrary.
You further mention that you “have tried a lot” to change. In one sense, it’s good that you are trying.
But — and this is an important distinction — our changing for the better isn’t something we do on our own. Rather, it is the Holy Spirit who will change us and lift up our hearts and minds.
What we need to do is to open ourselves to the working of the Spirit. That means we need to be humble and patient. We need to avoid discouragement (which is a subtle form of pride).
We need to have confidence that God is a loving Father who knows our needs and who will give us what we need at the right moments.
So, it would be good to continue to pray. And don’t be afraid to tell God of your fears and problems. He is a great listener.
It might also help to find a solid, regular confessor and/or spiritual director to guide you. A director could be a mature Catholic laywoman, for instance.
If ever you get frustrated, just look at the crucifix to remind yourself what Jesus was willing to do for love of you. And he didn’t wait for you to be perfect.
Count on my prayers.
