“Ask a Priest: Is It Sinful to Talk Long With a Sweetheart?”
Q: I understand that St. Alphonsus Liguori is considered a dependable guide for confessors. He is said to have supported the stance of a bishop who “forbade the confessors of his diocese to absolve those lovers who, after being duly admonished, continued to hold long conversations together, particularly if they should be alone, or if the conversations should be of great length, or clandestine, or by night.” Does this mean that it’s a sin for couples to have conversations with each other that are lengthy, alone, or at night? I can hardly imagine any modern couple being able to avoid all three. Wouldn’t it be a good thing if a man is close with his girlfriend and has lengthy conversations with her, to determine if he wants to marry her? But since St. Alphonsus says no, are we obligated to follow his teaching? — Audrey
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC:
It’s good to state something obvious at the start.
If a bishop was giving that advice to confessors, he was probably talking about young people who had fallen into sins against chastity. He wasn’t talking about mere chatterboxes.
The point here is that young people who have fallen in the area of chastity are likely putting themselves in the near occasion of sin if they spend a long time alone and under the cover of night. This is why St. Alphonsus is seconding the bishop’s counsel.
This advice holds value for all courting couples.
We have a fallen human nature. We struggle with the effects of original sin. Even the most well-intentioned couples can be overcome by temptations if they spend prolonged periods alone and at night.
This doesn’t imply that things are “either-or”: either a man and woman spend prolonged periods together, alone and at night, or they never get to know each other.
Rather, it can be a “both-and” situation: They can get to know each other well but by avoiding situations that could lead them into sin.
This means that couples should plan their dates well. They should do things in public and mix with other people. They can learn a lot about each other by seeing how they interact with others, including family members.
Young women do well to remember that young men tend to physically react to things differently and more intensely. What seems innocuous to a young woman might be provocative to a young man.
On a positive note, remember that if two people really love each other, they will seek the best for each other. This means growth in holiness. And that implies growth in the virtues, including chastity.
For related reading, you might find helpful books at this https://chastity.com/products/category/books/.
I hope that some of this helps. Count on my prayers.
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Ordained in 2006, Fr. Jason has served as a Legionary priest throughout the US, primarily in New York and Michigan. His newest role has called him south, as the superior of the Houston community of the Legionaries of Christ.