“Ask a Priest: Is It OK to Be Happy for a Friend Who Plans to Cohabit?”
Q: I am a scrupulous person and have been struggling recently. But I am wondering if I can be happy for my friends even when they live a sinful lifestyle. One friend who is not married is planning to live with her boyfriend, and she is excited about it. She is not Christian or religious. I want to be happy for her because she is happy, and I act enthusiastic when she tells me this because I want to be a good friend. Is it a sin if I act happy and excited for my friends even if I know what they do is not necessarily right by my faith? I don’t want to go around condemning everyone and being negative. Do I sin if I say I’m excited for her? Thank you. – N.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC A: You mention you are a scrupulous person. Scrupulosity doesn’t seem to be the key problem here. But first things first. God has a plan for sex, and it’s meant to be used by validly married couples who are open to life. This is not just meant for Catholics; it’s meant for everyone. No matter what your friend’s religious background is, the act of cohabitation is not good for her. It leaves her open to being used – for someone else’s pleasure with no promise of commitment. It also risks an unexpected pregnancy, which could bring a child into the world without the security of a stable home life or, heaven forbid, lead to an abortion. If you are encouraging your friend by your enthusiastic actions, you in effect are supporting objectively gravely sinful behavior. In this case, scrupulosity didn’t prompt your initial question; rather your delicate conscience is probably nudging you. You mention that your friend is happy about the prospect of living with her boyfriend. True happiness means following God’s commands or, in the absence of overt religious faith, living in accord with natural law. Intimate relations by nature are ordered to unite a husband and wife in a lifelong bond, which helps provide a stable family life in which children can be raised more easily. Your friend probably doesn’t realize that she is increasing her risk of heartache — or worse. You as her friend would want to help her avoid this path. Now, you don’t have to flat out tell your friend that what she is doing is sinful. She might be clueless as to the immorality of fornication, through no fault of her own. Rather, you might consider asking her whether she has thought through her decision well. At that point, you might share what your Catholic faith has taught you about God’s plan for sex and marriage. You might even look for a books and resources on chastity or theology of the body that you could pass on to her (after you read them first). Christopher West has some accessible books. FOCUS has a page on chaste dating. Another resource is the Chastity Project site. The idea here is to read up on this topic, to prepare yourself better to discuss it with others. Think of all this as an act of real love for your friend. Sharing the Gospel message can help her discover her full dignity as a daughter of God. Sharing the Gospel also helps you to grow in your faith. Count on my prayers.
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