“Ask a Priest: What If Family and Friends Aren’t Living Their Faith?”
Q: How do we hang out with Catholic family and friends who say they love Jesus but have little to do with him and do not want to change anything about their lives? They use vulgarity and use God’s name irreverently. Their children are living in sin and/or in lesbian/homo relationships with kids involved — and they are “proud” of their adult children. They tolerate all lifestyles: babies are born via IVF; marriages are done in the woods by friends; they no longer go to Mass, etc. If we go to supper with them, do we just not talk about any issues other than sports and the weather? I sincerely do not know how to interact with people in these situations. If they talk about their kids, should I be interested and happy for them in all their sinful lifestyles? How much does that hurt Jesus if I don’t speak up for his truth and their souls? I love Jesus too much not to, but I’m sure whatever is said will not be taken well. Or is it better to just not involve ourselves with people in these lifestyles, which would be difficult to do with family? Thank you for your help. – B.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC
A: Your e-mail sums up one of the biggest challenges that faithful Catholics face today: how to live with paganism on all sides.
If only every Christian took to heart the words of Jesus: “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven” (Matthew 7:21).
Whole books have been written on the decline of morality in recent decades. The roots of the rot go back centuries.
So, what to do? A few observations might help.
First, recognize that this era isn’t unique, in the sense that every age of the Church has had its problems.
The early centuries saw the rise of heresies. Later centuries saw their share of scandals, everything from cohabitating clergy to corrupt popes to abusers of all stripes.
Why mention this? Because it reminds us that the Church has always survived, even from its self-inflicted wounds. This should give you grounds for hope.
Next, keep your own focus on Jesus and the sacraments and works of charity. Your own growth in holiness is the best thing you can do for your family and friends. Think about doing Eucharistic adoration each week.
As for dealing with family and friends, it helps to have a strategy.
Try to cultivate a network of friends who take their faith seriously. Don’t limit your social life to family and existing friends who are tepid or cold in their faith.
You might find practicing Catholics in pro-life groups or women’s groups such as Walking With Purpose. Or think about attending events organized by various ecclesial groups, such as Opus Dei or our own Regnum Christi.
You might also dedicate yourself to helping an apostolate, such as a classical education school that might be forming in your area (for instance, the Chesterton Academy).
Or, if nothing seems immediately available, start a Bible study in your parish. Or start a group that studies Church documents.
Little by little, as you get involved with Catholic projects, your center of gravity will shift.
This isn’t to suggest that you should cut off ties with wayward relatives and friends.
But you want to be on guard. Either you start to evangelize them, or they could end up secularizing you. Either you get the bear or the bear gets you.
In a word, try to be more intentional about what you speak about when you are with them.
You don’t want to go the route of smiling and semi-nodding when they talk about their cohabitating kids and IVF-conceived grandkids.
So be proactive. “Hey, Sue, I was reading this article the other day about that Alabama case about IVF, and it really hit me that, yeah, these tiny little human beings are just sitting in freezers …”
That kind of talk sends a message to others about where you stand on IVF.
You might even think of sending links to articles after a conversation, to help people understand why the Church teaches what it teaches.
All this will take a bit of courage and prudence, no doubt. But at least everyone will know where you stand. And that might give them something to think about.
For related reading, a book by my colleague Father Bartunek might help, Go! 30 Meditations on How Best to Love Your Neighbor as Yourself.
In the meantime, intensify your prayers for your kin. If it helps, focus on just one relative who seems most open to Church teaching and try to build a relationship with him or her.
You might start a snowball effect. We can only hope.
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