“Ask a Priest: Unmarried, I Feel Stuck. What Do I Do?”
Q: I am in my early 30s and unmarried. I have always wanted to have a family, but I keep thinking lately that God wants something else for me, like religious or consecrated life, and that makes me sad, mad, frustrated and bitter. I don’t want to be forced to go to religious life, but I also don’t want to feel guilty my whole life being married if that isn’t what God wanted for me. I feel stuck in life and like I am walking on eggshells, and I cannot make a good decision or meet someone to marry or have peace about any other vocation. It is really taxing. What do I do? I don’t want to live with this constant anxiety or suffering or fear. – O.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC
A: It’s understandable that you have a desire for marriage and a family. Those are beautiful parts of God’s creation.
An important clarification is worth making: Religious life isn’t some kind of default vocation for people who haven’t been able to find spouses.
A vocation to religious life is a call from God to follow him in a distinct way. He calls gently, in moments of calm.
If the very idea of a religious vocation makes you sad and mad and bitter, that might be a sign that it isn’t for you.
Without knowing much about your situation, I can only offer general counsel.
First, we all have a need to love and to be loved. This is part of being human.
So, the first piece of advice is to look for ways you can express your love. Get involved in volunteer work. Help at the parish. Assist at a soup kitchen. Visit shut-ins or residents in nursing homes.
The idea here is not to put your life on hold. Put your energies and heart into doing things for others. You will quickly realize how much you can give to people and how much they appreciate you.
Try to cultivate a network of good Catholic friends. Get involved in a Bible study or a Theology of the Body study circle. Attend lectures of solid Catholic speakers when they come to town.
And think of doing a retreat at a good Catholic center. Even a two- or three-day retreat can be of great help and give you time for serious prayer and spiritual direction.
Find a solid, regular confessor to guide you, and receive Communion as often as you can.
All this will help you keep a balance in your life and to dispel some of the loneliness you feel. By getting involved in various activities you might also improve your chance of meeting a nice guy.
If the anxiety and fear and frustration linger, you might consider a bit of counseling with a Catholic therapist.
And remember: You are a beloved daughter of God. He wants you to be joyful. He doesn’t want you walking on eggshells.
Count on my prayers.
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