“Ask a Priest: How Can I Forgive Myself?”
Q: I came back to the Catholic Church after 40 years of being away. First, I was evangelical, then gradually checked out other religions before ending up almost atheist. How can I forgive myself after a lifetime away? – G.M.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC
A: It’s good to hear that you have come back to the Church. It sounds as though you have received a great grace. Someone was probably praying for you.
You ask about forgiveness. It’s good to remember that it is God who offers us forgiveness. It’s his forgiveness that is primary. The good news is that God is always willing to forgive us if we are repentant.
If you have made a good confession, you should be confident that God has forgiven you.
And if the Creator of the universe can forgive you, why can’t you forgive yourself? It’s God whom you offended, not yourself. You shouldn’t feel as though you have to be more demanding than God.
If you feel sorrow over the past, then let that sorrow motivate you to live the rest of your life well.
If your sorrow is leaving you depressed and paralyzed, that inspiration isn’t coming from the Holy Spirit. It might be coming from the devil, who knows how to taunt us even after we repent.
The devil would love to see you stew about the past, and to squander the gift of God’s mercy. Don’t give the devil something to chuckle about.
You might want to incorporate some reparation into what you do, now that you have come back to the Church. If your past impacted anyone negatively, seek apostolates that help you impact people positively.
For instance, it would be good to dedicate yourself to some kind of evangelization effort, such as door-to-door missions. Get involved in things that help strengthen your own faith and help you reach out to others, to help them avoid the trap of neglecting their faith.
There is no time like the present to dedicate yourself to building the Church.
It will require, though, that you have a solid prayer life and sacramental life. You might consider adding daily Masses and spiritual reading and frequent confession to your schedule. All this will help you be confident that God has a mission for you now.
If you need a patron, try St. Paul. He used to persecute the Church, but then received a great grace from God and went on to become one of the greatest apostles of all time.
At a practical level, start listening to Catholic radio. Let the faith seep into your bones … and heart.
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