“Ask a Priest: Since Marriage Isn’t Eternal, Is It Worthwhile?”
Q: I am only 18, and my Catholic foundation is admittedly rocky on this subject. I have been feeling a deeper calling to my faith as of late, but cannot get over one matter that has consumed my thoughts for nearly a month: marriage. And not just marriage. But the irrational feeling that my future wife would die young. This was triggered when I read that earthly spouses will not have a similar relationship in heaven, which makes me feel that marriage is empty and somewhat pointless in the end. I always wanted to get married, but now I don’t know what to think. I have wondered if this is a calling to the religious life. If you could offer any thoughts or resources that could be useful I would greatly appreciate it. – N.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC
A: It is good to remember that marriage (between Christians) is a sacrament, which means that it points to something beyond itself. It is also a special conduit for God’s graces.
Marriage is an icon — an image if you will — of the love that unites the three Persons of the Trinity. It is also the means by which spouses cooperate with God in raising up new human life in the world.
True, marriage doesn’t last into heaven. But that is because no one will need it in heaven: There we will encounter the ultimate object of our love, God.
This doesn’t mean marriage doesn’t have any value. It is a foretaste of the love that awaits us in heaven.
If marriage didn’t have value because it doesn’t last for eternity, then nothing in this world really has value. But that seems to go against our intuitions. Things in this world are important. The way we choose to live is important. Our decisions have ramifications for our eternal destiny.
A better way of thinking might be this: We are pilgrims in this world, and we should make choices with an eye toward eternity. We should choose things that help us reach our ultimate end, which is union with God.
One of the great helps, for the vast majority of people, is marriage. It helps people get over their selfishness. It demands sacrificial love of spouses for each other and for their children. And a loving marriage gives a stable environment within which to raise children, as well as a great witness to the wider community.
Moreover, it is God’s chosen way of bringing new human life into the world. Remember his first command to the first couple: “Be fertile and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). You could read more about marriage in the Catechism, starting at No. 1601.
All of this is to say that marriage is by no means insignificant. It is a bedrock of any healthy society.
Now, returning to your particular situation: You mention about an “irrational feeling” that your future wife would die young.
True, there are no guarantees in marriage. Marriage requires faith in a loving God and his providence. It also demands that we go beyond the limits of our at-times narrow way of thinking.
Marriage is something of a leap of faith, for it calls people to venture into the unknown.
As such, it can make people vulnerable — hence we use the term “falling in love.” When we are falling, we feel helpless. That is part of the thrill of love. A person opens himself to another person who will accept and love him in return.
We all need to make a leap of faith sometime, whether we are called to marriage or priestly or religious life or even a path such as the military. At some point, we realize that unless we make a commitment to someone or something outside of ourselves, we will remain self-centered and become stagnant.
Perhaps it is worth taking some of this to prayer and asking the Holy Spirit for enlightenment. What is the basis of your fears? Are you afraid to be vulnerable? to have trust in God? to give of yourself to others?
Remember Jesus’ words, “Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit” (John 12:24).
Perhaps you might find our “Be Not Afraid“ online retreat guide useful. I hope some of this helps.
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The Legionaries of Christ have run a course for diocesan and religious seminary formators from around the world for 28 years. This summer’s course had 86 participants from 27 countries.
“This course opened my eyes to the need to evangelize, but above all to the need to witness to the priestly life. The people of God expect much from us. We must be able to bring people closer to God for the sanctity of our life, “said Fr. Yesse Jean-Noel, of the Diocese of Berberati, Central African Republic.
The month included a workshop on discernment. This workshop included the following presentations: “Christian Discernment” by Fr. Raffaele Di Muro, OFMConv, “Vocational Discernment” by Fr. Armando Santoro, OMV, “Discernment and affectivity” Fr. Amadeo Cencini, FdCC, and finally, “Discernment and conscience” by Msgr. Raffaelo Martinelli.
The course was directed by Fr. Alex Yeung, LC, with the help of another Legionary priest and 14 Legionary brothers studying theology who helped with secretarial work, administration, simultaneous translation, logistics, and liturgy.