August 28, 2018

Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What If a Catholic Campus Has an LGBTQ Club?”

Q: In the fall, my oldest son is going off to college at a Catholic university. For various reasons we love this school and feel that it is a good fit for our son. However, at our recent visit for freshman orientation, I was very surprised to find out that there is an LGBTQ club on campus. I find it hard to understand why a Catholic university is allowing for a club that is in direct moral conflict with Church teachings. I have always taught my children that all people deserve dignity and respect because we are all children of God. Yet, there is moral truth. I know that my children have to maneuver through the waters of an ever-changing and diverse culture in society, and I have tried my best to root my children in Catholic teaching. However, doesn’t permitting this club on a Catholic campus send our young people mixed messages regarding Church teachings on this issue? Do you have any recommendations for students or parents to handle or respond to this issue? – K.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: What you have learned firsthand is the tip of the iceberg of problems that have plagued many Catholic campuses for decades: a rising tide of secularism and a concomitant watering down of the faith.

The problem you mention is all too common nowadays. Unfortunately, there is no quick and simple solution.

You mention that, for various reasons, you love this school and thought it was a good fit for your son. Perhaps it would be good to step back and ask yourself a few questions. Did you do any research into the school before your son applied? Or were you going on past memories of the place?

Many problems with the religious identity of Catholic colleges in the U.S. can be traced back to the 1967 Land O’Lakes Statement, which marked a decision by a number of high-profile Catholic institutions to blaze a new trail in higher education. (For background, see a National Catholic Register article from 2017).

The 1967 document helped to fuel a secular trend on many Catholic campuses in the name of modernization. This secularization grew stronger with age. Yet many Catholics continued to send their children and money to these campuses which failed to uphold truths of the faith.

Among the responses to the problem was Pope St. John Paul II’s 1990 apostolic constitution Ex Corde Ecclesiae and the norms for its subsequent application in the United States. That is a lightning-quick overview of the problem.

How might you proceed? Perhaps a few suggestions might help.

First, if your son still intends to go to this school, you might encourage him to find a support network that will help him live his faith on campus. This means connecting with good Catholic students and perhaps a solid chaplain or even a good, off-campus parish priest.

This LGBTQ aspect of the college’s culture is certainly disturbing, but perhaps there are no better options, from your perspective. If that is the case, try to stay in touch your son throughout his college career to ensure he has access to authentic Catholic teaching.

Second, it might be good to rethink at some point in the future (say, in six to nine months) whether it might be better for your son to look elsewhere to continue his college education. Part of that reflection could involve his contacting the college to hear how it explains the apparent contradiction between campus culture and the Catholic faith.

Third, you might want to educate yourself further on the problems in Catholic education. One resource is the Cardinal Newman Society. It is a group that has had its share of opposition. But you could judge its merits for yourself.

Also helpful to educate yourself more about how best to talk about this particular issue is the video “The Third Way.”

In the meantime, you might want to intensify your prayer life for your son. Count on my prayers.

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Retreat Center Offers Marriage Renewal Based on Emotionally Focused Therapy

Our Lady of Bethesda Retreat Center, run by Regnum Christi, has begun a new set of marriage renewal weekends based on emotionally focused therapy. This combines faith and psychology to offer couples an opportunity for renewing their relationship.

What made this retreat different from most other Marriage Renewal events was that it was based on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). EFT shaped everything in the retreat providing the structure and a large part of the content.

Our Lady of Bethesda, on the Maryland side of the DC metro area, has run 2 weekends so far with 38 couples.

One Couple on Retreat

Samantha Davies went to the retreat with her husband Steve who had just celebrated 20 years of marriage. She felt that her life was too hectic with their kids and all the demands of life so they didn’t have enough time for each other. They also had a few specific points to focus on. This was pointed our to them by their spiritual director, Fr. Stephen Ellis, LC.

Asked to describe the retreat, Samantha said, “It very beautiful. It was very unifying for us. My husband went on the retreat very doubtful that it would help us resolve our conflicts.” Before they had been on typical marriage retreats focusing on one thing like communication but didn’t go as deep and didn’t help them much. Samantha said that Steve was happily surprised after the fact by how much it helped.

“I had really been looking for an emotional connection,” explained Samantha, “I had really been pursuing a retreat like this to get that connection back.”

She continued describing the time after the retreat, “We found that when we left the retreat, there was a lot that we got from it and there were still some things that had to be unpacked afterward. I feel like it was a launching point to go more deeply. Now we are more unified and thankful for each other. We are back towards the closeness at the beginning of our marriage.”

Emotionally Focused Therapy

EFT has been shown extremely effective for couples. 90% of couples trying it see improvement and 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery. This is more than double the success rate of other couples therapy.

Dr. Jonathan Marcotte who helped facilitate the retreat described the process, “Dr. Susan Johnson has found that couples get caught in a cycle, they get caught in a dance. There is what she calls the ‘demon dialogues’ where one – either the man or the woman – in the couple becomes ‘the pursuer,’ who’s always pursuing a relationship. The other one is ‘the withdrawer’ who’s always trying to avoid conflict for the sake of improving the relationship.”

Dr. Marcotte went on to describe how such a cycle creates conflict. The goal of resolving relationships with EFT is to move the couple to see the cycle as the common enemy they can fight. For this, there is a lot of training in how to recognize a cycle and help the other get out.

Empathy plays a large role in EFT as that is a main path out of the cycle, explained Dr. Marcotte. Once they empathize, they can often see how their actions pushed the other person into an emotional place that caused a lot of conflict. They can then take responsibility for their actions.

Dr. Johnson created a weekend workshop to help couples with EFT, including certain key topics the couples need to work through.

The Marriage Renewal Retreats at Our Lady of Bethesda

The general structure of the weekend is around eight conversations. For each conversation, there is a 30-40 minute talk. After, they do a 5-15 minute role-play with a real couple to give the couple an idea what the conversation will look like. The role-play should help them go deep rather than stay on the surface. The couples have about an hour to go over one or two exercises in that conversation. This repeats for the eight conversations.

During the hour couples had to talk, a team of therapists trained in EFT was available for whenever a couple wanted help.

Samantha found these conversations helpful. She noted, “It required both spouses to be in tune with what the other spouse was experiencing which could be something completely different from what they are experiencing. It really helped each spouse to understand each other better and be empathetic to where the other spouse is. At the same time, the conversations touched on some emotional and deep topics.”

Dr. Marcotte explains how they adapted this for Our Lady of Bethesda Retreat Center, “We made it Catholic. We integrated things like renewing marriage vows and integrating Catholic teachings into each of the conversations.” This involved things like mentioning prayer, adding the spiritual level of intimacy to the section on intimacy, and a number of the speakers using spiritual elements in their talks.

The retreat had a team of psychologists on hand, creating a ratio of about 1 therapist per 3 or 4 couples. Fr John Paul Durán, LC, was the chaplain and the whole team at Our Lady of Bethesda welcomed the couples.

Samantha concluded her words, “This was the best marriage retreat we’ve ever been on. You just feel a little bit remiss… We’ve been married 20 years, Why have we never received some of these tools before now? I think everybody should do the retreat at some point.”

You can find out more about Our Lady of Bethesda’s events for married couples on their website.

Note: Steve and Samantha Davies were pseudonyms for obvious reasons.

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!