{"id":177931,"date":"2025-12-09T05:00:04","date_gmt":"2025-12-09T10:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/?p=177931"},"modified":"2025-08-20T12:56:34","modified_gmt":"2025-08-20T16:56:34","slug":"ask-a-priest-when-does-venting-become-sinful","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/ask-a-priest-when-does-venting-become-sinful\/","title":{"rendered":"“Ask a Priest: When Does Venting Become Sinful?”"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Q: When does venting about people turn into detraction? My wife and I often talk about difficult experiences in order to deal with them and to foster communication. However, occasionally we have bad days at work due to a co-worker\u2019s or customer\u2019s awful behavior (someone yells at us or insults us, for instance). Naturally, we carry this emotional burden home and have a need to share it to get over it. Moreover, I have bad experiences of unshared difficult experiences piling up and taking a toll on my mental health. But when does talking about others’ difficult behavior cross the line into sin and even serious sin? We have never even seen almost any of each other\u2019s co-workers and mainly just know them by their first names or their characteristics by which we have described them to each other (the \u201cold guy,\u201d the \u201cVietnamese woman,\u201d etc.). But sometimes we might go into detail how “that Bob was awful in this many ways to me today.\u201d So, what are your thoughts? I am conflicted about whether this is a sin, but then again remaining in silence about difficult experiences can easily snowball into huge resentments and even mental problems. \u2013 V.P.<\/address><\/blockquote>\n

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC<\/em>:<\/p>\n

First, if you detect “mental problems” on the horizon, it might be good to see a counselor.<\/p>\n

Second, you seem to present a false dilemma: either <\/i>you and your wife vent and speak badly about others, or <\/i>the resentments and mental problems grow.<\/p>\n

A few points are worth considering.<\/p>\n

For instance, when you vent, do you find yourself making judgments about other people? Are you quick to assume the worst of others? Are you sure of their motives?<\/p>\n

We are like icebergs in the ocean; we only see the tip of one another above the waves.<\/p>\n

Often, we have no idea what people are struggling with under the surface. They might have loved ones who are battling cancer. Or they might have severe financial or emotional problems.<\/p>\n

Then, ask yourself whether you and your wife really feel better after criticizing other people. Or could it be that venting simply feeds a spirit of negativity in your home?<\/p>\n

None of this means that you and your wife can’t share your problems. That is normal and healthy if done well.<\/p>\n

But you need to be careful about detraction. The Catechism says in No. 2477:

\u201cRespect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury.\u00a0He becomes guilty: […] of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them.\u201d<\/p>\n

Detraction can slip into grave sin, though it’s not easy where to draw the line.<\/p>\n

Another question is worth asking is: If speaking badly about someone was “only” a venial sin, would you keep doing it? If the answer is yes, there is a problem here.\u00a0<\/p>\n

People who deliberately choose to sin are closer to mortal sin than they realize.<\/p>\n

But let\u2019s step back and try a different approach.<\/p>\n

First, pray for the people you work with. Ask God for the patience each morning to get through the day with a spirit of charity for your co-workers and customers. And try to remember that Jesus loves each one of them.<\/p>\n

Second, if you feel you need to share something with your wife, stick to the facts.<\/p>\n

Rather than saying, “Bob showed his bossy self again by telling me how to rewrite the quarterly report,” try saying it this way: “I was told to rewrite the quarterly report, and that caught me by surprise. It was hard to concentrate the rest of the day.”<\/p>\n

The idea here is to avoid naming names and attributing bad motives to people.<\/p>\n

If you can avoid some of the negativity, it might help the atmosphere in your own home.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

You don\u2019t want to make your home a vent tank, but rather a place of joy and peace — ideally where everyone speaks well of others.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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Edward McIlmail, LC","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/485147bd811c2a8642adf1f1806f85f0adef2b00ef8ccabc9b46f8420af19e16?s=96&d=blank&r=g","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/485147bd811c2a8642adf1f1806f85f0adef2b00ef8ccabc9b46f8420af19e16?s=96&d=blank&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/485147bd811c2a8642adf1f1806f85f0adef2b00ef8ccabc9b46f8420af19e16?s=96&d=blank&r=g","caption":"Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC"},"description":"Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC, ordained to the priesthood in 2001, taught theology and Scripture at the then Mater Ecclesiae College in Rhode Island and is now a part-time chaplain at Overbrook Academy in Greenville, R.I. He holds degrees from Holy Apostles College and Seminary in Connecticut, the Regina Apostolorum Athenaeum in Rome, and Northwestern University in Illinois. He was an assistant publisher of the National Catholic Register and Faith & Family magazine and an editor of the Zenit news agency\u2019s English edition. He has written for\u00a0SpiritualDirection.com\u00a0and\u00a0ePriest. Fr. McIlmail also worked in spiritual retreats in the Northeast, New England, the Midwest, and the South\u00a0and assisted with mission work in Mexico. Born in Philadelphia, he worked in journalism and was active in the pro-life movement before entering the novitiate of the Legion of Christ in 1992. His contributions to RCSpirituality include responding to\u00a0Ask A Priest\u00a0questions and sharing his insights in our\u00a0Weekly Newsletter.","url":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/author\/emcilmail\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/177931","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/362"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=177931"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/177931\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/157773"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=177931"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=177931"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=177931"},{"taxonomy":"post_folder","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/post_folder?post=177931"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}