{"id":158153,"date":"2025-09-30T09:30:09","date_gmt":"2025-09-30T13:30:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/?p=158153"},"modified":"2024-12-02T12:32:12","modified_gmt":"2024-12-02T17:32:12","slug":"ask-a-priest-am-i-doomed-because-of-a-faulty-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/ask-a-priest-am-i-doomed-because-of-a-faulty-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"&#8220;Ask a Priest: Am I Doomed Because of a Faulty Marriage?&#8221;"},"content":{"rendered":"<blockquote>\n<address>Q: This year, after many years away from the faith, I turned back to God. It was on my heart to have the sacrament of reconciliation and eventually confirmation, so I scheduled an appointment with a priest. I was looking forward to this because I hadn\u2019t been to confession in about 30 years. The priest asked if I was married (yes, for 10 years). He then asked if we were married in the Church. I explained that because I wasn\u2019t living my faith at the time we got married, no, we did not get married in the Church. He said that because we weren\u2019t married in the Church, my husband and I are living in grave sin daily, and therefore there wasn\u2019t much point in hearing my confession. I understood this but didn\u2019t know what that had to do with my other sins. The priest said that the only way for me to have reconciliation was for my husband and I to have a marriage in the Church. He said that the process would take about a year, and during that time my husband and I needed to sleep separately and abstain from intimacy. I knew this would be a big ask for my husband because he is not religious at all. On a practical level, I also didn\u2019t think this was reasonable to ask of a married couple. When I mentioned this to my husband, he said that he would \u201cabsolutely not\u201d agree to it, and then he had some choice words about hypocrisy and grave sin within the Catholic Church itself. Now I know that reconciliation will forever be out of the question for me because of my marriage. Was this priest correct in what he told me? Am I really damned to hell because my husband won\u2019t agree to a Catholic marriage? \u2013 S.M.<\/p>\n<p class=\"m-4021602221989404838ydp69645e4cyiv5078300124ydpfd2d5a57yiv0421283852ydp3cd5237dmsonormal\" style=\"margin: 0in; margin-bottom: .0001pt; line-height: 115%;\">\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/address>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p><em>Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC<\/em> A:\u00a0It&#8217;s good that you feel drawn back to God and to the living of your faith. That shows that the Holy Spirit is trying to guide you. From what you say, it sounds as though the priest gave you sound advice. He was forthright about what you need to do to return to confession and communion. The conclusions you have drawn are a bit faulty, but we will return to that point. It is always good to understand the big picture when seeking advice on things like marriage. Marriage is a sacrament, and the Church as Christ&#8217;s special instrument in the world has been given the authority to safeguard the sacraments. A Catholic who wants to marry needs Church approval. This, in part, helps to ensure (in theory, at least) that the couple are prepared well for marriage. Since you didn\u2019t have proper approval, your marriage isn&#8217;t recognized by the Church and thus isn&#8217;t blessed by God. That is why you can&#8217;t licitly engage in intimate relations with your partner. The ideal would be to seek a convalidation (&#8220;blessing&#8221;) of the marriage. Your partner wouldn&#8217;t be required to convert. In the meantime, unless you separate or at least live as brother and sister, you continue to live in objectively grave sin, as the priest indicated. That is why you can&#8217;t receive absolution through confession. Absolution requires sorrow for <em>all <\/em>sins and the firm resolution to avoid sin. If your intention is to continue to be intimate with your partner, that means, ipso facto, you aren&#8217;t sorry for all your sins &#8212; and thus can&#8217;t be absolved of any of them. You mention that it&#8217;s a big ask for your partner to forgo intimacy for now. True. But the point of your request is so that you could return to the sacraments \u2014 which is something obviously important to you. His refusal, in effect, means he is making a far bigger ask of you: to forgo the sacraments so that he doesn\u2019t have to make a sacrifice. When two people really love each other, they want the best for each other. Christians want to help each other reach heaven. Is your partner helping you in this regard? The story isn&#8217;t over, though. The Holy Spirit can do wonders. You say that confession is forever out of the question because of your marriage. But there is always hope. You are on a journey and so is your partner. What seems impossible today might seem doable in the future. My short advice is to intensify your prayer life, attend Mass regularly (though refrain from Communion), and start offering sacrifices for your partner. Sacrifices could include fasting and other forms of mortification, such as cold showers. Those prayers and sacrifices might help to merit the graces needed to change your partner\u2019s heart. Cultivate a devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary through the rosary. She will intercede for you. I hope some of this helps. Count on my prayers. \u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Q: This year, after many years away from the faith, I turned back to God. 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Edward McIlmail, LC","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/485147bd811c2a8642adf1f1806f85f0adef2b00ef8ccabc9b46f8420af19e16?s=96&d=blank&r=g","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/485147bd811c2a8642adf1f1806f85f0adef2b00ef8ccabc9b46f8420af19e16?s=96&d=blank&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/485147bd811c2a8642adf1f1806f85f0adef2b00ef8ccabc9b46f8420af19e16?s=96&d=blank&r=g","caption":"Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC"},"description":"Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC, ordained to the priesthood in 2001, taught theology and Scripture at the then Mater Ecclesiae College in Rhode Island and is now a part-time chaplain at Overbrook Academy in Greenville, R.I. He holds degrees from Holy Apostles College and Seminary in Connecticut, the Regina Apostolorum Athenaeum in Rome, and Northwestern University in Illinois. He was an assistant publisher of the National Catholic Register and Faith &amp; Family magazine and an editor of the Zenit news agency\u2019s English edition. He has written for\u00a0SpiritualDirection.com\u00a0and\u00a0ePriest. Fr. McIlmail also worked in spiritual retreats in the Northeast, New England, the Midwest, and the South\u00a0and assisted with mission work in Mexico. Born in Philadelphia, he worked in journalism and was active in the pro-life movement before entering the novitiate of the Legion of Christ in 1992. His contributions to RCSpirituality include responding to\u00a0Ask A Priest\u00a0questions and sharing his insights in our\u00a0Weekly Newsletter.","url":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/author\/emcilmail\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/158153","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/362"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=158153"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/158153\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/157773"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=158153"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=158153"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=158153"},{"taxonomy":"post_folder","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/post_folder?post=158153"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}