{"id":153340,"date":"2021-11-16T10:30:37","date_gmt":"2021-11-16T15:30:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/ask-a-priest-how-can-i-deal-with-my-moms-illicit-relationship\/"},"modified":"2024-10-22T15:02:39","modified_gmt":"2024-10-22T19:02:39","slug":"ask-a-priest-how-can-i-deal-with-my-moms-illicit-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/ask-a-priest-how-can-i-deal-with-my-moms-illicit-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"“Ask a Priest: How Can I Deal With My Mom\u2019s Illicit Relationship?”"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
Q: I want to ask about how to deal with my mother who is twice divorced (once to my father and once to another man) and who for the past six years has been openly seeing a married man in a very small town. The man has been married nearly 30 years and has four children. He has been charged with five counts of felony theft by deception charges but was acquitted of all. He has repeatedly been very rude to my husband and myself. I do love my mother very much but find it hard to be involved with her in day-to-day life because of her choice of a boyfriend. It\u2019s hard to determine how to keep her in my life especially during the holidays because I simply feel uncomfortable being around her boyfriend, and I don\u2019t want to invite the pair of them to any functions because I feel that this would appear that I support their relationship when I do not. This has obviously put a strain on our mother\/daughter relationship and although I have prayed about this extensively, this is my first time reaching out for advice on the matter. Thanks so much for listening. \u2013 B.<\/address>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0I’m sorry to hear about the situation. It’s not uncommon nowadays for adult children to find their parents caught up in problematic relationships.<\/p>\n

You obviously love your mom. And love means helping other people face the truth.<\/p>\n

The truth is, as you know, that her relationship isn’t blessed by God. So, it is admirable that you don’t want to do anything that implies support for it.<\/p>\n

That can be your criterion: Continue to show your love for Mom, but draw the line at anything that implies consent to this relationship of hers.<\/p>\n

To put it in positive terms: You want her to get to heaven, and you want your husband and you to get to heaven. It won’t help anyone if your mom is encouraged to maintain the status quo.<\/p>\n

Your own priorities need to be God, then your husband, then the rest of the family. The best thing you can do for all your loved ones is for you to live your faith fully. You can’t let your relationship with your mom jeopardize your relation with Our Lord.<\/p>\n

A good first step is to intensify your prayers and sacrifices for her. Then, sit down with her for a heart-to-heart talk. If you sense that she is struggling with deep-seated issues, you might encourage her to seek out counseling with a solid Catholic therapist.<\/p>\n

You might want to let her know that she is welcome in your home, but that you can’t approve of her relationship in any way. Banning her boyfriend from your home might be the obvious way to underline your opposition.<\/p>\n

In this way, you put the ball in her court. Be prepared for pushback. She might not react well. She might even refuse to see you at the holidays.<\/p>\n

In that case, remain calm and charitable. And recall the words of Jesus: \u201cDo not think that I have come to bring peace upon the earth. I have come to bring not peace but the sword. For I have come to set a man \u2018against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and one\u2019s enemies will be those of his household\u2019” (Matthew 10:34-36).<\/p>\n

No matter what happens in the short term, you can still reach out to her via e-mail or phone calls. This might help her if that day arrives when her current romance collapses.<\/p>\n

I hope some of this helps. Count on my prayers.<\/p>\n

Keep learning more with <\/span>Ask a Priest<\/a><\/p>\n

Got a question? Need an answer?<\/h3>\n

Today\u2019s secular world throws curve balls at us all the time. AskACatholicPriest is a Q&A feature that anyone can use. Just type your question HERE<\/a>\u00a0and you will get a personal response back from one of our priests at RCSpirituality. You can ask about anything \u2013 liturgy, prayer, moral questions, current events\u2026 Our goal is simply to provide a trustworthy forum for dependable Catholic guidance and information. So go ahead and ask your question\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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Edward McIlmail, LC","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/485147bd811c2a8642adf1f1806f85f0adef2b00ef8ccabc9b46f8420af19e16?s=96&d=blank&r=g","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/485147bd811c2a8642adf1f1806f85f0adef2b00ef8ccabc9b46f8420af19e16?s=96&d=blank&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/485147bd811c2a8642adf1f1806f85f0adef2b00ef8ccabc9b46f8420af19e16?s=96&d=blank&r=g","caption":"Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC"},"description":"Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC, ordained to the priesthood in 2001, taught theology and Scripture at the then Mater Ecclesiae College in Rhode Island and is now a part-time chaplain at Overbrook Academy in Greenville, R.I. He holds degrees from Holy Apostles College and Seminary in Connecticut, the Regina Apostolorum Athenaeum in Rome, and Northwestern University in Illinois. He was an assistant publisher of the National Catholic Register and Faith & Family magazine and an editor of the Zenit news agency\u2019s English edition. He has written for\u00a0SpiritualDirection.com\u00a0and\u00a0ePriest. Fr. McIlmail also worked in spiritual retreats in the Northeast, New England, the Midwest, and the South\u00a0and assisted with mission work in Mexico. Born in Philadelphia, he worked in journalism and was active in the pro-life movement before entering the novitiate of the Legion of Christ in 1992. His contributions to RCSpirituality include responding to\u00a0Ask A Priest\u00a0questions and sharing his insights in our\u00a0Weekly Newsletter.","url":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/author\/emcilmail\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/153340","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/362"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=153340"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/153340\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/145952"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=153340"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=153340"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=153340"},{"taxonomy":"post_folder","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/post_folder?post=153340"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}