{"id":153150,"date":"2019-12-03T10:30:11","date_gmt":"2019-12-03T15:30:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/ask-a-priest-how-can-i-deal-with-my-mom-better\/"},"modified":"2024-10-22T15:08:19","modified_gmt":"2024-10-22T19:08:19","slug":"ask-a-priest-how-can-i-deal-with-my-mom-better","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/ask-a-priest-how-can-i-deal-with-my-mom-better\/","title":{"rendered":"“Ask a Priest: How Can I Deal With My Mom Better?”"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
Q: I know one of the Commandments is to honor your father and mother, but sometimes I get angry with my mother. She has a strong personality, and many times I find it difficult to get along with her. My mother is loving and has provided the best she could for me and has been supremely generous toward me in many aspects. There are times, however, when I just don\u2019t agree with some of her views or can\u2019t understand her, and this causes friction in our relationship. For example, she was able to help me and my husband with our firstborn, taking care of my daughter till the age of 2. However, during the entire time she was helping me, she would remind me of this almost daily and would act miserable at many times. There used to be bad fights because I felt helpless, not being able to afford childcare. Eventually, my husband and I, by the grace of God, were finally able to manage completely on our own. Many times, I feel that maybe my own fears and insecurities cause the friction in the relationship with my mother. How can I not get too sensitive with what she says to me and just let things go? Thank you. \u2013 J.A.<\/address>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0Friction between adults and their parents isn’t uncommon. We are, after all, individuals with different ways of looking at things.<\/p>\n

The Fourth Commandment calls us to honor our parents. It doesn’t demand that we agree with everything they say or do.<\/p>\n

In one sense it’s healthy that you and your mom don’t agree on everything. That means you both have your own identity.<\/p>\n

Perhaps the key to your specific situation is something you mention: “I feel that maybe my own fears and insecurities cause the friction in the relationship.”<\/p>\n

It might be good to examine that point more deeply. What are your fears and insecurities? What are their roots?<\/p>\n

Let me venture a guess: The solution here doesn’t lie with your mom. The solution depends on you.<\/em><\/p>\n

By your own words, your mom has been “supremely generous” toward you and helped with your own daughter at a crucial time. All this indicates that you have been greatly blessed by Our Lord.<\/p>\n

Notwithstanding the gifts we receive from God, fears and insecurities can leave us defensive. We might read too much into the things that people say to us.<\/p>\n

Part of the solution might be to accept yourself as you are, and to try to work on healthy ways of asserting yourself.<\/p>\n

Accepting yourself presupposes that you know yourself. To do this, take an honest look at your strengths and weaknesses.<\/p>\n

The next step — accepting yourself — means that you try to be at peace with yourself.\u00a0This doesn’t mean that you shrug your shoulders and say, “That’s the way I am, I can’t change.”<\/p>\n

Rather, you want to be able to say, “This is the way I am now. God loves me, but I know I need to improve in certain areas. But I’m not going to spend my energy beating up on myself or blaming other people for my problems. I’m going to work on forming better habits in my life, and I’m going to rely on prayer and the sacraments at every step of the way.”<\/p>\n

A next step would be to draw up a program of life. Think of it as a business plan for the soul.<\/p>\n

If you want to buy a house, you figure out your finances. You crunch numbers. You shop around for the right house and the right financing. You plan ahead. Why not do the same in the spiritual life, where the stakes are much higher?<\/p>\n

Here are two links that might get you started:<\/p>\n

https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.org\/en\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/29-Sec-2.5-The-Vocation-Statement-and-Program-of-Life.pdf<\/a><\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.regnumchristi.org\/en\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/Program-of-Life-Examples-and-Outline.pdf<\/a><\/p>\n

This article by my colleague Father Bartunek might help: https:\/\/www.spiritualdirection.com\/2009\/06\/30\/what-is-a-program-of-life-and-why-is-it-important-to-my-spiritual-progress<\/a><\/p>\n

Stay close to the Blessed Virgin Mary. And count on my prayers.<\/p>\n

Keep learning more with Ask a Priest<\/a><\/h3>\n

Got a question? Need an answer?<\/h3>\n

Today\u2019s secular world throws curve balls at us all the time. AskACatholicPriest is a Q&A feature that anyone can use. Just type in your question or send an email to AskAPriest@rcspiritual.wpenginepowered.com<\/a> and you will get a personal response back from one of our priests at RCSpirituality. You can ask about anything \u2013 liturgy, prayer, moral questions, current events\u2026 Our goal is simply to provide a trustworthy forum for dependable Catholic guidance and information. So go ahead and ask your question\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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Edward McIlmail, LC","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/485147bd811c2a8642adf1f1806f85f0adef2b00ef8ccabc9b46f8420af19e16?s=96&d=blank&r=g","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/485147bd811c2a8642adf1f1806f85f0adef2b00ef8ccabc9b46f8420af19e16?s=96&d=blank&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/485147bd811c2a8642adf1f1806f85f0adef2b00ef8ccabc9b46f8420af19e16?s=96&d=blank&r=g","caption":"Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC"},"description":"Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC, ordained to the priesthood in 2001, taught theology and Scripture at the then Mater Ecclesiae College in Rhode Island and is now a part-time chaplain at Overbrook Academy in Greenville, R.I. He holds degrees from Holy Apostles College and Seminary in Connecticut, the Regina Apostolorum Athenaeum in Rome, and Northwestern University in Illinois. He was an assistant publisher of the National Catholic Register and Faith & Family magazine and an editor of the Zenit news agency\u2019s English edition. He has written for\u00a0SpiritualDirection.com\u00a0and\u00a0ePriest. Fr. McIlmail also worked in spiritual retreats in the Northeast, New England, the Midwest, and the South\u00a0and assisted with mission work in Mexico. Born in Philadelphia, he worked in journalism and was active in the pro-life movement before entering the novitiate of the Legion of Christ in 1992. His contributions to RCSpirituality include responding to\u00a0Ask A Priest\u00a0questions and sharing his insights in our\u00a0Weekly Newsletter.","url":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/author\/emcilmail\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/153150","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/362"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=153150"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/153150\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/145952"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=153150"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=153150"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=153150"},{"taxonomy":"post_folder","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.regnumchristi.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/post_folder?post=153150"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}