As a parent, I’ve developed some unique talents. I can disassemble and pack up a snare drum practice pad in the time between when my son remembers that it’s band lesson day and when the bus arrives at our door (about 18 seconds). I can coordinate a weekend soccer schedule of three children playing on six different teams (and I’ve only shown up to a game with the wrong child once!). I can get a week’s worth of groceries for a family of seven during a single modern dance class. And I can tune a fiddle in a noisy ballet studio hallway. It’s a busy, busy life stage (that period when everyone’s in a thousand activities, but no one can drive themselves), but I’ve become pretty good at making every minute count.

 

Being a busy parent has made me very efficient at going and doing and getting things done, but over time, it’s made me pretty lousy at just being present.

 

I’ve been noticing that in all the different areas of my life, I struggle to be fully present in the moment; instead, I’m constantly demanding of myself what more or what else I should be doing. When it comes to my family and its busy schedule, I’ve got the virtues of Orderliness, Purposefulness, and Good Use of Time mastered, but the virtue that I really need to work on is the Virtue of Presence.

 

 

“Presence is about being one’s self for someone else; it is refusing the temptation to withdraw mentally and emotionally, but it is also an occasion for putting our own body’s weight and shape alongside the neighbour, the friend, the lover.” – James McClendon

 

If you, like me, struggle to pause once in a while in the chaos of a busy family life, here are some ways to practice the Virtue of Presence with your family, your neighbour, and with God.

 

The Hour(s) of Presence

 

We’ve got a pretty strict rule of not allowing phones at the dinner table. One day, my youngest daughter and I made a trip to the dollar store where she chose a basket that would house our phones during our meals, and since then she’s been unyieldingly firm in enforcing the law. However, lately I’ve been challenging myself to extend this half hour of Presence that we impose during mealtime. Could I set aside my phone and my projects when the children tumble into the house, home from school, hungry and tired and sometimes even wanting to talk? And what about after supper, when we’re all tempted to go our separate ways, withdrawing into our rooms or our screens? The habit of being truly present to each other during dinnertime is a great start towards the virtue of Presence, and the best part is, it makes me long for more.

 

Presence in the Blank Spaces

 

I don’t know exactly when it happened, but I’ve become one of those people who can’t stand to be doing nothing. Even when I’m in the grocery store express line, I’ll use the thirty or so seconds between the time I put my items on the conveyor belt and the time it’s my turn to pay to quickly check my texts and emails. I carry a book with me whenever I pick up the kids from soccer, just in case I might have to face the agony of having nothing to do for three minutes before practice is over. I often catch myself walking while scrolling through my phone; I read while I blow-dry my hair. Every single minute is filled right up.

 

And yet I am fully aware that if I fill up every minute, there’s no space for anything – or anybody – else; after all, it’s in the empty spaces between the seemingly more important transactions when meaningful encounters truly occur. In the empty spaces, I notice the tired mother in the check out line, who looks like she needs an encouraging smile. In the empty spaces, I chat with a new parent in front of the school, and find out that he is recently widowed. In the empty spaces, I make myself available for an encounter with my neighbour, and make myself open to the Ministry of Presence. 

 

As tempting as it is to fill the empty seconds and minutes with something – anything! – to do, I know that God needs me so save some space for an encounter with my neighbour. Perhaps it is Taylor Swift who said it best: “I’ve got a blank space, baby, and I’ll write your name.”

 

“Now. Here. This.”

 

This habit that I’ve developed as a parent, of staying and keeping efficiently busy, hasn’t had a positive impact on my prayer life. If there was ever a time when I excelled at sitting tranquilly and patiently in contemplation, those days are long behind me. Now when I sit to pray, I have to fight the urge to check my calendar, make up a to-do list, or simply let my active mind wander. The famous three words of Thomas Merton are especially appropriate and helpful in moments of distraction in prayer. “Now. Here. This.” I repeat these words, to myself and to God, to draw me back into this present moment, this present place, this present gift.

 

Monthly Virtue Resolution: 

 

Practise the Virtue of Presence in one area of your life this month. Whether it’s your interactions with your family, friends or colleagues, with strangers in the checkout line, or with God in prayer, try to give each encounter your undivided, undistracted attention.

 

Monthly Motto: “Now. Here. This.”