retreats

Retreat Center Offers Marriage Renewal Based on Emotionally Focused Therapy

Our Lady of Bethesda Retreat Center, run by Regnum Christi, has begun a new set of marriage renewal weekends based on emotionally focused therapy. This combines faith and psychology to offer couples an opportunity for renewing their relationship.

What made this retreat different from most other Marriage Renewal events was that it was based on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). EFT shaped everything in the retreat providing the structure and a large part of the content.

Our Lady of Bethesda, on the Maryland side of the DC metro area, has run 2 weekends so far with 38 couples.

One Couple on Retreat

Samantha Davies went to the retreat with her husband Steve who had just celebrated 20 years of marriage. She felt that her life was too hectic with their kids and all the demands of life so they didn’t have enough time for each other. They also had a few specific points to focus on. This was pointed our to them by their spiritual director, Fr. Stephen Ellis, LC.

Asked to describe the retreat, Samantha said, “It very beautiful. It was very unifying for us. My husband went on the retreat very doubtful that it would help us resolve our conflicts.” Before they had been on typical marriage retreats focusing on one thing like communication but didn’t go as deep and didn’t help them much. Samantha said that Steve was happily surprised after the fact by how much it helped.

“I had really been looking for an emotional connection,” explained Samantha, “I had really been pursuing a retreat like this to get that connection back.”

She continued describing the time after the retreat, “We found that when we left the retreat, there was a lot that we got from it and there were still some things that had to be unpacked afterward. I feel like it was a launching point to go more deeply. Now we are more unified and thankful for each other. We are back towards the closeness at the beginning of our marriage.”

Emotionally Focused Therapy

EFT has been shown extremely effective for couples. 90% of couples trying it see improvement and 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery. This is more than double the success rate of other couples therapy.

Dr. Jonathan Marcotte who helped facilitate the retreat described the process, “Dr. Susan Johnson has found that couples get caught in a cycle, they get caught in a dance. There is what she calls the ‘demon dialogues’ where one – either the man or the woman – in the couple becomes ‘the pursuer,’ who’s always pursuing a relationship. The other one is ‘the withdrawer’ who’s always trying to avoid conflict for the sake of improving the relationship.”

Dr. Marcotte went on to describe how such a cycle creates conflict. The goal of resolving relationships with EFT is to move the couple to see the cycle as the common enemy they can fight. For this, there is a lot of training in how to recognize a cycle and help the other get out.

Empathy plays a large role in EFT as that is a main path out of the cycle, explained Dr. Marcotte. Once they empathize, they can often see how their actions pushed the other person into an emotional place that caused a lot of conflict. They can then take responsibility for their actions.

Dr. Johnson created a weekend workshop to help couples with EFT, including certain key topics the couples need to work through.

The Marriage Renewal Retreats at Our Lady of Bethesda

The general structure of the weekend is around eight conversations. For each conversation, there is a 30-40 minute talk. After, they do a 5-15 minute role-play with a real couple to give the couple an idea what the conversation will look like. The role-play should help them go deep rather than stay on the surface. The couples have about an hour to go over one or two exercises in that conversation. This repeats for the eight conversations.

During the hour couples had to talk, a team of therapists trained in EFT was available for whenever a couple wanted help.

Samantha found these conversations helpful. She noted, “It required both spouses to be in tune with what the other spouse was experiencing which could be something completely different from what they are experiencing. It really helped each spouse to understand each other better and be empathetic to where the other spouse is. At the same time, the conversations touched on some emotional and deep topics.”

Dr. Marcotte explains how they adapted this for Our Lady of Bethesda Retreat Center, “We made it Catholic. We integrated things like renewing marriage vows and integrating Catholic teachings into each of the conversations.” This involved things like mentioning prayer, adding the spiritual level of intimacy to the section on intimacy, and a number of the speakers using spiritual elements in their talks.

The retreat had a team of psychologists on hand, creating a ratio of about 1 therapist per 3 or 4 couples. Fr John Paul Durán, LC, was the chaplain and the whole team at Our Lady of Bethesda welcomed the couples.

Samantha concluded her words, “This was the best marriage retreat we’ve ever been on. You just feel a little bit remiss… We’ve been married 20 years, Why have we never received some of these tools before now? I think everybody should do the retreat at some point.”

You can find out more about Our Lady of Bethesda’s events for married couples on their website.

Note: Steve and Samantha Davies were pseudonyms for obvious reasons.

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Six Days in Silence for the Soul

In our busy world, everyone looks forward to getting away for a week, but not often the way Mary Jo Kenny from Chicago is. This summer she is going on her first six-day Spiritual Exercises, a silent retreat run by the Regnum Christi Movement, which will be held July 24-29, 2018 at the Cardinal Strich House in Chicago.

Mary Jo, a Regnum Christi member, wife, and mother who has been attending annual three-day retreats for a long time, shares, “I am really looking forward to more silence, more immersion in God, and hopefully learning better how he speaks in my soul in prayer. I seem to leave three-day retreats wishing they were longer.” Even Mary Jo, who is serious about her spiritual life and developing a deep relationship with God, admits that while she is really looking forward to the six days of silence and prayer, “the prospect is a little scary – you know, the fears ‘will I be able to really open my soul?’ and ‘what will God ask of me?’”

What are the Spiritual Exercises?

Six days in silence

The traditional Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius are a silent retreat meant to go through four weeks, or more correctly, four stages which may each take about a week to explore. Each stage focusses on different mysteries of Christ. The popular three-day version gives a taste of each of the mysteries, while the six-day retreat offers the chance to go deeper into dialogue with God through each one.

The stages are:

Week One: A time of reflection on one’s life in the light of God’s limitless love for us. The retreatant sees and understands how their response to that love has been wounded by sin, they acknowledge the ways sin has affected their own relationship with God and repent of it and resolve to follow him with a renewed intention.

Week Two: The meditations and prayers of the second week teach participants how to follow Christ as apostles. They reflect on the mysteries of his life, preaching and ministry. Through this reflection, they allow God to lead them in changing their lives so that they love him more intimately and see how they can join him concretely in his evangelizing mission.

Week Three: Retreatants meditate on Christ’s Last Supper, passion, and death. Accompanying the Lord intimately in his suffering and in the gift of the Eucharist, they experience this ultimate expression of God’s love more deeply in their hearts and minds.

Week Four: Meditating on Jesus’ resurrection and his apparitions to his disciples, they experience themselves how Christ walks with them, and they set out to love and serve him in concrete ways in the world around them.

Following the tradition of Ignatian prayer, retreatants do not only meditate on these mysteries, they contemplate and discern. Contemplation, as St. Ignatius encouraged it, is more a movement of the heart than of the intellect. It is using the heart, imagination and emotions that God gives human beings to allow him to touch us deeply. Contemplation allows truths, that our mind believes to become realities, that our hearts and souls live and experience first-hand.

Discernment, or discernment of spirits as St. Ignatius called it, is a prayerful process of noticing the interior movements of our hearts and understanding where they come from and where they are leading us. These include our thoughts, imagination, emotions, desires, feelings, repulsions and attractions. By understanding this better, retreatants learn to listen to the voice of God in their lives and make decisions to act based on his will.

The silent retreat format unites the Church’s spiritual traditions like daily Mass, confession, adoration, the Liturgy of the Hours, the rosary, and the Stations of the Cross, with extended times of personal silent prayer. Each retreatant also meets one-on-one daily with the retreat director, a priest, who will guide them through the Spiritual Exercises, help them in the discernment of spirits, and provide personalized material for meditation.

The spiritual exercises are not simply a relaxed time of passively listening to talks and reading, but they require the active participation of the retreatant who applies their mind, will, memory, imagination, and whole heart to seeking Christ.

The priest’s perspective

Six days in silenceFr. Brett Taira, LC, who will be the retreat master in Chicago this summer, explains that for many people who are very familiar with the mysteries of Christ’s life and have an established life of prayer, only having three days to touch on all of them is not enough. They may feel they need more time and more silence to go deeper and unravel the mysteries of Christ that they only had time to touch on before. He gives an analogy, “If you only had three days to visit Rome, you would still be able to go everywhere and see all of the important places, but you wouldn’t have a lot of time to stay in any one spot for long or understand it very deeply. If you had a week, you would see more and your experience would be different, spending more time in the places that resonated more with you. That is essentially the difference between the three-day and six-day spiritual exercises, too.” However, Fr. Brett cautioned that the retreat is not a vacation. Being able to spend more time going deep into the mysteries of Christ’s love also means spending more time being uncomfortable in the mysteries of sin and the crucifixion.

The experience helps people see the mysteries of Christ in their own life, and understand more clearly how Christ is working in their souls. Daily spiritual direction with a priest is a part of that discernment. The hope is that after leaving the retreat, people have learned to see the mysteries of Christ that God makes present in their lives and how to live them by applying the discernment they used during the spiritual exercises.

Six days in silenceFr. Louis de Vaugelas, LC, who preaches the six-day Spiritual Exercises in the Ohio Valley, explains how the longer retreat is different than the three-day spiritual exercises which Regnum Christi runs over 100 of in various cities around the country every year. “You put yourself in special circumstances that give more space to the Creator to speak to your heart. You allow him to deal with you in a very unique way, investing your time in what he wants to do. After a few days, entering more deeply in the silence, your interior heart becomes more receptive to the voice of the Lord, and his voice becomes what you want to listen to. The silence is no longer uncomfortable, but a way to hear God’s voice.”

Even as a preacher, Fr. Louis finds the experience transformative, “In the two years that I have preached six-day retreats, I felt deeply evangelized by what the Lord is doing in each one of the participants and I felt that that the Lord uses them to teach me ‘the way of the heart’ in dealing with Jesus. He asks them what they are looking for, the way he asks Mary Magdalene at the tomb. He brings them to see the desires that are being shown through their emotions. Through their emotions, he reveals himself to them in a way that, like Mary Magdalene became the apostle to the apostles, those participants become apostles to me, allowing me to see the resurrected Christ in a way that is very transforming for me.”

Check here for a list of retreats near you.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Is It OK to Leave a Marriage If the Husband Isn’t a Spiritual Leader?”

Q: What do you do in a marriage situation where your husband is not the spiritual leader? As his wife, am I still bound to submission when he says and does things that are contrary to Christ and his teachings? If the husband is not faithful in matters of spirituality, or of the heart, or financially, is the wife still bound to the marriage? Thank you and God bless. -J.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I am sorry to hear that your marriage situation isn’t as good as it could be. I empathize with you.

There are various dimensions to your questions. Let me try to deal with them separately.

First, you mention that your husband isn’t the spiritual leader you want him to be. Granted, he might in fact seem to be closed off to all things spiritual. Is it also possible that he isn’t as far along in his spiritual life as you are? Perhaps he isn’t capable of more spiritual leadership right now, or perhaps he doesn’t even sense your disappointment, or doesn’t know how to live up to being the spiritual leader.

No one, men especially, wants to be seen as a failure. Men want to thrive, to live up to the task of being a man. Sometimes his image of what it is to be a man is skewed by his upbringing, the culture, and even his own weaknesses. His ability to do what he might desire deep down might also be hindered by his feeling the pressure to be spiritual or holy.

Men need to be encouraged — and yes, educated, and in small steps. The woman is so often more sensitive to spiritual things. This is a gift for her benefit and the benefit of others. In your deepening union with Jesus, you can add great spiritual warmth to your marriage and the family. You can radiate the attractiveness of what it is to be in love with Jesus. You might need to guide your husband with words. It might be helpful for him to go on a solid retreat, preferably a men’s retreat. Or, if he isn’t open to that, think about a couples retreat. There are marriage renewal events that could be helpful, too. Your husband might need a lot of positive feedback, so let him know when you appreciate the steps he is taking.

Here, I can’t help think of St. Monica. Besides a wayward son, she also had a very difficult marriage and through her perseverance in prayer and her love, she eventually won her son and her husband over to the faith. Ask her to intercede for you (see the novena prayer).

Second, no one is obliged to go against her conscience or Church teaching. There is a hierarchy of authority — and God comes first. If your husband asks something that goes against Church teaching, you need to educate him. It might be helpful to seek out counseling for serious, ongoing issues.

Third, marriage is meant to be for life. I’m not sure what you mean by not being faithful “in matters … of the heart.” Rather than speculate what you mean, I would say that you should try to work on the issues one by one. Certainly it is not easy to deal with someone in the areas you mention, but the alternatives (a separation or civil divorce) are not appealing. They could, in fact, lead to worse situations.

Rather than think in that direction, you might want to look into marriage counseling, preferably with a solid Catholic. Having a third party, an objective viewpoint, can help a lot. Working through the difficulties you are facing might be a way for both of you to grow together in the Lord. Every marriage has difficulties, and God will give you the grace you need to face them and make new discoveries through facing them.

In the meantime try to intensify your prayer life and sacramental life. Take confidence in the fact that your marriage is a sacramental bond. It is not only the two of you who are called to be faithful; the Lord is the first to commit his fidelity to both of you, especially in this difficult situation. This is a privileged moment to turn your aching heart to Our Lord. Cling to the divine Bridegroom, who is on the cross giving his life for you and for your husband, for your marriage. Stay close to the Blessed Virgin Mary, too.

For more reading, check out the materials of Gregory Popcak).

I hope some of this helps. Count on being included in one of my Mass intentions.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: How Can I Become a Saint?”

Q: I really want to be a saint. I want to serve Jesus and inspire others too. I want to love and adore Jesus like crazy, and live my life in a way that glorifies him. I want it so much! I read books about people who become saints, and it really inspires me. What can I do to become a holier person? -S.G.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good to hear that you want to love Our Lord and live a life that glorifies him. Holiness is a goal we should all be striving for. Jesus is probably giving you a lot of spiritual consolations as a way to draw you closer to him.

To maintain your focus on Jesus, you need to build on the solid ground of prayer, good works, and the sacraments. I mention this right away because those wonderful consolations you might be feeling right now will eventually evaporate.

There will come a moment – next week, next month or next year – when things suddenly seem dry and tough in the spiritual life. At that point you will wonder whether Jesus is giving up on you. He isn’t. And he won’t. When the consolations disappear, that will be a moment to mature in your love for Christ.

Which brings us back to that solid ground of the spiritual life. It would be good to dedicate times to prayer each day – morning, midday and evening – and then stick to the schedule. Prayer is the key to the spiritual life. You will progress only to the extent that you are united to Jesus. A helpful resource for the prayer life is The Better Part.

You might consider doing spiritual exercises (for more reading see here) of eight days or, if that isn’t practical, of three or four days. Or at least think about doing the online retreats at RC Spirituality.

It might be helpful to think about compiling a “program of life.” This is a kind of business plan for the spiritual life. You try to define your weaknesses and your strengths, and then you come up with a concrete plan to help weed out the former and build the latter. You could read more about the program of life here.

It helps, too, to get involved in some kind of Church-related project or volunteer work. A faith lived well will lead us to reach out to build the Church and help others.

Also helpful would be a spiritual director or regular confessor who could guide you on an ongoing basis. I hope some of this helps. God bless.

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!