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“Ask a Priest: Why does Jesus address his Mother as ‘woman’ in Scripture?”

August 13, 2023 / Ask a Priest, Mary

Q: At least twice in Scripture Christ calls his own mother “woman”: once at the wedding at Cana and again at the foot of the cross. That would normally be noted as being rude, disrespectful, and I wonder how that made Mary feel. Never in Scripture does he call her “mom.” -C.L.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Indeed, to modern ears Jesus’ addressing Mary as “woman” sounds a bit cold. But in Aramaic, the language in which Our Lord spoke, it was actually a term of respect — a normal, polite form of address, as the New American Bible observes in a footnote to John 2:4.

Jesus refers to his Mother in the same way from the cross (“Woman, behold, your son” — John 19:26). That context certainly shows the Jesus meant no disrespect for his beloved Mother, since he wanted to make sure that his beloved disciple would look after Mary after Our Lord’s death, resurrection and ascension into heaven.

The use of “woman” also recalls the language of Genesis 2:22-23 and the first woman in the world. Christian tradition refers to Mary as the new Eve, the mother of all the living. That recalls Mary’s exalted status in the Church and in the history of salvation as the Mother of the Redeemer. Thanks for your question and the opportunity to clarify a key Marian point. God bless.

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“Ask a Priest: How could Mary’s marriage to Joseph be considered valid when it was not consummated?”

July 19, 2023 / Ask a Priest, Mary

Q: As a non-Christian, I am baffled. Why was Mary’s marriage unconsummated? As it was not, how could it have been considered valid? And if it was not valid, how could it have been appropriate for her and Joseph to travel together? -D.G.K.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I appreciate your interest in Mary and your insightful question. Let me preface my comments by saying that what follows is based on faith, the testimony of Scripture, and the teaching authority of the Church, which is guided by the Holy Spirit. I cannot “prove” anything and won’t try to. I will just try to explain what the Church teaches.

The Blessed Virgin Mary has a special role in the history of salvation. She conceived Jesus through the work of the Holy Spirit. Part of God’s plan was that the earthly Mother who would give birth to his Son would remain a virgin all her life. Virginity and celibacy can point our gaze to the afterlife, when there will be no marriage or conjugal life as we understand them.

Mary’s motherhood was exceptional, and it should be no surprise that her marriage was exceptional too. In this case, true, Mary and Joseph never had conjugal relations. Given the extraordinary circumstances of the conception of Jesus, and what Scripture suggests as far as Mary’s intention, “It may be presumed that at the time of their betrothal there was an understanding between Joseph and Mary about the plan to live as a virgin.” So said Pope John Paul II at a general audience on Aug. 21, 1996.

In a 1989 document on St. Joseph, Redemptoris Custos, John Paul II wrote, “While clearly affirming that Jesus was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit, and that virginity remained intact in the marriage (cf. Mt 1:18-25; Lk 1:26-38), the evangelists refer to Joseph as Mary’s husband and to Mary as his wife (cf. Mt 1:16, 18-20, 24; Lk 1:27; 2:5). And while it is important for the Church to profess the virginal conception of Jesus, it is no less important to uphold Mary’s marriage to Joseph, because juridically Joseph’s fatherhood depends on it” (No. 7). The Pope adds in his 1996 audience, “Mary and Joseph’s communion of virginal love, although a special case linked with the concrete realization of the mystery of the Incarnation, was nevertheless a true marriage.”

The Church’s liturgy reflects this belief in the true marriage of Mary and Joseph. Four of the Eucharistic Prayers used at Mass refer to “blessed Joseph, her Spouse.”

For us Catholics, then, there is no question about the validity of the marriage. In the culture Jesus grew up, it was crucial for him to have a legal father and Mary a legal husband. And God’s grace assuredly allowed Mary and Joseph to live a celibate life together.

Admittedly theirs was a special marriage. But then, the Child they provided a home for was special too. I pray that you cultivate your interest in the Holy Family and the Catholic faith.

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“Ask a Priest: What Happened to My Mom Who Aborted My Sibling?”

July 15, 2022 / Ask a Priest, Family, Moral and Social Issues

Q: Eight years after I was born my mother aborted my little brother or sister. I know the hospital where this was done back in 1976. I have read some horrible stories about aborted babies being born alive. Both my parents are dead. This woman who was my mother is a baby killer and not a woman I’d consider my mother in any real sense of the word, nor was she Catholic so she never would have confessed her horrible crime. Is my mother in hell where she belongs? Is my brother or sister in heaven? Thank God Roe vs. Wade was overturned. Everybody acts like I’m a sick person caring for the unborn children. Thank you. – W.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I am very sorry to hear about the death of your sibling.

The Church teaches that we can have hope that unbaptized children are with Our Lord.

The Catechism in No. 1261 says:

“As regards children who have died without Baptism, the Church can only entrust them to the mercy of God, as she does in her funeral rites for them. Indeed, the great mercy of God who desires that all men should be saved, and Jesus’ tenderness toward children which caused him to say: ‘Let the children come to me, do not hinder them,’ allow us to hope that there is a way of salvation for children who have died without Baptism. All the more urgent is the Church’s call not to prevent little children coming to Christ through the gift of holy Baptism.”

As for your mom: It’s better not to be so harsh on her. God alone knew the state of her soul when she died. God alone knew the interior struggles she faced.

Since your mom wasn’t Catholic, she didn’t have the same access to the sacraments that you and I enjoy. She might have had fewer graces along her path through life.

Imagine if she, by chance, had read St. John Paul II’s encyclical Evangelium Vitae and came across these lines in section No. 99:

“I would now like to say a special word to women who have had an abortion. The Church is aware of the many factors which may have influenced your decision, and she does not doubt that in many cases it was a painful and even shattering decision. The wound in your heart may not yet have healed.

“Certainly what happened was and remains terribly wrong. But do not give in to discouragement and do not lose hope. Try rather to understand what happened and face it honestly. If you have not already done so, give yourselves over with humility and trust to repentance. The Father of mercies is ready to give you his forgiveness and his peace in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

“To the same Father and his mercy you can with sure hope entrust your child. With the friendly and expert help and advice of other people, and as a result of your own painful experience, you can be among the most eloquent defenders of everyone’s right to life. Through your commitment to life, whether by accepting the birth of other children or by welcoming and caring for those most in need of someone to be close to them, you will become promoters of a new way of looking at human life.”

In any case, Jesus loved your mom and died for her redemption, too.

And whatever else she might have done, she was still your mom. So it would be good to pray for her soul. Basic Christian charity demands that we all hope for the best for everyone.

Perhaps she repented before her death and is in purgatory and needs prayers to be released into heaven.

With God’s grace you could have a happy reunion with her someday.

I hope that some of this helps. Count on my prayers.

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“Ask a Priest: What If Mom Wants Her Ashes Scattered?”

April 1, 2022 / Ask a Priest, General

Q: I am wandering about what to do when my mother passes, with respect to her remains. My mother is a devout Catholic, or rather has been all her life until she developed dementia. Her wish when she passes is to be cremated and have her ashes placed over her mother’s grave in Ireland and her dearest sister’s grave in Canada. My father recently passed, and I was advised that I had to have his remains interned or he could not receive the last blessing and furthermore that Catholics don’t believe in the scattering of ashes. I really want to honor my mother’s wishes while respecting her faith as a Catholic, but as you can see, the two are in conflict. I know that it wasn’t long ago that cremation was not condoned by the Church, so I am a little reluctant to deny my mother’s wishes based on a condition that may very well change. As you can appreciate, my mother cannot engage in a conversation about this. Your thoughts on this will be very much appreciated. – C.T.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s dementia. It must be heartbreaking to see her in decline.

You mention that your mom has been a devout Catholic. My guess is that as a devout Catholic she would want to be faithful to what the Church teaches. In her present state of mind, she simply might not understand all the implications of what she is asking.

The Church allows cremation, but not if it reflects a disbelief in the resurrection of the body. That might not be the problem in this case.

The Church stipulates that ashes must be buried in a grave or entombed in a mausoleum or columbarium. They cannot, as you mentioned, be scattered. We need to show respect for the remains, just as we would for the body of a deceased loved one.

Moreover, when someone’s ashes are scattered, the loved ones who survive have no specific place to visit (no specific gravesite) to pay their respects, remember their deceased loved ones, and honor them.

To honor your mother’s desire, you could promise to go and lay a wreath on the graves of her mother and sister, or offer to have Masses said for them, or any number of other creative alternatives that could achieve the desire of your mother without contradicting the Church’s wise teaching about our earthly remains.

For further reading you could look at postings, one by the Holy See, one by the U.S. bishops’ conference.

Coming back to the point of your mom’s devoutness: It might be good to reassure her (as best she could understand) that she can show her devoutness by obeying the Church’s norms on cremation.

In any case, a Catholic couldn’t licitly cooperate in the scattering of ashes, no matter what a loved one’s wishes are.

It might be good to intensify your prayer for your mom. This is where you show the true love of a daughter. Count on my prayers.

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“Ask a Priest: What If I Didn’t Feel Sorrow at My Dad’s Death?”

May 15, 2020 / Ask a Priest, Family

Q: I’m a Catholic living in accord with Church teachings. My 92-year-old father died last Christmas. I did not feel the normal sense of sorrow or loss upon hearing of his passing. There are still no tears. Till age 16, I experienced mostly verbal and physical abuse from him. It was around that time I began a program of physical fitness with the goal of joining the Armed Forces. That stopped the physical abuse, mostly because I became too strong for him. Subsequently, I entered the U.S. Army, met my wife while in service, and in my 31 years of service, I had little to no contact with my father. Routinely, I’d speak with him on the phone when I called my mother from various duty stations across the world. These conversations were amicable, centered on the politics of the day, or books. However, this did not bring us closer, and he never asked for my forgiveness. I think he lacked the capacity to seek forgiveness. Neither of my parents are Christian. In my three decades of military service, I saw my parents three or four times. Frankly, I never missed them then, any more than I do now. As a conscious act of volition, I have gone to God in prayer. I asked Jesus to remove the hurt and pain in my life caused by my father. My mother is still alive but feeble. She knows how I feel about my father. She stood by him for all her life, and I see her mostly as an enabler. I guess what I’m asking is, what ought to be my spiritual or emotional response? I have grown sons of my own serving in the military. Neither of them have had any contact with their grandparents. I think I have forgiven both of my parents consciously. Still, there is no emotion about either of them. I don’t want to hate them. I see them as failed products of their culture. Any light you shed on my situation will be helpful. Thank you. – P.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It sounds as though you have already done the right thing by making an act of the will to forgive your dad and mom. That is the key element of forgiveness.

If you didn’t feel sorrowful feelings at his death, then just accept that. We can’t always control our feelings (or lack of them). There is no need to fake feelings that simply aren’t there.

Perhaps what you could do is pray for the soul of your dad, and at least keep in contact with your mom. And pray for her, too.

Your mom might have had her own cross all these years, dealing with your dad. There is something to be said for spouses who stay faithful to each other through many years.

One other thing that might help is to realize that your dad might have wrestled with his own problems. Perhaps he had a tough childhood and an abusive relative in his life. His abuse toward you might have been part of the tragic way he learned to deal with things.

Moreover, he and your mom, not being Christians, never had the grace of baptism or the other sacraments to help them.

At any rate, anything you can do as a sign of respect for your parents will be a good example to your own sons.

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“Ask a Priest: How Can I Deal With My Mom Better?”

December 3, 2019 / Ask a Priest, Family

Q: I know one of the Commandments is to honor your father and mother, but sometimes I get angry with my mother. She has a strong personality, and many times I find it difficult to get along with her. My mother is loving and has provided the best she could for me and has been supremely generous toward me in many aspects. There are times, however, when I just don’t agree with some of her views or can’t understand her, and this causes friction in our relationship. For example, she was able to help me and my husband with our firstborn, taking care of my daughter till the age of 2. However, during the entire time she was helping me, she would remind me of this almost daily and would act miserable at many times. There used to be bad fights because I felt helpless, not being able to afford childcare. Eventually, my husband and I, by the grace of God, were finally able to manage completely on our own. Many times, I feel that maybe my own fears and insecurities cause the friction in the relationship with my mother. How can I not get too sensitive with what she says to me and just let things go? Thank you. – J.A.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Friction between adults and their parents isn’t uncommon. We are, after all, individuals with different ways of looking at things.

The Fourth Commandment calls us to honor our parents. It doesn’t demand that we agree with everything they say or do.

In one sense it’s healthy that you and your mom don’t agree on everything. That means you both have your own identity.

Perhaps the key to your specific situation is something you mention: “I feel that maybe my own fears and insecurities cause the friction in the relationship.”

It might be good to examine that point more deeply. What are your fears and insecurities? What are their roots?

Let me venture a guess: The solution here doesn’t lie with your mom. The solution depends on you.

By your own words, your mom has been “supremely generous” toward you and helped with your own daughter at a crucial time. All this indicates that you have been greatly blessed by Our Lord.

Notwithstanding the gifts we receive from God, fears and insecurities can leave us defensive. We might read too much into the things that people say to us.

Part of the solution might be to accept yourself as you are, and to try to work on healthy ways of asserting yourself.

Accepting yourself presupposes that you know yourself. To do this, take an honest look at your strengths and weaknesses.

The next step — accepting yourself — means that you try to be at peace with yourself. This doesn’t mean that you shrug your shoulders and say, “That’s the way I am, I can’t change.”

Rather, you want to be able to say, “This is the way I am now. God loves me, but I know I need to improve in certain areas. But I’m not going to spend my energy beating up on myself or blaming other people for my problems. I’m going to work on forming better habits in my life, and I’m going to rely on prayer and the sacraments at every step of the way.”

A next step would be to draw up a program of life. Think of it as a business plan for the soul.

If you want to buy a house, you figure out your finances. You crunch numbers. You shop around for the right house and the right financing. You plan ahead. Why not do the same in the spiritual life, where the stakes are much higher?

Here are two links that might get you started:

https://www.regnumchristi.org/en/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/29-Sec-2.5-The-Vocation-Statement-and-Program-of-Life.pdf

http://www.regnumchristi.org/en/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/Program-of-Life-Examples-and-Outline.pdf

This article by my colleague Father Bartunek might help: https://www.spiritualdirection.com/2009/06/30/what-is-a-program-of-life-and-why-is-it-important-to-my-spiritual-progress

Stay close to the Blessed Virgin Mary. And count on my prayers.

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Mother

“Ask a Priest: Why does Jesus address his Mother as ‘woman’ in Scripture?”

Got a question? Need an answer?

“Ask a Priest: How could Mary’s marriage to Joseph be considered valid when it was not consummated?”

Got a question? Need an answer?

“Ask a Priest: What Happened to My Mom Who Aborted My Sibling?”

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“Ask a Priest: What If Mom Wants Her Ashes Scattered?”

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“Ask a Priest: What If I Didn’t Feel Sorrow at My Dad’s Death?”

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“Ask a Priest: How Can I Deal With My Mom Better?”

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Alex Kucera

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