mercy

Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Where’s the Justice If a Fiend Can Repent and Gain Heaven?”

Q: I am going through a bumpy process of getting closer to the Church and God, and there are still some things I struggle with. One of those is how can we reconcile God’s justice with the fact that one can get condemned for eternity for just one isolated mortal sin whereas others can make it to heaven simply because they had time to repent for their heinous lifetime. For example, suppose there is a devout and good Catholic man whose every day is pleasing to God, but the very day he dies in a car accident he also happens to have had sex with his girlfriend because they failed to overcome their desire. Then you have a lifelong murderer-rapist-pedophile who repents, say, while in prison and could possibly even get a plenary indulgence. So the latter goes straight to heaven while the former ends up in hell for literally one lapse. Now I am aware that God’s thoughts are not our thoughts and his ways are not our ways, but this is so fundamentally contrary to our common concept of what it means to be just that, frankly, it makes me think that the justice we attribute to God has nothing to do whatsoever with our human, day-to-day understanding thereof and is thus — from our perspective — devoid of any real or tangible meaning. I would be grateful if you could try to clear things up even a little bit. – Igor

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Perhaps the answer to your basic question could focus on your phrase that “this is so fundamentally contrary to our common concept of what it means to be just” [italics mine].

To put things in perspective, it is good to remember that God, in justice, could have given up on mankind a long time ago. He could have abandoned the world to sin after the fall of Adam and Eve. But God chose to be merciful and to send us a redeemer.

Every time he forgives us our sins, he is going “beyond the call of duty,” so to speak.

Your instinct that the justice we attribute to God doesn’t have much to do with our human understanding of the term does have some validity. Justice and mercy in God are so far above our grasp of justice and mercy that we can’t really understand what these qualities are like in the Almighty. But that’s not because the terms lack any meaning; rather, the qualities we might assign to God are at an infinitely higher level.

Now, to your specific scenarios:

Mortal sin by definition involves a deliberate choice to offend Our Lord in a grievous way. In other words, it involves a conscious — whether implicit or explicit — rejection of God’s friendship.

That means that the loss of a soul isn’t a case of God sending someone to hell as much as it is a person choosing to live outside of God’s friendship and staying firm in that choice up until the moment of death. This is why Jesus warns us to be vigilant, “for you know neither the day nor the hour” (Matthew 25:13) when the moment of our death will arrive.

God respects the decision of someone who freely rejects him through grievous sin. Thus he allows a person to feel the consequences should that person die in a state of mortal sin.

Likewise, God’s mercy is boundless to those still in this world. Hence, even a grievous sinner can repent and attain salvation. Here it might be good to meditate a bit on Matthew 20:1-16, the parable of the workers in the vineyard.

God’s generosity can be extraordinary. Any “problem” that we have with that is not a sign of a shortcoming on God’s part but on ours. We can become so accustomed to the idea of morality as a system of rules and punishments that we miss the deeper, divine mercy that holds the world together.

For more insight into God’s mercy, you might want to read: The Return of the Prodigal Son, oDives in Misericordia.

You also might find it useful to go through the various Retreat Guides we have published that touch on God’s mercy: Fire of Mercy, Miracles of Mercy, Messenger of Mercy, The Dawn of Mercy, Father of Mercies, and From Sorrow to Joy.

Perhaps you want to give God the benefit of the doubt and see whether the Holy Spirit is inviting you to appreciate ever more his great mercy. That mercy is what gives us hope.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: How Can I Help My Sister Who Had an Abortion?”

Q: I have a strong desire to invite my sister to return to the Church and the sacraments. I see her searching for community and belonging! However, she had an abortion many years ago and feels excommunicated from the Church. I know she is still burdened with this mortal sin. My first thought is to tell her to go to confession, but I’m not sure it’s that simple! If I invite her to return, what Church guidelines can I use? I know of a strong faith community as well as a seminary in her town. I sense that she could find spiritual direction, but again I’m not sure what encouragement to give her. – T.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It sounds as though the Holy Spirit is already working in your sister’s heart. Her search for community and belonging is what the Church is about.

Despite the tragedy of the abortion, she remains a beloved daughter of the Church. She just needs to be encouraged to approach the sacrament of confession, as you mention. The priest isn’t going to reject her. Rather, he will be happy to be a minister of God’s mercy.

Your sister could benefit from healing at various levels. It might help her a lot to do a retreat with Rachel’s Vineyard. There might be one in her area. Or perhaps her own diocese offers retreats for post-abortion women.

In the meantime, you could perhaps invite your sister to at least accompany you when you go to church. Just being in the presence of Our Lord in the Eucharist might help her. And seeing the images of Mary can help a soul, too. Our Lady can be the gentle face of the Church, so to speak.

There are lots of resources to help prepare a person for confession. The Diocese of Pittsburgh, for instance, has a downloadable guide (scroll down to see it). You could also recommend our retreat guide on this sacrament, and maybe even watch it together with your sister: “From Sorrow to Joy.”

Little by little, with your encouragement, the grace of the sacrament of confession, and lots of prayer, she could make progress. Spiritual direction could help, too, but it might be better for her to seek that out on her own. There is a time and place for everything.

Above all, keep reaching out to your sister and let her know you love her and that the Church loves her. Your prayers for her peace and reconciliation will be priceless.

I hope some of this helps. Count on my prayers.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What to Do About Emotionally Needy Relatives?”

Q: I have two extremely needy family members who only have me to help, in every way but financially. They dump on me and give me a hard time. It is really difficult for me. I have to survive, and they are so draining. Please help me to cope. – C.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It isn’t unusual that the biggest crosses in our lives can be the people closest to us. I don’t know any specifics about your life, so the advice here will be general.

In situations such as these, it is crucial to have a good prayer life. That is because you need the help of the Holy Spirit in order to be prudent, that is, to make the right decision in the right moment.

I mention this because it is one thing to help others in need. It is another thing, however, to let others form an unhealthy dependence on us.

Everyone has a cross to bear, and sometimes we have to draw a line and to let others carry their own cross.

This doesn’t imply that we should neglect others. But we do need to watch out for our own well-being and balance. We shouldn’t feel as though we have to give in to every desire of other people, to the point that we burn out.

Perhaps it would be good to look for a moment when you can share your concerns with these members individually. Let each know that you love him or her. But don’t be afraid to draw some boundaries if need be. Even a bit of fraternal correction can help at times, if done charitably and prudently.

For more reading you might find light and encouragement in Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to “Take Control of Your Life,” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

xOn a more positive note, remember that God allows difficulties in our lives to help us grow in virtue. They can push us to work on our patience and mercy. They also give us a taste of what Jesus himself faced as a human (for more reading see the Aleteia article HERE).

I hope some of this helps.

 

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Today’s secular world throws curve balls at us all the time. AskACatholicPriest is a Q&A feature that anyone can use. Just type in your question or send an email to [email protected] and you will get a personal response back from one of our priests at RCSpirituality. You can ask about anything – liturgy, prayer, moral questions, current events… Our goal is simply to provide a trustworthy forum for dependable Catholic guidance and information. So go ahead and ask your question…

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What If I Still Feel Shame for Visiting a Bad Website?”

Q: I visited a bad website some years ago and sent messages to some of its members. I was stupid enough to send my picture when the members asked me to. Later on, I realized that some of my work colleagues are on that website too. I figured it out only from their reaction toward me. They reported it to my line manager. The problem was that no one actually said anything, even when I asked. They said I was paranoid, so I don’t know who they are. I was out of that website and went to confession straight away, but stress and being ashamed isolated me and took me to the hospital. It challenged me for years; after all those years I am still ashamed of myself. I am being emotionally challenged sometimes even when I am at church, and if someone looks at me in a wrong way I imagine it might still spreading like leprosy. It eats away at me on the inside. I am praying lots and asking God for forgiveness but still can’t forgive myself. I don’t receive Communion even after being to confession as I don’t consider myself worthy. I would be grateful for your advice. – J.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: If you have been to confession and confessed your sin, then you should feel confident about receiving Communion again. Perhaps that is what you most need right now — the Eucharist will give you strength.

We all make mistakes. What gives us hope is the knowledge that we can receive God’s forgiveness and start over.

That is what you might try focusing on: God’s mercy. He is the one you will face at the end of life, not your co-workers. (It’s not even clear what your co-workers know or what they said, if anything, to your boss.)

God loves you and wants you to spend your energy on good things. So don’t worry about the past. Put it behind you. Get on with life. And avoid any misuse of Internet in the future.

You don’t want to stay stuck in the past. It isn’t what Jesus wants for you. Be confident of his mercy. And think about focusing on good things on Internet, such as the Retreat Guides you can find on this website.

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Got a question? Need an answer?

Today’s secular world throws curve balls at us all the time. AskACatholicPriest is a Q&A feature that anyone can use. Just type in your question or send an email to [email protected] and you will get a personal response back from one of our priests at RCSpirituality. You can ask about anything – liturgy, prayer, moral questions, current events… Our goal is simply to provide a trustworthy forum for dependable Catholic guidance and information. So go ahead and ask your question…

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: After the Music-and-Drug Scene, Is There Hope for Me?”

Q: I’ve been away from the Church for a few years. Until recently I was in a band, which was fun … lots of gigs around the country, etc. But I became involved in the drug scene, which seems to go hand in hand with the music scene here. I enjoyed it at the time, but it has taken its toll on me. Recently I decided enough was enough, and I quit the band. The timing wasn’t great, as we have gigs coming up for New Year’s, but I just can’t do it anymore. My father has a damaged heart from a heart attack, and was told recently that he has about a year to live. This is also a reason for me leaving the band, as I don’t want to disappoint him anymore with the partying, etc. I feel sad that I’m probably going to lose friends over this, but it can’t carry on. I also feel guilty for letting them down by quitting before a gig, but I know that it’s destroying my soul, so to speak, by continuing. Anyway, I’ve been praying about it, praying the rosary and to Our Lady, but feel like I’m not worthy to return to the Church. I haven’t spoken to the priest here where I live, to be honest I’m a bit scared. I haven’t attended Mass for years … I’m worried about not being forgiven. I so desperately yearn for the Church, but feel so unworthy. Is there hope for me, Father? Thank you for taking the time to read this. – T.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It sounds as though the Holy Spirit has been leading you back closer to the Church. The fact that you have quit the band, knowing that the well-being of your soul is more important, is a sign that grace is working in you.

You most certainly can come back to the Church. Our Lord is anxious to extend his mercy to you in the sacrament of confession (Father of Mercies is a Retreat Guide that could help you deepen in understanding God’s love and mercy for you!). You remain his beloved son, and he only wants the best for you.

The music-and-drug scene is the world trying to distract you from what is really important. You were made for heaven, and your life on earth is meant to give glory to God. The time you have here is the time God gives you to become a saint.

That might sound like an exaggeration, but it’s not. With God’s grace you can grow in holiness.

The first step is to believe that this is possible. Then, think about approaching a priest for confession. You have nothing to fear. This is one reason why Jesus established the Church — he wants to extend his mercy in a way we can see and hear, as in the sacrament of confession.

You could find online guides to help prepare yourself for confession, such as the one HERE.

It might also help you to watch these short videos about confession, and about how it is actually a gift God gives us because he wants to make it easier for us to come back to him when we need to: “From Sorrow to Joy: A Retreat Guide on Confession.”

The best gift you can give yourself and your loved ones is to go to confession. Receiving absolution will take a great weight off your mind. It will be the first step in what is sure to become an amazing journey with the God who created and redeemed you, and has so much he wants to give you.

In the meantime try to pray each day. Try to attend Mass. And call on the help of the Blessed Virgin Mary. She will do her best to guide you back to her Son.

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Got a question? Need an answer?

Today’s secular world throws curve balls at us all the time. AskACatholicPriest is a Q&A feature that anyone can use. Just type in your question or send an email to [email protected] and you will get a personal response back from one of our priests at RCSpirituality. You can ask about anything – liturgy, prayer, moral questions, current events… Our goal is simply to provide a trustworthy forum for dependable Catholic guidance and information. So go ahead and ask your question…

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Is Mercy About Ignoring Sin?”

Q: What is mercy? I have heard so much of the word “mercy” since the Jubilee Year of Mercy began. I do not hear often about repentance and its connection with mercy. Is it about living in a state of sin without repentance and receiving pardon and mercy from God and his Church? Is it about setting aside the teachings of Christ in expediency of a particular sinful situation? Is it forgiveness, compassion, overlooking sins, leniency, kindness, not judging, not being legalistic and rigid about faith and morals, no absolute moral norms, no sin in the world, no guilt, no naming, non-mentioning and non-labeling of sin, no admonishing of the sinner, broad-mindedness, etc.? What is mercy and what calls for mercy? –W.A.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: You raise a lot of good questions, and a complete answer would fill a small book. Perhaps a few points will suffice here.

Let’s start with a quick definition of mercy from the glossary of the Catechism. Mercy is the “loving kindness, compassion, or forbearance shown to one who offends.” What is interesting is that it doesn’t mention the offender showing any signs of repentance. Is that fair? Does that mean mercy implies “anything goes”?

The short answer is: no. Mercy doesn’t imply that sin is OK. It doesn’t mean setting aside Church teaching. Nor does it imply that people who continue to sin are off the hook. For God is merciful, but he is also just. Mercy is the fullness of justice, but it doesn’t negate justice.

But maybe that is getting into the abstract. Perhaps a better way to explain mercy is to look at two manifestations of it: God’s mercy, and our mercy to one another.

God’s mercy means that he is always ready to forgive someone who repents. God has lots of patience in this area. He doesn’t send down thunderbolts on us when we step out of line. Rather, he is like the father in the parable of the prodigal son who longs for the day when his errant offspring returns home repentant.

The thing is, people need to be reminded of God’s mercy. Many people stay away from the Church or the confessional because they think they are already lost, that they are beyond redemption. That isn’t true. They have access to God’s mercy if they are repentant. This is a big motivation for the Year of Mercy: to remind folks of God’s willingness to embrace them and welcome them back. Perhaps the emphasis on mercy has somewhat dimmed the spotlight that used to shine brightly on sin.

Nevertheless, God isn’t indifferent to sin. Sin led to the death of his Son on a cross.

Souls who seek mercy need to have repentance and some kind of resolve to leave behind their sinful ways. There is no fooling around here. All of us will be called to strict account at our particular judgment at the moment of death. Even forgiven sins might still carry a debt of temporal punishment that would require a stint in purgatory.

As for the mercy that we are called to show, ideally we should be willing to extend mercy to anyone, for the simple fact that God has been merciful to us.

This mercy doesn’t imply that we have to be indifferent to justice. Nor does mercy imply that we have to condone evil. We are called to love the sinner but hate the sin. We can hate abortion but be merciful and try to help a woman who has had one.

Another factor here is that we need not wait for someone to ask us forgiveness. We can forgive someone, not in the sense that God forgives someone (we can’t absolve as the Almighty can) but in the sense that we decide to let go of anger or resentment toward someone and wish the best for the person.

Mercy, too, can involve reaching out and helping people who simply have made messes of their lives. Perhaps they haven’t offended us personally, but they are nevertheless souls who seem to have made bad choices. They are stuck in the mud, and they need someone to help pull them out.

None of this demands indifference to objectively sinful behavior. We won’t show mercy by insinuating that someone’s drug addiction or promiscuous lifestyle is OK. Rather, we try to help them, either by aid or example or coaxing or prayer, all the while steering them away from the bad behavior.

There is a wide range of responses to someone’s faults. We can come down hard on the person and use condemnatory language, or we can be gentle and patient and try to encourage them in the right direction. That second approach is what the Year of Mercy is about.

(For more reading see this article.) You also might enjoy our series of free Retreat Guides on mercy: “Father of Mercies,” “Dawn of Mercy,” “Messenger of Mercy,” and “Miracles of Mercy”.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: How Can I Forgive, After Years of Harassment?”

Q: I know we are supposed to forgive, no matter what. Sometimes I wish I could, but I do want justice. I also want to forgive without feeling bitter, but I don’t know how. Over the past 10 years I have been slandered, to the point of losing my profession. My mother and I had been stalked, mocked and harassed wherever we went. I also know who started it. I don’t have any close friends. I’m pretty much alone most of the time. My mother was harassed right up to the time when she died. My faith is a comfort to me. I know I must forgive, but don’t know how. I can pray for my persecutors, but can’t ever see myself say even hello to them. How can I forgive? –P.T.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I am deeply sorry to hear about the harassment that you and your mother had undergone. The forces of evil are strong in the world. This is why being a Christian can be so demanding.

A person can be forgiving without forgoing justice. It isn’t unreasonable that we would expect people to try to make up for the evil they do. In that sense it isn’t unhealthy that you want to see some kind of justice done. You need not be indifferent to justice.

Then again, it is good not to confuse forgiveness with feelings. We can forgive someone but still reel from the pain that the person caused us. Sometimes painful feelings can last a long time.

The important thing is that you make an act of the will when you forgive. You can say, “Lord, I want to forgive this person; give me the grace to do it.” That is the important part. Our Lord knows that the feelings of pain might linger — but those are separate from your act of the will.

The upshot of this: Keep praying for the grace to forgive those who have hurt you. Your prayers for them, by the way, would be a sign of your forgiveness for them. In this way you won’t let them take away your ability to be merciful. People can hurt us on the exterior level (including our reputation). But they can’t hurt our core if we don’t permit it. Your loving heart is something no one can take from you.

Perhaps Jesus has allowed this special cross in your life to draw you closer to himself. You can probably understand more deeply what it means to be persecuted as Our Lord was. This cross can be the instrument of your growth in holiness.

For more reading you might check out Forgiveness Is a Choice, by Robert Enright.

I hope some of this helps. Count on being included in one of my Mass intentions.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What Should I Do With Lingering Anger?”

Q: Back in March I mildly sprained an index finger. My family doctor was on vacation so I went to of those walk-in medical facilities. Unfortunately I was seen by an incompetent doctor who pulled and pushed on my finger as way of “examining me” and made my condition worse. Now here it is almost three months later and I am still suffering because of what this disgusting person did to me. I have been to two specialists and am still in pain! To make matters worse, I have tried filing charges against this individual, but because of New York State’s legal system have been given a hard time every step of the way. I am overcome with feeling of hatred for that doctor. Many days I wish it were possible to pay someone to give him a beating and put him in the hospital. I know as a Christian it wrong to feel this way and don’t know what to do. Please help! -L.S.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I am sorry to hear of your medical problem growing worse because of bad treatment. It sounds, though, that the pain this doctor inflicted on you has prompted you to inflict an even worse pain on yourself.

By nursing hatred toward this person, you are hurting yourself, spiritually and maybe physically as well. Hatred can gnaw at a person’s spirit and wear her down.

This isn’t coming from heaven; it is coming from somewhere else. Perhaps the devil is using the initial medical mistake to tempt you toward this hatred. Or perhaps there is something that has been troubling you, and this doctor was just the occasion for anger to bubble up.

Rather than try to analyze you psychologically (which isn’t my competence), I would suggest that you try to get to confession and put all this bitterness in Our Lord’s hands. You don’t want go through life harboring a grudge. To help you get over the anger, think of all ways Jesus has shown his forgiveness to you. In turn, he asks us to extend mercy to others. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

By asking us to forgive others, Jesus is actually trying to make our lives easier. It takes much more energy to despise someone than to accept them.

For more reading, see this interview.

To help you reflect more deeply on your own experience and to make the distinction between the feeling of anger (justified in this case) and the sin of anger, you might find this article helpful.

Perhaps it might be helpful to on meditate on the scene of Jesus on the cross, when he says, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.” Then see if perhaps Our Lord is inviting you to imitate that same spirit of forgiveness. I hope some of this helps.

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Fire of Mercy | A Regnum Christi Retreat Gudie on All Saint's Day with Fr. John Bartunek, LC

Fire of Mercy: A Retreat Guide on All Saints’ and All Souls’ Day

When was the last time you thought about what happens after we die? Certainly, you already know what happens—we all learned it in Catechism class: first comes death, unavoidable for all of us, then comes judgment, and depending on how that goes, either hell, purgatory, or heaven. We know that. God has revealed it to us, and the Church teaches it clearly and authoritatively. But when was the last time you really thought about it?  After all, if God has revealed it, he must have a good reason. Thinking about these eternal truths must be able to have a positive influence on how we live our daily lives here on earth. Otherwise, God wouldn’t have made such a big deal about them. But he did. Why?

  • That’s what Fire of Mercy: A Retreat Guide for All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day, will explore.
  • The first meditation will spend time reflecting on death and judgment, and what God wants us to know about those things.
  • The second meditation will give us a chance to reflect prayerfully on heaven and hell.
  • And in the conference, we will tackle the often misunderstood and misrepresented topics of purgatory and indulgences.

Video

Audio

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!