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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What If I’m Getting Into Shouting Matches With My Kids?”

Q: I have been struggling with controlling my anger with my children. They have not been listening to me and often talk back. I then repeat what I want them to do and then they either start crying or begin yelling at me. When they yell at me I get angry. Then my son and I get into a yelling match where we both lose out tempers. I have not hit him, but my rage fueled by his crying, screaming and disobedience just this evening led me to drag him out of his room and threaten to hit him with a coat hanger or the belt. I did not actually do it, but I motioned like I was going to do it. Is this a mortal sin that I should go immediately confess? I know that it is wrong and I need to correct it. – J.K.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It’s good that you recognize that the anger is not healthy. Left unchecked, it can someday turn violent and wreck family life. Allowing ourselves to fall into excessive anger can certainly be a mortal sin, so it’s good to mention this in confession.

This anger is something you need to face squarely. As the adult here, you need to see this as essentially your problem.

Anger often is rooted in childhood experiences. Perhaps you are acting toward your children the way an adult in your life acted toward you. This is a cycle that you want to break. You don’t want to pass anger on to another generation.

Three immediate suggestions might help.

First, try to intensify your prayer life and sacramental life. Try to find a solid, regular confessor you can help you.

Second, think about seeking out a counselor. There is a bit of a science to controlling anger. You might find a counselor via Catholic Therapists.

Third, you might want to read up on the subject, for instance, The Anger Workbook.

Whatever you do, it would be good to do sooner than later. You don’t want this problem to boil over again. Count on my prayers.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Could I Marry Validly If I Don’t Want Kids?”

Q: I was raised in a practicing Catholic household. I strongly believe in God but haven’t always agreed with everything that the Catholic faith teaches. Since graduating school, I have not been attending religious services as often as I probably should have. Recently, my boyfriend and I have been thinking about getting married. So far, we have been practicing spirituality and living our lives in accordance with Catholic morals, so I feel strong in my faith in that respect. However, when it comes to wedding planning I feel a bit torn. I do appreciate the religious community of the Church, and I want my wedding to be recognized in the eyes of the Church. However, I just can’t bring myself to agree 100% with the Church’s views on marriage requirements, such as being open to have children, when that is something I don’t want. I just don’t know if I can go through a ceremony agreeing to values I wouldn’t want to practice. I want to live my life in a manner that is pleasing to God, and it worries me that my marriage would be sinful if not in the Church. I feel that would upset my family as well. I’ve been praying to try to ask God what he wants for me, but I’m still conflicted. What is the right thing to do in this situation? – N.B.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It’s good that you are honest enough to admit that you don’t want children.

Not being open to children would normally be an impediment to a Church wedding.

Marriage is created by God with a twofold dimension: unitive for the spouses, and procreative.

That means that a couple has to be open to life in order to enter a valid marriage.

To deliberately rule out children would be, in effect, to slam the door on God’s beautiful and wise plan for marriage.

At a deeper level, perhaps, the fear of children can reflect a lack of hope in the future. Or a lack of trust in God’s providence. It could also reflect selfishness, though I am not sure of the reasons behind your own thoughts on the issue.

It might be good to step back and look at the big picture. You say that you strongly believe in God, but that you don’t agree with all the Church’s teachings. Jesus founded the Church, in part, to teach us the truths revealed by God.

So to have a problem with Church teaching on marriage is to have a problem with God’s teaching on marriage.

It might be good to try to go a little deeper into the theology of marriage.

You and your friend might want to view our “Three Hearts” online retreat together.

You might want to read a few Catholic books on marriage. Websites such as this one recommend many fine books.

In the meantime it might help to intensify your prayer life and sacramental life (including regular Mass attendance), and to find a solid, regular confessor or spiritual director to guide you.

And be open with any priest or deacon or layperson you might encounter in a marriage-prep course. Count on my prayers, OK?

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Should Gossip Keep Me From Receiving Communion?”

Q: I frequently go to confession, confessing the same sin (gossip) with the intention of not falling again. I am never quite sure if it is mortal or venial, as I am just mostly complaining about my kids. My question is since I still receive Communion at Mass in between my failings, am I committing a greater sin? I received Communion yesterday and didn’t think of it then. – M.K.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Unless you are complaining in some fire-breathing, hate-filled way, or unless you are posting on Facebook about your 20-something “kids” and their immoral lifestyles, it’s likely that your offense is venial.

This would include things such as complaining to a sister about the way your 10-year-old leaves the kitchen a mess.

Messy kitchens are not end-of-the-world stuff. It’s part of the normal tensions within families. And your complaining about it wouldn’t be a reason for staying away from Communion.

Nevertheless, it’s good that you are confessing what you perceive to be sins against charity. If you are confessing the sin of gossip frequently, that is a sign that it is a dominant bad habit in your life.

One way to effectively combat a bad habit is to work on the opposite virtue.

In practice that means trying to speaking well of others. It also means not complaining to someone who isn’t in a position to do something about a problem. Otherwise you would be venting pointlessly.

How would this habit of speaking well of others look in your life?

Perhaps you could reserve your negative comments about the kids to your spouse, who might be in a position to help you form the children in better habits. There is no need to tell the relatives and neighbors about your kids’ shortcomings.

It could mean internally counting to 10 before speaking, whenever you feel tempted to unleash a barrage of criticism. That pause might give you a chance to catch yourself and refrain from saying something you will later regret.

Primarily, you want to learn to focus on the positive.

Instead of stewing about the 10-year-old who left the kitchen a mess for the umpteenth time, just wait for a moment for calm to return and say, “Joey, could you help clean up the kitchen? I need to do the laundry since dad is all out of shirts.” Or, “Joey, I’m glad you put your cereal bowl in the dishwasher. Could you do the same with the other things in the sink?”

And then speak positively to your husband later within earshot of your son. “Joey was a big help in the kitchen this morning …” You get the idea.

To dig a little more into the virtues and vices linked to our words, you might find it helpful to read my colleague Father Bartunek’s booklet, Sharpening Your Tongue: A Regnum Christi Essay on Charity in Our Words.

Cultivating the habit of speaking well of others will be a great way to form your children, and it will go a long way to producing an atmosphere of love and respect in the home. Which will be one more thing to be grateful for when you receive Communion.

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Sacred Heart Apostolic School Launches New Blog

There’s a new student blog on the website of Sacred Heart Apostolic School, a boarding school in Rolling Prairie, IN, run by the Legionaries of Christ. The blog allows students, young men thinking about the priesthood, to share thoughts and ideas. 

Kathleen Conklin, a Regnum Christi member who helped redesign the school’s website, said they hoped these students would inspire others. “These young men are an inspiration to us,” she said, “and allowing others a glimpse into the school through their eyes seemed like the most logical and effective way to tell the story. After all, they are it.” 

The first blog post back in April was the testimony of a student at the March for Life. He described the “radiant joy [that] enveloped the streets for miles around capturing the hearts of anyone within its vicinity” as he and other Regnum Christi members, along with Legionary priests, marched through the streets of Washington, D. C. in witness to the sanctity of human life. 

Kathleen explained that students can submit anything they want as a topic. To start the blog off, she noted, students were asked to write their personal stories. 

One of the students who wrote his story was Luis, who wrote about how he first discerned a call to the priesthood. “When I was a little kid, I always wanted to be a professional soccer player,” he wrote. However, later when he started to sense a call, “I learned that God really wanted me to become a priest. It was not easy for me to leave my family, especially going from California to Indiana at such a young age. But I realized the need for priests in the world.” 

Luis also wrote about his mission experience. “In Mexico, I saw many little kids without shoes running around with sticks and using them as if they were toys,” he noted. “They were all happy playing and keeping themselves entertained with things that don’t seem too fun to us.” 

Kathleen explained that the student blog “gives potential students [and] their families a way to meet the caliber of student at SHAS [Sacred Heart Apostolic School], see daily life, the academics, and formation at the school. We are hoping that as people read the blog they will be able to picture themselves, their son or grandson as a student.” 

It is also a way for Regnum Christi members to get a view inside the Apostolic School from the young men’s perspective. Sometimes young men mention the struggles they have overcome. 

Another Sacred Heart student, Stephen, described how the school has transformed him and other students. “It has been months since I joined the school, and throughout the course of the year everyone has progressively grown in virtue and respect and a brotherly love for one another, despite each other’s imperfections,” he remarked. “The formation we receive at Sacred Heart Apostolic School touches many aspects.”  

Kathleen notes that the Internet has become the town square of today, and we in Regnum Christi and the Legion need to help form young people who can effectively reach other people and thus impact culture. “At SHAS,” she says, “students learn how to interact properly with others [so that they can] have the greatest possible reach for Christ. The blog is a healthy and effective way for them to reach others.” 

The team at Sacred Heart takes this formation seriously. This year they want to hand off some of the blog management to the older students. 

One of the younger students, Lenny, blogged about how Sacred Heart students learn the apostolic life. “Apostolics are boys who are doing God’s will the way God asked, while living some aspects of Legionary life,” he explained. “Every day we live with Christ and for Christ. Being an Apostolic means being an Apostle—praying for people in the chapel or in street missions. It means doing more than the minimum. We are called to do something higher.” 

The blog seems to be succeeding in its mission to interest others in the formation offered as SHAS. At least one young man has even visited the school after reading the blog. When he arrived, he said, “You don’t have to tell me anything about the school. I already read it all on your website. I am here because I want to be an SHAS student, too.” 

Sacred Heart Apostolic School is a boarding school run by the Legionaries of Christ for young men thinking about the priesthood. It accepts students from grades 7 through 12. You can find out about Sacred Heart at the school website and by reading the student blog.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Should I Cut Ties With Toxic Relatives?”

Q: I am newly married and expecting my first child, and I realized today that there are some people in my life who I don’t want influencing my kids or being in their life. They are toxic and have hurt me a lot throughout my life, but they are my family. Do you think God would be OK with me cutting them out of my life, or do I have an obligation to keep them in my life? – S.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: May the Blessed Virgin Mary watch over you as you await the birth of your baby!

You raise an interesting question. The short answer is … there is no simple answer. People can change. And people can influence others to change.

In the case of problematic family members, it might be part of your mission to help them, through your prayers and your example.

The most important relationships in your life — after God the Father, the Holy Spirit, Jesus and Mary – are those with your husband and children. You are within your rights to protect them as best you can from noxious relatives.

But it is good to remember the words of St. Paul: “Do not be conquered by evil but conquer evil with good” (Romans 12:21).

We as Christians are called to bring the light of Christ to others. We need to shine amid the darkness of the world.

Dealing with problematic family members might be one way to do this.

This doesn’t mean you have to ignore their objectively bad behavior or open your home to bad behavior. Certainly, if any family members have abused you physically in some way, you are wise to keep them away from your family until there is rock-solid evidence of their rehabilitation.

But it might be good at least to start praying specifically for those who have hurt you. This has many advantages.

First, it gives you a way to channel your energy in a charitable way.

Second, this prayer in turn can also bring a deep peace to your own heart. If you can pray for and forgive someone who has hurt you, then it will be that much easier to foster a spirit of mercy to others around you.

Third, the prayer will expand your own heart and help make you a better wife and mom. You could turn your home into a little paradise. And that could have ripple effects in your community.

Fourth, this exercise in prayer and forgiveness would help you see everyone through the eyes of Jesus. For he suffered and died for each of your relatives. He loves each of one, without exception. Imagine a heart that could love like Christ’s.

And who knows? Your prayers could help convert souls.

Again, this doesn’t mean you have to indiscriminately open your home to every problematic person. Yet it is healthy not to try to live cut off from every difficult relative. Dealing with them, though challenging, might give your own heart a chance to grow.

It might be worth thinking of the alternative. If you cut off all contact with certain relatives, will that improve the situation? Will it help them? Will it help you? Could it, for instance, cause a hardening of hearts over the years?

Perhaps you could take all this to prayer. Talk about it with your husband, too, and see where the Spirit is leading you. Count on my prayers.

Keep learning more with Ask a Priest

Got a question? Need an answer?

Today’s secular world throws curve balls at us all the time. AskACatholicPriest is a Q&A feature that anyone can use. Just type in your question or send an email to [email protected] and you will get a personal response back from one of our priests at RCSpirituality. You can ask about anything – liturgy, prayer, moral questions, current events… Our goal is simply to provide a trustworthy forum for dependable Catholic guidance and information. So go ahead and ask your question…

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What to Do About Noisy Kids at Mass?”

Q: I attend church regularly as much as I can. I believe the sacrifice of the Mass is the most beautiful gift given to us because of the body and blood of Christ. I am very dismayed at the amount of disrespect showed during the Mass today by young parents. We have a cry room, yet parents choose to bring their children into the congregation, believing that you are not Christian if you speak up about the disruptive behavior of their children. Now, I do not mind the sounds of laughter from babies. I do take issue with parents who allow their children to play and make noises during the Mass and especially during the consecration. A prime example is that of a grandmother who brought two young boys to Mass, and after the first reading a woman in her late 30s joined them with three other children. The entire time, the children were making noises and playing with their toy cars, hair dryers and much more. The mother joined in by braiding the hair of her daughter’s doll during the celebration of the Eucharist. I just wanted to cry. It was such a fiasco. After Mass I went up and nicely asked if the women knew we had room for young people in the back of the church. They said they did and showed disgust that I should even ask. I am so upset because I want to pay reverence to God and now I am the bad guy. Is it really wrong for me to address this behavior? I do believe it is turning people away because [the children] have such bad boundaries. Why don’t more priests speak up about this? If they lose parishioners, then so be it. -M.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good to hear of your great love for the Mass and for the Eucharist. It is the highest form of prayer in the Church and certainly deserves to be celebrated in an atmosphere of reverence. Part of the beauty of the Mass is that all the faithful are called to participate in it.

It sounds as if you have tried to broach the topic discreetly with folks, but to no avail. To press the issue might cause further bad blood. So what should you do?

First, you could see it as an opportunity to go the extra distance in patience. Raising children in today’s culture is not easy, and parents need all the support they can get, especially from their parish.

Second, it is good to realize that the average pastor is already swamped with problems (including complaints from church custodians who have to clean up Cheerios and other food left behind in pews) and is probably grateful for the people who do show up at Mass. He might not want to risk alienating young families by singling out them on the account of noisy kids.

Still, you could try approaching the pastor and sharing your concerns. If you know him well, that would be good. If you don’t know him well, maybe you could wait for a moment when you could first help him with something in the parish. It is easier to approach someone when he is already aware of your good intentions and contributions to the parish community. Perhaps you could suggest some compromises; perhaps parents could be encouraged to at least avoid talking with their kids during the consecration. Or have them keep the toys to a minimum. Once you raise the issue with the priest, leave it in his hands.

If that doesn’t solve the problem, then perhaps you might consider attending Mass at different times (when there are fewer children around) or even at another parish. That second option is a more radical solution, and not an easy one for many people. The idea here is to attend Masses that will actually help you grow in your spiritual life and not distract you to the point of frustration.

In the meantime, though, look to help out at your parish as much as possible. This helps to build community.

For more reading on this issue, see Patrick Madrid’s posting here and Greg Popcak’s here. I hope some of this helps.

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!