Judgmental

Double Standards or Understanding

Dear Friends,

During our Easter break in the formation center where I serve, a speaker facilitated a workshop on community life. One point she drove
home was to recognize our double standards: the standards we hold others to and the excuses we find for ourselves. She read a list of these, which were met with smirks and chuckles of recognition. I share a couple to give you an idea!

She is being lazy and irresponsible when she misses her serving turn. I forgot because I have a lot going on.”
She is too direct and is insensitive to others’ feelings. When I speak like that, I am just trying to be honest.”

At the beginning of his Spiritual Exercises, St Ignatius of Loyola recommends that we presume a good interpretation of the other person’s words and deeds. When in doubt, we should ask them what they meant.

How many unnecessary conflicts and hurt feelings could be saved by this simple advice? Our Lord tells us: “Stop judging, that you may not be judged. For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you”  (Matthew 7:1).

This is one of those Gospel passages that can make us squirm. Who doesn’t struggle with this? But perhaps we can turn it on its head and see it as an opportunity to receive unmeasured mercy.

Forgive and you will be forgiven… a good measure, packed together, shaken down, and overflowing will be poured into your lap” (Luke 6: 38).

Yours in the Heart of Christ,

Glory Darbellay

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“Ask a Priest: I Try so Hard … Why Can’t I Be Perfect?”

Q: I am praying more regularly and watching daily Mass. I’m reading the Bible. I still have difficulty with laziness, envy, insecurity, oversensitivity, shame, being overly emotional, exaggerating, lying so people can take my side in a conflict, lying to sound more credible, attention-seeking behavior, chafing at correction, criticism, being challenged or called out on my lies, nonsense, and excuses. I still complain, obsess, experience high levels of anxiety, harbor resentment and an unforgiving heart, get upset when others disagree with me, and I can be very vain and judgmental. I’m so annoyed with myself. Why can’t I be perfect despite all my efforts? — I.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Let’s start with your question, “Why can’t I be perfect despite all my efforts?”

That might be part of the problem: It’s easy to fall into the mistake of thinking we can reach perfection on our own efforts.

In fact, none of us can bring ourselves to perfection. Any improvements are a grace of God.

What is noticeable about your e-mail is an omission: There is not a word about God the Father or Jesus or the Holy Spirit.

This is odd because religion is foremost about God. The No. 1 goal of the spiritual life is the glory of God.

Our own sanctification is part of that — a byproduct, if you will, of our doing things for God’s glory. But God comes first.

But let’s say you have had a particularly frustrating day and feel closed in on yourself. You nevertheless recognize your various faults. Notably, you aren’t blaming others for your problems. And that in itself is a sign of progress.

In fact, St. John of the Cross, the great Doctor of the Church on prayer and spiritual growth, pointed out that often as we are growing spiritually it feels as if we staying the same, or even getting worse.

It could be that you are in a season of growth and need some guidance on how to cooperate with the graces God is sending you. To that end, you might want to look at my colleague Father John Bartunek’s book that answers questions on spiritual challenges, Answers: Catholic Advice for Your Spiritual Questions.

For now, try moving the spotlight from yourself and more toward God and what he wants from you.

He has given you the gifts of life, intelligence, health, faith, etc. You are his beloved daughter. And as a beloved daughter you can feel confident in his help.

It might help to go to prayer or, if you can, go to the Blessed Sacrament and ask Jesus what he wants of you. This will help lift your vision a bit more heavenward.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Should We Not Judge at All?”

Q: It says, “Judge not, so that you may not be judged.” Does that mean we are not to judge at all? Or does that mean that we can judge when we are perfect and without sin, and that way we can judge our neighbor so that it’s sound judgment? Is there a negative connotation to judging here, and is discernment the more positive way? – L.J.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Jesus in that passage (see Matthew 7:1) means that we shouldn’t try to judge the state of other people’s souls or intentions. God alone knows the heart and mind of each person.

We can, of course, speak up when we see an injustice being done. We can protest abortion or the neglect of the poor, for instance. This is something of a duty for us.

We can even exercise fraternal charity by pointing out another person’s faults to him. But this needs to be done in a spirit of charity and humility. And we shouldn’t feel as though we have to do it in every case.

If our brother seems to be drinking too much, we should say something. The same obligation, however, doesn’t apply if we find out that the neighbor down the street seems to be drinking excessively (unless he is endangering the neighborhood, but that’s another case).

Here, we have to use prudence. We aren’t called to police the world.

A good principle to remember is “Hate sin, love the sinner.”

We also need to be careful if we find that our attention is focused on the faults of others — this might indicate that we aren’t attentive enough to our own faults.

Few of us will ever arrive to the point in this world where we are perfect and without sin. Most of us would do well to heed the words of Jesus in Matthew 7:3 — “Why do you notice the splinter in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?”

However, if you feel as though you do need to point out someone’s fault, it might be good to pray about it first. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you and to open the heart of the other person. For any lasting improvement in someone’s behavior requires the working of the Holy Spirit.

Keep learning more with Ask a Priest

Got a question? Need an answer?

Today’s secular world throws curve balls at us all the time. AskACatholicPriest is a Q&A feature that anyone can use. Just type in your question or send an email to [email protected] and you will get a personal response back from one of our priests at RCSpirituality. You can ask about anything – liturgy, prayer, moral questions, current events… Our goal is simply to provide a trustworthy forum for dependable Catholic guidance and information. So go ahead and ask your question…

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Should We Shame a Woman Who’s Had Abortions?”

Q: Should Catholics shame a women for having abortions early in her life and is now scared and ashamed and remorseful? I have had a friend who confided in me about two abortions she had years ago. She only told me and explained to me why she is always so down and distant from people but felt she could trust me. Because of my upbringing in very strict, judgmental Catholic family I feel I should distance myself from her. But my own version of God is to not abandon people in need. I care deeply for this person. She even hopes one day we can be in a relationship, but my mind will never let me go there, and I think it’s more because of worry about how my family will feel. I feel it’s not a Christian way to treat people by not forgiving and showing compassion. But maybe I’m wrong as a devout Catholic myself — maybe I need to cut this person from my life? Looking for some guidance. – T.G.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It’s not the role of Catholics to shame a woman in this situation but rather to encourage her on a path of healing.

Many women suffer deep psychological wounds because of their abortions. Those who think they cannot obtain God’s mercy can end up in a psychological and emotional tailspin.

This woman needs healing both at the spiritual and the psychological levels.

That she has been so secretive about her past indicates that she has a lot of regret for what happened. She recognizes that the abortions were wrong. If she has confided her past to you, that means she trusts you and might be open to any advice you could offer.

This would be the moment to encourage her to go to confession and to seek out counseling, such as what could be offered at a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat.

Pope St. John Paul II’s encyclical Evangelium Vitae articulates a pastoral approach toward post-abortive women:

“I would now like to say a special word to women who have had an abortion. The Church is aware of the many factors which may have influenced your decision, and she does not doubt that in many cases it was a painful and even shattering decision. The wound in your heart may not yet have healed. Certainly what happened was and remains terribly wrong. But do not give in to discouragement and do not lose hope. Try rather to understand what happened and face it honestly. If you have not already done so, give yourselves over with humility and trust to repentance. The Father of mercies is ready to give you his forgiveness and his peace in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. To the same Father and his mercy you can with sure hope entrust your child. With the friendly and expert help and advice of other people, and as a result of your own painful experience, you can be among the most eloquent defenders of everyone’s right to life. Through your commitment to life, whether by accepting the birth of other children or by welcoming and caring for those most in need of someone to be close to them, you will become promoters of a new way of looking at human life” (No. 99).

You might be the instrument through which your friend will learn of God’s mercy and find a source of hope.

Catholics more than anyone are called to be witnesses of God’s mercy. We ourselves encounter that mercy every time we take advantage of the sacrament of confession. It is an imminently Christian thing to reach out to a fallen soul and help her to reconcile with God.

It’s one thing to hate sin; it’s quite another to be judgmental and to write off sinners. “Stop judging, that you may not be judged” (Matthew 7:1).

Jesus died for all of us. We all need his redemption. It would give him great joy if your friend could turn to him for mercy. He wants to bring healing to her heart.

And with God’s grace she might someday be reunited with her babies.

Keep learning more with Ask a Priest

Got a question? Need an answer?

Today’s secular world throws curve balls at us all the time. AskACatholicPriest is a Q&A feature that anyone can use. Just type in your question or send an email to [email protected] and you will get a personal response back from one of our priests at RCSpirituality. You can ask about anything – liturgy, prayer, moral questions, current events… Our goal is simply to provide a trustworthy forum for dependable Catholic guidance and information. So go ahead and ask your question…

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: How Should I Speak About the Archbishop Viganò Case?”

Q: I’m concerned and struggling. I do not watch mainstream news, but I follow certain Catholic-oriented and TradCat sites on Internet and Facebook for the latest news and updates regarding Archbishop Viganò’s letters and the Vatican response. I speak to my husband and my mother regarding the situation, I try to be cautious about what I say so as to not sin against clergy, per the Blessed Mother’s request; but after I’ve shared any info I feel as if I have committed a grievous sin! Can you offer me any guidance on what constitutes sins against clergy in this particular situation? I don’t believe in burying my head in the sand as my sisters do. I want to know what is going on, but I do not want my curiosity to be an occasion of sin. – J.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Thanks for your note and for your obvious concern for the Church.

It’s a sad state when the divisions in the Church are so high-level and so public. Behind all this is the devil, who is anxious to stir up disunity among the faithful.

It is understandable if people are talking about the items that pop up in the news.

A key element needed in these conversations is charity. This includes the virtue of justice, which means that we refrain from judging or condemning anyone.

For the moment the surest thing we can say is that Archbishop Carlo Viganò, a past apostolic nuncio to the U.S., made some accusations and the Holy See has basically denied them. Here, a principle from the Universal Declaration of Human Rights is helpful: A person should be presumed innocent until proven guilty.

Perhaps there will be no “trial” and no definitive conclusions reached. We might just be left with conflicting accounts about what happened. If that is the case, it would be good to refrain from making any judging or at least not sharing those judgments with others.

None of this means, however, that we have to stick our heads in the ground. The Church still needs purification.

Maybe the positive route is for all of us to intensify our prayers for the Church and to discuss ways that we can help the clergy and hierarchy, all with an eye toward safeguarding the vulnerable among us. This could take many forms: adoration for vocations; fasting; and opportune and respectful suggestions to the right people.

Some of the problems we see today have been brewing for decades, if not centuries. Reform will take a while. But it is something we can begin today, with our own striving for holiness.

An extra suggestion: To guard your own spirit of peace, you might want to try to get your news from balanced and civil outlets. Sources that pour fuel on the fires raging ’round won’t bring much calm to your heart. The Spirit prefers to speak in “a light silent sound” (1 Kings 19:12). Also, you might find it useful to read my colleague’s blog post about the recent scandals: https://rcspiritual.wpenginepowered.com/weekly_email/a-response-to-disaster-weekly-message-for-09-11-2018/

Keep learning more with Ask a Priest

Got a question? Need an answer?

Today’s secular world throws curve balls at us all the time. AskACatholicPriest is a Q&A feature that anyone can use. Just type in your question or send an email to [email protected] and you will get a personal response back from one of our priests at RCSpirituality. You can ask about anything – liturgy, prayer, moral questions, current events… Our goal is simply to provide a trustworthy forum for dependable Catholic guidance and information. So go ahead and ask your question…

“Ask a Priest: How Should I Speak About the Archbishop Viganò Case?” Read More »

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!