Invalid Marriage

Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Could Divorced-and-Remarried Friends Spend the Night?”

Q: Today many of us have friends who have been divorced and remarried. If these friends, who may or may not be Catholic, are visiting our home, is it wrong to let them share a bedroom? On the one hand, they would be doing so if they had to go to a hotel or were in their own home. On the other hand, since the marriage is likely not considered valid in the eyes of the Church, wouldn’t it be considered wrong? How do we handle this situation with such friends or even extended family members who may no longer be practicing Catholics and in an invalid marriage? Thanks for your assistance. – S.H.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: This is a common dilemma today: how to be charitable and keep open lines of communication without compromising one’s beliefs.

A few points are worth considering.

First is the idea of cooperation with evil. To accommodate a couple in an irregular marriage might constitute formal cooperation in evil.

By offering them a bedroom you would be providing the material possibility for them to engage in objectively sinful behavior. And the offer could be perceived as implicit approval of their marital arrangement.

A second consideration is one based on love. We want the best for people whom we love. That means witnessing to them the fullness of the Gospel. Our Lord was merciful to the woman caught in adultery, yet he didn’t tell her it was OK to resume her illicit relationship.

It might be good to step back and ask why one of these couples might expect to be accommodated overnight in your home.

Do they understand your misgivings about their marriage? Do they understand that your Catholic faith would preclude you from countenancing their intimate relations?

To approach things from a different perspective, let’s say that you might not face this dilemma about overnight guests if you are upfront about your religious beliefs. That is, if they already know where you stand before they show up on your doorstep, they will understand why you won’t offer them overnight use of a bedroom.

What you want to avoid is, say, having an unexpected storm hit in the middle of dinner, and then having to face your guests’ request to spend the night together under your roof.

In a word, you want to think ahead of time how to prepare for these get-togethers. If your friends or family understand where you stand on marriage, that will help establish healthy boundaries in your interactions with them.

Would a prohibition on overnight guests in dicey marriages cause ill feelings? It could. But witnessing to the Gospel sometimes involves tough love.

Think about finding creative solutions: Offer the bedroom to one of them, and the sofa in the basement to the other. The key is to talk about it, to take advantage of the situation to give witness to Christ’s truth and your love for them.

The Acts of the Apostles shows that early evangelization stirred some bad feelings. It wasn’t easy then, it isn’t easy now.

One of the best preparations for loved ones in irregular marriages is to pray for them. They need a special grace to change their lives.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Should I Attend My Daughter’s Goth Wedding?”

Q: My daughter is a fallen-away Catholic, 25 years old, and she is marrying a non-practicing Christian. At age 15 she full-force chose to be confirmed. She talked to me about how some kids were being confirmed only because their parents wanted them to. I am all for letting them choose to be confirmed or not. She was well-trained in the Catholic faith. Yet, she and her fiancé are marrying with a justice of the peace. I know each situation is different. My daughter has a tendency in that, if I say nothing, I am OK’ing a situation. I plan to talk to her and her fiancé about how my husband, I, and two young kids might decide to attend the wedding, but that I am not giving it a stamp of approval. Still, if I tell her that and then attend the wedding, it might be that in her mind I am OK’ing it in the end. They want my son and daughter to be flower girl and ring bearer. The wedding is going to be Halloween-themed because my daughter likes the Goth look. The music is not going to be traditional at all. They will probably have a lot of heavy metal or grunge music. There will be a lot of black and purple coloring and something like a “Nightmare Before Christmas” type of wedding cake. I will have to explain to my children that this is not how Catholics are supposed to get married and that their big sister had quit being Catholic some time ago. If we decide to go to the justice-of-the-peace wedding, is it best we not participate in it? Should I not have my kids be ring bearer and flower girl, for instance? Thanks so much for any input. -T.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I am sorry to hear about your family situation. Your daughter obviously has made decisions that she probably knows go against the Catholic faith. You can certainly pray for her and for her conversion.

But what about attending the wedding? The Church doesn’t issue hard-and-fast rules in this case. It does, however, offer principles that can guide us.

First, all of us have an obligation to avoid scandalizing others. Two numbers from the Catechism are quote citing here:

No. 2284: Scandal is an attitude or behavior which leads another to do evil. The person who gives scandal becomes his neighbor’s tempter. He damages virtue and integrity; he may even draw his brother into spiritual death. Scandal is a grave offense if by deed or omission another is deliberately led into a grave offense.

No. 2285: Scandal takes on a particular gravity by reason of the authority of those who cause it or the weakness of those who are scandalized. It prompted our Lord to utter this curse: “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened round his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” [end quoted material]

Here you would want to ask specifically: How will your daughter interpret your attendance? You already fear that she will think you really approve of the whole thing.

More importantly, will you scandalize the children, especially by allowing them to participate in the wedding? At their age they won’t be able to distinguish between a valid and invalid marriage. And it is it understandable if they think everything is fine — why else would they be there as flower girl and ring bearer?

Second, we should be willing to give witness to our faith. Your daughter probably expects to have her own opinions and free will respected. Doesn’t her mom have the same rights? In other words, does your daughter have a right to expect you to compromise your beliefs in order to make her feel good?

This might be the moment when she needs your witness of faith more than ever.

The Goth theme of the wedding indicates that your daughter has some deeper issues to work through. These issues might surface sooner or later, and when they do, she will be grappling for answers. Answers that only the Church can provide.

You might want to take all this to prayer, and see if you are ready to risk scandalizing and confusing the little ones about the wedding. And keep praying for your daughter; she needs your motherly love more than ever. Whatever you decide, having that sincere and calm conversation with her about it beforehand will be very important. She needs to know that you love and respect her, even when you don’t agree with her choices.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What Is My Obligation in an Irregular Marriage?”

Q: I’m Catholic, 62 years old, widowed at 54 after 36 years of marriage. I got remarried two years later to a Lutheran who used to be Pentecostal. He was married in the Lutheran church, got a divorce, remarried a Baptist but was widowed in less than a year. When we talked to my priest about our marriage, he said that since my husband didn’t have his first marriage annulled for us to give him the paperwork, we should go ahead and get married in the Lutheran church and come back to him. After we married, things went bad fast, so many things I didn’t know and so many things that totally changed between us. I didn’t know his true self until we married. He refused to get a Catholic annulment because he said it’s not the Church’s business. We separated but went back, but things are worse. We live separate lives in the same house. He has no place to live if we divorce. My house was paid for before we married, and he says that I’m sinning by not living up to what he believes the Bible says about a wife’s responsibility to keep a marriage together. I’m confused. Can I go to Communion? What is my obligation to this relationship? I asked my priest, but he said all my questions are between me and God. If I’m in a state of sin, how do I get forgiveness? I refuse to leave my faith in the Catholic Church. I went to another priest for confession and he told me God forgives me but don’t let anyone in the parish know about my situation. That prevents me from participating in the parish. Thank you for reading this long diatribe, sorry about that. -M.T.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good that you desire to live your faith fully. Unfortunately you received bad advice when you were told to “marry” in the Lutheran denomination; such a marriage is invalid in the eyes of the Catholic Church. You might consider avoiding that priest in the future, at least for confession or spiritual advice.

The other priest gave advice that seems sounder. If you aren’t living as husband and wife, and if it is very difficult for your partner to find other lodging, and if your being under the same roof leads to no serious temptations against chastity, and if you have otherwise made a good confession, then you could receive Communion. But it has to be in a discreet way that doesn’t scandalize others; that is why the priest pointed you to another parish.

None of this means that the priest has allowed you to get around the normal annulment process. He hasn’t declared your marriage valid in the secrecy of the confessional. Such a declaration comes, publicly, from the Church, after an investigation by a tribunal.

If you wanted to marry someone else, it might not be too difficult to get an annulment, based on what is known as a lack of canonical form.

It doesn’t seem, however, as if you are interested in getting your current union convalidated (“blessed”) by the Church. That would be understandable. From what you describe, your partner wasn’t very honest before your civil wedding. This makes your obligation to him even less, notwithstanding his own interpretation of Scripture. Whatever support you owe him would be as a Christian, not as a spouse.

The ideal would be for the both of you to have separate living quarters. Perhaps you could look for ways to move toward that ideal.

In the meantime try to make time for prayer each day. And stay close to the Blessed Virgin Mary.

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!