Infertility

Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What Can I Do About Infertility?”

Q: I’m in my late 30s and in a relationship with a wonderful man. I feel very blessed to have a kind, intelligent, caring and generous boyfriend. Last September I found out that I’m infertile. It breaks my heart. How do I deal with this grief? Most people in the Catholic Church don’t know what to say. And if they say anything at all, it’s very insensitive and callous like, “Why don’t you just adopt?” Adoption isn’t a panacea for infertility, and now I feel like there’s nowhere to turn, not even the Church. Please help. – S.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Our Lord seems to have allowed a heavy cross in your life, no doubt. It can be heartbreaking for married couples or courting couples to face the prospect of not bringing children into the world.

This doesn’t detract from the reality that God loves you dearly. You are a beloved daughter of his.

Still, when he allows difficulties in our life, he does so because he can bring something good out of them. One good thing is that it gives us the chance to make a greater act of faith in him.

Perhaps a few ideas might help you.

First, you might want to seek out a second opinion about your condition. You might consider seeing a doctor trained in NaProTechnology. It is a health science faithful to Church teaching.

Second, in whatever situation we find ourselves, we can always love. Sometimes the ways we will be called to love will not be the ways we expected.

You mention that your boyfriend is kind and caring and generous. That sounds like a special grace. More than a few women would hope to have such a grace.

For more reading, see this Aleteia post.

This would be a good moment to intensify your prayer life and sacramental life, and to cultivate your devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary through the rosary. She will intercede for you. For you are her beloved daughter, too.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Should I Expect a Miracle and to Conceive Again?”

Q: I made a huge mistake and had a tubal ligation done the day after I gave birth to my son. That was 21 years ago. I have since met this wonderful man who I love dearly, and he has no children of his own. I tried having a tubal reversal, but my doctor said it was impossible because my tubes were cut too short. I never knew that having a surgery to prevent children was a sin against my faith. I deeply feel so much remorse and regret. I pray that God heals my infertility. Will God answer my request and prayers even though I had the surgery? I was young, I didn’t know that it was against the Lord’s teaching. – D.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A. I am sorry to hear about your tubal ligation. As you know now, it isn’t something good.

If you haven’t done so already, it would be good to mention it in confession and then leave things in God’s hands.

As for being able to conceive again (and here I am assuming that you are talking about entering a marriage that would be recognized by the Church), you can pray for a miracle. But you want to be careful about presuming God’s providence.

What I mean by that is this. Some of the decisions we make have consequences that normally cannot be reversed. If a farmer decides in the spring not to plant wheat, for instance, then he shouldn’t expect to change his mind in mid-August and have a harvest by Labor Day. Nature simply doesn’t work that way.

The same idea might apply in the case of the tubal ligation. If it cannot be reversed, then it might be better to accept that, as difficult as it is. Perhaps you could be a mom again — through adoption.

In all this you want to be careful not to put the onus on God to produce a miracle. You made a decision years ago, and that decision had a consequence. This realization might cause you great suffering, but it is suffering that you can offer back to Jesus. You can unite your cross with his.

Again, consider motherhood in a wider sense, one that includes opening your heart to an abandoned child.

Stay close to prayer and the sacraments and the Blessed Virgin Mary. You will find comfort.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Should I Stay Married If I Haven’t Conceived?”

Q: Before I married, I had a talk with my husband about the possibility of not being able to conceive, because I don’t ovulate. We agreed that if I didn’t get pregnant, we would adopt. Now that we are married, we found out his semen analysis is abnormal. So I do ovulate with medication, but I’m not getting pregnant probably due to his low count. Now, he is unwilling to adopt, and he doesn’t want to go through the medication/treatment needed. So my question is this: Am I supposed to stay married when I know I have a calling to be a mother, hence the conversation I had with him prior to our marriage? I am 40 years old, so I feel as if I’m short on time. Please help! -M.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is noble that you aspire to be a mom. And for someone in your position it must be a heavy cross to be childless.

Still, the heart of your question comes down to the matter of the indissolubility of a valid sacramental marriage.

One of the conditions for entering a valid marriage is an openness to conceiving new life. You both had this openness, from what you describe in your note. The actual ability to conceive a child, however, is something contingent; it doesn’t negate the validity of the marriage covenant. In fact, canon law in No. 1084.3 says explicitly that “Sterility neither prohibits nor nullifies marriage, without prejudice to the prescript of canon 1098.”

You were honest about your situation beforehand, and your husband-to-be accepted that. Hence you both presumably entered marriage with sufficient understanding of the person you were committing to.

Marriage, however, doesn’t guarantee anyone the right to have a baby.

The Catechism in No. 2378 says, “A child is not something owed to one, but is a gift. The ‘supreme gift of marriage’ is a human person. A child may not be considered a piece of property, an idea to which an alleged ‘right to a child’ would lead. In this area, only the child possesses genuine rights: the right ‘to be the fruit of the specific act of the conjugal love of his parents,’ and ‘the right to be respected as a person from the moment of his conception.'”

This is a moment when you and your husband are called to a deeper level of commitment and love.

You might still become a mother; it is not impossible, and there could still be the possibility of an adoption. Here, your husband might need your prayers and support and encouragement for him to be open to either ethical medical procedures or an adoption.

Maybe you both need to reach a new level of trust in God’s providence and a new level of generosity.

This is a moment to intensify your prayer life and sacramental life. And please, for your own good, banish any thoughts of leaving your husband for sake of becoming a mother elsewhere. Those kinds of thoughts can corrode the spirit of the marriage.

Stay close to the Blessed Virgin Mary — and perhaps to one of the patron saints of overcoming infertility.

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!