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“Ask a Priest: How Do I Raise Kids Amid All the Pro-Gay Propaganda?”

October 26, 2021 / Ask a Priest

Q: My 7-year-old daughter mentioned hearing about someone being gay on a TV show she was watching. I have noticed more homosexual themes, as well as occult themes, in the TV shows we watch on Disney. I have also noticed that transgenderism seems more prevalent now. How do I teach my kids about homosexuality and transgenderism? What is the Catholic teaching on these two subjects? I’m afraid of teaching them something they might go repeat at school, and then suffer negative consequences (like loss of friendships or being labeled as hateful). Today I was reading that most of the men and women in Hollywood, politics and sports are transgender. I’m not sure how true it is, but I’m convinced that is probably is. Looking at it from a spiritual warfare perspective, it makes sense that this is true because it is how we are all being conditioned subconsciously to accept transgenderism, homosexuality and other non-biblical principles so that we lose our souls. Now after reading this today, I just feel scared. I’m afraid of my children losing their souls, and of me not being strong enough to teach them truth. It seems kind of hopeless, really, to think about how much evil is around now. – Kelly

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: My heart goes out to you. You have one of the toughest tasks, trying to raise children in the Catholic faith in a society that is becoming a swamp.

Unfortunately, there are no magic bullet solutions. But there are strategies you might consider.

First, think about detoxing your home of bad media. This includes cable TV (or at least blocking all but the truly reputable stations).

Your concerns about Disney are well-founded. It has long promoted a pro-homosexual agenda. (For instance, see The Atlantic’s article “It’s Not Just Frozen: Most Disney Movies Are Pro-Gay.”)

The company’s products and parks seem like a Trojan horse for those of us old enough to remember the days when Disney and wholesome family entertainment were synonymous. It’s paradoxical that so many traditionally minded parents cheerfully expose their children to Disney products.

If you decide to allow Disney films or other similar movies into your home, you might want to be prepared to discuss with your daughter any anti-family or anti-Christian values embedded in the plots.

Second, and this is the wider strategy, it helps to explain to your daughter in simple terms that:

— God created human beings as male and female, and willed that a man and a woman should get married is they want to start and raise a family so that the whole family can be holy and happy. God taught us this through the Bible and the Church but also through nature.

— Gays disagree and think that two men or two women can marry and start a family exactly like a man and woman who get married. They can’t.

— Some people believe that being born a man or a woman doesn’t matter. What matters to them is what they feel. This simply goes against reality. We are how God made us, and that means he has a plan for us as a man or as a woman.

— Some men think they are women and want to be treated as women. But life teaches us that we are never always treated as we want to be treated, and sometimes it is actually wrong to treat us as we want to be treated.

— Some of these people will get very upset if you talk to them about it or try to tell them they are wrong. They can also get upset if they find out you don’t agree with them. If they try to argue with you, just tell them, “I am sorry, I do not agree with you and I will pray for you,” and tell them you do not want to talk about it anymore. If you ever get confused about these things, come home and talk to Mom or Dad about it.

You would need to gauge how well your children can hold their own at school. It’s one thing to defend one’s views on a given day. It’s another to face opposition day after day, month after month.

In an extreme case, you might want to think about alternative ways to educate them. This could include homeschooling.

It can seem like a daunting task, but many parents find it is doable. You can find lots of helpful resources online, such as the Seton Home Study School.

And it might help to network with families facing similar challenges. You might ask at the parish if such families are nearby.

You mention “that most of the men and women in Hollywood, politics and sports are transgender.” That sounds wildly exaggerated, which might be a sign that you are reading items from extremist websites.

Extremism isn’t healthy, no matter which side of the political spectrum it comes from. So, you might want to stick with reputable sources such as EWTN, the National Catholic Register, Our Sunday Visitor, The Pillar, and Crux.

An outline of Church teaching on homosexuality and pastoral approaches can be found online. Catholic Answers has a posting on transgenderism that might help.

Above all, live the faith fully in your home. Pray with your children. Let them see you praying and going to confession and doing acts of charity for the poor. Those lessons will sink in and give them a full view of what it means to be Catholic.

God knows the task you face raising children today. And he has just the grace to sustain you.

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“Ask a Priest: Should I Ostracize My Gay Son?”

November 26, 2019 / Ask a Priest

Q: I dearly love my son, and when he said that he was homosexual although a Christian, I tried to accept him, all the while believing God has told me he will be healed and God will use this experience of his to help others know the Lord (Genesis 50:20). Now, four years after my son came out as gay, I feel as though God wants me to explain to him that he can’t call himself a Christian and be homosexual. He needs to renounce homosexuality because it is the way of death and rebellion. This means if he won’t repent, which he doesn’t seem to want to, I believe I will have to ostracize him so that he will know how serious his choice is. This is something God has given me a dream about. I believe it is an act of faith, hoping he will return to Christ. Please help me understand this dream I feel from God. Thank you. – J.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I am sorry to hear about the situation with your son. It is becoming a common problem nowadays.

It is good to remember that Jesus loves your son, and that Our Lord suffered and died on a cross for him. This could be a reminder that your basic approach to your son must continue to be one motivated by love.

It is good, too, to remember a key distinction. Having same-sex attractions is not sinful in itself. It is only when a person acts on those attractions, either in thought or deed, that they become sinful. Here, I infer from your question that your son is engaging in homosexual behavior.

It seems that you indeed love your son, and that you are considering ostracism as a kind of tough love to shock him into action and renouncing his homosexual lifestyle.

Perhaps this approach might work. Or perhaps it will alienate him further from the family and from a chance at conversion. Remember the words from the Book of Isaiah that were applied to Jesus: “A bruised reed he will not break, and a dimly burning wick he will not quench” (42:3).

You might want to consider keeping a channel of communication open with your son. If you want to exclude him and his “friends” from family events, that is understandable.

But it might be good to keep at least a discreet dialogue going with him. Eventually, many people tire of a gay lifestyle, and when they look for alternatives, it helps them if someone they love has been in contact with them.

There are three resources might help you.

One is the video “The Third Way.”

The second is the book “A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality.”

Obviously, it is a book designed for prevention, but its principles might give you helpful insights.

Third is the essay “Homosexuality and Hope.”

Whatever you do, keep praying for your son. Your work as his mom is something of a lifelong task.

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“Ask a Priest: Must We Avoid All Media That Have Themes Contrary to the Faith?”

October 4, 2019 / Ask a Priest

Q: Are we as Catholics obliged to avoid reading or watching books, movies, and TV shows that include gay characters? I know the secular world today is wanting to promote diversity and ideals that are contrary to Catholic belief (such as the normalization of homosexual relationships and radical feminism). There are rarely any books I’ve seen that shows characters accepting the true Christian approach to homosexuality. As an avid reader and book blogger, I know that if a book revolves around a gay character or couple, and the main theme is accepting and acting upon this sexuality, I know I should avoid it. But the line gets blurry for me when it comes to books that includes an LGBT character on the side (where he/she is not the main focus). Even some really good stories I’ve read and reviewed fall under these categories. Is it ever permissible to read such books or watch such movies/shows and even promote them, or is there a moral obligation to avoid them whenever possible? Some people might say, “They’re just movies or books,” but I know that they do hold immense power in impacting viewers and readers. – K.N.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It’s good that you are so mindful of the agenda at work in a lot of the secular media.

As Catholics we have the obligation to avoid material that would be a blatant near-occasion of sin, such as explicit sexual content in a movie or book. Beyond that, though, there is no simple answer in every instance.

Lots of serious literature and movies over the years have had less-than-saintly characters. Even the Bible has its share of edgy tales.

Secular media, of course, are a far cry from inspired Scripture. The latter points us to Christ. The former can lead us to the father of lies.

Perhaps an analogy is worth keeping in mind.

Try putting a frog in a pot of hot water, and it jumps out immediately. Put a frog in a pot of cool water and turn up the heat little by little. The frog won’t notice, even as it reaches death’s door.

The same can happen in the moral realm. We expose ourselves to certain seedy plots and racy characters, and eventually we can become numb to them. Along the way our worldview warps. What used to offend us, we now barely notice. Our conscience grows dull.

Meanwhile, the people around us might be going through the same process. The result: year by year the culture grows more accepting of what used to be unacceptable.

If we aren’t careful, we can feed that culture, in that we no longer challenge things the way we used to. Moreover, by consuming bad media, we nurture the demand for them. Hollywood obliges by producing more of the stuff. And so the downward spiral continues.

Suggestion: You might want to make a concerted effort in the other direction. Make Christian-friendly media your staple for consumption. Don’t go with the flow. And don’t be afraid to do some radical surgery, even up to cutting the TV cable and banning certain books from your reading list. When you do decide to read and review stories that promote a non-Christian worldview, be sure to clearly explain the downside even as you fairly explicate the good points.

Above all, whatever you do, remember 1 Corinthians 10:31 and “do everything for the glory of God.”

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“Ask a Priest: Can I Be Bisexual and Christian?”

October 1, 2019 / Ask a Priest

Q: Someone told me I can’t be Christian and bisexual. They said I wasn’t a real Christian. Is this true? – J.R.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good to remember that your core identity is that you are a son of God. You are not your “sexual identity.”

As a loving Father, God only wants the best for you. As a baptized Christian, you are incorporated into the mystical body of Christ and are called to follow the ways of Jesus.

Among the things Jesus asks of us is to live chastely. This means we are called to use our God-given gift of sexuality according to his plan. This means that intimate physical relations are proper only to a husband and a wife who are open to life.

As to your specific question …

Are you a Christian? If you baptized validly, yes, you are technically a Christian. If you believe in the divinity of Christ and the other tenets of the Gospels, yes, you could say that you are a believing Christian.

But if you are living a life that isn’t in accord with Christian teachings about sexuality, then you are a Christian who, well, isn’t living in accord with the Gospel.

In one sense you aren’t alone. We are all sinners. We are all a work in progress.

And while it’s one thing to struggle with failings and weaknesses, it’s quite another to embrace a lifestyle that is openly contrary to Christian principles.

You might ask yourself a few questions.

First, do you see a bisexual lifestyle as being in accord with Jesus’ teachings? If not, are you willing to cut with this lifestyle?

That someone has raised the issue with you, and the fact that you sent in this question, might be a sign that the Holy Spirit is trying to nudge you in the right direction.

If you have a problem with same-sex attraction — which is probably closer to the problem you are facing — then it’s good to remember that God is calling you to live chastely and to refrain from any kind of homosexual behavior.

Experiencing same-sex attraction isn’t a sin in itself. It’s when we choose to act on it that it becomes sinful. This is a distinction to keep in mind.

We all experience feelings or tendencies that we need to resist and govern so that they don’t lead us off the path of true happiness. Those feelings and tendencies come from our fallen human nature and the fallen world we live in. Same-sex attraction is one of those.

Jesus’ teaching lead us to true, lasting happiness in this life and the next. For God knows better than anyone what is best for us, since he created us.

Two numbers might be worth quoting from the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

2358. The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

2359. Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection. [end quoted material]

Note those last words, “Christian perfection.” That means you are called to be a saint. If Christ is asking that of you, he would certainly give you the grace to achieve holiness — if you do your part.

For more reading, you might look at:

— Why I Don’t Call Myself Gay

— Homosexuality and the Catholic Church

In the meantime try to maintain a solid prayer life. And read a bit of the Gospels daily. Count on my prayers.

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“Ask a Priest: What If I Were to Transgender?”

September 17, 2019 / Ask a Priest

Q: I am a new convert and joined the Church at the Easter vigil. I have a question regarding transgender sexuality. If a person is born male and they engage in sexual acts with another male, that is considered homosexual and a sin. But what if a person was born male, undergoes hormone therapy, surgery, etc., and transitions to female? Would it then be considered homosexual for that person to be involved with a male? Would it be considered homosexual/lesbian for this person to then be with a woman? Or, if a male transitions to female, is their only acceptable partner a female who transitioned to male? I have been struggling with what to consider. I am afflicted with transgender thoughts and am contemplating transitioning. But if I do, where do I fall? Completely celibate? Or is there a path for me to go forward and find a compatible partner? I would really appreciate some moral guidance. – R.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It’s good to see that you were drawn to the Church, and in that sense a warm welcome is in order. The catechesis you received before entering the Church now needs to be deepened and broadened.

It’s providential that you have entered the embrace of the Church now, since this gives you the chance to get real guidance.

Lesson one: All the talk about transgendering is nonsense.

You were created as a male. You are a beloved son of God. And his glory shines through you in your masculinity.

One of the key steps to happiness is learning to accept ourselves as we really area.

Pope Francis has touched on this theme in regard to our sexuality.

In his encyclical Laudato Si’ the Holy Father wrote:

“Pope Benedict XVI spoke of an ‘ecology of man,’ based on the fact that ‘man too has a nature that he must respect and that he cannot manipulate at will.’ It is enough to recognize that our body itself establishes us in a direct relationship with the environment and with other living beings.

“The acceptance of our bodies as God’s gift is vital for welcoming and accepting the entire world as a gift from the Father and our common home, whereas thinking that we enjoy absolute power over our own bodies turns, often subtly, into thinking that we enjoy absolute power over creation. Learning to accept our body, to care for it and to respect its fullest meaning, is an essential element of any genuine human ecology. Also, valuing one’s own body in its femininity or masculinity is necessary if I am going to be able to recognize myself in an encounter with someone who is different” (No. 155).

Being male or female doesn’t mean we are locked into stereotypical ways of dealing with life, however.

“It is true,” Francis writes in his apostolic exhortation Amoris Laetitia (No. 286), “that we cannot separate the masculine and the feminine from God’s work of creation, which is prior to all our decisions and experiences, and where biological elements exist which are impossible to ignore.”

He adds: “But it is also true that masculinity and femininity are not rigid categories. It is possible, for example, that a husband’s way of being masculine can be flexibly adapted to the wife’s work schedule. Taking on domestic chores or some aspects of raising children does not make him any less masculine or imply failure, irresponsibility or cause for shame. Children have to be helped to accept as normal such healthy ‘exchanges’ which do not diminish the dignity of the father figure.”

What might be happening in your particular case is that you are a bit confused about your identity. You are not accepting yourself as you are. That is a different kind of question.

The best thing would be to find a solid, regular confessor and/or spiritual director who can guide you. It might also be helpful to seek out a counselor (suggestion: Catholic Therapists).

For now, as always, you are called to live a life of chastity in the stage of life you find yourself. Homosexual behavior is absolutely prohibited.

As for the various scenarios you ask about, the simple rule is this: If born a male, a person has to conduct himself as a man. If born a female, a person has to conduct herself as a woman. Period.

If a life of celibacy awaits you, then that can be a path toward holiness. Celibacy doesn’t hold anyone back from loving others at the deepest level, as Christ loved others.

In any case, part of our call to love is to love ourselves as we are created.

Stay close to the Blessed Virgin Mary. She will help you to accept yourself.

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“Ask a Priest: How Can I Help a Pair of Gay Friends?”

August 2, 2019 / Ask a Priest

Q: I became Catholic when I was in undergrad, but before my conversion I met Joyce, who instantly became like an “adopted” mother to me. She was there for me in a time when I was separated from my family, and she and her partner became my “adopted” moms and I love them dearly. Over the past year my life has completely changed, and my relationship with God has grown immensely. Now I am on the discernment path of becoming a religious sister or a consecrated woman. Recently Joyce had a serious medical crisis, and it started to hit me about her and her partner living in sin as Catholics. What am I expected to say to them? Is it enough to love them and pray to God that God can transform their hearts and minds? If the answer is for me to share the concern, I am terrified of losing them because they have been such an important part of my life and really are “adopted” moms. I don’t know what to do. But I want to be living my life true to the Catholic Church and its teachings. Any thoughts you could share would be greatly appreciated. – C.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good to hear that your relationship with God has grown immensely.

You mention that Joyce and her partner helped you at a critical time of your time. Maybe now is the time when you can return the favor.

Obviously, you understand that their relationship is not within God’s plans. So it would be important not to give the impression that you support their lifestyle. You can love them as people without acquiescing to their domestic situation.

So where do you draw the line — should you dine with them? go on an afternoon outing with them? These decisions aren’t so easy.

Certainly, you would need to intensify your prayers for them and to ask the Holy Spirit for guidance.

You might try to consider whether one or the other is open to the Church’s teaching in the area of sexuality.

It might help to do some background reading first.

Two suggested books would be: Homosexuality and the Catholic Church and A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality. While geared toward a specific audience, the latter book can give you insights into the roots of same-sex attraction. Also helpful could be a video “The Third Way.”

It is good to remember that when we truly love someone, we want the best for them.

Helping people to draw closer to Christ and to live the Gospel is a key way we show our love. So anything you can do to help Joyce and her friend move toward a chaste life would be a true act of charity.

In the short run you might want to see if there is anything you should change in your own behavior.

For instance, if you visit them frequently and eat with them, what kind of message are you sending? Do they interpret your visits as your way of reaffirming them in their lifestyle? Or do they understand your reservations?

If you want to broach the subject of the moral dimension of their relationship, but don’t feel comfortable doing it with both of them at the same time, you might consider a private meeting with Joyce first, to discuss your concerns.

You could remind her of your love for her and your gratitude for her support. You might share how your relationship with her helped you a lot. Perhaps some of this will help set the stage for the tougher topic you want to address.

And addressing it might be easier than you think. It could be as simple as asking the two of them how they, as Catholics, reconcile their homosexual lifestyle with the teachings of Jesus.

Sincerely asking that question and sincerely listening to their answer could be a fruitful step forward. You don’t have to “solve” everything right away.

For them to be open to hear what you want to say about it, they need to know that you are sincerely open to hear what they have to say — that you really care about them and respect them. Similarly, we can still be friends with people who are Hindu, even though we neither share nor endorse their religious beliefs.

Likewise, a friendship like the one you describe can — at least in theory — endure some strong disagreements. The important thing is for you to be able to be honest, and for you to understand why it is that their lifestyle choice is, in the end, not good for them.

Again, intensify your prayer in the meantime. Offer up Masses and rosaries, so that the Holy Spirit will open the hearts of Joyce and her friend.

And be prepared — your message might not be well-received. If it isn’t, keep calm. Give Joyce a chance to tell her side of things.

People in same-sex relationship often struggle with childhood memories of rejection (or perceptions of rejection) or even abuse. So it is crucial that Joyce senses that you are motivated by love and not by judgmentalism.

One other suggestion: Be sure that you are networking with faithful Catholics. It is easier to live the faith within a community of believers. This is especially important if you are considering a life of consecration.

I hope some of this helps. Count on my prayers for you and your friends.

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“Ask a Priest: Gay and Virgin – Am I on the Right Path?”

April 30, 2019 / Ask a Priest

Q: I’m sort of a rare individual. I have never smoked, never did any drugs, don’t drink alcohol, never been violent with others. I am still a virgin. Now the punchline: I’m a gay, 55-year-old gentleman. I’ve always lived alone since I left my parents’ home at 20. I knew I was gay since I was around the age of 7. The Bible passages that have really helped me to stay clean are the following: The five out of 10 virgins that kept the oil reserves full; “Blessed are those who are pure of heart — they shall see God”; and “Be holy as your Father who is in heaven is holy.” Have I been on the right path and does my sacrifice have any value? I think so! I pray and offer my life and myself to God the Father united with Jesus crucified for all the gay and transgender people of the world, for their conversion. I received the grace of chastity and held on to it — it was a blessing from God because my virginity was my strength over all these years. Father, I would very much appreciate your comments. – R.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: You are definitely on the right path! Your sacrifice has clearly born fruit for Christ’s Kingdom and will continue to do so.

It seems as though you have had a great grace from God. You have lived precisely the way that the Church counsels those with same-sex attraction to live: chastely.

It sounds as though you have dedicated your life to prayer, Scripture reading and, I’m guessing here, the sacraments.

In a sense you are living out what the Catechism in No. 2359 says:

“Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.”

You have therefore given glory to God through your chaste living. And you might have been a model for many people over the years without realizing it. This is the kind of thing that will be revealed at judgment day.

It is wonderful, too, that you pray for people with same-sex difficulties and related issues. That, too, is a great work of mercy.

Stay close to the Blessed Virgin Mary, continue to pray and do acts of charity and mercy, and you can become a saint. I hope you achieve that.

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