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“Ask a Priest: What If I’m Told to Stop Confessing the Same Sins?”

/ Ask a Priest, Confession, Sin and Repentance
Q: I’m wondering about something that has been said to me several times during confession. After I have finished confessing my sins (I generally go to the same priest), the priest tells me to stop saying the same sins. This is incredibly disheartening as I am repeating the same sins, and because it is the same confessor it is most embarrassing to go and say the same thing. I usually consider that it is part of going to say sorry, and I am trying to improve. Is this comment something I should just bear with? I want to be completely honest, and when I go to confession, I pray before and after, very much searching my conscience. I think the priest is trying to help me, but isn’t God and his grace going to perfect me? Can I tell my priest this comment hurts me, or should I just take it as respectfully as I can? -K.S.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I’m assuming that these “same sins” are venial sins, since to withhold mortal sins would make the sacrament invalid.

It is possible that the confessor thinks your constant repeating of the same sins might be counterproductive. I imagine he is trying to help you, though his advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt.

First, it isn’t unusual that we confess that same sins. We are creatures of habit, and some habits become deeply ingrained. They are hard to change. We might have developed habits of anger or vanity or laziness or whatever — these take time and prayer and work and the grace of God to overcome. Besides, struggling with our faults and weaknesses and day-to-day venial sins can help us stay humble.

Second, the Church encourages us to confess venial sins. The Catechism in No. 1458 says:

“Without being strictly necessary, confession of everyday faults (venial sins) is nevertheless strongly recommended by the Church. Indeed the regular confession of our venial sins helps us form our conscience, fight against evil tendencies, let ourselves be healed by Christ and progress in the life of the Spirit. By receiving more frequently through this sacrament the gift of the Father’s mercy, we are spurred to be merciful as he is merciful.”

So, you aren’t wrong to confess venial sins, even the same ones over and over.

Now, let’s step back a moment. There might be various factors that prompted the confessor’s advice.

First, he might detect some scrupulosity and is trying to help you focus on other issues. If scrupulosity is indeed a problem, then he as a regular confessor would be in a better situation to help you.

Second, he might detect that you are in a rut, in the sense that he isn’t perceiving more progress in your spiritual life. Maybe he is trying to get you to look at bigger issues or approach things in a different way.

For instance, instead of your saying, “I was angry with my boss” for the umpteenth time, perhaps he is hoping that you say something like, “I failed to see Christ in my boss, I failed to see him as a brother whom I need to be more patient with.” (This is a speculative point, but I offer it anyway.)

Third, some clergy and spiritual directors over the years have suggested that it is better to focus on one or two of the most common sins, and just mention them, but to do so in depth. The example above would apply here too. The idea is to do more introspection in order to understand the roots of a particular sin. For example, why don’t you get along with your boss? Perhaps the boss reminds you of someone from the past. Or perhaps you have a problem with authority. Or perhaps you have doubts about whether you should be working where you are working.

Ideally a regular confessor could help a penitent go deeper in order to understand the basis for patterns of sin and to help combat these sins systematically.

If you feel as if you have hit a limit with your confessor, then perhaps it is a moment to look for another one, or at least to go to another confessor occasionally.

It might be helpful to see the RC Spirituality Retreat Guide on confession, “From Sorrow to Joy,” especially the conference (which is the final video or the last part of the PDF document).

Whatever you do, continue to take advantage of the sacrament. It is a great source of grace. And don’t despair if you find it hard to shake certain sins. This is part of the human condition. We wrestle with problems all the days of our lives, but with a spirit of hope in God’s providence.

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“Ask a Priest: Is it OK to Vent About Someone?”

/ Ask a Priest, Moral and Social Issues
Q: Is venting a possibility? Can one talk behind someone’s back (in a negative way) for therapeutic reasons or to deal with one’s anger toward another? Is this possible? The person does not want to hurt the other, just deal with it. -P.S.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Venting is certainly a possibility, given fallen human nature. But it can quickly become a very uncharitable exercise that ruins the good name of a person. And rather than being therapeutic, venting can become a habit that drags down one’s spirit and the spirit of all those in the vicinity.

A few numbers from the Catechism are worth quoting:

No. 2475. Christ’s disciples have “put on the new man, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” By “putting away falsehood,” they are to “put away all malice and all guile and insincerity and envy and all slander.”

No. 2477. Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury. He becomes guilty:

— of rash judgment who, even tacitly, assumes as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor;

— of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them;

— of calumny who, by remarks contrary to the truth, harms the reputation of others and gives occasion for false judgments concerning them.

No. 2478. To avoid rash judgment, everyone should be careful to interpret insofar as possible his neighbor’s thoughts, words, and deeds in a favorable way.

That last number is a helpful guide in daily life. So often we are tempted to assume the worst of others — and proceed to share our assumptions with others. This is the kind of thing that can poison a workplace or school or neighborhood. And we shouldn’t kid ourselves that venting isn’t going to hurt other people. It does, and with the coming of Internet and e-mail and texting, nasty comments can gain traction and spread rapidly.

I’d suggest a few things. First, cultivate a spirit of mercy and forgiveness. Our Lord actually prayed from the cross for his tormentors. “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). If Christ could suffer and die for that person who rubs us the wrong way, shouldn’t we be willing to show some mercy to that person?

Second, when you are simply boiling up inside and need to express yourself (“vent”), feel free to do so in prayer. God can handle it! Sometimes, though, we need to speak to another human person in order to clear the air and help process our emotions. When this is necessary, focus on expressing your own emotions and how hard it is for you to deal with them. Avoid condemning other persons, their motivations (what you think are their motivations) and their shortcomings. That kind of venting will never actually help us get back to an even keel. It will leave us bitter and angry — maybe even more than when we started venting.

Third, cultivate the habit of speaking well of others, of looking for the good in others. What tremendous good you would do if you tried to keep conversations positive. It would change the atmosphere of the office, the school, the neighborhood. It would be a great act of charity, and it wouldn’t cost much. You’d be surprised what a pleasant habit it could become. I pray that you consider pursuing just such a habit.

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“Ask a Priest: How do I get out of the loop of sinning and then continually asking for forgiveness?”

/ Ask a Priest, Confession, Sin and Repentance
Q: If we are saved, what are the negative impacts of sin? If we are forgiven for anything, why should we do good? I want to do better and I need motivation. What I constantly hear is that we are forgiven and that if we ask for forgiveness then everything is fine again, and it sets me in a loop where I can just sin and then ask for forgiveness over and over. –J.W.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Be careful. It’s easy to misinterpret that phrase “We are saved.” True, the Catechism in No. 621 says, “Jesus freely offered himself for our salvation.” No. 622 adds, “The redemption won by Christ consists in this, that he came ‘to give his life as a ransom for many.'”

A cursory reading of those numbers could give the impression that our salvation is assured because of Jesus’ sacrifice. What is assured is that Jesus has opened the possibility of our reaching heaven. But that is no guarantee that everyone will, in fact, do so.

No. 1949 of the Catechism uses more nuance: “Called to beatitude but wounded by sin, man stands in need of salvation from God. Divine help comes to him in Christ through the law that guides him and the grace that sustains him: ‘Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for God is at work in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.'”

Note those words “man stands in need of salvation” — we need salvation, it’s not a given.

The negative impacts of sin are numerous — just pick up any newspaper or click into a news website to get a sampling of the evils out there. And that’s just the stuff that gets reported. The Catechism in No. 1855 says, “Mortal sin destroys charity in the heart of man by a grave violation of God’s law; it turns man away from God, who is his ultimate end and his beatitude, by preferring an inferior good to him. Venial sin allows charity to subsist, even though it offends and wounds it.”

Now to the rest of your question. It’s good that you want to do better. It’s important that you seek forgiveness for your sins. But, again, be careful about language. To say that “everything is fine again” after we ask for forgiveness needs to be clarified.

Yes, our sins are forgiven when we make a good confession (see here). But a good confession demands contrition (sorrow of some kind for having sinned) and a resolution to not sin again. Ideally that resolution should be real and fervent. That means we come out of confession wanting to amend our ways. Without some kind of resolution, the confession might not even be valid. We couldn’t confess, for instance, having watched bad videos, when we have every intention of then going home and watching the same kinds of videos.

That we fall into sin again is another matter. We are human, we are weak. Our Lord knows this. The important thing is that we keep trying to fight bad habits and develop good habits. All that demands effort and prayer and sacrifice — a lifelong task. So to say “everything is fine again” after confession doesn’t do justice to how much we have to fight to overcome our faults and failings.

Then, too, receiving absolution for our sins and doing the penance is not enough. There is still a temporal punishment due for sins. Think of this analogy: Imagine your neighbor through negligence breaks your car windshield. He apologizes and you forgive him. You have “absolved” him, in a sense. But justice demands that he also pay for a new windshield — that’s what temporal punishment is about. It’s about restoring a certain order to things.

No. 1472 of the Catechism touches on this theme: “Grave sin deprives us of communion with God and therefore makes us incapable of eternal life, the privation of which is called the ‘eternal punishment’ of sin. On the other hand, every sin, even venial, entails an unhealthy attachment to creatures, which must be purified either here on earth, or after death in the state called Purgatory. This purification frees one from what is called the ‘temporal punishment’ of sin. These two punishments must not be conceived of as a kind of vengeance inflicted by God from without, but as following from the very nature of sin. A conversion which proceeds from a fervent charity can attain the complete purification of the sinner in such a way that no punishment would remain.”

What this means in practice is that we need to make up for the temporal punishment due to our sins. We can do this through a range of remedies: prayer, almsgiving, fasting, acts of charity, etc. These are the kinds of things that can and should keep us busy all our life. What we don’t make up for in this world, we would have to make up in purgatory (assuming we don’t die in mortal sin, in which case we are lost forever).

So, if someone sins with the idea that he can just confess it later and get off the hook, well, that’s a very faulty attitude. It treats of God’s mercy in so casual a way as to be presumptuous.

What all of us need to do, in the face of our sinfulness, is be humble, ask forgiveness, start over, and make a daily effort at growing in our relationship with God. This helps us to rise above that “loop” that you mention, and to really strive for holiness — and happiness too.

True happiness comes from a deeper and deeper friendship with God. Every sin wounds the friendship. Yes, God will forgive us, but how can our friendship really grow (and thus my happiness in this life really grow), if I am constantly offending my friend and then asking for forgiveness? The friendship will never get to advance in that way. To really grow in holiness and happiness, my friendship has to grow, and that means I have to stop offending my friend.

When you go into confession, resolve to come out a man recommitted to doing your Friend’s will at every moment. And remember Pope Francis’ words, “The Lord never tires of forgiving.… It is we who tire of asking for forgiveness.” Count on my prayers that you never tire of asking forgiveness and resolving to do better. God bless.

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“Ask a Priest: Why do humans feel the way they do even when it is sinful?”

/ Ask a Priest, General
Q: I know people say sins are a choice, which I agree with to an extent. Sometimes I honestly believe people cannot help who they are. For example, I am more predisposed to anxiety, vanity, etc. Yes, I should stop. It is not always that easy. I understand how to stop doing sins in action, but feelings are difficult to control. Does the Bible ever explain this? I honestly feel I cannot help being envious of others at times. Someone in the same position may feel differently, but still that is how I feel. I know it is sinful to get very angry, envious, etc. Why do humans feel the way they do even when it is sinful? -Y.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Your question touches on an age-old problem. St. Paul summed up the struggle he felt within himself when he wrote, “What I do, I do not understand. For I do not do what I want, but I do what I hate” (Romans 7:15).

The heart of the problem is original sin. One of the results of the fall of Adam in the Garden of Eden (see Genesis 3) was that human nature was damaged, and just about all of us inherited original sin as a consequence. (The Blessed Virgin Mary by a special grace of God did not inherit it.)

Original sin isn’t what we call an actual sin — it is not something we commit. Rather, original sin is a defect in human nature (see the Catechism, No. 389). Original sin is taken away by baptism, but it leaves an aftereffect. This aftereffect is called concupiscence. It is a tendency to evil. Experience teaches that it is all around us. People more easily lean toward laziness and lying and envy and greed and lust than to hard work and honesty and humility and chastity. It isn’t easy to overcome vices.

In that sense it is understandable that you find yourself prone to anxiety and vanity and anger. You are human and therefore you have a fallen human nature like the rest of us.

Does this mean we should just throw up our hands and give up? No. What it means is that we need to be humble. We need to recognize that we are sinners and that we need God’s help.

And God calls all of us to be holy. Jesus exhorts us to “be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). Jesus isn’t expecting us literally to be as perfect as God — only God can be as perfect as God. Rather, Jesus is urging us to strive for perfection as much as possible, counting on his help. “For God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).

So where does this leave you? First, if you are aware of your tendency to sin, that is a good start — at least you recognize sin for what it is. What you need to do next is not be satisfied with staying in sin. You need to realize that God is calling you to holiness and that you need to start overcoming your bad habits. This isn’t easy, but God will help you.

Second, be patient! Real growth in virtue takes time, it is gradual. Our Lord hints at this in the Gospel. “This is how it is with the kingdom of God; it is as if a man were to scatter seed on the land and would sleep and rise night and day and the seed would sprout and grow, he knows not how. Of its own accord the land yields fruit, first the blade, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear” (Mark 4:26-28). Growth in the virtue follows a dual track: our effort (like the farmer) and God’s grace. For grace builds on nature.

Let me add a word about feelings. They are spontaneous, they come and go. And that is why they are a weak basis for anything solid. One goal in the spiritual life is to integrate our feelings and not to let them dictate our lives. We need to bring our will power to bear and to make decisions based on prayer and reflection rather than passing feelings. This takes time but it is doable if we remain humble and persevering in prayer and effort.

So work on your prayer life. Make time for prayer every day, preferably in the morning, at midday and at night, at least. Frequent the sacraments, especially confession.

And try to come up with a program of life. Just as a company has a business plan for the year, so it helps to have a plan for our spiritual life.

The first step is to try to identify our root sin. There are three major root sins: pride, vanity, and sensuality. With pride, we put ourselves first. With vanity, we put other people’s opinions first. With sensuality, we put pleasure first.

Most people have a combination of all three vices, but one usually sticks out. To help identify yours, see this post.

Once you identify your root sin, you want to fight it systematically by drawing up and following a program of life. For more reading click here.

Above all, don’t count yourself short. And don’t underestimate the power of God’s grace. Count on my prayers for you. God bless!

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!