Grudges

Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Could I Hold Grudges in Heaven?”

Q: I tend to be a bit of a grudge holder, and there are lots of people in this world that I really can’t stand to be around. I feel like this feeling is here to stay no matter what I do, so I am wondering if I were to die and go to heaven, would it still be a crime to want to avoid them completely even when I’m there if they were to somehow make it up there too? – D.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Holding grudges against people can be a serious sin against charity. It shows a manifest refusal to forgive others.

As such, it is the kind of offense that could keep a soul from reaching heaven.

It might be worth pondering that reality.

Jesus is willing to forgive us our many sins. In turn, he asks us to forgive others. He warns, “If you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:15).

Notice that this is not a mere suggestion from Our Lord.

So much did Jesus drive home the point that he included that petition in the Our Father, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

A few clarifications might make things easier in the way of love and forgiveness.

First, Jesus tells us to love one another. But he doesn’t insist that we have to like one another.

Loving someone means that we wish the best for the person and that we hope he reaches heaven someday.

Liking someone means that we find a person naturally agreeable. Our personalities match. We get along easily. While that is OK as far as it goes, it doesn’t go deep enough.

We might like the guy at work who’s always joking and always buying coffee and doughnuts for the office. But we might not care that he’s on his fourth marriage or that he’s a borderline alcoholic. We might like him, but we don’t love him in the Christian sense that we are really concerned about his soul.

Then there is the act of forgiveness itself. Forgiveness is an act of the will, not the feelings. We can make an act of forgiveness even if our feelings for someone are still bruised.

The key thing is that we want to forgive. We can’t control our feelings so easily, however. Feelings tend to drag up the rear. So don’t worry if, after forgiving someone, you still feel the wounds that he inflicted on you. Feelings take a while to dissipate.

If you want to go deeper into this topic sometime, the book Forgiveness: A Catholic Approach might be helpful.

Again, this is the kind of thing to ponder in the light of eternity.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What Should I Do With Lingering Anger?”

Q: Back in March I mildly sprained an index finger. My family doctor was on vacation so I went to of those walk-in medical facilities. Unfortunately I was seen by an incompetent doctor who pulled and pushed on my finger as way of “examining me” and made my condition worse. Now here it is almost three months later and I am still suffering because of what this disgusting person did to me. I have been to two specialists and am still in pain! To make matters worse, I have tried filing charges against this individual, but because of New York State’s legal system have been given a hard time every step of the way. I am overcome with feeling of hatred for that doctor. Many days I wish it were possible to pay someone to give him a beating and put him in the hospital. I know as a Christian it wrong to feel this way and don’t know what to do. Please help! -L.S.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I am sorry to hear of your medical problem growing worse because of bad treatment. It sounds, though, that the pain this doctor inflicted on you has prompted you to inflict an even worse pain on yourself.

By nursing hatred toward this person, you are hurting yourself, spiritually and maybe physically as well. Hatred can gnaw at a person’s spirit and wear her down.

This isn’t coming from heaven; it is coming from somewhere else. Perhaps the devil is using the initial medical mistake to tempt you toward this hatred. Or perhaps there is something that has been troubling you, and this doctor was just the occasion for anger to bubble up.

Rather than try to analyze you psychologically (which isn’t my competence), I would suggest that you try to get to confession and put all this bitterness in Our Lord’s hands. You don’t want go through life harboring a grudge. To help you get over the anger, think of all ways Jesus has shown his forgiveness to you. In turn, he asks us to extend mercy to others. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

By asking us to forgive others, Jesus is actually trying to make our lives easier. It takes much more energy to despise someone than to accept them.

For more reading, see this interview.

To help you reflect more deeply on your own experience and to make the distinction between the feeling of anger (justified in this case) and the sin of anger, you might find this article helpful.

Perhaps it might be helpful to on meditate on the scene of Jesus on the cross, when he says, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.” Then see if perhaps Our Lord is inviting you to imitate that same spirit of forgiveness. I hope some of this helps.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Is Someone Still Bound If I Don’t Forgive Him?”

Q: It is my understanding that Scripture states we must forgive in order to be forgiven, and more or less limitlessly. Is that correct? Also, I think that I’ve read something along the lines of, if we do not forgive someone of something, then they are still bound to it (not forgiven by God the Father?). Surely it’s not implying that the fate of another soul could be, in part, determined by me somehow? One thing I am having the most trouble with is knowing for sure if I actually have forgiven someone. If I say that I have forgiven something but am still angered/hurt by it, then have I truly forgiven it? And how can I truly forgive if I know for sure the person isn’t sorry? –D.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Ultimately, sin offends God, and his forgiveness is what counts. So even if you don’t forgive someone, God can still forgive that person.

God wants us to forgive, in part, because he has forgiven us so much. We would be ungrateful not to extend his mercy to others through our own acts of forgiveness. A spirit of forgiveness also liberates us. Otherwise we could spend a lot of time stewing over past wounds and doing even more damage to ourselves.

And yes, ideally there should be no limit to our forgiveness, even when offenders fail to express remorse. Here, forgiveness means that we resolve not to hold a grudge against someone in our heart.

It is worth noting that our forgiveness differs from God’s forgiveness. An unrepentant soul, for instance, might end up lost for eternity. God didn’t forgive that person, but not because God held a grudge. Rather, it was because the sinner simply wasn’t repentant, and God doesn’t force his forgiveness on anyone.

In our case, as mentioned at the start, our forgiveness doesn’t release souls from sin; only God can do that. Our forgiveness, in contrast, is a kind of letting go of hurt, of just wishing the best for a soul, of commending them to God’s mercy. We can show this kind of forgiveness no matter how the person reacts. This means we aren’t leaving our peace of mind in the hands of another person. Rather, we are choosing to make an act of forgiveness, as God asks, and that can bring us peace.

Forgiveness is an act of the will. Don’t worry if you still have hurt feelings toward someone. Hurt feelings take time to heal. But good feelings are not essential for an act of forgiveness – it is the act of the will.

Forgiveness isn’t the same as condoning, by the way. It doesn’t go against justice; rather, it is a participation in the kind of mercy God shows. We who are sinners and who have been forgiven by God so much, need to be similarly merciful to others. This is a kind of justice.

You might find this video helpful.

For more reading, you might consider two of my colleague Father John Bartunek’s articles beginning with this one. For extensive reading see Forgiveness Is a Choice, by Robert Enright.

If ever you find it hard to forgive, just remember that your sins help put Jesus on a cross. And he is the one who asks us to forgive others.

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!