grieving

Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What Can I Say to a Grieving Widow With No Faith?”

Q: When my brother-in-law died, it was sudden but not unexpected as he was in poor health. My sister called me as I’m her closest relative, just a few blocks away. She was and is devastated. She has been agnostic for most of her life. They were married in the Catholic Church, though he wasn’t Catholic. I’m at a loss on how to console her since she has no faith. Of course, I’m praying for them behind the scenes. Anyway, what happens to him? I’ve read somewhere that at moment of death God will give you the opportunity to finally say yes to him. I’m praying that this is true. Any words of wisdom? Thank you. – G.W.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I’m sorry to hear about the death of your brother-in-law.

We can’t really guess the state of someone’s soul, including those who didn’t seem to have faith. God alone knows the heart and mind of each person.

Perhaps your brother-in-law was secretly searching for truth and trying to live the best way he knew how. God takes all of that into account and is as merciful as he can be at the particular judgment.

And at the moment of death the Almighty could give a person a special grace to say yes to him. We can always hope.

In the meantime, it would be good to pray for your sister and brother-in-law, and to let your sister know that you are praying for the both of them.

This sudden death might be an occasion for your sister to reconsider some of her own beliefs, or lack of them. At this moment she might even be more open to hearing about our hope in eternal life.

You might try mentioning to her and that the love she had for her husband is a taste of the love that God has for each of us.

Indeed, the love that couples have for each other can give them a sense of something higher than themselves that unites them. This, too, is a taste of the Almighty, for “God is love” (1 John 4:8).

You might try explaining at an opportune moment why you are praying for her husband. Our prayers for the dead are our sign of faith in a heaven, and they express our hope for the resurrection of all the deceased someday.

Above all, it would be good to just reassure your sister of your love for her. If helpful, you might pass on books that speak about the faith and/or the afterlife. Two suggestions would be Heaven, the Heart’s Deepest Longing and Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Heaven.

I hope some of this helps.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What If My Grieving Brother Lost His Faith in Jesus?”

Q: I have a brother who lost his wife due to cancer. She was young and a very strong Christian. She did not want to be put on drugs to save her, for she was in the last stages. She prayed very hard for God to “take the devil out of her.” I believe he did just that when he took her to heaven. My brother, though, does not believe in Jesus Christ any longer. His wife was such a devout Christian, and he thinks Jesus did not hear her pleas. How can I make my brother believe that Christ is truly here with us and hearing our prayers? He believes now that once you’re gone, that’s it. Thanks for any help you can give me. – K.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Please accept my condolences on the passing of your sister-in-law. The presence of death and evil is one of the great mysteries of this world. How do we reconcile this with the existence of an all-powerful, all-loving God?

There is no simple answer. This question has puzzled mankind for millennia. The Book of Job confronted this question, though its answers still leave many people guessing.

Perhaps the best answer is Christ himself. No one was more innocent than he, yet he suffered and died a terrible death for our redemption. Moreover, it was God the Father who sent his Son to die for us. That is a remarkable sign of his love for all of us.

As for pain and evil in the world, it seems that God allows them in order to bring about something good.

Why did the family see your sister-in-law as a devout Christian? Probably because of her faith  and charity and humility. And why did she stand out for these virtues? Probably because they are relatively hard to find nowadays.

In other words, her goodness stood out, and was appreciated by those around her, precisely because she was a contrast to the widespread evil in the world. This is one paradoxical way that God brings good out of bad — we can see the beauty of a devout Christian more clearly against a dark background.

Perhaps, too, your sister-in-law offered up her suffering for the salvation of souls. Maybe her example inspired others and led others to a deeper conversion. We won’t be sure about this until the last judgment. But we can have faith that God was able to bring something good out of her suffering.

For now, it is understandable that your brother is grieving. And if his faith is a bit weak, it is understandable that he is seeing things in the worst light.

At an opportune moment it might be good to remind your brother that he can have the hope of being reunited with his wife someday. But he will have to try to stay close to Jesus as she did. How else could her holiness be explained, but by her closeness to Our Lord?

Also, when the time is right, you might want to help your brother remember all the good that he received through the gift of his wife in his life. We are all going to die. Death is a guarantee for each of us.

That his wife died sooner than he would have preferred doesn’t negate the beauty and the goodness of his relationship with her during the years that she was still here. It’s all a matter of what we choose to focus our attention on.

And who is to say that God, instead of giving her a cure for cancer, didn’t give her something better: entrance to paradise?

From what you describe, it sounds as though your sister-in-law was deeply touched by her relationship with Jesus, and that bond strengthened her till the end of her life. We can easily imagine that she now prays that the husband she left behind will discover the value of that same kind of relationship.

For more reading you might look at Making Sense Out of Suffering, by Peter Kreeft.

Count on my prayers for you and your family.

Keep learning more with Ask a Priest

Got a question? Need an answer?

Today’s secular world throws curve balls at us all the time. AskACatholicPriest is a Q&A feature that anyone can use. Just type in your question or send an email to [email protected] and you will get a personal response back from one of our priests at RCSpirituality. You can ask about anything – liturgy, prayer, moral questions, current events… Our goal is simply to provide a trustworthy forum for dependable Catholic guidance and information. So go ahead and ask your question…

“Ask a Priest: What If My Grieving Brother Lost His Faith in Jesus?” Read More »

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!