fraternal correction Archives

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“Ask a Priest: Should We Speak Up When We See Things Amiss?”

October 20, 2020 / Ask a Priest

Q: With so much going on that’s against our faith (abortion, violent protesters of various kinds, etc.), do we have an obligation to speak up? What if it’s around us and no one is talking to us, per se? It’s hard seeing such terrible things from friends on social media, yet is it my place to say something? I tend to stay quiet, but I get the feeling too many people are staying quiet. At the same time there aren’t many people who actually want to discuss things. They just want to hear from people with similar views. – A.M.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: You “get the feeling too many people are staying quiet.” There is a lot of truth to that.

People of faith need to speak up more in the public arena. The forces of darkness certainly aren’t bashful about promoting their views.

It’s one thing to say the right thing. It’s another to say in the right place at the right time to the right people.

If you see “terrible things” from friends on social media, it might be a great act of charity to offer a bit of fraternal correction. Help them to consider the Christian viewpoint. Otherwise, our silence can be construed as consent. This we want to avoid.

The best defense in this case might be a strong offense. That is, look for ways to let your views be known on an ongoing basis.

You might adopt a biblical passage as part of your signature in e-mails, for instance. “Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you” (Isaiah 49:15). That kind of thing can signal to others where you stand on abortion.

When you do feel the need to say something, it might help to pray about it first. If you write an e-mail, let it sit for a while. Then re-read it and see if its tone is charitable. Folks are more open to hearing another point of view if it is done charitably.

You might consider, too, whether it’s worth trying to raise certain issues with people. You mention that some people just want to hear from others with similar views.

Folks caught in an echo chamber find it hard to hear opposing viewpoints, so you would want to be prudent. Attempts at dialogue with them might only end up making them antagonistic toward the Christian message. Remember Jesus’ warning about throwing pearls in the wrong place (Matthew 7:6).

Then again, not all issues have the same weight. Some issues are more debatable from a moral and prudential point of view.

A group might have some good goals as well as questionable goals, without its being explicitly anti-Catholic. This kind of thing isn’t on the same level as the killing of unborn children.

So, you might want to pick your battles well. You need not feel as though you have to speak up about everything. We don’t need to make daily life a constant string of arguments. Even Jesus picked his battles well. But when he did, he battled stalwartly.

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“Ask a Priest: How Do I Tell Someone That She Isn’t Fair?”

October 2, 2020 / Ask a Priest

Q: How do I tell a person to whom I owe gratitude that it’s wrong for her to treat her workers unfairly? – M.C.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: If you are very sure that she is indeed treating workers unfairly, you might want to share your observation with her charitably and discreetly.

If you owe her a debt of gratitude, that is all the more reason to see fraternal correction as a form of charity that can help repay some of that debt. For it’s not easy to correct a person who has helped us.

Before approaching her about the workers, it would be good to pray first. Ask the Holy Spirit for guidance to say the right thing in the right way.

Also helpful would be to an act of charity before you speak with her. That is, look for a moment when you have just done her a favor and she thanks you. You could pause and say, “Sally, would you have a moment? There’s been something on my heart …”

When you bring up your observations, try to limit your comments, and back them up with examples. Avoid coming across as judgmental.

Instead of saying, “Sally, you treat your workers badly,” you might say, “You know, Sally, I noticed last week that you had a tough deadline to meet. I noticed that you loudly corrected Donna in front of the whole staff, and that she was quite upset the rest of the day. For myself, I always appreciate it when a boss points out something to me discreetly …”

Then, let Sally give her side of the story if she wants. Just listen to her patiently, without getting into an argument. Sometimes it’s better just to raise a point and then give the other person time to absorb it.

Try to add a positive comment at the end. “I know you do a lot for the company, Sally, and I know it helps the staff when you give them encouragement. I hope you don’t mind me sharing this concern I had.”

It would help to keep praying for Sally, too. Bosses often have a lot more on their shoulders than we imagine.

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“Ask a Priest: Should I Speak Up If a Boss Talks About Pursuing IVF?”

April 10, 2020 / Ask a Priest

Q: I know that we should fraternally correct others if there is an occasion for scandal. There have been some instances where I was silent about matters that were presented to me. Such as my supervisor telling me that she was lesbian and wanted to do artificial insemination and I kept quiet. Maybe I said, “Oh, really” or something like that. In another circumstance, my family members put a pirated movie on TV in a dinner we had, and I kept quiet but avoided watching it myself, although sometimes peeked because it was right in front of me. In another case, I admired someone’s hard work on a Sunday, though the work might have been unnecessary. In cases like this, when I keep quiet, am I sinning by not correcting them? Is this the sin of scandal or am I just being scrupulous? – J.L.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Fraternal correction can be an act of love and, since we are called as Christians to love, such correction can be an obligation at times.

Deciding when and how to speak up, however, takes prudence.

On the one hand, we aren’t called to go around policing others. On the other hand, we should try to educate others when there are serious issues at hand.

In the case of your supervisor, you might want to let her know that children have a right be to conceived within a real marriage, not produced in a lab. And you might also tell her that IVF often involves the destruction of tiny human lives.

For your own reading see https://www.ncbcenter.org/files/2614/3094/3360/IVFPreachingPoints.pdf.

You might share this link with your supervisor: https://www.ncbcenter.org/resources/information-topic/dignitas-personae/techniques-assisting-fertility/.

My guess is that this is hard sell. If she’s a practicing lesbian, she might not be open to the message about IVF. But here the goal is to at least share the truth with her – there are lives at stake, after all. Whether your supervisor accepts the message is another matter.

As for the pirated movie: you might choose a good time to let family members know that in general you are uncomfortable with such material. Perhaps they will at least not show it when you are around.

As for people working on Sunday: while you might not be required to lecture them (especially if you aren’t close to them), you shouldn’t be encouraging them either. In any case, the evaluation about whether the work was unnecessary is a judgment the other person needs to make for himself.

Now, don’t get discouraged with yourself. Integrating our faith with our actions and uniting all of this to evangelization is not an easy task. It takes time.

The important thing is that you don’t just drift through life keeping quiet about everything. This is one reason why the world is a mess: we Christians don’t give better witness.

In other words, a good offense is the best defense. Be open about your faith with others. This lets them know where you are coming from.

Perhaps some of this is worth taking to prayer. You certainly would want to consider praying for your supervisor, who has a long way to go in her spiritual journey.

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“Ask a Priest: What If Members of My Church Group Don’t Dress Modestly?”

February 7, 2020 / Ask a Priest

Q: I’m having trouble with some requirements about fraternal correction. They are: a reasonable hope that the correction will be heeded and the sinner will amend their ways, and if someone else is more qualified and likely to correct them. So, for example, in my church group, I see some girls wearing tight pants or immodest clothing. And one of the group coordinators has a Facebook page in which she dresses quite immodestly and posts pictures on her profile. So my question is, am I obliged to correct them? I don’t have much rapport with them, only know them from the group and don’t talk much with them. There is a priest who frequents our meetings, so he is more qualified to correct them — although maybe not likely to do it. And all of them are nice Catholics who are trying to grow, so maybe my correction might do them good but I don’t know. Maybe they will think I’m nuts or too strict. And, of course, the Church has no set rules for modesty, which makes it hard to tell them anything. – K.D.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: You touch on a very important topic, one of those elephant-in-the-corner issues. It’s big, everyone knows it’s there, but not enough people speak about it openly.

So to start out: No, you aren’t nuts for being concerned about these young women.

And while the Church doesn’t issue set rules on how to dress, it does offer important principles. The Catechism in No. 2521 says:

“Purity requires modesty, an integral part of temperance. Modesty protects the intimate center of the person. It means refusing to unveil what should remain hidden. It is ordered to chastity to whose sensitivity it bears witness. It guides how one looks at others and behaves toward them in conformity with the dignity of persons and their solidarity.”

I don’t know all the details of your situation. But it might be a fair to venture a few observations.

First, the fact that these young women are involved in a church group shows a lot good will. So let’s assume that their hearts are in the right place.

Second, they have been influenced (poorly) by the wider culture. Modesty is not a strong point of media, including social media. Young people feed on and mimic what they see on a screen, like fish feeding on polluted riverbeds.

So what path might start to lead to a solution? A few suggestions might help.

First, pray for the young women in your circle. Pray that the Holy Spirit open their hearts to the beauty and dignity of modesty.

Second, think of programs and activities that might attract the attention of the young women. This could range from theology of the body courses, to activities used by groups such as Pure Fashion.

It’s good to help the young women understand that modesty isn’t prudishness. Modesty can help them to understand and appreciate their own dignity, and it even enables them to radiate a deeper beauty.

Third, you might ask that priest who frequents the meetings for his ideas. He might not want to bring up the topic of modesty directly with the group, since it might come across as a public indictment of the young women sitting in front of him.

Rather, he might prefer another approach, such as giving a mini-retreat on the Blessed Virgin Mary and her qualities. This kind of thing could be used against the background of the theology of the body courses or similar events.

Along the spiritual lines you might also doing something about the life of Maria Goretti. Perhaps you could show a video on her life and have a group discussion afterward. Videos on modesty (check out YouTube) might do the trick, too.

It might help, too, to invite a guest speaker to address your group — for instance, a college coed who is involved with campus ministry or pro-life work. Such a student could touch on the value of modesty and connect with her listeners in a convincing way.

You might find ideas on the FOCUS website and the Life Teen site.

In short, you want to look for ways to promote a culture of modesty. Help the young women to understand that by their modesty they can also help the young men around them be better persons.

You might also look at some of the books out there on modesty (an Internet search helps) and share them with the young women.

If you can raise awareness and present modesty as a positive thing, the young women might embrace it quickly. The virtue of purity can still resonate deeply in young hearts.

None of the above is intended to be the last word in this area. But maybe some of these points will help. The battle for modesty is worth the effort.

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“Ask a Priest: Should We Not Judge at All?”

December 17, 2019 / Ask a Priest

Q: It says, “Judge not, so that you may not be judged.” Does that mean we are not to judge at all? Or does that mean that we can judge when we are perfect and without sin, and that way we can judge our neighbor so that it’s sound judgment? Is there a negative connotation to judging here, and is discernment the more positive way? – L.J.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Jesus in that passage (see Matthew 7:1) means that we shouldn’t try to judge the state of other people’s souls or intentions. God alone knows the heart and mind of each person.

We can, of course, speak up when we see an injustice being done. We can protest abortion or the neglect of the poor, for instance. This is something of a duty for us.

We can even exercise fraternal charity by pointing out another person’s faults to him. But this needs to be done in a spirit of charity and humility. And we shouldn’t feel as though we have to do it in every case.

If our brother seems to be drinking too much, we should say something. The same obligation, however, doesn’t apply if we find out that the neighbor down the street seems to be drinking excessively (unless he is endangering the neighborhood, but that’s another case).

Here, we have to use prudence. We aren’t called to police the world.

A good principle to remember is “Hate sin, love the sinner.”

We also need to be careful if we find that our attention is focused on the faults of others — this might indicate that we aren’t attentive enough to our own faults.

Few of us will ever arrive to the point in this world where we are perfect and without sin. Most of us would do well to heed the words of Jesus in Matthew 7:3 — “Why do you notice the splinter in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?”

However, if you feel as though you do need to point out someone’s fault, it might be good to pray about it first. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you and to open the heart of the other person. For any lasting improvement in someone’s behavior requires the working of the Holy Spirit.

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“Ask a Priest: Should I Speak Up About a Friend’s Immodest Posts on Facebook?”

January 11, 2019 / Ask a Priest

Q: I had a question regarding fraternal correction and how it should be done. A friend of mine has immodest pictures on her Facebook. It is not somewhere where most people would see them, but I am wondering if I am obliged to do anything about it and if so, what? Any advice you can give is welcome. I am a guy, by the way. – L.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good that you have concern about your friend, especially in an area where people might have blind spots in their discretion.

The short suggestion is that you could bring this to her attention, but to do it with great charity and prudence.

For starters, it is good to assume that she has a lot of good will. The young woman simply might not understand how the photos could be perceived.

It is understandable that she might be influenced by the images she sees in ads and TV and movies, etc. She might think this is how to look “terrific,” though she might not understand the impression she is making on others, especially men.

Then again, you might ask whether these photos were meant for a very private audience – such as for a few of her women friends who might be less offended by the pictures.

Perhaps you might consider a few steps.

First, take this to prayer. Ask the Holy Spirit for the guidance to say the right thing at the right moment. Ask the Spirit to enlighten your friend, too. You might offer up a Mass or a rosary for this intention.

Second, if and when you decide to say something, mention to her first the things you admire about her: her charity, her joy, her loyalty, etc. If she senses your brotherly love for her, it might make for an ambience in which it is it easier to raise the issue of the photos.

Whatever you do, do it from the perspective of charity. You want to help your friend. And sometimes loves means we are willing to risk saying things that might be hard to hear.

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“Ask a Priest: Should We Speak Up When We See Things Amiss?”

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“Ask a Priest: How Do I Tell Someone That She Isn’t Fair?”

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“Ask a Priest: Should I Speak Up If a Boss Talks About Pursuing IVF?”

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“Ask a Priest: What If Members of My Church Group Don’t Dress Modestly?”

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“Ask a Priest: Should We Not Judge at All?”

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“Ask a Priest: Should We Speak Up When We See Things Amiss?”

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“Ask a Priest: How Do I Tell Someone That She Isn’t Fair?”

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“Ask a Priest: Should I Speak Up If a Boss Talks About Pursuing IVF?”

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“Ask a Priest: What If Members of My Church Group Don’t Dress Modestly?”

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“Ask a Priest: Should We Not Judge at All?”

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