Edward McIlmail archivos

“Ask a Priest: How Can I Avoid Being a Lukewarm Soul?”

February 24, 2023 / Ask a Priest, Prayer and Spiritual Growth

Q: After reading what Jesus said about the lukewarm, I certainly want to avoid this. I read that even if you go to Mass each week and pray often, you can still be a lukewarm soul. As a young kid in today’s world, what can I do to avoid becoming lukewarm (or cold for that matter)? Thanks. – M.J.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It’s great that you are already perceiving the risk of being lukewarm and having a desire to avoid it.

One answer is to have high goals. Jesus calls you to be a saint, nothing less.

That means we aren’t satisfied with just attending Mass on Sundays. We want to grow in virtue and we want to try to evangelize the culture around us. These go hand in hand. The more we share the faith, the stronger we become in it. And the first people we need to evangelize is ourselves.

A few practical steps might help for growth in holiness.

First, make time for prayer every day. Ideally we should pray in the morning, around midday and at night, at least. It helps to read a bit of the Gospels each day. Get to know the person of Jesus. He is your best friend. It would be good to pray the rosary daily, too.

Second, frequent reception of the sacraments is crucial. It helps to find a solid, regular confessor who can guide you. Aim for at least monthly confession if you can.

Third, it would be good to get involved in some kind of Church-related work, such as working in soup kitchens or visiting shut-ins. This helps us see where other people are and how much they suffer.

Fourth, try to read books that inspire you. Lives of the saints can give us great examples.

Fifth, think about doing a retreat sometime. That can be a great opportunity to go deep in our spiritual life and see where God is leading us.

Sixth – and this is crucial in today’s culture – program your time well. You want to avoid of trap of so many people who build their lives around TV, movies and web browsing.

Also helpful would be to connect with groups either in person or online that could support you in the faith. Groups such as Life Teen and, later in college, FOCUS could help.

Try to get to Eucharistic adoration, too. Time spent with Our Lord in the chapel is some of the most valuable time we’ll have in this world.

Maybe this prayer from St. Richard of Chichester is worth keeping in mind: “Day by day, dear Lord, of you three things I pray: to see you more clearly, love you more dearly, follow you more nearly, day by day.”

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“Ask a Priest: What If I Don’t Feel Up to My Boyfriend’s Level of Faith?”

April 5, 2022 / Ask a Priest, Dating and Marriage

Q: My boyfriend of almost four years is Catholic and is interested in the continual development of his faith. His ideals are that we work on our faith together by going to Mass, confession and praying together, etc. I consider my Catholic faith to be a part of my life but not something that defines me, whereas faith is very much his whole life. When he discussed more about the idea of our getting married, I decided to put the relationship on hold. I did this because I felt that I needed to engage in more introspection on my own faith and consider what our lives would be like, together forever, with such varying levels of spiritual understanding and commitment. I am interested in discovering more about myself and how I identify with the Catholic faith. Is there anything you could suggest I do to further my understanding and discover if this is something meant for me? And, is it selfish to continue in this relationship if I know I won’t be someone who helps him develop his faith and spirituality? — A.M.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: You mention, “If this is something meant for me.”

If you mean the Catholic faith, I would say yes, definitely. Jesus wants everyone to embrace the fullness of what he revealed and passes down through the Church.

To learn more about the faith it would help to read the Youth Catechism (YouCat) or the heavier Catechism of the Catholic Church. You might also find useful some of the resources at Catholics Come Home.

You might want to consider doing a retreat at a solid Catholic retreat center. If you later get engaged, think of doing a “Three to Get Married” retreat.

As for continuing the relationship even if you don’t think you can help your friend develop in this faith: Relationships aren’t static. They grow, they mature.

Your friend is probably influencing you for the better, and you might be doing the same, though in a different way. In other words, your friend’s presence in your life could be God’s particular blessing with you.

That your faith might not be as strong as his could be an incentive for your friend to intensify his prayers and sacrifices for you, which in turn could help his faith grow. Your willingness to examine your own life more can be an exercise in humility, which could help you grow in your faith.

The upshot is: Don’t be too quick to give up on the relationship.

It sounds as though there is a lot of good will here, on your part and your boyfriend’s.

Remember, too, that marriage is a sacrament which brings its own graces for spouses.

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“Ask a Priest: What If My Conscience Tells Me I’m Not Sinning?”

March 18, 2022 / Ask a Priest, Moral and Social Issues

Q: I’m not perfect, but overall I think I’m not a bad person. Usually I do my best to be nice to others. I pray every night but rarely go to Mass. But according to the Catholic Church my soul is in state of mortal sin. Yet when I have a sexual relationship I don’t feel that I’m hurting God at all. How could I go to hell if my conscience tells me the action is not sinful. Thank you so much. – J.D.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: While our conscience is important, it isn’t the highest authority. If we want to know what God really wants from us, we also need to see what the Church teaches.

Our conscience doesn’t invent right and wrong. Rather, it reads the right and wrong inherent in our choices. And in order to be able to read well, our conscience needs to be formed.

Cardinal John Henry Newman famously wrote, “Conscience has rights because it has duties.”

So how can we form our conscience?

In a nutshell: Begin by being open to the truth, and be willing to leave aside preconceived notions. Study Scripture and the teaching of the Church (especially the Catechism). Examine the facts and background information about choices and be careful about the sources you use. And ask the Holy Spirit for guidance in prayer.

It would help to seek advice from trusted people, such as a good confessor. And look over reputable guides as you prepare for confession. Guides are available from the U.S. bishops’ conference, the Knights of Columbus and Opus Dei, among other groups.

You mention that you rarely go to Mass. This is not good. Catholics have a serious obligation to attend Mass. This is a big part of how we give due worship to God.

The Catechism in No. 2181 says: “The Sunday Eucharist is the foundation and confirmation of all Christian practice. For this reason the faithful are obliged to participate in the Eucharist on days of obligation, unless excused for a serious reason (for example, illness, the care of infants) or dispensed by their own pastor. Those who deliberately fail in this obligation commit a grave sin.” [emphasis mine]

Likewise, having sex outside of marriage is an objectively grave sin. Again, the Catechism:

2353 Fornication is carnal union between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman. It is gravely contrary to the dignity of persons and of human sexuality which is naturally ordered to the good of spouses and the generation and education of children. Moreover, it is a grave scandal when there is corruption of the young.

Or, in the case of sex with someone else’s spouse:

2380 Adultery refers to marital infidelity. When two partners, of whom at least one is married to another party, have sexual relations – even transient ones – they commit adultery. Christ condemns even adultery of mere desire. The sixth commandment and the New Testament forbid adultery absolutely. The prophets denounce the gravity of adultery; they see it as an image of the sin of idolatry.

2381 Adultery is an injustice. He who commits adultery fails in his commitment. He does injury to the sign of the covenant which the marriage bond is, transgresses the rights of the other spouse, and undermines the institution of marriage by breaking the contract on which it is based. He compromises the good of human generation and the welfare of children who need their parents’ stable union. [end quoted material]

A conscience that is not in line with Church teaching can quickly lead us astray.

Lest we think we can disregard Church teaching, it’s good to recall the words of Jesus to his disciples: “Whoever listens to you listens to me. Whoever rejects you rejects me. And whoever rejects me rejects the one who sent me” (Luke 10:16).

For more reading you might look at the section on conscience in the Catechism. Also helpful could be Edward Sri’s Who Am I to Judge?

People who allow their conscience to be deformed will be held accountable. Perhaps some of this is worth taking to prayer.

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“Ask a Priest: Is It OK to Patronize Gay Hairdressers?”

March 11, 2022 / Ask a Priest, General

Q: The previous, and present, hairdressers I have are both gay men. Both of them have married their partners. My question, is it wrong for me to support their business as a client even though I do not condone their style of living? – A.B.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: This is a prudential decision that you would need to make.

Most of us probably patronize businesses where the owners or employees do something that is objectively morally illicit in their private lives.

So long as we aren’t intending to support their illicit behavior or giving them substantial material support that enables their bad behavior, then we can usually do business with them. In this case we aren’t engaging in formal cooperation in evil.

The fact that your hairdressers seem to be open about their partners would indicate that they deliberately are making their lifestyles known.

Here you would need to decide whether your continued patronage would in some way imply your support for their lifestyle or whether your presence in their shop might scandalize others who assume that you are in favor of illicit behavior.

This could especially be the case if you recommend their business to your friends and family members. And keep in mind the young people in your life who might already be confused about the morality of certain practices.

It helps to think ahead, too. What will you say in the future when the hairdressers proudly show off pictures of their adopted children to you? These might be children produced by in vitro fertilization and delivered by surrogate moms — practices that are grievous offenses against the children themselves, as well as the tiny human beings who might have died during the IVF procedure. Will you congratulate the hairdressers on their children and thus confirm them in their decision?

The fact that you are sending this question might indicate that the Holy Spirit is nudging you to rethink your relationship with the hairdressers.

None of this is meant to preclude your attempts to convert them. But you want to realistic.

This is something you might want to take to prayer and see where the Holy Spirit is leading you. And don’t forget that finding another hairdresser might spare you a lot of problems down the road – someone with whom you can feel more comfortable letting down your hair.

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“Ask a Priest: What If My Sister Says She’s Pro-Choice?”

March 1, 2022 / Ask a Priest, Moral and Social Issues

Q: I am my sister’s confirmation sponsor and she was confirmed last year. She is only 16 and is beginning to have her own thoughts and beliefs on certain things. I just had a conversation with her where she briefly mentioned something about being pro-choice. This was alarming to me, but I did not say anything in fear of offending her or making her upset as she was talking poorly about pro-lifers. As someone who is supposed to be a religious leader in her life, how should I handle this situation? I am very scared to upset her in speaking of the wrongs of supporting abortion or “choice.” I am very scared this could ruin our relationship as she is not only my sister but one of my best friends. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. – K.S.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Loving someone means helping her to grow closer to Jesus. One of the best things you could do now would be to help your sister re-examine her views and to help her understand the value of defending human life.

It might be good to do a bit of research right now, and learn in-depth why defense of human life is so important and how it can be presented to others.

Some resources at Life Teen that might help are “How to Be Pro-life“; pro-life resources; and “Teaching for a Pro-life Generation.”

Also helpful might be the book Unplanned and the movie adaptation. Another helpful book might be Persuasive Pro-Life.

When you have done a bit of research, you might look for an opportunity to sit down with your sister and see why she believes what she believes.

You might look for opportunities to get her involved in pro-life work, such as helping at a pro-life crisis pregnancy center. If she is really “pro-choice,” she might be open to helping women who choose to keep their babies.

Above all, you might want to intensify your prayers and sacrifices for your sister. And don’t worry about ruining your relationship with her. The bigger danger would be to not say anything and watch her harden in her pro-abortion views.

For now, don’t get discouraged if you don’t see immediate results. Just keep trying to be a loving sister to her. That will help open her heart to the beauty of the pro-life message.

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“Ask a Priest: How Can I Know What Love Is?”

January 14, 2022 / Ask a Priest, God

Q: I have trouble understanding heaven. Will we be happy in heaven just because we are in the presence of God? – that is, in the presence of somebody we “love”? If so, then why aren’t we absolutely happy when we are with our family and friends? I’m 24 and single, so this question came to mind. I believed in God but never really followed him until a year ago. Because of the life that I have lived, I have never been able to truly love anything or anyone or have passion. I have never felt love as love is supposed to be. I was in a Catholic school as a child, and very early on bullying destroyed the kid that I once was. I would say it probably robbed me of my opportunity to seek for God up until this point. How can I love God if I don’t even know what love is? – F.B.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I’m sorry to hear about the bullying you endured as a child. That was not part of God’s plan for you.

The long-term effects of bullying can include having difficulty in establishing trusting, reciprocal relationships. This in turn can make love harder to experience.

Nevertheless, God created you out of love. You are made to be loved and to love.

So, what is love?

Love, or charity, is a theological virtue by which we love God above all things for his own sake, and our neighbor as ourselves for the love of God.

A fuller treatment could be found in Our Sunday Visitor’s Catholic Encyclopedia entry on “Love”:

“[A]ny strong affection, closeness, or devotion to things or persons. The Greeks distinguished four types of love: storge, philia, eros, and agape.

“Storge, familial love, is a word for the bond that exists between one who loves and persons, animals, and the things that surround him. It is compatible with quite a bit of taken-for-grantedness or even of hatred at times.

“Philia pertains to friends, freely chosen because of mutual compatibility and common values.

“Eros is passion, not only of a sexual nature, but also of an aesthetic or spiritual nature, for what is conceived of as supremely beautiful and desirable.

“Agapic love is manifested when one person has much to give to another more needy. It is generous self-donation without concern for reward.

“Such distinctions become especially important in discernments about marriage, because the strength of eros love may blind one to the absence of the types of love needed to experience a good Christian bond that, with God’s grace, can endure ‘till death do us part.’”

God is love (1 John 4:8), and being made in his image (Genesis 1:27), we need, reflect and experience various kinds of love in this world.

None of our earthly loves will ever totally satisfy us – deep down we seek a perfect love, which only God can give. So, it’s no surprise that family and friends come up short. Only the love we experience in heaven will totally fill us.

The key here is not to think that the limited love we experience in this world is what we would have for eternity in heaven. Heaven will be far, far greater.

Now, much of the above might seem too abstract, too theoretical. If you want to experience love, it would be good to start giving love as best you can.

That is, start to reach out to the people around you. Help others where they are. Give an ear to the lonely. Feed the poor. Visit shut-ins. Offer to do volunteer work at your parish.

For we learn to love by loving. As you put others first in your life, you will discover your own capacity for love. Your heart will grow.

You referred in passing to “the life that I have lived.” Perhaps you realize that there are aspects of your life that need changing.

For that, it helps to have a model. The model for perfect love is Jesus. He “went about doing good” (Acts 10:38), and his death on a cross for our redemption speaks volumes about true love, which is self-giving.

To follow him, it helps to have a solid prayer life and sacramental life, and to embrace the opportunities that come along each day to do good for others.

The resources on RC Spirituality might help you in your prayer life. Also helpful might be Father John Bartunek’s book The Better Part.

Solid prayer can transform our hearts, giving God a chance to heal whatever is impeding us from experiencing and accepting his love and in turn surprising us by the amount of love we are capable of.

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“Ask a Priest: Mom Died, Dad Is Failing — Is God Punishing Me?”

January 4, 2022 / Ask a Priest, Suffering

Q: I lost my mother suddenly at the start of the year, and my father, who has terminal lung cancer, barely opens his eyes anymore. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for a miracle for him (and before his health took a turn I included my mother in those prayers as she was still living). I feel like I’m not being heard or that God has more important things to deal with than the likes of me. I am an only child and was born to older parents. For over 10 years I was their caretaker, and now at the age of 29 I feel my life, my purpose, slipping through my hands like sand in an hourglass. Did I do something to enrage God to put such a plight on both of my parents? I do believe, I do pray, but perhaps I am just not worthy. What could I have done to have both of my parents taken from me so soon in my life? My mother was very sudden, but my father … he lingers. I don’t know how much more I can take. – R.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I’m sorry to hear about the passing of your mom and the ill health of your dad.

Your life has certainly not been without purpose. Your prayers and dedication to Mom and Dad are a great sign that God’s grace has been working in you.

The presence of suffering in the world can shake our faith at times. But when we look at the crucifix, we are reminded that suffering can have a redemptive meaning. Suffering is also a sure sign of love – Jesus’ love for us, yours for your parents.

You mustn’t think that God has abandoned you. You are his beloved daughter, and he is as close to you now as ever.

A mystery of our faith is that God has a way of testing those he loves the most. Just think of the Blessed Virgin Mary and the heartache she endured on Calvary.

Your fidelity to your parents in their declining years is a great witness of charity and family solidarity. We need more of that in the world.

Also, the need to help your parents these past years has probably helped you to grow in a lot of ways. I can imagine that you have a big heart and that your values aren’t centered on the frivolous things of this world. Not all of your contemporaries could say the same thing.

This would be a good moment to double-down on your prayer life. Try to see that Jesus is allowing you to share his cross in a profound way.

You do, however, want to try to look after your own psychological well-being. This means trying to network with others, and looking to maintain some semblance of a social life. Your life certainly isn’t over. And it hasn’t been wasted.

You have been loyal to your parents. You have stood by them in their time of difficulty. You have honored the Fourth Commandment. In a word, you have loved in the deepest sense.

My guess is that God is giving you the grace to become a saint. “If you knew the gift of God” (John 4:10).

Again, try to look for chances to network and socialize with others. You need a sense of community outside the home. To this end, “The Complete Christian: A Retreat Guide on the Calling of the Twelve Apostles” might help. Count on my prayers.

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“Ask a Priest: What About Pope Francis and the Traditional Latin Mass?”

July 27, 2021 / Ask a Priest, Mass, the Eucharist and Priests

Q: What do you think about what our beloved Holy Father said about the Latin Mass? I am curious but have never attended one. I personally think it is a good thing. The fruit I have seen from it (folks that attend Latin Mass are such devoted practicing Catholics). It makes total sense to move toward learning Latin so we all can travel and understand the Mass wherever we go. The language does not change or “evolve.” – P.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: You are referring to Pope Francis’ recent apostolic letter Traditionis Custodes, which aims to give bishops more control over the celebration of the extraordinary form of the Roman-rite Mass.

This form is often referred to as the traditional Latin Mass or the Tridentine Mass (named for the Council of Trent, where it was approved).

Francis hasn’t prohibited the celebration of the Mass in Latin. The ordinary form (also known as the Novus Ordo, what is typically celebrated in parishes) could be celebrated in Latin if the pastor has the appropriate liturgical books and chooses to do so.

The Pope’s letter addresses the older form of the Mass which was always done in Latin. His document came in response to concerns from various bishops.

Let’s back up a bit to 2007.

In that year Pope Benedict XVI issued an apostolic letter that gave priests wide leeway to celebrate Mass in the extraordinary form. By making the older style of Mass more readily available to those who desired it, Benedict hoped that the move, among other things, would foster unity within the Church.

Yet, some bishops detected that the opposite has happened: that some people who embraced the traditional Latin Mass have done so in a divisive way.

Some people have used the traditional Latin Mass as a kind of launching pad from which to attack the Novus Ordo Mass and the Second Vatican Council, and to distance themselves from the mainstream of parish life. Francis’ letter aims to rein in that problem by shifting more authority from individual priests to the bishops.

Of course, not everyone who loves the traditional Latin Mass has caused division. Many fine Catholics love the Tridentine Mass for its sense of dignity and mystery, and they derive great benefit from it. Those folks can take comfort that Pope Francis hasn’t banned the Tridentine Mass outright; for it can still be celebrated with a bishop’s permission.

Indeed, in the wake of Francis’ letter, some bishops have stated that the groups in favor of the traditional Latin Mass have been something good for their diocese.

As for the ideal of everyone knowing Latin and being able to understand the Mass everywhere (in Latin): that has been an elusive goal. That is one reason why the Mass is commonly celebrated in the vernacular.

In any case, the bishops’ expanded oversight of the traditional Latin Mass could help ensure that it feeds the faithful in such a way to foster unity and not division within the Church.

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“Ask a Priest: Should I Have Denied Communion to Someone Chewing Gum?”

July 2, 2021 / Ask a Priest, Mass, the Eucharist and Priests

Q: I am a Eucharistic minister at our church. Last Sunday when I was distributing the Body of Christ, I was startled when a communicant came up to me chewing gum! All that kept running through my mind was what should I do! I did give him the host, but I am not sure I did the right thing. For future reference, how is a situation like this to be handled? I have been a Eucharistic minister for 15 years, and this is the first time something like this has happened to me. – D.F.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: This is unfortunate, though it’s not an unknown kind of event. Some Catholics have had very poor catechesis and simply don’t know what acceptable behavior is when receiving the Eucharist.

The moment of communion, however, isn’t the time to cause a scene. So it was better that you didn’t turn away the person. It could have caused a ruckus in Mass, including unnecessary scandal to other people who were prayerfully living the Eucharistic celebration.

It would be good to mention the incident to the pastor and let him decide how to proceed. He might decide to mention something in the bulletin or even in a homily.

Evangelization is often an ongoing task of educating Catholics in the most basic points of the faith, including how to prepare for communion.

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Alex Kucera

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