death

Value of our Birth and Death

Dear Friends in Christ,

This Lent and Easter I had the opportunity to reflect at length on life and death. A friend from where I regularly receive an IV treatment asked for the Anointing of the Sick, Confession, and Communion, and I was able to connect him with a priest for these sacraments.  In the process, we conversed about suffering, death, life and heaven, which have since been a source of prayer for me. I hope that sharing some of my reflections helps you in your prayer, and I invite you to pray for this friend of mine to find peace in this journey we all must make toward eternity.

There is something inside each of us which pushes us to live. In creating us, God made it worth it to live, and we want to. Yes, life has value. It’s worth it to live: There are so many beautiful things to experience in life. But death also has value: By dying for us, Jesus made it worth it to die. And it’s worth it to die if we hope in heaven. The act of suffering death has value, too, since the Lord suffered death as well.

In the Exultet, the Easter Proclamation sung at the Easter vigil, one line stood out this Holy Saturday: “Our birth would have been no gain, had we not been redeemed” (Exultet of Easter Vigil, long version). These words returned to my thoughts over and over throughout this Easter Season. With all that life has to offer, it gives me nothing if I am not redeemed. If all I have to look forward to in life is death, I’m either going to want to live forever, or, realizing this impossibility, I will want to end it as soon as death’s reality imposes itself. If there is something more, though, then redemption really becomes the beginning and end of it—my motivation for life and for death. If God came to save me, to give me eternal life, I want that—whether it means living or dying, suffering or ease.

Like the parable of the weeds and wheat (Mt. 13:24-43), in life, the pain and the suffering are there along with the beauty, fruitfulness and life. In death it’s the same; the agony and detachment, the pain and suffering are all present, but so are the hope of heaven, joy of going to meet the Lord and unchanging and eternal love of our Savior, who died to get us to heaven with him.

Another Exultet line reads, “Christ broke the prison-bars of death and rose victorious from the underworld” (Exultet of Easter Vigil, long version). Our Redeemer became human: he suffered, bled and died. But it doesn’t end with death for him. He died to conquer death for all of us. He died to rise again and bring us with him to heaven, our true home.

In the end, it boils down to this one question: Do I believe it? No one can believe it for me. No one can hope in heaven for me. It’s a free choice- it’s up to me.

So, consider well: Do I believe in heaven or not? Do I really want to go there? If so, what do I have to do to make sure this is my choice? 

In Christ, 

Nicole Buchholz

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“Ask a Priest: What Can I Say to a Grieving Widow With No Faith?”

Q: When my brother-in-law died, it was sudden but not unexpected as he was in poor health. My sister called me as I’m her closest relative, just a few blocks away. She was and is devastated. She has been agnostic for most of her life. They were married in the Catholic Church, though he wasn’t Catholic. I’m at a loss on how to console her since she has no faith. Of course, I’m praying for them behind the scenes. Anyway, what happens to him? I’ve read somewhere that at moment of death God will give you the opportunity to finally say yes to him. I’m praying that this is true. Any words of wisdom? Thank you. – G.W.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I’m sorry to hear about the death of your brother-in-law.

We can’t really guess the state of someone’s soul, including those who didn’t seem to have faith. God alone knows the heart and mind of each person.

Perhaps your brother-in-law was secretly searching for truth and trying to live the best way he knew how. God takes all of that into account and is as merciful as he can be at the particular judgment.

And at the moment of death the Almighty could give a person a special grace to say yes to him. We can always hope.

In the meantime, it would be good to pray for your sister and brother-in-law, and to let your sister know that you are praying for the both of them.

This sudden death might be an occasion for your sister to reconsider some of her own beliefs, or lack of them. At this moment she might even be more open to hearing about our hope in eternal life.

You might try mentioning to her and that the love she had for her husband is a taste of the love that God has for each of us.

Indeed, the love that couples have for each other can give them a sense of something higher than themselves that unites them. This, too, is a taste of the Almighty, for “God is love” (1 John 4:8).

You might try explaining at an opportune moment why you are praying for her husband. Our prayers for the dead are our sign of faith in a heaven, and they express our hope for the resurrection of all the deceased someday.

Above all, it would be good to just reassure your sister of your love for her. If helpful, you might pass on books that speak about the faith and/or the afterlife. Two suggestions would be Heaven, the Heart’s Deepest Longing and Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Heaven.

I hope some of this helps.

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“Ask a Priest: Why Be Afraid of Death?”

Q: If our goal is heaven, why are we so afraid of death? I was raised in a good Catholic family. My older sister just had her firstborn son last year. It was a premature birth, but my first nephew was really active and healthy. However, God decided to take him back six days later, when my little nephew died from a blood infection. I still remember my sister and parents crying. I have never cried so much in my life. I always think that my nephew is now living a very happy life in heaven, lying close to Jesus. And he probably met my cousin who died a week later due to COVID-19. I do not know what heaven looks like, but that is what I choose to believe. Why are we so afraid of death if we believe there is heaven waiting? Why does God put us in this world and make us experience death in order to enter his everlasting Kingdom? – R.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Please accept my condolences for your family on the death of the baby and the cousin. It must have been especially heartbreaking to lose the little one.

As for your questions, it might be good to unpack them a bit.

First, death is not natural. It wasn’t part of God’s original plan for the world. Death and suffering entered because of the sin of our first parents.

We are body and soul together, and we instinctively chafe at the idea of death. Even Jesus sweated blood in the Gethsemane, thinking of his impending death. So, it’s normal that we should fear death. In and of itself death isn’t appealing. It’s a kind of defeat of our bodily dimension.

Now, it is useful to distinguish between the fear of death and the fear of dying.

In a moment of calm, we can intellectually and morally accept that death is simply a door that can lead to the afterlife. Our faith teaches us as much.

It’s a different case, however, when a loved one actually dies. That can hit us hard, and understandably so. We feel a deep loss. Even Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus (John 11:35). So, it’s not incongruous that your “good Catholic family” would weep at the death of the little one, even as they had the hope he was with Our Lord.

Or take the case of our own declining health, with its struggles and agonies — the process of dying can be frightening.

This is one reason why the sacrament of the anointing of the sick can be so helpful. The Catechism in No. 1520 says, “The first grace of this sacrament is one of strengthening, peace and courage to overcome the difficulties that go with the condition of serious illness or the frailty of old age.”

A separate issue is heaven. As Christians we can have the hope of heaven, and this is why we can still be optimistic even as we fear death itself.

Our hope in heaven, however, should be balanced. We should be careful not to presume that all of us will get to heaven automatically.

We can be sure that a baptized baby is in heaven. But we who reach the age of reason need to cooperate with God’s grace through our prayers and reception of the sacraments and our almsgiving, etc.

If we try to lead a good life and stay humble, we can have a reasonable certainty that we are on the right path. But again, we want to avoid presumption.

On the other hand, someone who isn’t leading a good life might by motivated by the fear of death to repent and make peace with God.

Returning to the first point above, it’s good to remember that death was not part of God’s original plan. Sin mysteriously brought death into the world.

Nevertheless, God allowed this to happen since he is able to bring something good out of it.

What could that “good” be?

Pope Benedict XVI in his encyclical Spe Salvi quoted from Saint Ambrose in the funeral discourse for his deceased brother Satyrus:

“‘Death was not part of nature; it became part of nature. God did not decree death from the beginning; he prescribed it as a remedy. Human life, because of sin … began to experience the burden of wretchedness in unremitting labor and unbearable sorrow. There had to be a limit to its evils; death had to restore what life had forfeited. Without the assistance of grace, immortality is more of a burden than a blessing.’ A little earlier, Ambrose had said: ‘Death is, then, no cause for mourning, for it is the cause of mankind’s salvation’” (No. 10).

Death can also teach us to appreciate the gift of life more, and prompt us to use our time in this world wisely and well.

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“Ask a Priest: Is It OK to Pray for Someone’s Death?”

Q: Is it wrong to pray that someone will die? My elderly grandparents have mistreated me and my family for years. We have prayed for them to receive grace, and at every opportunity they have burned those moments. I prayed for as much mercy as possible for them at the final judgment. I stopped praying for them to receive grace and mercy. It became apparent to me that they were never going to take opportunities but instead destroy them. They’ve left a massive wake of hurt and destruction behind them. What do I do now? – J.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It’s not good to pray for anyone’s death or misfortune. God “wills everyone to be saved and to come to knowledge of the truth” (1 Timothy 2:4).

It is good to remember that Jesus suffered and died on a cross for your grandparents. If he thinks they were worth his blood, that should tell the rest of us something.

I’m sorry to hear about your family situation. Perhaps your grandparents had difficult childhoods and ever since have taken out their frustration on others.

Nonetheless, it would be a great work of mercy to continue to pray for them. God’s grace can work at any moment, even at the point of death.

And if praying for them is hard to do, then at least do it for love of Jesus.

In any case, giving up on your grandparents might cause your own heart to harden. That would only help to keep alive their pain for another generation.

Wisely did St. Paul counsel in Romans 12:21 — “Do not be conquered by evil but conquer evil with good.”

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“Ask a Priest: What If I Didn’t Feel Sorrow at My Dad’s Death?”

Q: I’m a Catholic living in accord with Church teachings. My 92-year-old father died last Christmas. I did not feel the normal sense of sorrow or loss upon hearing of his passing. There are still no tears. Till age 16, I experienced mostly verbal and physical abuse from him. It was around that time I began a program of physical fitness with the goal of joining the Armed Forces. That stopped the physical abuse, mostly because I became too strong for him. Subsequently, I entered the U.S. Army, met my wife while in service, and in my 31 years of service, I had little to no contact with my father. Routinely, I’d speak with him on the phone when I called my mother from various duty stations across the world. These conversations were amicable, centered on the politics of the day, or books. However, this did not bring us closer, and he never asked for my forgiveness. I think he lacked the capacity to seek forgiveness. Neither of my parents are Christian. In my three decades of military service, I saw my parents three or four times. Frankly, I never missed them then, any more than I do now. As a conscious act of volition, I have gone to God in prayer. I asked Jesus to remove the hurt and pain in my life caused by my father. My mother is still alive but feeble. She knows how I feel about my father. She stood by him for all her life, and I see her mostly as an enabler. I guess what I’m asking is, what ought to be my spiritual or emotional response? I have grown sons of my own serving in the military. Neither of them have had any contact with their grandparents. I think I have forgiven both of my parents consciously. Still, there is no emotion about either of them. I don’t want to hate them. I see them as failed products of their culture. Any light you shed on my situation will be helpful. Thank you. – P.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It sounds as though you have already done the right thing by making an act of the will to forgive your dad and mom. That is the key element of forgiveness.

If you didn’t feel sorrowful feelings at his death, then just accept that. We can’t always control our feelings (or lack of them). There is no need to fake feelings that simply aren’t there.

Perhaps what you could do is pray for the soul of your dad, and at least keep in contact with your mom. And pray for her, too.

Your mom might have had her own cross all these years, dealing with your dad. There is something to be said for spouses who stay faithful to each other through many years.

One other thing that might help is to realize that your dad might have wrestled with his own problems. Perhaps he had a tough childhood and an abusive relative in his life. His abuse toward you might have been part of the tragic way he learned to deal with things.

Moreover, he and your mom, not being Christians, never had the grace of baptism or the other sacraments to help them.

At any rate, anything you can do as a sign of respect for your parents will be a good example to your own sons.

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“Ask a Priest: What Can Non-Catholics Expect After Death?”

Q: I’m not Catholic. What happens to non-Catholics after death? – D.D.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: We all face what is known as a particular judgment at the moment of death.

That is when we face God, who is absolute Truth, and we see our lives in the light of that Truth. We face judgment based on how we lived and on what the state of our soul is at death.

Immediately we learn our fate: either heaven right away, purgatory for a while and then heaven, or hell for eternity.

If we die in a state of mortal (serious) sin, we face the prospect of hell. In this case we get what we choose. If we sin seriously and in effect reject God, then we live with the consequence of that decision for all eternity.

Similarly, if we try to follow God’s ways, we can attain heaven with his grace.

Perhaps non-Catholics, not having enjoyed the benefit of the sacraments in their lifetime, will face a less severe judgment than will Catholics.

For a short video, see https://www.catholic.com/video/what-happens-when-we-die.

To help you pray about these truths, you might find it helpful to what our Retreat Guide called Fire of Mercy.

One thing you count on: All of us will be judged.

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“Ask a Priest: How Can I Be Sure There Is a Heaven?”

Q: I am in my 50s. My health has taken quite a beating, and death is always on my mind. Most especially, what will happen to me when I die. I am terrified of it. A lot of scary movies of being lost in the netherworld, hell, or demons come to mind. I fear being condemned or winding up in a worse place than the one I am in now. How do I know that there is a heaven and that I will be going there? I know I will one day die, and I don’t want to be afraid. I want to know and have confidence that I will be going to heaven because there is a heaven and that I am deserving. – N.B.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Even a decline in health can be a great grace of God, since it gives us time to prepare for death.

We can believe in the existence of heaven for many reasons. For openers, Jesus told us as much, in the parable of the sheep and goats (Matthew 25:31-46).

Two other reasons are our deeply rooted desires to live forever and to be perfectly loved.

Experience tells us that desires have a function, a reason, an outlet. For instance, hunger prompts us to eat. Hunger makes sense because there is something to satisfy it: food. Hunger on its own would be absurd if there were nothing to satisfy it.

Similarly, our desire to live forever (joyfully) makes sense because there is something that can satisfy it: heaven.

Or take our desire to be loved. We are made in God’s image. God is a Trinity, a communion of three divine Persons, which explains why we too have a deeply relational dimension in our nature. We are made to be with others. We find our identity through our relationships.

We have hearts made to love and to be loved. And like any desire, we seek a perfect satisfaction of the desire. The only one who can fully satisfy that desire is God. To be with God, to see God, is heaven.

This position might not satisfy someone who is looking for scientific proof about heaven. But it is a position that could resonate with the intuitions we embrace deep in our hearts.

However, we shouldn’t be too quick to presume that we are going to heaven automatically. Yes, we can have hope that we will attain it with the grace of God so long as we try to live an upright life. But we should avoid presumption. We need to do our part.

In your case that would mean maintaining a solid prayer life and frequenting the sacraments.

The best preparation for death is making a good confession, getting the anointing of the sick, and receiving Communion.

In preparation for confession, you want to make a thorough examen of conscience and a good act of contrition (sorrow for sins).

There are plenty of online resources to help you prepare for confession. A few:

http://www.ncregister.com/info/confession_guide_for_adults

http://thelightison.org/guide-to-confession/

http://www.kofc.org/en/resources/cis/devotionals/2075.pdf

For confidence, try to contemplate the crucifix. Realize that Jesus died on a cross precisely to redeem you from your sins and to give you a chance at heaven. His resurrection from the dead is a sign that we, too, can share in that resurrection someday.

With the help of prayer and the sacraments, you will be strengthened for the last leg of your journey on earth.

It would be good to take some time to pray about death, judgment, heaven, and hell. Our Retreat Guide on the Last Things could be helpful for that: Fire of Mercy: A Retreat Guide for All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day.

This world isn’t meant to be our final home. Our real home is meant to be in heaven. The time to prepare for it is now.

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“Ask a Priest: Why Would Saintly People Go to Confession Weekly?”

Q: I have two questions. (1) Why do some people who live saintly lives feel the need to receive the sacrament of reconciliation every week? What on earth would these good people have to say in there? Are they not wasting the priest’s time? (2) I myself don’t receive the sacrament often enough, or as often as I would like to, for the following reason. Isn’t it so that if we are to be forgiven, we must first forgive others? Well, in my case, I have people that I do not, cannot forgive. These people contributed to the death of my only child, a teenager. It’s a long story, but I doubt that I’ll ever forgive them. How can I? It’s not possible for me. I love my Catholic faith, but I stay away from the sacrament. Thank you, Father. – L.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I am sorry to hear about the death of your child. It must be a heartbreaking loss.

This is a moment to recall that our faith teaches that death doesn’t have the final word. Faith teaches us that we can hope to be eternally reunited someday with our loved ones in heaven.

That eye on eternity is one thing that prompts even saintly people to go to confession frequently. They want to be prepared for death at any time.

Also, the sacrament of reconciliation is not only a means of receiving forgiveness and absolution for sins. It is a conveyor of grace that helps us to grow in the spiritual life. For more on this, you can see this post by my friend and colleague, Father John Bartunek.

We should all seek growth in the spiritual life. For we aren’t called to just avoid sin. We are called to be saints. Those saintly people you mention probably arrived at that stage in part because of their frequent use of the sacrament of reconciliation.

As for your personal situation: It’s good to remember that Jesus suffered and died for all of us, even those who contributed to the death of your child. He loves them all, just as he does you and your child.

Jesus wants the best for each of us. He certainly wants us to be at peace. That is one reason he taught us in the Our Father to pray, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Jesus in his wisdom knows that our reluctance to forgive can weigh down our hearts. Ironically, this lack of forgiveness doesn’t affect the culprits as much as it does the person who won’t forgive.

You write that it’s “not possible” for you to forgive. I invite you to reconsider that stance. If Jesus asks us to forgive, it’s because we will have the ability to do it, with his grace.

Moreover, there are risks to not forgiving.

One, it can alienate us from God’s forgiveness of our faults.

Two, it can hurt our spiritual growth. For a person to hold on to anger and deprive herself of the sacrament of reconciliation is not a recipe for happiness or holiness.

Then too there is the physical and psychological fallout from a lack of forgiveness. For it takes more energy to hold on to anger than to let it go.

Behind all this is the devil. He might have incited others to sin and to do things that led to the death of your child. But the devil isn’t satisfied with that. Now he’s after you and wants you to stay away from the sacraments. Is this a victory you want to give the devil?

Perhaps it would help to remember three things.

First, you do have the ability to forgive, since forgiveness is an act of the will. And you have free will.

Second, this act of the will doesn’t necessarily mean that your painful feelings will evaporate. They might remain for a long time. This is understandable; you have the heart of a mom, after all. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you must have warm, fuzzy feelings for those who contributed to the death of your child.

Forgiveness does mean that you can say, “Lord, this loss is painful for me. But I want to forgive those who brought me this pain. I want to forgive them because they are your beloved children, and you want them with you in heaven too. I want to forgive them as an expression of my own appreciation at being forgiven so many times.”

Third, your act of forgiveness and your return to the sacrament of confession and the Eucharist would be important steps toward letting the Gospel shape your life.

This in turn will nourish a sense of hope that you could someday be reunited with your child. In the meantime you can offer up your prayers and your reception of the sacraments for the repose of your child’s soul.

Along the way you might find other missions in life, other ways to help people. You could give the world a powerful witness by your forgiveness and your willingness to move on. Count on my prayers.

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“Ask a Priest: Does the Soul Receive the Divine Essence?”

Q: Does the soul receive the divine essence, and is it present in that soul when the human dies? And is receiving the essence different from what some call “participating” in it? — K.D.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: The divine essence is another way of saying the essence of God — what makes him God. In philosophical terms we could say that God’s essence is his existence. “I am who I am” (Exodus 3:14).

We don’t receive God’s essence – that belongs to him alone – but rather we participate in it. We benefit from it and “share in the divine nature” (2 Peter 1:4). Scripture says that to those who “did accept [Christ] he gave power to become children of God” (John 1:12).

This sharing in the divine nature is a little like a baby who is born to American parents in the U.S. The baby automatically benefits from certain privileges of citizenship that aren’t of the baby’s own doing. The benefits we derive from sharing in the divine nature, of course, are much deeper and greater.

Once created, we depend on God to hold us in existence at every moment. We can’t exist on our own power. God alone exists on his own.

At death, the soul leaves the body and goes to its particular judgment. It remains essentially the same soul as it was before the death of the body. Which means it continues to participate in God’s essence by its (the soul’s) very existence. And this goes on for eternity.

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!