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“Ask a Priest: Unmarried, I Feel Stuck. What Do I Do?”

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Q: I am in my early 30s and unmarried. I have always wanted to have a family, but I keep thinking lately that God wants something else for me, like religious or consecrated life, and that makes me sad, mad, frustrated and bitter. I don’t want to be forced to go to religious life, but I also don’t want to feel guilty my whole life being married if that isn’t what God wanted for me. I feel stuck in life and like I am walking on eggshells, and I cannot make a good decision or meet someone to marry or have peace about any other vocation. It is really taxing. What do I do? I don’t want to live with this constant anxiety or suffering or fear. – O.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It’s understandable that you have a desire for marriage and a family. Those are beautiful parts of God’s creation.

An important clarification is worth making: Religious life isn’t some kind of default vocation for people who haven’t been able to find spouses.

A vocation to religious life is a call from God to follow him in a distinct way. He calls gently, in moments of calm.

If the very idea of a religious vocation makes you sad and mad and bitter, that might be a sign that it isn’t for you.

Without knowing much about your situation, I can only offer general counsel.

First, we all have a need to love and to be loved. This is part of being human.

So, the first piece of advice is to look for ways you can express your love. Get involved in volunteer work. Help at the parish. Assist at a soup kitchen. Visit shut-ins or residents in nursing homes.

The idea here is not to put your life on hold. Put your energies and heart into doing things for others. You will quickly realize how much you can give to people and how much they appreciate you.

Try to cultivate a network of good Catholic friends. Get involved in a Bible study or a Theology of the Body study circle. Attend lectures of solid Catholic speakers when they come to town.

And think of doing a retreat at a good Catholic center. Even a two- or three-day retreat can be of great help and give you time for serious prayer and spiritual direction.

Find a solid, regular confessor to guide you, and receive Communion as often as you can.

All this will help you keep a balance in your life and to dispel some of the loneliness you feel. By getting involved in various activities you might also improve your chance of meeting a nice guy.

If the anxiety and fear and frustration linger, you might consider a bit of counseling with a Catholic therapist.

And remember: You are a beloved daughter of God. He wants you to be joyful. He doesn’t want you walking on eggshells.

Count on my prayers.

 

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“Ask a Priest: Should I Date Someone Who Isn’t a Virgin?”

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Q: I recently asked a young woman to be my girlfriend and she said yes, but soon after that she told me that she isn’t a virgin. I told her that it doesn’t matter, but on the inside, I feel very sad and anguished. I don’t know if I should keep dating her now. I don’t know what to do. – J.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It’s understandable that you would be looking for an ideal girlfriend. That is your choice.

If the young woman has confessed her past sins, then God has forgiven her.

People make mistakes. If she seems contrite and is committed to having a chaste relationship, you might consider giving her a chance.

It’s one thing for a person to have had a one-time fall that she regrets. It’s a different case if someone had been cohabitating or behaving promiscuously for years and shrugged it off.

If you don’t feel comfortable giving her a chance, you might ask yourself how you will deal with any woman who either has made mistakes in the past or who will make mistakes in the future.

A big part of marriage is the ability of spouses to forgive each other for all kinds of failings.

Sometimes, people who have made mistakes and who then find someone who accepts them despite the mistakes, can turn out to be extremely loyal and loving.

In any case, if you find it emotionally hard to accept this young woman’s mistake, you are not obliged to date her further.

Perhaps this is something to take to prayer. Pray for your friend, too. She, like most people, is a work in progress. And possibly a saint in the making.

 

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“Ask a Priest: What If My Girlfriend Believes in Crystals?”

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Q: My girlfriend got me a supposed crystal to keep me in love with her. She snuck it into a gift basket, and when I asked about it, she told me to keep it with me everywhere I go. I assured her I love her, and no crystals are needed. She does not practice witchcraft, nor does she know this is wrong. I cannot just tell her that it is against my religion and throw it away, since she is the sensitive type and would surely cry if I did just that. So, I was wondering how I should approach this. – D.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Your girlfriend probably has good intentions. Nevertheless, it might be good to have a heart-to-heart talk with her.

The fact that she gave you a New Age item shows how little she understands your religious beliefs — or even the implications of the crystal itself.

While you can be sensitive in the way you raise the topic, you don’t want to sweep this under the rug.

If there is a big gap between your religious beliefs and hers, now is the time to find out.

If you are thinking about marriage someday, you want to look for someone who shares your faith and who will likely help you to pass on it to your children.

In any case, if you can’t speak about your religious beliefs with your girlfriend, with whom could you speak about them?

The best relationships put Jesus at the center. Relationships that sideline religion are on shaky ground.

So, be wary of dodging sensitive issues. They have a way of resurfacing sooner or later. This might be a great opportunity for you to be a spiritual leader in the relationship.

Perhaps some of this is worth taking to prayer.

I hope this helps. Count on my prayers.

 

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“Ask a Priest: Does Adultery Justify Divorce and Remarriage?”

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Q: I am a Catholic and have been chosen to be a bridesmaid in my sister-in-law’s wedding. She is a cradle Protestant who was divorced by her husband and is marrying someone else. She feels that because her ex-husband committed adultery and initiated the divorce, the passages from Matthew 5 (“… everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery …”) and 1 Corinthians 7 (“… if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved …”) show she is not under bondage to her ex-husband. She agrees that divorce and remarriage are wrong for any other reasons. I must say these passages seem to side with her, but I know as a Catholic the Church teaches otherwise. What exactly is the Church’s interpretation of these passages? Am I permitted to be a bridesmaid and attend her bachelorette party? Can I at least attend as a normal guest to avoid breaking our familial relationship? This is my husband’s sister, and I am distressed about this. – A.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: You are facing an all-too-common problem: how to deal with a problematic marital situation among your relatives.

 The passage from Matthew 5 uses the Greek word porneia as an apparent exception to the ban on divorce.

Porneia is sometimes translated as “sexual immorality” or “impurity” or something similar. It does not, however, mean adultery.

If it meant adultery, that would make divorce the easiest thing in the world. A person would only need to cheat on his or her spouse and — presto! — the marriage could be ended.

If that sounds odd, it is. Because it’s not true.

Let’s look at the context of that biblical passage. Only Matthew mentions porneia. If that meant that adultery was grounds for a divorce, then certainly the other Evangelists would have mentioned it.

After all, Mark wrote for an audience in Rome, a city where adultery was rife. If adultery were a legitimate reason for divorce, Mark would have certainly mentioned it in his Gospel account. That would have made Christianity much more palatable to the pagan Romans.

So why did only Matthew mention porneia? Probably because he was writing primarily for a Jewish audience.

Jesus was referring to marriages that were prohibited (unlawful) among the Jews, perhaps because the parties were too closely related. In other words, these are cases where a real marriage hasn’t taken place since the partners were barred from attempting marriage with each other in the first place.

That is why the New American Bible translation is more enlightening: “But I say to you, whoever divorces his wife (unless the marriage is unlawful) causes her to commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (5:32).

Hence, Jesus did not intend for adultery to be a reason to end a marriage.

As for that passage in 1 Corinthians 7 (verse15): This deals with a case where two unbaptized people married, and one of them later converted but the other wouldn’t let the Christian live in peace. The Church can use the so-called Pauline privilege in this case to dissolve the natural bond.

This doesn’t apply in the case you mention, since your sister-in-law was already Christian.

Thus, from a Catholic perspective, your sister-in-law is still considered married to her unfaithful husband.

So, you might want to consider what your presence and participation in the upcoming wedding would imply.

It’s understandable that you want to maintain some kind of familial solidarity. But at what cost?

Signaling support for an invalid marriage could be scandalous to those who perceive you as a practicing Catholic. And would this wedding send the wrong message to children?

Also, would you let your sister-in-law and her new partner spend the night in your spare bedroom? For that could involve material and formal cooperation in evil (that is, adultery).

I realize that this is a difficult situation for you. But Jesus didn’t promise us that following him would be easy.

You might want to discuss this with your husband and possibly your confessor. And pray for your sister-in-law.

For related reading see these Catholic Answers posts for 1997 and 2021.

Count on my prayers.

 

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“Ask a Priest: What If I Don’t Want My Kids Raised as Catholics?”

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Q: I am a Protestant, and my boyfriend is a Catholic. We want to get married. Is such a union possible? Can we be married first by a Protestant minister and then by a Catholic priest in his church? And if I do not give consent to raising children in Catholicism, will we be married? I want children to choose their own path to God. – M.K.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: The Catholic Church does allow Catholics to marry non-Catholics, but it requires the expressed permission of the bishop. A bishop could also give permission for a wedding in a non-Catholic setting, but that would require a serious reason.

One of the requirements for the Catholic partner in this case is to promise to raise the children in the Catholic faith. The non-Catholic must be made aware of the partner’s responsibility.

This is something you might want to talk over with your boyfriend. You and he would also need to be open and honest if you object to the children being raised Catholic.

You mention that you want children “to choose their own path to God.”

It is good to remember that children are like blank slates. They need guidance in religion just as they need guidance in everything else in life, from food to clothing to good manners to education.

If they aren’t raised in any faith, they won’t be well-equipped to make a good decision regarding Our Lord.

Not teaching them about Jesus is like not teaching them to read and write. If you wait for them to decide on their own, it might be too late.

All Christians are called to bring the Gospel message to others, beginning with their children. Indeed, to not teach children about Jesus deprives them of the most important thing in life.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church in No. 2685 states:

“The Christian family is the first place of education in prayer. Based on the sacrament of marriage, the family is the ‘domestic church’ where God’s children learn to pray ‘as the Church’ and to persevere in prayer. For young children in particular, daily family prayer is the first witness of the Church’s living memory as awakened patiently by the Holy Spirit.”

It might be good to speak directly with a Catholic pastor. A dialogue could help dispel some of your concerns.

You might want to take this to prayer. And again, be open with your boyfriend and with anyone who might prepare you for marriage.

 

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“Ask a Priest: What If I Only Have Feelings for a Fictional Character?”

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Q: I’m an average 19-year-old with a good group of friends, a loving family and my hobbies. I go to Mass every Sunday and pray daily. The unique part about me is that I’m probably asexual (sort of). I haven’t really loved anyone romantically. I have had girlfriends, but I feel nothing but friendship from them. The thing is, I have romantic love, but the girl in question is a fictional character. I discovered the source material she is from when I was around 12 years old. Ever since then, I felt something special. I tried everything to discard these feelings (trying to have them for real girls, for instance), but nothing happened. This fictional character has managed to motivate me to be a better person and Christian. Is engaging these feelings for this character sinful? There are no lustful thoughts. Maybe I haven’t yet met the girl that God wants for me. Anyway, I would like to know your opinion. – M.T. 

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It’s good that you are attending Mass on a regular basis and that you are blessed with a loving family and good friends.

That indicates you are basically keeping your feet planted in the real world – which is healthy.

You want to cultivate that habit of staying in touch with reality, especially in relationships with real people.

Now, not all fantasizing is sinful. It can be a relief valve of sorts. It can also be part of a feedback loop that encourages us and lifts our sights to higher goals. Inspiring works of art can function like that.

But a crucial part of the real progress we make in life is linked to how we deal with real humans in face-to-face encounters – not just on Zoom or on social media (or even in art), but in the same physical space. We are relational beings, and we need others to help us to have fully human lives.

To be focused on a fictional character for a long stretch can impact us negatively. It can become an addiction. Our social skills can weaken. The long-term risk is that we can become self-centered and detached from the needs of real people around us.

Even the very notion of “romantic love” can be distorted, such as the case you describe. This kind of “love” doesn’t involve a human person but rather a fictional character that never pushes back, never disagrees with you. That isn’t real love. Real love involves sacrifice.

As for your being “asexual”: For the moment, let’s leave that issue on the side. What would be helpful is to make a concerted effort to have real relationships; that is, to interact with real women face-to-face. You will find them to be much more interesting than fictional characters. (And, of course, real relationships with men are helpful, too.)

In case you feel tempted to stick with your fictional character, you might want to ask yourself a few questions.

How much time are you dedicating to this character? How frequently do you focus on it? (Note: it is an “it,” not a person.)

Do you feel as though you can’t let go of it? If that is the case, you might consider seeking out a bit of counseling.

The important thing is to remember that you have a mission. God has you in this world for a purpose. Part of your mission is to bring the love of Christ to others, and to share the Gospel as best you can.

It might be good to see if you can get involved in some kind of volunteer work. It could also bring you in more contact with real women.

Being involved with people can help you keep your horizons open. And your feet on the ground.

 

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“Ask a Priest: Would Marrying a Muslim Affect My Salvation?”

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Q: I am a Catholic. What would it happen with my salvation if I get married to a Muslim man? We are older and have grown-up children from previous marriages. – A.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: The fact that you are asking whether marriage to a Muslim could put your salvation at risk should make you pause and take this to prayer.

The Holy Spirit might be nudging you to put on the brakes and to think things through a little deeper.

You might ask yourself how well you can live your faith with a non-Christian, and whether and how much he would tolerate your practice of your Catholic faith in the long run. Marriage is difficult enough; being able to share the same faith with a spouse can enhance the chances for a happy union.

There are other factors, too.

For instance, how would it affect the faith of your children and grandchildren to see you married to a non-Christian? Would they think that “all religions are equal”?

You mention previous marriages. Are your ex-spouses still alive? If so, both of you would need to get annulments from the Church.

Also, marriage to a Muslim would require a special dispensation from your bishop. These dispensations aren’t automatic, so you might want to speak with your pastor now.

Two numbers from the Catechism are worth quoting here:

Mixed marriages and disparity of cult

1633 In many countries the situation of a mixed marriage (marriage between a Catholic and a baptized non-Catholic) often arises. It requires particular attention on the part of couples and their pastors. A case of marriage with disparity of cult (between a Catholic and a nonbaptized person) requires even greater circumspection.

1634 Difference of confession between the spouses does not constitute an insurmountable obstacle for marriage, when they succeed in placing in common what they have received from their respective communities, and learn from each other the way in which each lives in fidelity to Christ. But the difficulties of mixed marriages must not be underestimated. They arise from the fact that the separation of Christians has not yet been overcome. The spouses risk experiencing the tragedy of Christian disunity even in the heart of their own home. Disparity of cult can further aggravate these difficulties. Differences about faith and the very notion of marriage, but also different religious mentalities, can become sources of tension in marriage, especially as regards the education of children. The temptation to religious indifference can then arise. [end quoted material]

That mention of religious indifference is something to consider seriously. It can affect a person’s salvation.

 

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“Ask a Priest: What If We Feel Pressured to Attend an Invalid Wedding?”

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Q: Our divorced daughter and her boyfriend, both atheists, live together a few states away. We maintain a good relationship with them, hoping and praying daily that they will find God. She recently let me know that they have been thinking about getting married. She said she understood that we wouldn’t attend the ceremony (since it’s not approved by the Church), but would we consider attending a reception? I responded no. But then she asked if she were to get an annulment would we attend a reception? I said I felt that her desire to be married is a good thing, but that we’d have to talk about it. She then said, “Are you going to make us sleep separately at your house for the rest of our lives if I don’t get an annulment?” I wrote “yes.” She responded, “I’m only going to put myself through that very painful process, which I don’t personally believe in, if you decide you will attend a reception.” She then followed with “If I’m going to go through with an annulment, we have to be able to sleep together once we are married and the annulment is done.” This feels like “arm-twisting” to me. How would you advise us regarding attending a reception and sleeping arrangements? Would an annulment and non-Catholic ceremony be enough to allow them to sleep together here? It would obviously be an invalid marriage, but is it a concession we could make with the hope of a return to faith? – M.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I’m sorry to hear about the situation with your daughter.

As you mention, your daughter’s desire to get married might be a sign that she is edging in the right direction.

But … her willingness to seek an annulment despite her lack of belief in it indicates a lack of honesty and integrity. Along with the “arm-twisting,” her style seems, well, manipulative.

For the sake of argument, let’s say she were to get an annulment. How should you proceed?

In this case the Church doesn’t issue a lot of fixed rules. The decision to attend these kinds of weddings usually involves considerations about family solidarity and scandal.

Some people might attend a wedding with the hope of bringing a person back to the practice of the faith.

While this is a possibility, there is also the risk of scandal and being pulled into compromising positions later.

Would your presence at the wedding send the wrong signal to those who know you to be a good Catholic? What kind of signal would it send to children and other young people in your family? That cohabitation is OK?

An aside: The distinction between attending an invalid wedding and attending the reception seems minor. Receptions are for celebrating. What would you be celebrating?

Another consideration – and your daughter has mentioned it – is the kind of sleeping arrangement you would allow if the couple visited you.

Even with an annulment, her wedding wouldn’t be recognized by the Church. Thus, to allow them to share the same sleeping quarters in your home would amount to close material cooperation in evil. It could also be considered formal cooperation.

It seems unsavory that someone who knows your views on marriage would pressure you to compromise your views even within the confines of your home. The gracious thing might be your daughter to find other accommodations and to avoid putting Mom and Dad in an awkward position.

In short, you might want to think long and hard before getting drawn too deeply into the vortex of your daughter’s moral choices. It’s one thing to try to navigate on her terms. But don’t neglect God’s. Count on my prayers.

 

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“Ask a Priest: What If My Love Interest Expects to Sleep With Me?”

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Q: I recently met a man on online after being single and celibate for seven years. I have a list in my heart of what I am seeking in a spouse, and he checks every box, and I am pretty lovestruck. I am a cradle Catholic, and he is a fallen away Lutheran. He has secular views on sex before marriage. Even though he would consider marriage he expects sex during dating. I told him I can’t do that, and he said he respects my decision but that he isn’t going to change his mind. The problem is I like him so much I am worried that I won’t stand firm around him. I have wounds from my upbringing that drive me to be a people pleaser. If we are committed to each other, will it be sinful to sleep together? We live across state lines, so seeing each other involves staying the night. I want to do what’s right. I don’t want to live in sin. I love him and don’t want to lose him over this. Any advice on how to help him understand why it’s important to wait until marriage too? – E.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: More importantly than being a people pleaser, your first concern should be pleasing Our Lord.

God has a plan for sex, and it’s meant for unitive and procreative reasons within a marriage.

What you describe triggers all kinds of danger signals. Your friend is secular and expects sex while dating “even though he would consider marriage.”

He says he respects your decision about opposing sex outside marriage – but won’t “change his mind.” So, which is it? Is he willing to live chastely or not?

Moreover, you are already thinking of spending the night at each other’s residence. Do you really think you could keep this man at a chaste distance if you are spending the night under the same roof? You already acknowledge that you will have a tough time standing up to him. Listen to yourself.

You say that you are lovestruck. Given that the relationship seems mostly online at this point, the better word to describe your feelings might be infatuation.

Real love takes time. Real love means wanting the best for someone. A man who genuinely loves you will want to help you grow in holiness and reach heaven.

Nothing that you mention indicates that this man is even remotely thinking of your eternal salvation. Rather, he seems fixed on fornicating. Does he really “check every box” for you?

You want to tread carefully. It is not uncommon for men to feign love in order to get sex from a woman. You don’t want to fall for that ploy. The happiest courtships and marriages have God at the center.

If you want to pursue this relationship, a few suggestions might help.

First, tell your friend that you intend to stay chaste. Tell him it’s a gift you can give each other. It will also give you time to get to know each other as friends.

Let him know that you don’t want the both of you leading each other into  grave sin, which is offensive to God and puts your souls at risk.

Tell him that you will perceive his respect if he stays in a hotel when visiting. If you live alone, you might insist on restricting your dates to public places.

If he agrees, fine. But stay vigilant. If he balks at your conditions, that might be a sign he doesn’t really care about you. Men will make sacrifices for the women they love.

In any case, it might be better to start cultivating a network of serious Catholic friends in your own area. Start attending Catholic events — talks, pro-life events, Theology of the Body classes, Bible studies, door-to-door missions, etc.

Being around other Catholics could help you maintain balance with this online relationship. You would also improve your chance of finding someone who will respect you and your religious views.

In the meantime, try to find a solid, regular confessor and/or spiritual director to guide you. You need an objective third party to help you. Isolation can make you vulnerable to opportunists.

I hope some of this helps. Count on my prayers.

 

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!