Dating & Marriage

Q: My boyfriend was baptized in the Church but only started practicing the faith in the last three years. He has a pretty extensive knowledge of Church doctrine and loves the faith, but he’s often ignorant of the more practical things. Because he leans so much toward tradition (such as going to the traditional Latin Mass), it often shocks me what sorts of things he thinks are OK or even disregards as “too strict.” When we were watching a movie together and his parents left the room for a few minutes, he inappropriately touched me a few times. I was so shocked and hurt I could barely respond. He briefly apologized before his parents returned. Later, when I brought it up, it seemed like he’d almost forgotten about it, saying he didn’t realize it bothered me that much. I told him it was wrong, so wrong that I’d normally break up with someone over it, that it made me feel exploited. He apologized and said he’d never do it again, but still didn’t seem to realize how much it hurt me. How can I explain to him why that was wrong and help him understand boundaries? It seems like half the problem is him seeing things as off limits (a kind of negative rule) as opposed to always approaching me with respect for my dignity and the mystery of my body (the spirit of the rule). – A.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is admirable that you called out your boyfriend for his inappropriate behavior. You have every right to demand his respect — you are a daughter of God, after all.

Your friend is a work in progress. He seems to show a disconnect, having extensive knowledge of Catholic doctrine and a penchant for the traditional Latin Mass, yet being blasé about chaste behavior.

It might help you and your friend to read or watch some pro-chastity materials together and then have a heart-to-heart talk.

A few resources worth considering would be booklets by Jason and Crystalina Everts; videos by the Chastity Project; and the Theology of the Body for Teens.

In the meantime, it would be good to intensify your prayers for your boyfriend.

Be sure to set up strong parameters with him. If he tried to do something inappropriate with you seconds after his parents left the room, that is a red flag. So, try to stay in semi-public venues when you are together.

If you don’t see progress in him, you might want to rethink the relationship. A young man who genuinely loves you will do anything to help you grow in holiness. Count on my prayers.

Q: I am a college co-ed. There is a guy that I like from church. He is an altar server, and I am a lector. He is very respectful to elders, considerate, kind and soft-spoken. He also comes from a very pious family. We talk a lot these days. We don’t flirt, and I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship until I finish college. I am taking my time in getting to know him. But here is the problem. On rare instances, he would mention dirty jokes. I told him that I am uncomfortable with those kinds of jokes, and he never mentioned them to me again. But I found him telling a light dirty joke to someone else. Maybe he’s not as serious about chastity as I am (or maybe I judge too quickly). What do I do? Should I start distancing myself from this person? – A.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Dealing with a current or potential boyfriend requires that you use your wits. Every relationship is unique and mysterious.

From what you say, this young man has his flaws — we all do.

But he seems to have good traits, too.

His serving at the altar, his respect for elders, his kindness, his family background — all these are positive signs. Especially in an age of rickety morality.

My short advice is to look for signs of progress in him.

The fact that he no longer tells these jokes in your presence suggests that you are having some kind of positive effect on him.

And since you aren’t looking to start a romance right now, use this time to cultivate other friendships. That will give you more perspective about human nature.

In any case, don’t be too quick to write off everyone who falls short of your standards. People can mature and change.

Moreover, your patience and encouragement can bring out the best in others (including this young man). These qualities can help you in any walk of life.

In the meantime, keep up your own prayer life and sacramental life. And say a prayer for your altar server.

And remember: The only perfect man you will ever find is Jesus.

Q: Currently I don’t have a boyfriend or fiancé, but I once dated a Muslim and had sex with him quite a few times. I went to confession and regretted doing that thing before marriage. So, I stopped it and broke up with him. But I’m worried about my future. What if my partner wants to have a grand and pure wedding — how can I tell him that I’m not a virgin? Is it OK if I won’t tell him? Will it be OK to have a grand, white wedding since I already confessed? – T.K.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good that you went to confession and quit that relationship.

Technically, you don’t have to tell all your past sins to a future husband.

But many people feel the need to let a future spouse know about their past sexual relations, in part because they don’t want to present a false image.

Deep down they want to know that they are accepted for who they are, warts and all. They don’t want to be haunted by that fear, “What if he (or she) ever finds out?”

Sure, past sexual sins can negatively impact a marriage. They can leave psychological wounds and bad memories.

But you don’t have to be defined by your past sins. Our Lord has forgiven you. His mercy should bring you great peace.

You can feel confidence in that mercy – and so not be afraid to share your story with a future husband.

Your confession and the ending of that past relationship indicates that you want God in your life. That indicates your good will, a trait that noble men would find appealing.

Remember, too, that virginity is one thing. Chastity is another. It is an ongoing practice that can help you and a spouse become saints.

A short video with Jason Everts might be worth a look, as well as this Reddit post.

As for a white wedding: You don’t have to signal your past sins to the world.

In any case, maintain a strong prayer life and sacramental life. And cultivate a devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary. She will help you to live a life pleasing to her Son.

Q: I’m a 74-year-old married man, who has been texting with a woman who is much younger and lives on another continent. I plan to honor my obligation to my wife, but the marriage is loveless. After many long and deep conversations with this younger woman, there have been messages of love between us. As long as the communication is chaste, is it OK to continue? – J.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Honoring your obligation to your wife includes avoiding any inappropriate interaction with other women – texting included.

It’s a form of flirting, and it isn’t a way to show fidelity to your wife.

You mention that your marriage is loveless. Love is an act of the will, not the emotions. In that sense, a loveless marriage is chosen. It doesn’t just happen.

You committed to your wife freely. This is a moment when the demands of marriage might be costlier.

Perhaps you might not feel the same “rewards” from marriage as before. That is OK. That means this is an opportunity to purify your love, to stay dedicated to your spouse for her sake and for God’s glory.

It would be good to stop the texting immediately and to focus on loving your wife.

Try praying with her and perhaps getting to daily Mass together. You might want to get to confession, too.

Your mission is to help your wife get to heaven. Presumably, you want to get there, too. But you haven’t crossed the finish line yet.