brother-in-law

Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What Can I Say to a Grieving Widow With No Faith?”

Q: When my brother-in-law died, it was sudden but not unexpected as he was in poor health. My sister called me as I’m her closest relative, just a few blocks away. She was and is devastated. She has been agnostic for most of her life. They were married in the Catholic Church, though he wasn’t Catholic. I’m at a loss on how to console her since she has no faith. Of course, I’m praying for them behind the scenes. Anyway, what happens to him? I’ve read somewhere that at moment of death God will give you the opportunity to finally say yes to him. I’m praying that this is true. Any words of wisdom? Thank you. – G.W.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I’m sorry to hear about the death of your brother-in-law.

We can’t really guess the state of someone’s soul, including those who didn’t seem to have faith. God alone knows the heart and mind of each person.

Perhaps your brother-in-law was secretly searching for truth and trying to live the best way he knew how. God takes all of that into account and is as merciful as he can be at the particular judgment.

And at the moment of death the Almighty could give a person a special grace to say yes to him. We can always hope.

In the meantime, it would be good to pray for your sister and brother-in-law, and to let your sister know that you are praying for the both of them.

This sudden death might be an occasion for your sister to reconsider some of her own beliefs, or lack of them. At this moment she might even be more open to hearing about our hope in eternal life.

You might try mentioning to her and that the love she had for her husband is a taste of the love that God has for each of us.

Indeed, the love that couples have for each other can give them a sense of something higher than themselves that unites them. This, too, is a taste of the Almighty, for “God is love” (1 John 4:8).

You might try explaining at an opportune moment why you are praying for her husband. Our prayers for the dead are our sign of faith in a heaven, and they express our hope for the resurrection of all the deceased someday.

Above all, it would be good to just reassure your sister of your love for her. If helpful, you might pass on books that speak about the faith and/or the afterlife. Two suggestions would be Heaven, the Heart’s Deepest Longing and Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Heaven.

I hope some of this helps.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: What If I Intensely Dislike My Brother-in-Law?”

Q: I have one sister that I am very close with. However, I severely dislike her husband, and I am finding it increasingly difficult to be around him and to have my children around his inappropriate behavior even if only for few hours at family functions. I love my sister very much. She does not seem bothered by her husband’s behavior at all, so talking to her doesn’t help. I know we are called by God to love. My question is, how do I love my brother-in-law while at the same time disliking him so much? What does that look like practically for everyday life? – K.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Your question touches on a key distinction. Jesus commands us to love one another. But he doesn’t command us to like one another.

Love — Christian love — deals with a theological virtue. Love in this sense means wanting the best for the other person and being willing to help and pray for the person.

We do this because the person is made in the image and likeness of God. We do it because the person is someone for whom Jesus died on a cross. Each soul is precious to God. Ideally, we should look at each person through the eyes of Christ.

If you dislike your brother-in-law, then for the moment just accept that. But realize that it need not block you from loving him in the deep sense of the word. That sounds a bit paradoxical, but that’s life.

On the other hand, you mention “inappropriate behavior.” I’m not sure what this behavior is, but as a mom you have a right to shield your children from offensive things under a family roof. And as a Christian you have a general responsibility and right to apply fraternal correction to someone in the family.

“If your brother sins [against you], go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother. If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that ‘every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Matthew 18:15-16).

So how might you apply this in practice?

First, you might try approaching your brother-in-law discreetly. You might start off by pointing something you appreciate in him: his devotion to your sister, his hard work to support his family, etc. Then try to ease into just one issue that you have with him. Be specific and give an example of the behavior you find offensive, without being accusatory.

For instance, instead of saying, “Your language is crude,” try something like, “Joe, you know my kids look up to you and hang on your words. They apparently were scandalized last Sunday when you made that comment about X. They asked me about afterward. It makes an impact on them when they hear something bad like that.”

Or, if you feel wary of bringing up the matter, you might nudge your husband to approach Joe.

If Joe doesn’t get the message, you might approach him a month or so later, this time with another family member (your husband, or you with your husband if he does the talking the first time). If Joe hears the same thing from two people, it might make an impact.

If it doesn’t, then you might do your best to limit the time your kids spend around him. You might want to counter Joe’s behavior as best you can, explaining to your kids the rationale why you favor different behavior.

Before doing any of this, it would help to pray for Joe. Ask the Holy Spirit for help. Ask your guardian angel to communicate with Joe’s guardian angel, so that his heart is open to what you want to say.

And keep the long term in sight. It takes time for people to change. But change they can. Keep being a loving sister and a loving sister-in-law as best you can be. Prayer and charity are the fertile ground for God’s grace to work wonders.

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Got a question? Need an answer?

Today’s secular world throws curve balls at us all the time. AskACatholicPriest is a Q&A feature that anyone can use. Just type in your question or send an email to [email protected] and you will get a personal response back from one of our priests at RCSpirituality. You can ask about anything – liturgy, prayer, moral questions, current events… Our goal is simply to provide a trustworthy forum for dependable Catholic guidance and information. So go ahead and ask your question…

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!